Wednesday, April 06, 2011

Fueling that anger

This is a small post, written under the influence of an angry state. It's not radical, it's not filled with sorrow, it's not extreme. I wouldn't mind if it was though. If you stay faithful to the intention then the critic doesn't matter.

Naturally I am submissive. This means that I don't react to the outside world while challenged. I keep things inside me. My reaction is neither right or wrong, it is only what I am.

Most people don't seem to be like me. Many people are more arrogant than I could ever be. Remember, I am the person who was sucked into some sorrow about being bad, incompetent, mediocre or anything. If someone would criticize me about something I would try to defend myself or not, it doesn't matter, what matters is that inside me I would have doubt. I would leave these people harm me in this way, cast this feeling of negativity onto me and I would take the bait. Because I am submissive.

I see people who do the worse things and boast that they are great people, I wonder whether people really see the harm they do, everyone pretends to be a better person and it's only me and few individuals who gets sucked into the negative state, where everyone else tells you you are great and you don't believe it.

Since I realized that most people are lying to their own consciousness (and that's a big thing to say but there, I said it!) I have been nurturing inside me what I was missing. The will to lie a bit, ask for what I want, say things as they are, be a little more arrogant, that means to remind to yourself that you are greater than the rest or just great. Be arrogant, if you want to feel great, say that you are great, fuck the rest of the world and what they think about you. You deserve it!

People will say this is arrogant, egoistic but people do it in a sense. The thing is, I didn't even do it while nobody would hear me!!! I am not talking about meeting some people and boasting, I am talking about even telling to myself when nobody is near that I am not worthless. I am talking about simple things! This is not even close to arrogance compared to what people do outside. With my Pure-OCD I was worried about the thoughts I was doing, can you imagine that? Some random guy is harming the weak publicly and he still feels he is a great guy and that it's justified. I avoided interacting with people in a bad way outside yet I was feeling bad inside me because I made some thoughts I didn't wanted which wouldn't harm anyone by just thinking them. Quite submissive, quite layed back, quite "feeling worthless in any opportunity", taking things so easilly that someone could easily abuse you and make you think you are the bad guy.

I see this submissive characteristic quite frequently when I read discussions in pure-OCD boards. So I know that there is this category of people that struggle with this and I know that I am not alone. I now know, judging from my experiences and my shift in attitude, that a good way to get over this is to accept being arrogant. I know that it's a right way to go, especially for people like me. We deserve it!

I always try to remember some reasons why I deserve this. First of all, most people are not as sensitive as we are. Yet, this extreme sensitivity is not to our advantage. The less sensitive wins and that might be even true in an evolutionary sense. You can't get the job or the girl if you are (as they say) too sissy. Even if you are more worthy than you may think of yourself, it's not convincing at all not showing this. Most people are more convincing than what they really are. Arrogance wins!

Another reason is that everybody lies anyway and what is the truth? Through my endless monologues and realization of what reality is, I can see the truth too. That there is not truth. Words and ideas are our creation, they carry emotions that we have put into them, emotions of words and meanings might change a bit depending on the person carrying them, his environment and his experience. The emotions they carry are connected to your personality which is a conclusion of your environment, your life experiences, your upbringing, your education. You only get negative or possitive feelings about things because they taught you to feel so. It might sound radical but there is no good or bad. It's an illusion that people twist to their advantage. It's an illusion that harms sensitive people like me. You don't need to feel negative about being a "bad" person and you don't need to struggle being a "good" person. The only thing that works is trying to discover who you really are and follow your own path.

I think that a common characteristic of a submissive person is how he uses his anger. Most of the days you might feel average or less, but when one day it hits you for some reason, you get suddenly very angry with your past and your life and then how does it go from there? Do you succumb into sorrow? Do you complain and then feel worthless? Do you let the situations make you feel worse? Do you feed on negativity? Those could be the signs.

The way to go is using your anger as fuel, change perspective. Learn who you are and why you deserve something better! Say that no matter what happens you are a good person. Remember the people who tell you that you are great. Don't doubt anymore, say it. Allow yourself to be arrogant. Even if you shout "all people are assholes, I am the fucking best", remember that you are still less arrogant than most people. Words are just ideas, especially telling to yourself that people are assholes doesn't harm anyone. You can start by this. Illegal telepathy is inexistant. Nobody can hear your thoughts and so you can at least believe in yourself even after inner doubt or outside critics. You can believe because all these are just ideas which are thin air and people even do it publicly. People lie outside but you can't even do it inside.

I know that all these sound like new age crap. And I know that whatever I write here cannot be used. Because it's not enough to say these to you. Some people where telling me to believe in myself but I didn't got it. But it's more than pure instructions. It has to be fed in you after you being fed up with reality, being fed up with always feeling worthless while some assholes are roaming this world, beeing sorrowful seeing the very very good people on this planet worsening up because being too sensitive is not working in your advantage, I hate seeing the weakest weakening more. All these in addition to the realization, the understanding of myself and the reality (seeking the truth is the most important thing to me and the most faithful one forever) and my hope for a radical change all came together that moment and taught me besides other stuff to fuel my anger, to kick a little bit of arrogance, to ask for what I deserve.

It takes time. And realization. Someone said that some truths cannot be told because one has to live the experience to understand. Don't worry if you don't get it. You will. In time.

p.s. Even when it fails (say that you fueled your anger too much in the outside and things went worse) you have to stay firm. Your arrogance says that "you don't deserve this!". So, stay firm! Accept the mistakes and continue. Don't let sorrow and don't let negativity inside. Even if things are not seemingly good for a long time. At the end, everything is an idea, thin air, nonsense. You will have your good times when you forget all these and laugh. Just keep firm and with the intention to get what you deserve! Will your OCD tell you that you are a "bad" guy now? Tell it that this is what you intended to be. Tease it. Nobody cares anyways. It's only you who do..
Locations of visitors to this page