Sunday, May 27, 2018

Still random things

Habitica has been an interesting experiment so far. It's part of a bigger process trying to put my life in order and improve some things. Well, I had been attempting at numerous times in the past, setting myself in order, usually in a sudden gush just before burn out. It has become a self fulfilling prophecy to expect that it's another temporary false alarm, illusory hope, wishful thinking. Well, I've said that there are some things in my life that are better, so maybe things change in small steps so that you don't realise the differential. But all that remains is the dreadful feeling of how much of everything is a struggle sometimes.

I feel this as I set enough tasks every day to keep me active, fighting against my procrastination or my fight against the temptation to open social media or play video games or any other things that feels better at that particular time than what I am disciplining myself to do. It's kinda interesting with a list of planned things (I usually never like schedules) because at some days I feel like a robot and even forgot some other fun activities (like vidya :) I used to do. It kinda works. It even makes the smaller easier activities more easy to complete as they now seem much easier than coding sessions on my creative projects for example. It's easier to wash the dishes or do basic hygiene (that I neglected) han having to focus on writing/designing/debugging code when your mind isn't there at the particular time.

That's an interesting point too. One I didn't pay much attention before. It really is so variable how much I struggle and how my work productivity flows when I decide that at a particular hour I'll work with a specific coding project. Depending on the goals, how interesting the algorithm is, how trivial or hard it is, if it's debugging, solving problems or just designing classes, every one of these tasks need different mental focus. And usually my mind might be wandering elsewhere, while trying to push myself towards concentrating so that I may write few good lines of code. And I notice that thing too now, my hand on the mouse almost unconsciously goes at twitter or youtube or Steam. I notice the urge more. I am distracted or my brain wants me to be distracted (I currently started reading this book btw from my interest on how dopamine/serotonine and the modern world can explain these effects. From an author I previously knew from his book on sugar and diabetes). I also realize that if your work was automatic (like a factory worker) or if you do everyday chores (house or hygiene) then these should be much easier, because you can wash your teeth or the house while your mind can in parallel wander wherever it feels like. While programming (and other creative endeavours) need focus, something I still have to work with.

So, as I was still working on my 3rd youtube video (goes well, might finish tomorrow) I realized I got very very tired (the more tasks you complete or alternatively the more closer to the night you come) and there were still few things in my schedule, as writing a post in this blog. I was planning in my post to open to the new subject related to the cultural wars and my thoughts about the whole situation and where I am standing on, but as I was very late and tired and this needs a different state of mind to expand (and the right focus, this was not on my mind at the end of the day) I decided to postpone it.

However, I should write very little things about it just to reveal where I am and be done with it. It could make some people like me and other dislike me, I don't care. So,. one of my youtube addictions (after opinion videos about videogames or strange mysteries and other crap) is watching long podcasts, discussions and opinions from our side of the echochamber. I ironically call it "our own side of the echochamber" just to remind me, pay attention that I don't get too serious about it. It was since reading about Gamergate that I started getting into other domains I would never expect to get into (there is your "slippery slope" :), from the whole anti-feminist/anti-SJW craze to finding about Jordan Peterson and the other fellows of the "Intellectual Dark Web" (a term that I feel so so about). At times I'd watch Joe Rogan, Steven Crowder, and at other moments I go to more intellectual types like Gad Saad, and again Jordan Peterson of course. Other times some third party youtubers I really enjoy, and my worst being hooked from clickbaits like "This guy Pwned/Destroyed/Debunked that guy" or "Feminist Fails compilation".

It's been 2 years since I had this ride, and I do question myself how did I got here, because you know something? I was always very apolitical, much more agreeable or ignorant about politics compared to my friends. Also I was hearing always one side of the political spectrum wherever I went and it all sounded nice and correct, however I didn't pay more attention and never understood people who go into protests and their minds being taken by the forces of the group. So, the things I found about picked my interest about some realities I didn't even know exist (and still, in my daily life, I haven't encountered some of the madness of the cultural wars, so all the impressions I have are from the internet). Maybe it's my sense of individuality, or my stubbornness when I found out that there are some people who just don't want you to discuss specific issues. I read about political correctness, the radicals on the campuses, and the chance this creeping or already so in the institutions of society (which one could argue is just conspiracy theories but time will tell). Something seems so bizarre when you discover about it (they call it red-pilling but whatever :P) and see the manifestations from weird news around ("Fake news" from our own side of the echochamber? Or reality?). There are so much things I'd like to write about, some of them even partially related to previous things in my life.

