Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Reprogramming my brain

I am still waiting for this point in my life where somehow my mind will evolve in such a way that I will feel like a different person who isn't afraid of things, who acts in the way it would seem to me impossible in the present because I know what to expect from myself. Of course that point is not a single one where these things happen suddenly but constant evolution. The problem is that because of the slow way things move, one has to keep focusing on a new state of mind for a long time till the old one will seize to be a burden. But since the old mind is much more powerful than new ideas, a new mental behavior that might be the right one, will be obscured by your old mental habits before managing to adopt it. It's a bit like a diet. Quite hard to loose enough weight but most important getting your organism used to a more healthy eating habit for the rest of your life, yet quite easy to put that weight back, be dissapointed and quit.

The way to reprogram your brain, to make it adopt to a radically new and healthier perception of things would be first to find the possitive concepts that might be worth a shot to focus for the rest of your life and try to stick with them. Later, if a chosen concept and a change in mental habits seem to be the reason for a more positive life, you could focus on how this proved to be more succesful than your old mind habits, trying to persuade your brain that "hey, this thing actually worked and the old shit you kept in your brain all the time never did!". Make it believe!

It's as a hard as a diet (or harder I'd say). We are stuck to old mental habits, common example being negative thinking, and how do you get a pessimistic person to suddenly or gradually think about positive things? It's a vicious circle. Perhaps some events, some considerations might help you someday to see things different, that maybe this thing works if I focus enough. It doesn't come for years but then it hits you. Time is the best healer they say.

It needs faith too. Some good new ideas that you could adopt and make your life easier might be fought by your old self. Complex logical arguments, things that you say to yourself or your close environment responds to, might not let you adapt this new worldview. But if you realize something is good for you and you have to adopt it to move on you might pull it. Especially if you had the same shit for so many years, you might need a change. Counter-arguments even from your old self might hit you hard and make you hesitant concerning the new idea. It needs faith, the kind of faith you see in movies where someone is in a dillema concerning an actions, makes his move, later thinks that he made the wrong choice (is there really right or wrong anyway?) and at the end someone else reassures him that he did the right thing.

This is what I tell myself. To have faith. That I am doing the right thing. Though, there is still logic behind it. In the past I couldn't feel well with everything if the logic or ethics could not be explained perfectly. Hopefully I have passed this point where I had nothing to believe in, where I wasn't sure about myself. I have collected few mental concepts that are very suitable helpers to make me live a happier life as much as I can. They are interconnected sometimes. And I am incorporating more stuff.

This was supposed to be a long introduction to something else, something that I started writting but decided to not publish yet because I want for a chance to not hurry posting thoughts that are badly written and incomprehensible but take care of a good structured text that manages to explain the ideas I want to say properly. This is maybe the first time I do this and the matter it will speak about it has to do with one of the good ideas I have started to incorporate and is quite important to me to throw in a harsh written text (it already doesn't look so good). It would be a good exercise and interesting experience to try for the first time to reform a text like I was coding something and trying to improve before release. I don't know when it will be finished or if I will still release the bad version because I can't do this properly.

Anyway, the idea I want to formulate properly has to do with The Noise I mentioned earlier. Thinking about it in the way I do changes my perspective and might make me a happier person if I stay into this. I am really anxious to write about this but for the first time I have to rewrite it carefully and take my time. Maybe one day I will try to take some of my scattered random thoughts of things I believe are important and reformulate them in a much shorter and clear version in my website (that is still under destruction anyways :P).

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

The things that you love

There are two mottos I want to speak about today, one somehow working upon me as I learn to live with it, the second being quite popular yet it seems invalid in my case.

The way I am trying to live today reminds me of quotes like "Do what you love" and "Be yourself". In a nutshell, it reflects my faith of sticking to what I love and be sure that everything is going to be alright. It reminds me a bit of that famous quote from the alchemist, when you want something so much the universe conspires to create that reality. It's a kind of blind faith. Some think it's dangerous.

What is the fear? That by chasing your special dreams you forget the common life. What if your dreams fail to be realized, you turn up fourty without having done much in your regular life? Should you risk aiming for the higher ground instead of focusing on a regular life?

This fear breeds another sequence of ideas that made into mottos. Your life is small. Your life is precious. Live every moment. The big question is: What would you do if you knew that today is the last day of your life.

I really don't understand this motto. Or maybe I just despise it. Or I think it's invalid, it's unhelpfull, it's not motivating. For me.

