Saturday, December 10, 2011

I need to play

I am not motivated to try to be the best. It seems to me that maybe I can be good enough and happy if I can identify and follow the flow of the game.

I used to play table tennis for a little while. Just at school or with friends but rarely. While I was playing I had a natural instinct, like I was a hunter hunting the ball and defending, making sure I hit it at the proper angle so that it went back to the opponent's side. I was just playing rarely when given the opportunity and by pure instinct, without knowing any moves or how to hit properly the ball. I decided one day that maybe I should try table tennis lessons, so that I get more close to the real side of this sport and maybe a talent would unravel.

I kept playing for fun. I didn't want to get better. I wasn't moving my arm properly as it was instructed. We played with groups of people. It was fun. One asked me why I am not improving? Why do I keep defending and not making a directed attack or make the moves properly as instructed. I just didn't took it seriously. I realized that if I play with some friends who are not professionals then just playing with this instinct I have developed is enough to win. But this doesn't work with professionals of course. I like chasing the ball, I like having success in not letting it fall down, but it's just a lousy defense and I don't have a plan. At the same group I remember a girl who played in the same way as me.

We used to play Unreal Tournament together with friends. A friend sometimes tells me that when you play with a professional player then you lose the meaning, it feels meaningless to try anymore because you will never be so good as him unless you devote your whole life into this. There is also another effect because of this. When you play and you are losing so badly that it's pointless to continue, then you are affected and play worse. Best thing is to focus on the game and have fun, not thinking about the score.

I was curious about this thing affecting my real life. I see people who care about being the best too much. My life in their view would be like someone who is totally careless about his progress. I don't like to look this with such negativity though I have recently understood there is something different between me and specific persons. Maybe, some say in psychology, it's because I was the middle child. Additionally I don't think I was much encouraged to think high of myself. I am always feeling like the mediocre person or worse.

I am really not the same as the people I think about. Simple fact, if I really wanted to be the best, I would be fit, I would have a girlfriend from 18 or something, I would not take 8 years to finish the university, I would not almost screw again my master's degree and do a second year, I would even go for high marks or the perfect final project. I would have cured procrastination, I would have changed more things. If I wanted to be as perfect as some people want to be, I would put a gun in my head and say "If you screw again this time then you are dead". I would not take it lightly. I would not accept myself being so lame.

It's not bad. I don't want to put more negativity to myself. I just want to show you what I have realized, how different I am in some aspects from others. I want to show you that I would be an image of the worst nightmare for someone who cannot stand himself not being perfect. I want to show you the big difference and one of the reasons I don't seem to move on in some aspects of my life.

Though it's not that I am lame. The reality is that I am different. I am just not motivated by some goals. To tell you, something it's not that I don't like perfect things, in fact someone might have told me once that I was too perfectionist. There is one fact, sometimes I become a bit of perfectionist for things that I build, I want the stuff that I create to be good (no matter if I have released bad stuff), I dream for example of amazing demos or extremely optimized code and such stuff. I get crazy about some people who have achieved perfection through their works.

Maybe I am not as interested about the idea of me being a perfect being as for releasing some good works that reflect the better of myself. It seems that even my demo hobby for example was a way to show that, feeling mediocre with myself but creating something beautiful that people will watch and remember I did it. I always thought that I would afraid to go on the scene and play in a rock band for example because I'd have to not make mistakes. But with a demo, once you finish it and debug it, it remains always the same. It's a work of art that stays. People might never know the creator but he has left something that is even better than how he feels of himself.

It's an interesting idea. Anyway, there is also an objection to all the above. It says that the idea that I don't want to improve myself is a big false lie. I definitely want to improve myself. It's just that I don't find some things important. There are some parts of myself where I feel like I am improving. The spirit, the thought, the personality. Because they are interesting, because it's the game I like to play, to think about things, to analyze ideas, to understand my position in this world, to explain my problems, my worries, to know who I am and why things have come to this and even to seek for some mental improvement in places that can be practical too. I don't care about taking too high grades in the university, I almost don't care if I took more years to complete it, weight sometimes worries me because of my health but not looks, I don't need a girlfriend desperately (just to stop feeling uberlame?), I don't care about being a champion or the first in my job, making a carreer or feeling important. Sometimes I think I do care about these things or I am mislead to believe this is what I should seek, but the thing is that if I really cared then I would have a rich life and being succesful or finish the uni in time and have a good job and a clashy girlfriend or something.

When I naturally manage to play, to follow the game that attracts me, to fully enjoy creating things then it's a rare moment where things work. But usually I am either not doing the thing I feel like doing or flirting with the idea that maybe I could focus into becoming someone. But I don't have this and I will never have it.

I recently had the idea that I shouldn't worry about who I am and that playing with the things that I love I could reach success. I imagined some famous scientists or artists and I concluded that possibly many of them didn't thought about becoming a celebrity or getting a nobel prize or anything, they were just too fucking obsessed with what they were doing. Not that I care about becoming a famous person, it's just that I think that people obsessed only with the thought of becoming rich and famous don't usually achieve that.

I don't need to worry about being mediocre or not being perfect. I should just try finding the good flow where myself and things that I love come together and I just start creating things. Good things will come too.

Sometimes though the game is not yours. Sometimes you are forced to play another's game. So, just remember there are those times where you can still play your own games. Your free time and a clean mind.

p.s. Your job for example is a different game. You don't have full control. A personal creative project can be your own fully controlled game. Don't screw this up! Sometimes I felt restricted in my demoscene hobby because of thinking what people would think about my work. Big mistake! Some friends when they finish their job for the day and then have their whole day to play their own games, free time to be creative or just enjoy life, they instead feel miserable and don't do much stuff. I am trying to control this too.

Sunday, December 04, 2011

Tribute to cats

I like my cats. I like my cats. I very much like my cats. I like so much my cats that my avatar is that of a cat.

I like this cat a lot. It's the white cat. It's the male cat. He likes my bag. Must be the leather. He likes it a lot. He likes to lay down there. I love it when I see him lay down there and sleep. He is so cute.

Some days ago he fell down from the 1st/2nd floor. He hit. He is not the same. He lost one soul. Maybe the next soul has a different inflict. Whatever. My brother takes care of the cats so we went to doctor. We fix him soon.

He comes near me but I play Doom. Nobody interrupts me when I play Doom. So the cat seems a bit sad that I don't pay attention to him. But I like my cat so much that I could even stop playing Doom for a while to listen to his pours.

Sometimes cats make babies too. This is because we also have a female cat.

