Monday, February 11, 2013

My worst enemy

More thoughts are formed or re-formed these days, my lifely marathon to make sense out of me and the world. Some snipsets here and there maybe. Easier reading I hope.

The eternal marathon, since my childhood and later on. The obsessions. Trying to escape from negative thoughts. Thoughts that are put into me. But nobod is there to put them. Rarely it happens, once in a while someone comes to me and argues effectively that something is wrong with me, whether he meaned it or not. And then I carry these beliefs too. But I digress, I react to this, emotionally and then I try to explain myself with logic. Logic is good, the fiasco of the social unwritten rules, which are surprisingly the unwritten laws of the 20st century, psychiatry, self help gurus, obsession with happiness, positivity but through an image that is supposed to be the only way to attend this as if anything deviating from this is a very sad existence.

I am going somewhere. Somewhere more focused, more certain about specific things, not as confused as in the past. But at the same time I realize something else. And it's important that I realize it and I am happy about this. It's an important step. I reacted too much, too obsessively about these things all these years that inside me I am my worst enemy. I speak with logic about how absurd normality is, I obsess about it, I manage to differ a bit, without wishing to be this but because it comes naturally, I am sworn to avoid preaching others and just try to understand them or understand that they differ. Sounds like I am an independent person that differs from the norms (and only at specific points) because he does, speaks his own mind, but what really seems to be and sometimes gets out is a horrible lack of self-esteem.

It is like a universal reversed effect, people see it and really believe that there is something wrong with me, because if there wasn't then I wouldn't obsess, I would continue living my life the way I want it instead without crying out loud! This is like disprooving my case, like I am showing weakness, like I am proving them right. And this last one is another trap. Do I need to prove to someone else that my life is fine the way I chose to live it?

I like some xkcd comics. I like those where the protagonist gets really unpredictable and does an epic win that makes sense too. When someone tries to force his opinion on you and he never get backs what expected and now he is the confused one. Normally you could reply like "Ok, you are right, I am wrong, you win!". The most expected one would be trying to defend yourself "No, I wouldn't jump but this is not the same thing man!". It's like a backup, "well yes, but no". It is logical, going to the gig with your friends is not the same as jumping. But it can still be akward. Tell them a Yes but in a clever way! Tell them what they cannot expect. Reverse psychology for you and a win at the same time? (my answer wasn't an acceptence of defeat, neither a defensive stance, it was telling in their face that yes I am an idiot and I would jump but it would make more sense!)

Sometimes I'd wish I was like that xkcd guy. I'd wish I had a perfect, clever and yet confusing answer to all this mostly internal and external nagging, why I am not "normal", why I don't have a girlfriend, why I am so fat, why I am so emotionally weak, why I get anxious, why I react to all these, why I am such a target for their self-fullfilling prophecy that people like me must suck and the only way is to just be like most of the people. I react, I do it with a feeling of what is unfair, because it's extremely unfair that I've suffered and now they blame me about it, when everything I was listening from them is blame and I didn't have the words to answer to this blame (probably something that puts them back in their place with extreme humor and insanity like the xkcd dude). And it feels unfair that my image is of someone who is extremely obsessive, not the layed back guy (and in my opinion, it's not always fair to think that the laid back guy is right and the angry sorrowful person is wrong, but let this aside for now). It's a shame to give such a negative image and prove them right.

But is this my business? Is it right to spend so much time trying to justify myself to others so that I feel more comfortable about my way of life? The more I am doing this the more I've lost..

It's such an irony that the old saying is true, the worst enemy is you. I feel like I've lost so much time ruminating about all these stupid ideas, feeling that it wasn't me who accept them, I am the one who oppose these ideas, I am the good or the wise guy who understands, who wants to fight this for the better, however this thing was eating me inside. It's still true today, and it doesn't need a justification, I wasn't doing something either right or wrong, there is a meditiation philosophy that your thoughts are not you, and so when I try to focus I realize that several contradicting ideas (from both opposing beliefs) are constantly jumping like they have a life of their own. There is a strange balance that I'd like to accept, at the same way that one wants to be an individual one also wants to be accepted (inspiring blog post here too).

