Saturday, June 09, 2018

Doesn't seem to work.

I might not update this blog on a regular basis. Doesn't seem to work like this, I always come not feeling like it or having anything to say, when I plan it. It is working for Computer Hermit since I'd usually post some news from my coding progress. But here? The subjects here need more thought and used to be a thing of the moment, when I suddenly was emotional about some thing in my mind and wanted to write something. I could make a list of some things I want to write about and discuss them whenever I feel like (which means never? :). Not sure, but I might remove the Saturday task from habitica.

It shows again how things change in my life. I don't feel as much the need to write in the way I used to in this blog (although I might want to express my mind about ideas but usually I am not in front of the PC when this happens, and till I go back to write about it, I am occupied by other thoughts). There goes the days where I was expressing myself in such depressive manner.

Then again the reason I never come to write something fully here is that I am occupied by other plans and end up at night, very tired, having to write something, anything. I was completing my second session on coding till I realised it's more late than I thought. It's easier again with Computer Hermit because I allow myself to write my progress instead of discussing anything. But here, what to write? It has to be some expansion on ideas, while my mind is off at that point and only doing it as a habit.

So, you might not see much here, esp not plan Saturdays. I'll either think of another way (maybe make a list of things you'd like to talk about in the future) or update this one less frequently. It will be fine, afterall it has already been dead over the last few years.

p.s. And I wanted to talk about my dislike of identity politics or how some things I see now reflect things of myself or older thoughts I had. I don't feel like and I am not sure I'd always want to get deeper into these issues.
p.p.s. This blog is in limbo.

Saturday, June 02, 2018

Random stuff continues..

I am here, almost an hour before midnight, trying to figure out what to write. It happens because this is in my list of things to do and I leave it for last so far. It's easier with Computer Hermit blog because it can be more casual writing of what creative projects I worked with, in the past week (although I should be writing on specific subjects sometimes). And here, I think like I have to write something more specific. But maybe it's all right that I start with something random and then this forms into something else. One problem of procrastination and motivation is catching up the flow, doing things right at the moment you feel like doing them, although as they say if you wait for feels to act then you will miss a lot of things.

Anyway, I was even stressed today, had my driving test (never before, doing it late at 38) and failed miserably. Then I was trying to code something in DOS and messing up with freezes, spending much more time, but I was also pissed with previous things. So, maybe I was too heavy to write something specific and time is few. I was thinking about getting deeper into some of my thoughts on the cultural wars, or opening a subject called "Identities". Maybe I can write fragments of what I think and how I got here. Maybe not.

It's a good question actually, we rarely are full aware why we do what we do, why we have the beliefs we have, what drove people into being obsessed with specific issues, what triggers us, etc. For example, concerning the whole politics/cultural war, if I examine myself I realise, I was always very apolitical compared to most of my friends. Everyone had a strong opinion, and 99% of the times it was left-leaning, the same narrative (that actually sounded ok and believable to my uninterested mind then) that capitalism is bad and "the rich get richer" etc, etc. And then you add all the "progressive" things about how open we are with everything and so on and so forth. And it sounded nice and I was "ok, that makes sense I guess?". Didn't have anything to counter (not sure if I have or I am ready now or interested). Anyway, your young friends would stereotypically lean to the right because that's the "cool" thing and when you thing conservatives you'd think of old authoritarian people. So, I understand why this was highly popular to every young person out there and why this was the only thing I'd hear from my friends.

And don't get me wrong, I am still left-leaning in a sense (at least in the social domain, as in the economic I don't know what's really going on), but without even identifying as one. It just happens that I am a live and let live person, so I am all open to the whole being tolerant to other sexualities and blah blah for example. But there was this fact, that I was never opinionated, I was never too strong or passionate about it. I wasn't interesting in politics, protests, activism, etc and was rather lost in my own special interests. I'd argue that maybe I had found my own identity in hobbies, nerdiness, computers, programming, demoscene and whatever, and didn't had the need for another identity in the sociopolitical domain.

But then something changed! Since at least two years ago, I started reading too much into what's going on with the cultural wars, identity politics, political correctness and the opposition to it. I have been watching podcasts, can recognise a lot of intellectuals that have something to do with it, the memes around it, etc. I still try to understand what drove me into it. There were some triggers for sure. As a gamer and a nerd, I had stumbled upon the Gamergate controversy as I mentioned previously, leaning more to the side of the nerds rather than the people who liked to shame the nerds.

Still, why would I get involved deeper? (although I am mainly involved by informing myself rather than participating in the madness) Gamergate is a thing that has mostly passed, not many people spend time and energy in a battle that's over. Maybe it's because through the whole thing I learned about a new world, new people, on a bizarre, almost hidden fight, I couldn't believe. Things I would naively believe or not bother so much would fall like a tower of cards. What the hell is going on?

I can't answer this yet (and I'd need to close this post now). There are things that triggers you or highly motivates you to learn more about. The absurdity of things, or how hidden some of them were and nobody talked about, makes it more appealing. Then you find other people who are also onto it, you wonder which of your friends are "red-pilled", but don't dare to ask them. I will also like to add Identity. As SJW are identitarians, the same happens on the other side. But maybe it's a conscious Identity where you think you found your new internet friends. I know, bizarre. Maybe that keeps me, being informed in the unknown truth and finding few fellows who are "woke" and the dopamine of it.

My favorite of the podcasts btw, is Honey Badger Radio. Many late nights, I fire up some of the discussions between these bunch of nerds I imagine being my friends or having something very common together, and enjoy the night. Maybe it's that, you found people with similar beliefs that are a bit further from the mainstream and that makes you feel connected. Maybe some things that you always had in mind suddenly make a new kind of sense and that makes those issues suddenly very very interesting. Maybe you are finding yourself.
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