This must be the female cat. She has grey/golden fur. If I am not mistaken because the light is bright. Anyway, usually the female cat likes to stare outside the window. She also likes more food and chocolate but I must not give her too much chocolate because I have heard it's bad for her. She comes in my desk, she pours and runs and meow and stuff. It's so cute that I stop whatever I am doing to pay attention to her.

This is a very funny and very fat cat we have found in a greek tavern. One day I will buy a cat like that.

My cats are therapephtic. I talk to my cats. When I talked to myself it was seemingly weird. At least now I will feel like talking to someone.

Cats are Zen.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

The problem

There is no problem. First of all.

But suppose there was one if we were to find it, it wouldn't be trivial, it would be chronic, it would be something that requires you to look at the whole picture.

It's not the people, it's not the music, it's not video games, it's not drugs, it's not smoking, it's not food, it's not lack of sleep or the lack of sex, it's not laziness, it's not stupidity, it's not what you chose to do with your everyday life, it's not the details. These things reside in the microcosm you live and when you get the strength to change small things you will need them but how can you do it if you are not ok with yourself?

How can you do it in an environment that tells you about these things, they speak again about the old story, about real life, normality, how one should be and how he shouldn't and whatever they have heard from other people speaking the common sense around?

And how can you do it if you are more like me, when even if these people stop telling you these things, the whole culture or media or regular people around you somehow manage to touch you in the most negative way making you feel like a worthless shit? And because you are like me you start thinking about these and construct dialogues on your head where whatever ever you say there is an answer to tell you that you are invalid or that you don't have another good reply this time, that you are just trying to find excuses to not improve yourself, that you are not right.

What I am writting here might not apply totally to every person out there but those few individuals who are affected. Do you know what the problem is? It is that feel of guilt, the self-victimization, the highly negative effect from blame, from criticism. It is when you suffer so much that even if left alone you fight with those ideas inside your head. And then people tell you that nobody is blaming you yet the world is doing that to you with it's unwritten laws of what is and what is not. It's for those who are affected.

The problem is called the Noise. It is in the year and city you were born, it is in your family environment and it is in the modern culture. If you are unlucky and at right at this point you belong to the minority then there might be disturbance. If you are more sensitive as a person than there is definitelly going to be turbulance. Starting with your close environment and later on with an idea you have acquired about what the world wants you to be. You as in everybody, as in everybody ought to look more like this majority of people. If you are easilly affected then you are carrying this right now. If the most negative parts of the environment are not there to make things worse, still you are constantly excusing yourself for what you are. And excusing, while it looks like trying to give some rights to what you are, it really takes away your rights in your psyche because if things where right with you you wouldn't need to excuse in the first place.

We take things literally. Ideas mean something for us. We try desperatelly to fit our own personalities to the ideas scattered around the world, especially the most popular ones. Everybody is working, why am I not? Everybody is fit, why don't I have the right body? Everybody has a girlfriend (the strongest one), what's the matter with me? Am I lazy? Am I worthless? Am I a bad person?

I realized that ideas are like thin air and most people really doesn't care about them even if they will tell you the opposite. Nobody is going to publicly admit that because it sounds like living without ethics. Or maybe they don't know it. The strongest force in the world is the social game. Your opinions, your ideas will be expressed if they are similar to those around your social environment. The popular ideas are more usually expressed thus they become even more popular, so much that they become such strong taboos that nobody dares to challenge. Even if one tried to do that, arguments wouldn't matter. The subconscious feeling that some classic ideas seem absolutely right because everybody believes so (aka it's common sense) would win. You only have the need to oppose to specific ideas when they are critical to your personality.

So, by understanding that the whole thing is a farce, the unwritten social laws, what people claim they believe, what people show about themselves, things that you worry without need, the injustice of torturing yourself with these thoughts when people really don't care, the first step to free yourself from this burden comes. Now, while I had almost reached that state, where there was a little peace for a while, last year I was living in London, and this still came in an outrage and while reading some texts about meditation. Apparently the ideas were similar to what I had, emptying your mind from the nonsense, which for people similar to me is this thing I call The Noise, that makes us feeling worthless.

And yet, when I came back to Greece, oh the environment. It's really hard even after having the idea of how things should be and how you should not worry about things, to not worry when your family is hysterical about things. So, if I were to say about what the problem is with everything I'd say there are two things I have to take care of. Stop listening to these negative thoughts and accept who you are, might be hard to change mental habits but it happened to me when I realized I can't live like this anymore. The second thing is to avoid the environment that reminds you these things in the most negative way. Which might have to come first, because I could open my mind when living in London away from my parents for a whole year and still started in the last months of this period. Why I say that?

I had my first chance with Erasmus for 7 months. I never resolved the problem in that period. I needed more time. Even if you have your peace, your inner thoughts doesn't let you. Second time in London, only when the master was about finishing and I realized I am not living the day in peace while I am finally free without anybody to fill my head with negative ideas. It was me who was still oppressing me with these things. When I still was trying to excuse about things I shouldn't excuse in the first place. This could my last opportunity to have this peace and I waste it because all these ideas, our culture, our popular beliefs have instigated a guard inside my mind to check if I still deny the standards when nobody else is there? To hell with it!!!

So, this is how hard it is even when you are left alone to think matters again for a year. I could be unlucky and not have this sudden burst of anger that made me say enough. But I had my revelation, I had my enlightment and I remember it. It's only that it's harder now that I am back to the primary source of negativity. Only good thing is that if one knows the concept, one can find an hour or day to get away maybe (I just need a job. Something to make me again independent and rent a home to live).

I know what is not good for me now. I have no doubts. It's not that I am not meeting enough people (I do). It's not that I don't talk too much (I sometimes talk more than people can handle and other times not at all). It's not that I don't have a girlfriend. It's not that I am avoiding things. It's not that I procrastinate too much. It's not that I excuse myself (well, it is :P). It's not that I play video games. It's not that I listen to the wrong people (depends on who is claiming this :). It's not that I don't exercise (Ok, can change someone's mood, but this is about the microcosm of problems). It's not that I read the "wrong" ideas. It's not that I eat the wrong food. It's not that I have not enough hobbies (who has?). It's not that I think too much (well, partially it is but there is more to it). It's not the trivial solution everybody talks about, it's not what you have heard on tv, it's not the common sense.

All these things above have to do about these little problems that become big problems when one worries too much about them. Ok, today I worried about my weight. Everyone tells me I have to do this or that, general rules like they are a secret solution to everything, some other people criticize me and call me lazy, somebody told me to stop when I decided to grab something to eat. The last one especially didn't make sense to me, so much that I had trouble to explain the absurdity. Everyone understand things more when speaking about smoking. So, if someone put another cigarette in his mouth as he always does and you slap him and throw the cigarrete down explaining him he is doing harm, what do you think this action would achieve? Just irritation and the next day the guy would still smoke as much as before. The first guy thinks it's simple, to quit smoking one has to quit smoking. Circular logic. He thinks it's that easy because he is not a smoker. But we all know the problem is deeper.

