Friday, September 01, 2017

Energizing

I was kinda manic today and thoughts flew by fast. It's more rare, the state I was, and I always try to remember if it's something I ate, some change of mood or anything that could have affected me in such a way. I tend to talk to myself in a passionate manner. Somehow my thoughts are more consistent (or they feel so, maybe objectively they are not more consistent than when I am not in this state) and I talk fast. I talk to myself. Of course.

Besides many things around my head, this mania got me returning to an older question of mine, what exactly people mean when they say that extroversion/introversion is defined by feeling energized/disenergized while being with other people. I feel like it's never explained, defined or described and it's more like an aura of "hey, I have that too!" by those who identify with introversion.

I won't discuss again whether I am an introvert, extrovert or this new animal, the ambivert. I am interested in this "energizing" and it also relates to what I call motivational fuel. Which relates to another discussion on productivity and procrastination.

I tend to try finding answers in a kinda intuitive way. A hunch whether an answer feels right. And then I'll go on researching and using logic to explain my hunch. I pause and let myself observe how I feel about things. In this case, how I feel about some aspects of myself.

I can say for sure these are some facts about me concerning the energize/denergize state:

- Energized: By my thoughts, special interests, deeper discussions
I am just frantic and I can't stop and it never gets boring and it's so exciting and I am just ranting around.

- Neutral: Actually yes! Why is the question always whether you are energized or de-energized by social activities? Can it not be neutral? This is what I feel when I don't match the description, that in social situations I don't have to be bored, I either energize or de-energize, whatever that means. I can imagine what energize means because I have noticed this strong motivational fuel in my special interest about things and ideas. And then I remembered: Extroverted people somehow can be too many hours with many people doing smalltalk and never seem to get bored. I see that and I cannot understand it. What happens? They are actually energized!

So, imagine what happens with your special interests and examining ideas, how hooked up you are for hours without ever getting bored. Remember how you observe people in social situations being hooked like they are under the influence, for several hours, the same chatter, never seem to get bored. And of course the knowledge now that some people are more interested in other people while others are interested in things.

I think I am closer in the understanding (feeling) what people mean by Energize in introvertion/extroversion. So, how about de-energize?

As I said, I realize I am neutral in social situation. Maybe bored but not de-energized, whatever that means. Now, I just examined myself again and remembered some other cases where you feel heavy, emotional heaviness that might manifest as physical tiredeness.

- De-energized: When I am struggling putting myself to work on things that I have to do. I can feel it when I either want(?) or have to work on something in my computer that is not youtube or videogames, either trying to catch up in some of my creative projects (what are the real motives behind them, if you "want" but you can't? A subject for a future post/investigation, never solved it anyway) or even some other real-life responsibilities.

It's like you are trying your best but yourself is pushing back, is saying "NOPE", "Do not Want!".

Now, that feeling alone is not the one getting me tired. This is solved by procrastinating. This is how you try to force yourself to work on something you should be working but you feel a push back, one that makes you rather check something on youtube or run a videogame and pretend it will only be for five minutes. But when you really have to be better than that, avoid procrastination, and discipline yourself a bit, you are getting that. A dreadful feeling, almost psychosomatic.

I now think, speculate, but might be wrong, that this is the feeling of being de-energized. As I said, I don't feel that in social situation as many introverts claim to do. Now, my second, unchecked theory, based on feels and intuition. I got the de-energized feeling during my work, when I tried to push myself despite my being saying "NOPE", only then. So, my theory is that at social situations, I am mostly "FUCK IT" and never care much about what people think (but I do feel a bit guilty in a sense, like observing that I am in a corner and not talking, so it's a mix of giving a fuck and not).

My current theory is that people who are de-energized by social situations as introverts, might be trying more, might be feeling compelled to not luck like a loner in a social situation and they try more than I usually do, while their inner self says "NOPE" and yet they insist. That might even explain the other saying that many introverts are disguising themselves, so you wouldn't considered them introverts at first. The idea that it's not 5% but 30%. That would make sense.

This is just a theory. Realising that I may finally be grasping what people mean by Energized/De-energized in the whole introvertion/extroversion distinction. I think I am kinda getting it now by remembering at which situations I feel the similar motivational fuel/demotivational repulsion in the above examples and just trying to imagine how it manifest for some people in social situations.

Now, this has a lot to do with recent thoughts I have about procrastination/productivity. I am trying to observe myself more, right at the time where I want to work on creative projects and feel that pushback. Or sometimes where there is less pushback and more positive mood, but varies and changes in the very next moment. I try to grasp those moments and work for few minutes in my projects, observe what happens in the next 10 minutes and see if I can steer that. I am also trying to understand how it applies in many other things in my life that I am attracted or repulsed by.

p.s. Long time to write in this blog. The last few years I am either not into it or not having as depressive mood as I used to (maybe because I have a job and am more independent, who knows). I am still having many personal challenges and don't think am different than in the past emotionally. I am just more preoccupied by other things than making lonely night walks and writing weird texts in some greek net-cafe :)

p.p.s. Not sure what I would write in the future in this blog. I am into some new stuff in my personal interest on ideas, kinda political stuff, that have strange parallels with my old self, thinking that I am fighting for some anti-normality justice. There are things that I might want to write at some point, I just don't know how they will look to some people, not big things, just semi-political, but as the things are today these discussion divide. I might Out some things if so. More like I am more agreeing with one side than the other, so it's good that you know, and now I can write about it a bit and discuss the parallels with some older things and also why somehow I am so hooked into this new strange reality. I will do so, no big deal, is anybody reading anyway?
Locations of visitors to this page