Things in my mind are slowly changing to a point that makes me feeling more free and happier as a person. Still, a lot of things have to be fixed and progress in my regular life, but it's the spirit that I am trying to heal gradually and this is what I discovered to be more important than anything else. Practically I might look like a total loser, without a job, without a girlfriend and not even being someone special in the geek hobby that served as an alternative route in this mess. But even if I somehow changed some of this, people would never care about how I feel inside, they wouldn't question what worked this time and I succeeded, they would rather compare my performance to what is considered to be the common norm and that would be enough for them. The rule says that if you are succesfull as it is defined by society then you are on the right track. No matter how you got there or how you feel about it as an individual.
The question arose during several moments in my life whether it's possible to just accept what I am and be happy with it. It's not like that accepting your situation it would make you lazy and you won't evolve. Afterall if you are still here, something is not moving the wheels already. There are some good reasons why I didn't evolve like the rest of the world in some aspects. The thing is, being at this position and then worrying about it won't fix anything. I have been through this for most part of my life, being anxious about the concept of normality and myself not fitting and trying to defend my case against this notion. My decision to ignore the whole notion of normality and just try to accept and further understand who I am is a well thought mental stance that I recently took and goes along with my well being, creating a more positive ground for evolving in a true natural way. Not just clinging to normality but even trying to defend against it only made it worse. Ignoring it and just moving along is the most healthy option for me.
That's how I felt when I decided to search about these matters again. I found some good texts discussing how absurd normality is but I felt indifferent to justifications. I suddenly felt that I was one step ahead towards feeling mentally free. In the past I used to write a lot about normality and how I despise this notion, but even this activity triggered negative thoughts because I was so emotionally involved in this. Defending yourself against this is like you accept in a sense that normality is a concept, unconsciously registering the idea of normality in your brain, preserving your old thoughts about it.
I am not sure I make sense here. Someone had a similar perception about fighting for "X" group. It would make someone emotionally involved with the idea that there is some inequality between the "X" group and the rest of the ("normal", you get it?) world. This struggle to defend against the inequality concept enforces this concept deeper in your subconscious, simply put taking it seriously and thus creating the opposite effect. I realized that it would work best if you laugh at these ideas like they don't exist or even better wipe out the notion of "normal" from your brain. Well, you almost can't. But you can pretend to. To defend normal, would be like accepting it's existence, trying to somehow fit in yourself in this scheme instead. Not the most awesome thing you could do facing this absurd idea.
So, it's like waking up one day and saying: Ok, I know now that "normal" is just a stupid idea that's not worth it (some good reasons for that are in this article), the more I argue about it the more I preserve the negative feeling in my brain, so what's next? Should I "fight" it? The more I "fight" it, the more obsessed I am becoming about it, so it still consumes me emotionally. My move should be something in a higher ground than this. Either laugh at it or ridicule it (which is still a form of "fighting" (aka being involved), at least it's a lighter form) or better ignore it. So, is ignoring it the best alternative? Close to that.
The truth is that it's still a subject that interests me, and it truly touches me and I cannot ignore when I see people worrying about not being "normal" as I used to, even if I have escaped from it. Can one just "fight" it and would that consist of bitching against people using this notion? They are free to keep their own view and if this is the opinion of the majority then let it be. Maybe there are good biological or psychological reasons for most people wanting to belong and feel that they fit in, in the same way these factors forced me to follow a different route in my life compared to the norm.
I think that the best way to both avoid being affected from normality and still feel like giving a "fight" for humanity against this notion is to be true to yourself. That sounds very common. Everybody speaks about "being yourself" but the world is discussing limiting concepts about what should be normal or not again. That's because the ideas of normality were culturally interbreed in your brain. That's because you don't dismiss the idea once and for all but you are only trying to "fit in" (squeeze) yourself in a normality-based reality. So, even by excusing yourself for some of your mannerisms, it's like you don't dismiss the idea of normality entirely, but try to beg for some acceptance of you differences in this scheme.
I might be still not making sense in the last paragraph. I'd only like to say that it was quite hard. It took me several years of mental ruminations, frustration, anger, constant resolutions about my life, reflections on my emotions, changing of perspective till I reached a point that I saw a clear road ahead toward happiness. One idea that helped came from readings about Zen philosophy, helping me realize that I was worring a lot about stupid ideas where ideas are pure air if you give it a bit of thought. Especially normality. Worrying about such an absurd idea was totally destroying me emotionally. This rotten idea is totally out of the question for a happier existence.
Even if you manage to understand this new viewpoint, it's still hard to set yourself free. There might be possibly parts of your life that doesn't let you feel well and be hostile to this more healthy view. For example, it would be easier to say "So, I have this strange habit to talk alone in my room. Who cares if it's normal or not, that's just me and I am happy with it." but much harder to claim "I am scared to admit that I don't have and never had a girlfriend and I am 31". The last one is the culprit actually, the last attack of normality oppresion, so much that I once thought I should hurry up to get a girlfriend once so that I won't feel like a total loser anymore, even if she would later dumb me and I wouldn't care anymore. Isn't that totally fucked up? Maybe many other people harshed to make relationships in order to escape the feeling of abnormality?
Even if I later was erasing normality from my brain, there was still this tip of the iceberg, still not having a girlfriend at such an age (and I could write my thoughts about this in a future post because I am not afraid to admit it anymore and I have some interesting thoughts I would like to share). It's like I had to get over with this to feel totally unaffected by normality and snob it. But I said no! Even in my current position I have very good reasons to feel fine with myself. Why does everything have to be categorized as good or bad, normal or not, right or wrong and be put this label that all it does is spur emotional turbulance to the person targeted at? I am escaping from this. I just need to act like I don't know these notions, these labels but only myself. This is what means to be yourself:
You need faith. You need to understand yourself further. And then you just need to be honest and discuss. No labels. No, I am this because some excuse. Just express your individuality as it is. Honesty is acceptance.
If more people would do this then we would acquire the idea of a more "abnormal" world. The delusion would slowly break apart. This might already be happening. Making a ridicule of this in a honest way is going to be funny. You don't need to do this intentionally but it will come naturally. Just be yourself and baffle the people around you with your individuality. Enjoy your freedom of acting like an individual and the amazement it produces to people still bearing the monolithic notion of normality. Act like the words "normal" or "abnormal" are not there, not even laughable but non existent. "Normal? Is this an obscure musicgroup? Do you mean a vector tangent to a surface? What do you mean?" Speak with the truthfullness of yourself. I start:
This is me. I am a sensitive person. I used to cry. This emotional world of mine affects me quite badly in my everyday life. I don't feel well at social situations no matter how much times I have tried in the past. Things that are common for many people scare me to hell yet I try to overcome my fears. I felt shy about everything and sometimes I still do. I am getting anxious about eye contact. I sometimes don't remember faces. I can't give easilly directions. I used to be anxious about these facts. I daydream. I overanalyze things. I find more interest in ideas. I can't handle casual talk. I am obsessing about things. I don't have the same interests or life dreams as most people. People criticised me that if I don't change then I will be lonely yet I still have few very close and interesting friends. I truly don't need to fit in. These are in a nutshell some basic things describing me. Without labels. Now that I know more about myself, I could explain you further why I am like this or why I still don't have a girlfriend at this age (which seems to be the biggest taboo for normality) but the fact remains that I feel well with myself as long as I don't have to worry about the idea of not being someone else. This is me.
I feel free again. I have just abolished my fears..