I have the same thing with food. It's stimulation to me. When I am anxious, when I am not emotionally well or even when I am almost ok, I will escapade to food even if I am not hungry. The solution of just making a diet is not a simple choice, it's quite hard to persuade myself to start moving toward that direction because I will have to avoid my primary stimulation. Exercise is a better alternative since I am less resistant towards this solution though I still need to plan this and decide it. To decide hard changes in your life you have to be in a better emotional state. Or you need to have other more healthy ways to feel well. With all the emotional turbulance in me how am I supposed to accept leaving my primary stimulation even for a little while?

Same thing happens with the rest. Socialization is either too overwhelming or boring for me. I don't know why I MUST be social. One MUST fill his taxes but is one obliged to play football? One should enjoy playing football. Socialization is more like football. You DON'T have to do it, you enjoy doing it unless you don't. Similarly with the quest of finding a girl. It's a social pressure mostly for me. I abandon the idea lately. I mean, the idea that I MUST because it's such a shame not to have in that age. But if I need to struggle so badly to approach a girl then how would it be when I will be together with her? Will I still struggle? Maybe I'll get used with time but what I want to say is that I am not enjoying it. Especially when taking it too seriously. Maybe I could if I would see it more like a game (which I don't like it, I don't like some of these games played in these social situations). Even more things need too much effort that kills me emotionally. Even working for my own hobby, demomaking became such an effort filled with dissapointments and sorrow that had worsen the situation (that's why I attempt to code for myself these days, trying only to touch the positive feeling of it, e.g. not caring about releasing stuff or people not liking what I do).

But the biggest problem of all is worrying and excusing myself about all these things. The paragraph above seems like a big excuse but I want to give you an overview that things are more complicated than one wants to think. Asking for someone to "simply doing things" and then calling him lazy or saying that he is not trying, for not seemingly doing things, is idiotic. This creates a feeling of guilt, a real feeling of not doing and only excusing, it's not the way to go for people like us. Though, it's something that you hear from a lot of people. This answer is quite common. It's Noise.

I'd say, don't worry about thousands of problems. Don't worry about the Noise. Worry about your negative environment. And worry about the worries residing in your mind.

p.s. I'd wish this post had less excuses. Also, the far alternative is arrogance. Scream: "Yes, I am a lazy motherfucker who wants to get everything by doing nothing! I love myself." When things don't work just have faith and be arrogant. People are arrogant, people are hypocrites. Nobody cares. Choose a day and say you don't care. Think about the things that make you feel better without excuses. Without clarifications. If you can't DO what you want to, at least you might be able to THINK what you want to (with lot's of effort if you are like me).

Sunday, November 06, 2011

Creative Flow, Productive Force

How to start this post? I have the same dilemma for most of the stuff I try to post here. I am walking outside in the city during night and then my mind flies onto things I consider interesting, making lengthy analyses that might or might not drive me anywhere and only a strong desire remains to dwelve more into my thoughts and maybe discover something unique, a secret recipe, a deep meaning, a solution to my problems, a hidden insight. And then I decide to return back home and evolve my rows of thoughts into something more structured, a blog post that might not bore you and mainly will feel to me like it has captured the essence of how I feel about things into the tiniest space possible (not so tiny at the end :P).

And look how I have started. I love the previous paragraph because it's weird. It's pure creative flow! And I purely enjoyed writting it. So, let's continue even if I'll change subject twice.

Random thoughts where floating around my head when I grasped one that sounded interesting or nice at the particular time. Then, sometimes I evolve this thought into a whole monologue of connected lists of similar thoughts and it's like hypertext where one item can drive you onto a whole different area as any other item and two different links lead to two different ideas that are high matter to you and you start thinking about the one while telling yourself to remember the other but you forget that one by taking only one route and you try to remember the important thing you just missed and I kind love/hate this effect because it's so weird/cool. I am writting in the silliest way again, without structure because I choose to be loose for this post.

But then again I can change to the main them, which is still not the one. Maybe later. Anyway, the second main thing, I come home, I have this network of similar thoughts with many unique and interesting nodes and say I can focus on two or three of them and encapsulate my thoughts into a solid structured piece of work (I am pretty creative with my vocabulary too right now, feels good or maybe geeky :). Usually I fail. Not as much as here though :)

Anyway, fact is I cannot start at first. This has to do with my other interesting matter about motivation and how to be productive. Problem is, I randomly left my mind thinking about interconnected stuff and now I'll have to restrict my creative flow and focus on producing a good piece of doc. I am greatful this is not yet a paper assignment or my final thesis, because it would be much more bad then. But even when I am writting as a hobby in this blog yet I want to not write entirely random things, I feel that pressure when I stop letting the flow drive me and I start trying to follow a specific plan.

And then I cannot write. At first. I just need a start up. If you start up with one or two sentences that start flowing among your thoughts then more things follow up. Till something distracts you or you start hating your writting. Anyway, so if I cannot find a start up, because the start up was really making a random thought that escalated into something more interesting while walking in the city, I start up by something like "As I was walking yesterday against the cold wind, blah, blah, blah". Quite poetic or lame? But I want to analyze the subject. Anyway, I bet some of my past blog posts have started like this but not many.

And the main thing I wanted to write about might start here, after five or six paragraph. Oh my gosh!

And the fun fact was that I wasn't walking on the city, I was just riding the bus home :). Anyway, as I was standing there inside the bus, I was worried about some thigns I have to do, some things I want to do and some other things I must do or would like to do. I thought about other people who seem to do things like robots without stop, without worries, without pushing things back or maybe I said they have found the flow. They either are robots or I miss the flow.

I thought about the flow. What do you feel about doing now. The force that drags you but it's not a force that you put to yourself against your will. But your will would be the flow. So, if I feel like doing nothing does it mean that I am dragged by the nothingness flow or that I lack of flow? Anyway,. the important thing is to find the GOOD flow.

It's like Mario Kart Wii. Yep, I am gonna drive you crazy now with my more free style post. I purely enjoy this. My fingers are living their own lives. Anyway, Mario Kart. One thing puzzled us while playing it. Sometimes it seems that the kart fows through a tunnel of air lines, I mean blurry line rendering like it's a warp drive, of course not so crazy, light lines like flows of air. And when this happens you gain something like a deus ex machina speed booster (what the hell am I writting here?), I mean you magically find these invisible speed warp points out of nowhere and wonder why you suddenly fly like a rocket (not the rocket bonus of course which is a sign of suckiness, aka being last in the game :).