Seriously, what would one do? What we see in movies is people saying to their relatives that they love them or trying to do everything all at once because they will never get a second chance. So, is this a nice way to spend the last day of your life? Would you enjoy activities if you did them with such anxiety?

As for my case, I really don't know what I would do if I knew this was my last day. Definitelly I wouldn't hurry to do everything I never did before in one day. I would either function just like the rest of the days or not (As I can't imagine the psychological state). Furthermore, I can't understand the fear of humans concerning the idea of only having one chance to live. Your life is every moment. As long as you are conscious you are already living it. When you are dead it won't matter too, since you won't be there as a consciousness to be sorrowful about that. And if your consciousness continues in the afterlife, you got your second chance. Either way you win! I totally can't relate to the fear of being at some age and looking back at the time you've lost. I don't even beleive there is lost time, since every experience counts. It's only lost when other people force you away from the things that you love to do because they think they only know what's best for your life. Ahhh,. the irony!

Going back to the first quote that I am more connected with, it's focusing on the things that you love without being disturbed by such thoughts whether what you are doing is the right thing or you are spending your precious time on something that you might regret in the far future. It's still a faith but it seems to make my everyday a little more happy and even more as I learn to live with this in mind.

As for the second quote of living your every day as if it was your last day of your life, while it seems thoughtful or attractive from an aspect of trying to live every moment with full energy, it doesn't appeal to me. Not only it's not motivating me but creates a lot of negativity in my case. It seems that it's trying to motivate me by fear, shadows a real view of the things that I actually love and thus I cannot see the reality clearly. And the reality is that if I was spending time worrying whether everything I do is lost time, being scared and fear being my motive for doing things, then this would be the case where I would drive my life in a wrong way. Wait, it actually happened already. I spend years discussing whether what I do is right or wrong, trying to find excuses towards those voices that criticise my way of life, remnants of the social common sense. It's not the time that was spent, it's just the years of bad mood and stupid obsession on trying to find an answer to all these allegations instead of focusing on what comes natural to me.

There was a moment I lost my faith. I had spent years on my own things while trying to find excuses to what I do, hoping that maybe there is worth to it at the end. Things went wrong as I came close to thirty and my obsessive focus became rotten. It was a tipping moment in my life. First there were some texts about the philosophy of meditation that relaxed my mind and made me understand that I put too much value to everything, resulting in too much hurt. A bigger inspiration was Ayn Rand. I didn't know anything about her or her philosophy before, so I've watched an Ayn Rand documentary and later the film The Fountainhead, based on her book. Among other things, the idea of an individual insisting on his own style regardless the risks was a common theme. Evolved was the idea that even with failure it was worth it, it was worth to do something unique rather than stick to the safe status quo. Maybe the idea of a conspiring universe is there too, that given the time at the end you always win.

It's not necessary that the last one is true. It doesn't seem to be a universal law to me. At least not proven. Many people might have followed their dreams but died in vain. We just haven't heard about them because they never became famous for their works. What might work is that if you keep focusing on the things that you love while learning to avoid the noise (fears whether you are on the right path or not), things might flow more naturally. And what if it's still not enough? What if several years might pass without any success, falling into oblivion and the rest of your life being rotten. This is the point where my faith says that it shouldn't matter. Because you have lived a life where every moment possible was filled with authenticity driven by the true spirit inside you. The moment is now!

At the end, I stopped making sense of the noise. You are born, you are raised, a unique personality with it's own needs and passions. You just came down to earth knowing nothing. As you evolve, you grab onto new things, you learn new ideas, being inspired by new people and you decide what you'd like to do in life. People with a different set of these elements come and argue about your way of life for various reasons. This might become a fuzz in your mind. The noise might shadow what is real for you. You might have to find by discovering more about yourself. In order to escape you have to know yourself but also need a little bit of faith to overcome fear.

Simplicity is the key. Just think, what is natural? If someone is oppressing you with the idea that you might lead the wrong life then why do you still do it? Because it's natural to you! If I need fear and oppression to be forced onto something, then maybe this something is not my thing? Why do we spend so much time arguing on what are the natural aspects of things? Sometimes I wonder whether we should all just shut up and do what we love to do, or at least try to discover it.

The thing that I called today "noise", the social noise being a more complete title, is totally unnecessary and wasteful. If time could ever be wasted, then the true waste would be people arguing about your life and yourself trying to defend it rather than what you chose to do with your life.

p.s. An old friend told me once to Have a time. It's referring to the saying Have a good time but without the good. The meaning is that of trying to live a good life without worrying about living a good life. I'd say you don't have to try. Focus on your true self (or finding it) and avoid the noise.
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