Neither of these states are more right or wrong and even balance is subjective. Some people are really attached to the tireful trial of resembling the norm and they do really succeed in this, while others are either happy with their individuality or there are those poor cases where they are stuck between the two ideas. Like as if someone should only stick to a single one or we were not in a need for little from both sides :P. If I was some random weird guy who didn't give a fuck then I would be like the true individual. And it would either make me feel proud or I wouldn't give a fuck once more. But all that seems to be was that I was crushed from both my need to accept the person I am whatever that is and the blame that somehow I felt I was getting from this world (which was mostly residing in my head, acquired from modern society and less oftenly heared and reinforced by random people's sayings).

Blame doesn't work the same way with everyone. Maybe someone who was not very social or having trouble to fit in would be pushed positively into that direction when people are telling him to change even in a harsh way. Maybe this thing works with some of the individual. But it forces others to stay closed to their shells forever. This is something that all those people who are supposed to "help" do not even take in account. They think that everone is the same mind and reacts the same way. And if their way doesn't work on you then you are just lazy or stupid but they don't try to understand why someone could be lazy or stupid. They just stop there. They put the blame without much thought and let you suffer.

You can be easilly lost in Interesting, hilarious or stupid top-n lists. But once in a while I find a really good article that has to do with some of the above. 4 reasons humans will never understand each other. Three is how we think we put ourselves in other people's shoes but we think erroneously about it. The person who was never too fat or too sensitive or too introverted looks at me and wonders why is it so hard for me. He says "If I was you I would do this and that and the other one". But you are not me! Get in my own situation totally, which means take my brain with my psychology, my personality, my past trauma, my WHOLE me. It's absurd that I would look at the blind and claim that if I was he I could see! The rest of the four points are also inspiring. Someone is bad, is lame, is lazy, is stupid but we don't want to know why. One assumes that if the problematic person doesn't think and react like him then he is wrong.

Theory of (different) mind(s) anyone?

An improved perception of how each one is a unique individual that can't be handled the same way as each other of us, that one has to be understood from his own point of view, that we got the so called theory of mind totally wrong, should evolve into a new universal law in the similar way that people say "Carpe Diem" (or the absurd Yolo today :P) or "Pan Metron Ariston" (translated in something like: be balanced). Those last phrases have become cliche and they were actually used against me to imply that I am living my life very wrongly and will be a very sad person after 20 years. And you can imagine the negative effects. Besides the sorrow, I hate them like the plague, while most people feel like they are very wise by reciting them. If they were wise they would understand the obvious, the one of the few things I write above and I'd wish it would be a universal  law that people would learn to understand (more than blindly reciting it). Do we need to evolve telepathic powers to understand each individual uniquely? Or simply understand that they can't be thinking and feeling exactly the same as us and that's not more wrong than our thoughts and feelings, Can't we accept, understand and teach this simple truth even if we can never implant our brains into theirs to really get a grip?

People with similar sorrows, similar thoughts as mine, sensitive persons, open-minded people, with less arrogance and more hurt self-esteem. Look at the world around you, look again and see that you can't just be always wrong and everyone always right about you. Observe how arrogant this world is and what the reality is. Don't you see how self-asserted and without doubt most are? How certain they are that their world is everyone's world? Observe! And feel content with your more thoughtful and understanding personality. I have a hope. We could teach others. The world could learn.

p.s. I was reading one book called the power of negative thinking or something like that (though right now I find more books with similar titles in amazon and I can't find, oh wait.. it's called The Antidote. Happiness for people who can't stand positive thinking. It sounds counter intuitive, but it's not just going out and cry all day. It's more about an emotional stability of being neither sad or extremely happy, a strong arguments towards all the flood of overpositive thinking, self-help gurus and such extremety that based on the law of reversed effect brings the exact opposite results that it claims trying to do. This is very similar to the effect with the excessive idea of "You could be normal, it would be great, you'd be succesful like the rest, why are you so bad at this?" that is supposed to show you the "right" way but all it does is being so intimidating that it fails to motivate you and makes you more frightened instead (at least for some of us, this might work to some but not many others, remember how each one of us differs). The book goes through some interesting history of counter-happiness cultures, like the Stoic philosophers, the classic Budhists (I really learn here, that what has arrived as New Age in the western world is way much different and shallow than the old teachings :P), Memento Mori and more. Most insightful read since a very long time and it doesn't even claim to give you the answer. It's food for thought and some parts of it are coming together with several of my evolved thoughts and I think they could help me to wisely come in terms with myself and several of the things I was arguing about in this blog. Of course, I have more to learn and I won't stop in this one..

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