Are these mario kart air warps at specific places? Do I have to take the next corner from a specific position or angle? Are they changing positions? They are always invisible, a mystery and yet sometimes you ride them and fly like a maniac! I love it when that happens. But when does it happen? How can I predict how to achieve that effect and keep riding inside the flow? How???

Well, concerning the game, I can just google it, silly me :P

But what about reality? This is what I am searching. I have a programming project or something I really want to do or something I have to do or wish to be done. You feel like you are stuck for no reason (now, this is like a negative invisible flow, no such things on Mario Kart I guess), trying to avoid what you have to do because you feel the negative force, lurking on the net or playing games to avoid responsibilities. And it happens even with the things that you love, the thing that are not supposed to be your responsibilities. And sometimes you get unstuck and while you spend five hours staring at the ceiling, the next two hours flow greatly, many things done, happiness for a little while, till another distraction or simply a different state of mind breaks you from the flow. That's a disaster but how can you drive initially or back through the flow?

This is what I was thinking about in the bus. I said about myself, today I might not even have a flow. Maybe a good flow. Or my flow is generally not doing work. That means, the flowline that drives me most is at the place where I am sitting there doing nothing or just thinking about things or writting more random words than these. There are no strong flowlines at demomaking for me or in my work or in my responsibilities. Everything pushes me back except from enjoying simple things these days. Is it so? Are there no flowlines where thing flow naturally in the steep corners of Mario Kart? Or have I not discovered them?

So, there is the other option. Let's start with a project that pushes me back, stare at it doing nothing, just sit there and think about it, don't push yourself but try to find a hidden flow. In the same way as in Mario Kart, is it in the center of the road or is it at a different angle? So, what is it? What are the variables? Push yourself? Pop yourself? Wait and sleep? Wake up and work? Day? Night? Music? Ambient? Your feelings actually. Try to feel what you feel and what you feel about what you feel about what you feel. Ok,. I am driving crazy here again because this is freestyle :P

So. Maybe I need meditation. Anyway, clear mind, stare at project blankly. Let it flow. If it doesn't, don't mind. You shouldn't mind. It's an interesting idea. Flow is an interesting idea. Why can't I find it? What sucked my energy?

So, the concept of productive force came too. I said I have the vice of creative flow. Work on something only at the moment you feel like so. If the next second you fail to see the point the don't work. You are an artist. You feel things. You feel like working, you feel like expressing yourself through something, at that particular moment. Or you don't. But how to convert this creative flow into something more productive? We people sometimes have to force ourself, against our will. Because usually we have to do something but we don't feel like doing it at that particular moment. Or tomorrow. Or any other day :P

But we are not robots. So there is the free creative flow that happens when it happens but if it does it's a bliss and there is the productive (brute I'd say) force where you have to push yourself when things are near. The whole blog post had to do with this interesting dichotomy and yet I spend something like ten paragraphs talking about my blog posting style and Mario Kart (nice analogies though :).

Now that is letting my creative flow just flow and not care about it. I think James told me once about that. I should try it more. Problem that remains is that there needs to be structure too. Hmm, dichotomy, creative flow is chaos, productive force leads to structure. Or not exactly (need more matching words, heh I feel the words and I love it). It still flows freestyle. But the point is (if I manage to ever put it in normal sentences) that you need the brute force, you need the structure to organize all these things that randomly flow and you love it, but make sense of it.

It's like my friend Sotsoft. I may be wrong but it's like everything that he says is pure creative flow with minimal productive force. Pure chaos, no structure. Whatever I remember I am happy as we say in greek :)

I struggle with structure. But I want structure. I am interesting in structure. But things flow. I want to make sense. To myself too.

So, is Productive Force having a bad meaning? I also thought about this: We people (artists) that are drawn by this creative flow will do fine with things that we want to do exactly that moment but not with most every day things and responsibilities where we just don't feel like doing at the moment. At the same time, maybe an anti-flow towards not doing these things that we don't feel like doing exists. So, we are more susceptible into HAVing to succumb into productive bruteforce methods like pushing us doing stuff without our will because we have to set things moving oneday and we can't just keep staring the ceiling forever.

Productive Force is not the word btw, it's a different sounding, not so negative. Maybe productive force is the same as creative flow. The force that makes you produce. The flow that makes you create. It's just that create has a more artistic feeling while production is preferred for an everyday responsibility or work. So, it could be similar, I forgot what I wanted to say here. So, let's say there is another force which is Productive Force which is a kind of flow where you do stuff even when you don't feel like doing it. Maybe it's overcoming your vices of always succumbing to the creative flow. I don't know cause I don't have it. I always have to do things with brute force.

So, it's more interesting than this and this text has become too random. The artist obsesion? Sometimes I think I have the characteristics of an artist. I say it's strange how I became a programmer and not a writer. Maybe they are not that far away from each other. But programming needs structure, heh? I lately love structre in my programms. I am doing this easier than real life, heh. Real life is much more complex :P

I let me think about the rest alone. Text I enjoyed and now I don't. But the two dichotomies are at the title. Hmm,..

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Reprogramming my brain

I am still waiting for this point in my life where somehow my mind will evolve in such a way that I will feel like a different person who isn't afraid of things, who acts in the way it would seem to me impossible in the present because I know what to expect from myself. Of course that point is not a single one where these things happen suddenly but constant evolution. The problem is that because of the slow way things move, one has to keep focusing on a new state of mind for a long time till the old one will seize to be a burden. But since the old mind is much more powerful than new ideas, a new mental behavior that might be the right one, will be obscured by your old mental habits before managing to adopt it. It's a bit like a diet. Quite hard to loose enough weight but most important getting your organism used to a more healthy eating habit for the rest of your life, yet quite easy to put that weight back, be dissapointed and quit.

The way to reprogram your brain, to make it adopt to a radically new and healthier perception of things would be first to find the possitive concepts that might be worth a shot to focus for the rest of your life and try to stick with them. Later, if a chosen concept and a change in mental habits seem to be the reason for a more positive life, you could focus on how this proved to be more succesful than your old mind habits, trying to persuade your brain that "hey, this thing actually worked and the old shit you kept in your brain all the time never did!". Make it believe!

It's as a hard as a diet (or harder I'd say). We are stuck to old mental habits, common example being negative thinking, and how do you get a pessimistic person to suddenly or gradually think about positive things? It's a vicious circle. Perhaps some events, some considerations might help you someday to see things different, that maybe this thing works if I focus enough. It doesn't come for years but then it hits you. Time is the best healer they say.

