Saturday, July 06, 2013

Convergence

It's more than three months I started with my new job here in Glasgow. I already imagine how my life will be like in the future. For the moment I have all I want, a good job that provides me with what I was missing, financial support and independence. I am at my rented flat, enjoying my time completely alone and free.

Years ago I was desperate for that thing, that for some is a standard. Living no more with my parents, pursuing an independent life in a new place, not just as a foreign student but with a (more or less) stable job. In the past I was also angry because I couldn't pursue my demoscene hobby in a more free state. I think I've lost this energy or I am less young now, I wonder what would it be if I was at more ease when I started. I wondered if I know have the time, whether I could pursue this with the some passion as when I started. I doubt it.

It is a fourth thought that maybe I could get that back. But it would require a strong focus again, which even if I regain I leave other things back in the most crucial moment of my life. In my new environment I could strive for the things that I've left behind. No time for serious democoding anymore or at least till I fix some other stuff. It could feel weird, like going against pursuing my dreams, or not exact to my personality. But this is a big window of opportunity, finally I can have some more relaxed moments to cure myself from my fears and passions, I can slowly slowly build a better psychology, do the things I couldn't believe I would, give me some self-esteem that I can do that too.

Things like changing my food habits, maybe go to the gym, try to truly follow a program and loose some weight, also social things like make some new cycles here, and the all stars challenge, figure out how the thing with a girlfriend works. Yep! I think I'll becoming to refer to this more and more in this blog, not feeling so ashamed, talk about my thoughts, how strange it is seeing everyone with a girl and wondering how it works, how do they do it, why it feels so scary to me and wonder whether I really want it so much.

I don't even know the future. I don't know how things will go with the new job, whether I will be here for years (so this will be my new long life, so I'd need something more than my old habits). Eitherways I'd like to do something soon, so even if things failed, this is my window of opportunity for a change. I mean,. I could be here for at least 8 months, not knowing if my contract will go on, so in any case I want to think I used these freedom months to change something drastically on me. For this period, I think I will focus on the loosing weight, changing food habits thing. Sounds hard but it's the easiest of all and good for a sort 6 month period. The girlfriend issue feels so hard to me, it could even take long with destructive results and I prefer to make a more healthy change to myself and just enjoy my independence at the moment.

This is it and I might even fail. It is a good bet with myself.

Meanwhile, those are the things in some order I am thinking about.

  • Weight/Food/Gym/Health
  • Making new friends/cycles (even through hobbies/clubs in Glasgow?)
  • Gurlll (might never happen)
  • Could I regain my demoscene creativity? Or some new hobby?
  • Could I spend my creative time in something more commercial, like coding Android stuff? As a backup for a second income?

Most importantly I make a lot of thoughts about myself again. I try to focus on the good stuff. Not good as likeable, but important single points I should focus more. Without falling in the trap of self-pity. Things I should remind myself. Things I don't notice and they could help me understand who I am and stop the self-loathing and just accept who I am. Sounds contradictory when I say that I should accept who I am but at the same time I want to make changes, to specific things that also people who made me sad told me. It has to be like this. It has to be a contradiction. All the real life/get a life concept, things that are considered in and things that are a taboo, does it matter? But I need to make some never seen before changes and yet regain the faith on my personality. It's not that by making these changes, I make these people right. I'd say they were not right because they made me despise these things instead of endorsing them, they made me hateful and they don't really give a fuck, they didn't do it nicely. But then I say I should forget about all that and stop giving a fuck and just do what I am supposed to do. Maybe it will help me to regain my self-esteem and there I will feel more strong and infiltrate and influence people with my weirdness.

I resonate with this recently http://inoveryourhead.net/the-complete-guide-to-not-giving-a-fuck/. There are little thoughts that scare me, insignificant really and I decided to start accepting these and accepting the awkward feeling of myself. And then there is more I understand but make me feel the road is long. If I ever want to make every change anyway, I could just accept some things that change and some not. I don't need to be exactly this. I just need some inspiration.

And I am trying to learn the new things about myself. Trying to understand again what are the things I really want, but new stuff that I don't see and could be important. For example, it's a good recent observation that while I am claiming I don't care about what other people say, this is what I find myself worrying about all the time. Or else I wouldn't even mention it.  I could make many conclusions about this, asking what I really want, or whether I could get some of this and still be myself, or whether it's a faulty emotion as my logic tells me it's insignificant to waste tears for this.

And I think that sometimes I am about to converge into something that explains more correctly my problems, my fears and the solutions to make me feel better or make me act or make me accept or help me correct some things. It's still fuzzy as it always was but I feel there could be convergence soon. Or is this the same as doomsday theories that they never come?

What is the future? I don't think my personality will change much. I don't think I'll forget. But maybe I can gain lost ground so that I improve my self-esteem, so that I believe it's possible to change some of my habits and yet remain myself deeply.

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