Tuesday, January 01, 2013

Random resolutions and retrospections

Well, it could be yesterday, 2 days ago or 3 days ahead, we could be all wrong with the keep of time and when they ask me about resolutions and I don't know I say 1080p.

And then I also do retrospections, which is to remember what I did back in 2012. Or what did I wished for in the end of 2011. Oh, I've wished I'd find a regular job. I didn't. At least we are working on a contract based project. And then the search again.
I did got some money from this one so far. I bought some good stuff lately, finally I can move on and buy stuff and plan stuff a bit after so many months of nothingness. But are money the happiness? They do give some happiness and safety that's for sure. Anyway, I bought a new android tablet, Google Nexus 7. An SD Floppy emulator for my 8bit/16bit computers. A DStwo card for my NDS. I am still waiting for my Raspberry Pi. I finally bought Grimrock from GOG. I could do some shopping again because we started that job and I got a small amount for a start. It's a growing trend in the end of 2012, so I think 2013 will be better in that aspect, but maybe a more steady job too? Or I am going berserk with rejections and try my luck building my own Android apps and see how this works. I will do anyway. One of my coding resolutions.

Oh, retrospections. I feel like making small comebacks in the demoscene. There was this sadness after 2008 maybe where I wasn't feeling like demomaking. I was declining and I was fed up. But then I said it's a good hobby and you can't just quit. Just make it fucking worth it! I think I did and I am in a good road. 2009-2010 I had my master in UK, so besides keeping a distance from demomaking during these years (though if I search, I still did few stuff, but crappy stuff) I had to focus on other stuff like the studies and an attempt to find a job outside (which didn't go well unfortunately). And then I came back a bit, especially on the CPC, with demos like Chunky Chan, Wolfenstrad and my 4k Clouds with virgins in the Skies. And a lot of tiny intros of smaller sizes for cpc, speccy, c64 and dos as I see. Lot's of small stuff just to get used to it. Meanwhile I managed to keep my psychology up, release smaller or medium stuff without caring about what people say, I didn't try to do my best thing ever, I just tried to take part in the competitions of some parties, provide for the scene, be active again and still keep being content about it. I see a growing trend here.

Although I still would like to stop chasing deadlines with demos and if I do more to take my time. And maybe concentrate on something else than demos like making a game with my wolfenstein engine on CPC. Time will tell. Still, for 2013 I promised to participate in a megademo for the 30 years of CPC with my own part and I haven't started yet. Another plan is to visit a foreign demoparty again, most probably Forever 8bit party, but if not then Revision. And when I visit parties I have this wish to participate in one of the compos. So, another demo or intro deadline? Everything ends in the middle of 2013 though. Or not.

I would like to try something else now. To work on a demo but slowly slowly far before the deadline. To take my time. Build new parts every day, improving old parts, without the stress that there are few times left. Oh,. I did also came back to GP2X coding with my Tyropite little demo, just a scrolltro with my new 3d software rasterizer. Had big plans but started coding the actual demopartys the last two days. I really want to try working slowly for something like 3-6 months. I doubt it will happen but this is my plan for my next GP2X demo.

And then there are many other small things, like my wish to get into Android coding and try my luck in the market. Everybody is begging me to start but it won't be that easy to have gains I believe. But I should try and see how it goes. I should say that I at least tried it..

Another demo wish, take my time, learn to make my own tracker music. Kinda hard start for someone who wasn't into this and what do I expect, to make fitting music for my future demos? I want to try and improve slowly. I would like to express some of my feelings through music. I think..

Are all my retrospections and resolutions about demos? No,. I just have a lot to write about that. Not much are left from regular life. A job perhaps. A girlfriend? What a joke!

Oh,. new hobbies? I actually started a new hobby this year and that is astronomy. I spent time with binoculars observing and I realized how relaxing that was, me alone looking at the sky, with the sounds of the night. Then I got the biggest present from my brothers, a reflector telescope. But this one, hmm.. too much time to setup, too much to learn about how to use it, I barely managed to see some stuff and I need more time for this. But it was cool! Coolest thing is that I also search in Stellarium or Wikipedia or other sources for the stuff that I've observed. The sightings are not as impressive as one would expect, but the things that you learn are interesting. The different way you see the skies. The mindblowing feeling of looking at something that is so far. The moons of Jupiter. The Orion Nebula. Andromeda Galaxy. Some are visible with binoculars, others with telescope. Some might be visible with naked eye without the city light pollution they say. Wow! I am just enthusiastic on the idea and so I wasn't disappointed.

Very lately the past year, I had some good social experiences (maybe with a bit of booze but not always) and kept a mentality that help me enjoy the social more and abolish fear. I might had periods of such good insights even years ago and rarely, but you have to live and relive the good concepts to finally learn to think in  a more healthy way. The ideas are simple, but one shouldn't expect people won't have problems adopting to them. Simply, I was in a meeting and realized that I should try to balance my emotions about "don't know what to talk". About feeling inferior when people around you are more social, or they know each other more, or you don't know what to say. Control your emotions, decrease negativity in many different paths. Am I talking? No? Then don't care. Don't think you are bad. Enjoy sitting there and be a listener. Do I care about what to say? Say something. Say something stupid. It's better than not say anything. But if you don't manage, don't be sad. You try to talk and then she leaves? Akward? Move to the next person. Don't want to talk to girls? Afraid? Go talk to guys. Talk about casual boring shit. Or talk about demos and tech stuff. Or UFOs. Or,... it doesn't matter!!! When it matters then negative emotions get stronger. Forget it. Talk, don't talk, talk boring stuff, talk your stuff, jump from a person to another, try to have fun. If you fail in all, still don't become bitter. Go eat stuff at the party and get a drink. Go home. But never never never get sorrow. Because that's what I did. Cheat. Succumb your emotions. Say it's all a bad joke. Fuck that shit!!!

Confusing, balancing either sides of emotions, but this is one great thing I learned near the end of this year for social situations. Also, don't think you are there just to get a girlfriend (this is a next step for me and it won't happen). Don't destroy your night with this thought "Ok,. I am perfectly social, so what? I am still not getting any!". I almost did it. I was sad for 1-2 days. No! At least you had fun.

There are more to say about stuff that I remember from 2012, things I've improved on and things I didn't do and what I want to do in 2013 and the things I don't even know I will do. But I will stop here. My improvement on my demoscene feelings and activity was a good positive curve. My attempts at personal evolution and recent thoughts on social fears is a good way to go. I don't know if these will evolve or if I will succumb again into nothingness. My job hunting fails, at least I have a part time project now.

p.s. Comic from XKCD. This is exactly how I felt recently. Without This Year's gonna be different though. Pessimistic and sometimes not..

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