It needs faith too. Some good new ideas that you could adopt and make your life easier might be fought by your old self. Complex logical arguments, things that you say to yourself or your close environment responds to, might not let you adapt this new worldview. But if you realize something is good for you and you have to adopt it to move on you might pull it. Especially if you had the same shit for so many years, you might need a change. Counter-arguments even from your old self might hit you hard and make you hesitant concerning the new idea. It needs faith, the kind of faith you see in movies where someone is in a dillema concerning an actions, makes his move, later thinks that he made the wrong choice (is there really right or wrong anyway?) and at the end someone else reassures him that he did the right thing.

This is what I tell myself. To have faith. That I am doing the right thing. Though, there is still logic behind it. In the past I couldn't feel well with everything if the logic or ethics could not be explained perfectly. Hopefully I have passed this point where I had nothing to believe in, where I wasn't sure about myself. I have collected few mental concepts that are very suitable helpers to make me live a happier life as much as I can. They are interconnected sometimes. And I am incorporating more stuff.

This was supposed to be a long introduction to something else, something that I started writting but decided to not publish yet because I want for a chance to not hurry posting thoughts that are badly written and incomprehensible but take care of a good structured text that manages to explain the ideas I want to say properly. This is maybe the first time I do this and the matter it will speak about it has to do with one of the good ideas I have started to incorporate and is quite important to me to throw in a harsh written text (it already doesn't look so good). It would be a good exercise and interesting experience to try for the first time to reform a text like I was coding something and trying to improve before release. I don't know when it will be finished or if I will still release the bad version because I can't do this properly.

Anyway, the idea I want to formulate properly has to do with The Noise I mentioned earlier. Thinking about it in the way I do changes my perspective and might make me a happier person if I stay into this. I am really anxious to write about this but for the first time I have to rewrite it carefully and take my time. Maybe one day I will try to take some of my scattered random thoughts of things I believe are important and reformulate them in a much shorter and clear version in my website (that is still under destruction anyways :P).

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

The things that you love

There are two mottos I want to speak about today, one somehow working upon me as I learn to live with it, the second being quite popular yet it seems invalid in my case.

The way I am trying to live today reminds me of quotes like "Do what you love" and "Be yourself". In a nutshell, it reflects my faith of sticking to what I love and be sure that everything is going to be alright. It reminds me a bit of that famous quote from the alchemist, when you want something so much the universe conspires to create that reality. It's a kind of blind faith. Some think it's dangerous.

What is the fear? That by chasing your special dreams you forget the common life. What if your dreams fail to be realized, you turn up fourty without having done much in your regular life? Should you risk aiming for the higher ground instead of focusing on a regular life?

This fear breeds another sequence of ideas that made into mottos. Your life is small. Your life is precious. Live every moment. The big question is: What would you do if you knew that today is the last day of your life.

I really don't understand this motto. Or maybe I just despise it. Or I think it's invalid, it's unhelpfull, it's not motivating. For me.

Seriously, what would one do? What we see in movies is people saying to their relatives that they love them or trying to do everything all at once because they will never get a second chance. So, is this a nice way to spend the last day of your life? Would you enjoy activities if you did them with such anxiety?

As for my case, I really don't know what I would do if I knew this was my last day. Definitelly I wouldn't hurry to do everything I never did before in one day. I would either function just like the rest of the days or not (As I can't imagine the psychological state). Furthermore, I can't understand the fear of humans concerning the idea of only having one chance to live. Your life is every moment. As long as you are conscious you are already living it. When you are dead it won't matter too, since you won't be there as a consciousness to be sorrowful about that. And if your consciousness continues in the afterlife, you got your second chance. Either way you win! I totally can't relate to the fear of being at some age and looking back at the time you've lost. I don't even beleive there is lost time, since every experience counts. It's only lost when other people force you away from the things that you love to do because they think they only know what's best for your life. Ahhh,. the irony!

Going back to the first quote that I am more connected with, it's focusing on the things that you love without being disturbed by such thoughts whether what you are doing is the right thing or you are spending your precious time on something that you might regret in the far future. It's still a faith but it seems to make my everyday a little more happy and even more as I learn to live with this in mind.

As for the second quote of living your every day as if it was your last day of your life, while it seems thoughtful or attractive from an aspect of trying to live every moment with full energy, it doesn't appeal to me. Not only it's not motivating me but creates a lot of negativity in my case. It seems that it's trying to motivate me by fear, shadows a real view of the things that I actually love and thus I cannot see the reality clearly. And the reality is that if I was spending time worrying whether everything I do is lost time, being scared and fear being my motive for doing things, then this would be the case where I would drive my life in a wrong way. Wait, it actually happened already. I spend years discussing whether what I do is right or wrong, trying to find excuses towards those voices that criticise my way of life, remnants of the social common sense. It's not the time that was spent, it's just the years of bad mood and stupid obsession on trying to find an answer to all these allegations instead of focusing on what comes natural to me.

There was a moment I lost my faith. I had spent years on my own things while trying to find excuses to what I do, hoping that maybe there is worth to it at the end. Things went wrong as I came close to thirty and my obsessive focus became rotten. It was a tipping moment in my life. First there were some texts about the philosophy of meditation that relaxed my mind and made me understand that I put too much value to everything, resulting in too much hurt. A bigger inspiration was Ayn Rand. I didn't know anything about her or her philosophy before, so I've watched an Ayn Rand documentary and later the film The Fountainhead, based on her book. Among other things, the idea of an individual insisting on his own style regardless the risks was a common theme. Evolved was the idea that even with failure it was worth it, it was worth to do something unique rather than stick to the safe status quo. Maybe the idea of a conspiring universe is there too, that given the time at the end you always win.

It's not necessary that the last one is true. It doesn't seem to be a universal law to me. At least not proven. Many people might have followed their dreams but died in vain. We just haven't heard about them because they never became famous for their works. What might work is that if you keep focusing on the things that you love while learning to avoid the noise (fears whether you are on the right path or not), things might flow more naturally. And what if it's still not enough? What if several years might pass without any success, falling into oblivion and the rest of your life being rotten. This is the point where my faith says that it shouldn't matter. Because you have lived a life where every moment possible was filled with authenticity driven by the true spirit inside you. The moment is now!

At the end, I stopped making sense of the noise. You are born, you are raised, a unique personality with it's own needs and passions. You just came down to earth knowing nothing. As you evolve, you grab onto new things, you learn new ideas, being inspired by new people and you decide what you'd like to do in life. People with a different set of these elements come and argue about your way of life for various reasons. This might become a fuzz in your mind. The noise might shadow what is real for you. You might have to find by discovering more about yourself. In order to escape you have to know yourself but also need a little bit of faith to overcome fear.