Oh,. there is also another reason that influenced me to which side in the cultural wars I am closer to. During the Gamergate era, it kinda bothered me that there was an attempt to demonize the gamers, and I understand that some people inside the gaming community can act a little defensive or fanatic, but it seemed targeted from the game journalist media, calling people "virgin neckbeard losers" or writing articles like "Gamers are dead" and the whole fuzz started from people I don't think they care much about the community. I have seen it much later manifest in many geek communities, from comics, magic the gathering, e-sports, D&D, metal, etc. Just about everywhere, some feminist or social justice person who doesn't original seem like knowing much about it, tries to invade those communities and blame everything that they deem "problematic". Can't count how many times there was a new kind of #gate. I just don't like those kinds and their identity politics, and whether they wanted it or not, they succeeded in "red-pilling" me. Congratulations!

p.s. I end up a bit angry here. I should spend more time and focus properly expanding in some of the issues. It's a new world for me, and at the same time I realise how it affects me and should take it easy. If you get into, you can't escape. And maybe even if you tried to ignore it, it would still affect your daily life in few years from now. This new reality is here to stay.

Saturday, May 19, 2018

Second era.

It seems, if I don't fall away from it, like this blog will be set to motion again. One reason is that I have hooked Habitica to things I like to do again. Besides daily chores, programming projects and such, I thought why not set a weekly goal to post one post per each blog and see what happens? I have set Saturday for this one. Sometimes the post will be small with some news and smaller thoughts, sometimes bigger with actual issues I want to talk about, but I'll always try to post once per week.

This is gonna be a new era for this blog, not only because it used to be something from the past that I have forgotten or don't have much reason, motivation or time to write, but also as I am gonna move into subjects I haven't talked before. It's interesting to think how different era's of my life totally change the things I like to think and write about, as I am not as interested to add to the confusing discussion of my mental issues that used to be a commonality as my life has changed a bit to the better since years ago that depressive nights in an internet cafe writing about stuff is not my thing anymore. I am currently living in another country (UK) with a more independent life and a job, still having a big road ahead concerning few remaining issues in my life, but generally I am less obsessed with some of the old issues and more looking forward. As the environment has changed, so did my posts and basically it was marked by my absence from regular blog posts.

It's mostly my idea to set up the weekly habit for a post, however there are some new things I will want to discuss in the future. One of these issues doesn't even have to do with myself (yep, this blog was quite "egocentric" to say, but what do you expect from a blog with this title? :) although there are some interesting parallels with my obsessions about normality and different ways to think of one's misery in life. I was a bit reluctant at first to write here about these issues as they can be a thing of divisions (and I am really curious where some of my unknown followers are with this and how they may take it). To cut it short, since the past two years at least, I got pretty hooked with the modern cultural wars and the nasty politics behind it, reading articles about it, watching youtube videos, listening to discussion panels, podcasts, and so on and so forth. And since it's one of the primary things that occupy my mind, and I prefer to write about things that matter to me, I am gonna make the start and discuss it openly in some of the future incoming posts. I will try to approach it in a nuanced way and even connect it with some aspects of my life or personal thoughts about mental and social issues. I hope it goes well as I am not sure if I can articulate properly and succinctly such sensitive or complex issues.

Besides this subject, posts of mine will still touch some other interests of mine, a big one still having to do with procrastination vs productivity. I realise now that I am a person of low conscientiousness, while I always wanted to drive my creative skills into something more fruitful and productive. I accept that it's not my natural and that's ok, but it's always worth to try. Meanwhile, I discover some interesting things in my behaviour as I try to tackle this issue, which I'd like to discuss from time to time. Posts on other third issues will come too, and who knows, sometimes I might have a new idea concerning my older mental issues that I will want to revisit.

That is for now. I am pretty waiting to get into this new subject from next Saturday and see how it goes. Hopefully I will have enough time and peace of mind to articulate the core of these issues, else it could be a more simple post about me procrastinating again :P
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