Simplicity is the key. Just think, what is natural? If someone is oppressing you with the idea that you might lead the wrong life then why do you still do it? Because it's natural to you! If I need fear and oppression to be forced onto something, then maybe this something is not my thing? Why do we spend so much time arguing on what are the natural aspects of things? Sometimes I wonder whether we should all just shut up and do what we love to do, or at least try to discover it.

The thing that I called today "noise", the social noise being a more complete title, is totally unnecessary and wasteful. If time could ever be wasted, then the true waste would be people arguing about your life and yourself trying to defend it rather than what you chose to do with your life.

p.s. An old friend told me once to Have a time. It's referring to the saying Have a good time but without the good. The meaning is that of trying to live a good life without worrying about living a good life. I'd say you don't have to try. Focus on your true self (or finding it) and avoid the noise.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Normality is way past ahead

Things in my mind are slowly changing to a point that makes me feeling more free and happier as a person. Still, a lot of things have to be fixed and progress in my regular life, but it's the spirit that I am trying to heal gradually and this is what I discovered to be more important than anything else. Practically I might look like a total loser, without a job, without a girlfriend and not even being someone special in the geek hobby that served as an alternative route in this mess. But even if I somehow changed some of this, people would never care about how I feel inside, they wouldn't question what worked this time and I succeeded, they would rather compare my performance to what is considered to be the common norm and that would be enough for them. The rule says that if you are succesfull as it is defined by society then you are on the right track. No matter how you got there or how you feel about it as an individual.

The question arose during several moments in my life whether it's possible to just accept what I am and be happy with it. It's not like that accepting your situation it would make you lazy and you won't evolve. Afterall if you are still here, something is not moving the wheels already. There are some good reasons why I didn't evolve like the rest of the world in some aspects. The thing is, being at this position and then worrying about it won't fix anything. I have been through this for most part of my life, being anxious about the concept of normality and myself not fitting and trying to defend my case against this notion. My decision to ignore the whole notion of normality and just try to accept and further understand who I am is a well thought mental stance that I recently took and goes along with my well being, creating a more positive ground for evolving in a true natural way. Not just clinging to normality but even trying to defend against it only made it worse. Ignoring it and just moving along is the most healthy option for me.

That's how I felt when I decided to search about these matters again. I found some good texts discussing how absurd normality is but I felt indifferent to justifications. I suddenly felt that I was one step ahead towards feeling mentally free. In the past I used to write a lot about normality and how I despise this notion, but even this activity triggered negative thoughts because I was so emotionally involved in this. Defending yourself against this is like you accept in a sense that normality is a concept, unconsciously registering the idea of normality in your brain, preserving your old thoughts about it.

I am not sure I make sense here. Someone had a similar perception about fighting for "X" group. It would make someone emotionally involved with the idea that there is some inequality between the "X" group and the rest of the ("normal", you get it?) world. This struggle to defend against the inequality concept enforces this concept deeper in your subconscious, simply put taking it seriously and thus creating the opposite effect. I realized that it would work best if you laugh at these ideas like they don't exist or even better wipe out the notion of "normal" from your brain. Well, you almost can't. But you can pretend to. To defend normal, would be like accepting it's existence, trying to somehow fit in yourself in this scheme instead. Not the most awesome thing you could do facing this absurd idea.

So, it's like waking up one day and saying: Ok, I know now that "normal" is just a stupid idea that's not worth it (some good reasons for that are in this article), the more I argue about it the more I preserve the negative feeling in my brain, so what's next? Should I "fight" it? The more I "fight" it, the more obsessed I am becoming about it, so it still consumes me emotionally. My move should be something in a higher ground than this. Either laugh at it or ridicule it (which is still a form of "fighting" (aka being involved), at least it's a lighter form) or better ignore it. So, is ignoring it the best alternative? Close to that.

The truth is that it's still a subject that interests me, and it truly touches me and I cannot ignore when I see people worrying about not being "normal" as I used to, even if I have escaped from it. Can one just "fight" it and would that consist of bitching against people using this notion? They are free to keep their own view and if this is the opinion of the majority then let it be. Maybe there are good biological or psychological reasons for most people wanting to belong and feel that they fit in, in the same way these factors forced me to follow a different route in my life compared to the norm.

I think that the best way to both avoid being affected from normality and still feel like giving a "fight" for humanity against this notion is to be true to yourself. That sounds very common. Everybody speaks about "being yourself" but the world is discussing limiting concepts about what should be normal or not again. That's because the ideas of normality were culturally interbreed in your brain. That's because you don't dismiss the idea once and for all but you are only trying to "fit in" (squeeze) yourself in a normality-based reality. So, even by excusing yourself for some of your mannerisms, it's like you don't dismiss the idea of normality entirely, but try to beg for some acceptance of you differences in this scheme.

I might be still not making sense in the last paragraph. I'd only like to say that it was quite hard. It took me several years of mental ruminations, frustration, anger, constant resolutions about my life, reflections on my emotions, changing of perspective till I reached a point that I saw a clear road ahead toward happiness. One idea that helped came from readings about Zen philosophy, helping me realize that I was worring a lot about stupid ideas where ideas are pure air if you give it a bit of thought. Especially normality. Worrying about such an absurd idea was totally destroying me emotionally. This rotten idea is totally out of the question for a happier existence.

Even if you manage to understand this new viewpoint, it's still hard to set yourself free. There might be possibly parts of your life that doesn't let you feel well and be hostile to this more healthy view. For example, it would be easier to say "So, I have this strange habit to talk alone in my room. Who cares if it's normal or not, that's just me and I am happy with it." but much harder to claim "I am scared to admit that I don't have and never had a girlfriend and I am 31". The last one is the culprit actually, the last attack of normality oppresion, so much that I once thought I should hurry up to get a girlfriend once so that I won't feel like a total loser anymore, even if she would later dumb me and I wouldn't care anymore. Isn't that totally fucked up? Maybe many other people harshed to make relationships in order to escape the feeling of abnormality?

Even if I later was erasing normality from my brain, there was still this tip of the iceberg, still not having a girlfriend at such an age (and I could write my thoughts about this in a future post because I am not afraid to admit it anymore and I have some interesting thoughts I would like to share). It's like I had to get over with this to feel totally unaffected by normality and snob it. But I said no! Even in my current position I have very good reasons to feel fine with myself. Why does everything have to be categorized as good or bad, normal or not, right or wrong and be put this label that all it does is spur emotional turbulance to the person targeted at? I am escaping from this. I just need to act like I don't know these notions, these labels but only myself. This is what means to be yourself:

You need faith. You need to understand yourself further. And then you just need to be honest and discuss. No labels. No, I am this because some excuse. Just express your individuality as it is. Honesty is acceptance.

If more people would do this then we would acquire the idea of a more "abnormal" world. The delusion would slowly break apart. This might already be happening. Making a ridicule of this in a honest way is going to be funny. You don't need to do this intentionally but it will come naturally. Just be yourself and baffle the people around you with your individuality. Enjoy your freedom of acting like an individual and the amazement it produces to people still bearing the monolithic notion of normality. Act like the words "normal" or "abnormal" are not there, not even laughable but non existent. "Normal? Is this an obscure musicgroup? Do you mean a vector tangent to a surface? What do you mean?" Speak with the truthfullness of yourself. I start:

This is me. I am a sensitive person. I used to cry. This emotional world of mine affects me quite badly in my everyday life. I don't feel well at social situations no matter how much times I have tried in the past. Things that are common for many people scare me to hell yet I try to overcome my fears. I felt shy about everything and sometimes I still do. I am getting anxious about eye contact. I sometimes don't remember faces. I can't give easilly directions. I used to be anxious about these facts. I daydream. I overanalyze things. I find more interest in ideas. I can't handle casual talk. I am obsessing about things. I don't have the same interests or life dreams as most people. People criticised me that if I don't change then I will be lonely yet I still have few very close and interesting friends. I truly don't need to fit in. These are in a nutshell some basic things describing me. Without labels. Now that I know more about myself, I could explain you further why I am like this or why I still don't have a girlfriend at this age (which seems to be the biggest taboo for normality) but the fact remains that I feel well with myself as long as I don't have to worry about the idea of not being someone else. This is me.

I feel free again. I have just abolished my fears..

Wednesday, April 06, 2011

Fueling that anger

This is a small post, written under the influence of an angry state. It's not radical, it's not filled with sorrow, it's not extreme. I wouldn't mind if it was though. If you stay faithful to the intention then the critic doesn't matter.

Naturally I am submissive. This means that I don't react to the outside world while challenged. I keep things inside me. My reaction is neither right or wrong, it is only what I am.

Most people don't seem to be like me. Many people are more arrogant than I could ever be. Remember, I am the person who was sucked into some sorrow about being bad, incompetent, mediocre or anything. If someone would criticize me about something I would try to defend myself or not, it doesn't matter, what matters is that inside me I would have doubt. I would leave these people harm me in this way, cast this feeling of negativity onto me and I would take the bait. Because I am submissive.

I see people who do the worse things and boast that they are great people, I wonder whether people really see the harm they do, everyone pretends to be a better person and it's only me and few individuals who gets sucked into the negative state, where everyone else tells you you are great and you don't believe it.

Since I realized that most people are lying to their own consciousness (and that's a big thing to say but there, I said it!) I have been nurturing inside me what I was missing. The will to lie a bit, ask for what I want, say things as they are, be a little more arrogant, that means to remind to yourself that you are greater than the rest or just great. Be arrogant, if you want to feel great, say that you are great, fuck the rest of the world and what they think about you. You deserve it!

People will say this is arrogant, egoistic but people do it in a sense. The thing is, I didn't even do it while nobody would hear me!!! I am not talking about meeting some people and boasting, I am talking about even telling to myself when nobody is near that I am not worthless. I am talking about simple things! This is not even close to arrogance compared to what people do outside. With my Pure-OCD I was worried about the thoughts I was doing, can you imagine that? Some random guy is harming the weak publicly and he still feels he is a great guy and that it's justified. I avoided interacting with people in a bad way outside yet I was feeling bad inside me because I made some thoughts I didn't wanted which wouldn't harm anyone by just thinking them. Quite submissive, quite layed back, quite "feeling worthless in any opportunity", taking things so easilly that someone could easily abuse you and make you think you are the bad guy.

I see this submissive characteristic quite frequently when I read discussions in pure-OCD boards. So I know that there is this category of people that struggle with this and I know that I am not alone. I now know, judging from my experiences and my shift in attitude, that a good way to get over this is to accept being arrogant. I know that it's a right way to go, especially for people like me. We deserve it!

I always try to remember some reasons why I deserve this. First of all, most people are not as sensitive as we are. Yet, this extreme sensitivity is not to our advantage. The less sensitive wins and that might be even true in an evolutionary sense. You can't get the job or the girl if you are (as they say) too sissy. Even if you are more worthy than you may think of yourself, it's not convincing at all not showing this. Most people are more convincing than what they really are. Arrogance wins!

Another reason is that everybody lies anyway and what is the truth? Through my endless monologues and realization of what reality is, I can see the truth too. That there is not truth. Words and ideas are our creation, they carry emotions that we have put into them, emotions of words and meanings might change a bit depending on the person carrying them, his environment and his experience. The emotions they carry are connected to your personality which is a conclusion of your environment, your life experiences, your upbringing, your education. You only get negative or possitive feelings about things because they taught you to feel so. It might sound radical but there is no good or bad. It's an illusion that people twist to their advantage. It's an illusion that harms sensitive people like me. You don't need to feel negative about being a "bad" person and you don't need to struggle being a "good" person. The only thing that works is trying to discover who you really are and follow your own path.

I think that a common characteristic of a submissive person is how he uses his anger. Most of the days you might feel average or less, but when one day it hits you for some reason, you get suddenly very angry with your past and your life and then how does it go from there? Do you succumb into sorrow? Do you complain and then feel worthless? Do you let the situations make you feel worse? Do you feed on negativity? Those could be the signs.

The way to go is using your anger as fuel, change perspective. Learn who you are and why you deserve something better! Say that no matter what happens you are a good person. Remember the people who tell you that you are great. Don't doubt anymore, say it. Allow yourself to be arrogant. Even if you shout "all people are assholes, I am the fucking best", remember that you are still less arrogant than most people. Words are just ideas, especially telling to yourself that people are assholes doesn't harm anyone. You can start by this. Illegal telepathy is inexistant. Nobody can hear your thoughts and so you can at least believe in yourself even after inner doubt or outside critics. You can believe because all these are just ideas which are thin air and people even do it publicly. People lie outside but you can't even do it inside.

I know that all these sound like new age crap. And I know that whatever I write here cannot be used. Because it's not enough to say these to you. Some people where telling me to believe in myself but I didn't got it. But it's more than pure instructions. It has to be fed in you after you being fed up with reality, being fed up with always feeling worthless while some assholes are roaming this world, beeing sorrowful seeing the very very good people on this planet worsening up because being too sensitive is not working in your advantage, I hate seeing the weakest weakening more. All these in addition to the realization, the understanding of myself and the reality (seeking the truth is the most important thing to me and the most faithful one forever) and my hope for a radical change all came together that moment and taught me besides other stuff to fuel my anger, to kick a little bit of arrogance, to ask for what I deserve.

It takes time. And realization. Someone said that some truths cannot be told because one has to live the experience to understand. Don't worry if you don't get it. You will. In time.

p.s. Even when it fails (say that you fueled your anger too much in the outside and things went worse) you have to stay firm. Your arrogance says that "you don't deserve this!". So, stay firm! Accept the mistakes and continue. Don't let sorrow and don't let negativity inside. Even if things are not seemingly good for a long time. At the end, everything is an idea, thin air, nonsense. You will have your good times when you forget all these and laugh. Just keep firm and with the intention to get what you deserve! Will your OCD tell you that you are a "bad" guy now? Tell it that this is what you intended to be. Tease it. Nobody cares anyways. It's only you who do..

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

The power of intention

My life is changing in a positive and unexpected way. Which would seem a strange proposition for some people. Nothing really indicates an improvement in my life that would explain this mood. In contrary, someone would say that my life has gone from better to worse during this period. The most serious drawback that happened is that I traveled to UK to take part in a master's degree that is even related to what I can do best and I failed badly in the exams. Not only that but I am back living in my parents home till I finish my studies the second year and get a job. This totally shuttered me especially the first days I have returned back to Greece. Everyone would say I totally fucked up and some friends were a bit more harsh than usual towards me. How can it be that I radiate positive energy?

This is the best part. This is what makes me happy. It is the fact that even in the worse conditions I can still be myself and that it's possible to manage keeping a balanced spirit. Happiness is not just about what happens to you in the external world. Everybody look at this and tells me in a sense that I should be unhappy. And I was listening to them. I was doing this because I had this thing in me. Maybe it was always there, maybe it was because of negativity in my close environment. It surely manifested in my past writtings in this blog or pouet. Sadness, drama, tears.

If I say that I have changed then one is left to wonder, when, how and why did this personal transformation happened? I am still investigating this sometimes because I can't tell for sure. One could give a not so well thought fast answer to this but I am still a man of doubt and so I keep an open eye for different interpretations. Let's start with the question of when then.

With my current model of thought, I believe that the evolution of personality is connected with everything since the beginning of our lives and so what brought me here is a sequence of all the events and influences and emotions I have received through my life. So, my current transformation can't be isolated in a single event that changed my life view. But if we were to pinpoint a specific period where sparks of enlightment started appearing in my daily life and made me (and willing to) think things different then this period would be surely somewhere in the second semester of my master.

It was the time when I was very depressed about things happening in my life, like the fact that I couldn't for another time fight procrastination and even kept being stressed and still failing at some courseworks. I have also seen myself being jealous of other people who worked harder and were more succesful with this even if they had less idea about the subject. This was one thing that struck me too, I was failing and I was going to be misjudged if I let my feelings open about this specific matter. I think I almost did it. It even got worse when I learned the final results of the exams. I questioned myself about things, like the fact that I am making a new life finally not living with my parents, in a nice city studying my own subject and I still can't get a grip! I challenged myself. There are things that you are afraid to ask yourself because they seem hostile to your personality. I managed bravely to ask some of these things. I was so shuttered being on my own and still not being able to relax and enjoy life that I had nothing left to loose. Suddenly the idea of letting loose invaded my life.

I'd have to say that during the same period of sorrow I came across a short book explaining the philosophies behind meditation. This was a pdf someone suggested me on pouet back then. It was just a coincidence that I decided to have a look at it on the same period. Diving into these philosophies was a good parallel to my stressful and dissapointing life path at the time. There was already this uprising inside me, realizing how pathetic I have become, begging for a change. I am not saying here though that meditation is THE truth and I neither took this as an absolute back then. What happened is that most of the ideas of meditation were in a parallel with some of my older thoughts and found me in a state of mind that would open up in the new posibilities of feeling better regardless my condition.

In a nutshell, there was a transformation inside me, based upon older not so well or confidentaly formed ideas, my so far formed personality and personal experiences of course, adding to all these my frustration at this pivotal point of my life and the positive inspiration from reading texts about meditation. That is the period when it all mixed together. And I really felt it's influence during the following days. I felt so free and so happy when I dwelved in these philosophies that I couldn't believe it. I was used in always observing the same mood in myself, knowing the hard truth that emotional change can be hard (that's why I like the effects of alcohol) and so I noticed the unusual changes. I even observed too noticable changes in my pure-OCD struggle. I am not sure how this happened, I only described the events that took place and as I said it's not a single truth you can pinpoint but a combination of personality, experiences, ideas and actually the intention. I actually think now that the intention is a very important part.

I had the intention, the will, the initiative as I recently like to say, to make a drastic change in how I feel. All myself was saying inside is "Never again". There HAS to be change, some kind of emotional evolution, something that will put me in a better state regardless of how things are. I deserve it! This is another thing I said: "I Deserve This". I deserver to be happy. And most people around me would disagree with me now. They would say, how can one be happy when being such failure? Without a job, without a girlfriend, being an outcast in even his one demise in some geeky hobby that also failed? Feeling unloved, a low-life, useless, unreliable, worthless? HOW???

What was written above are some of my fears. I realized it. And I realized that these things are ideas. Nobody is worthless or useless or unloved. People around me tend to criticize the negative things and this is something that I can easilly be driven into. I realized that all I have to do is keeping the initiative to feel good regardless what is happening around me.

I know that it all sounds like some classic predictable new age crap I sometimes despise. And it sounds like something simple you hear on tv for example. In my opinion, some ideas resembling those I read from meditation and eastern philosophy are making their appearence everywhere in the media. Somehow though, I believe there is more into it and we haven't grasped their full essence. My main question is how can it be that somehow these ideas seem to be flooding the media, being somehow familiar to everyone when discussed, even if they hadn't been into these stuff before. And yet, several people being in a similar state as me, driven by anxiety, lacking understanding, being obsessed with ideas, not being able to let the ego away. I think it is because there has to be a transformation through personal experience and evolution and not sheer acquisition of some miraculous "truth". Just like in my case. I think I am in the right path now.

I wrote so many things here that I had to go back to the first paragraph and see where it all started. My current situation. It's drastically better than the first time I came back to Greece. I have to admit, before coming back I told to myself that maybe I was happier because I was alone and that the negative influence of my parents would destroy the feeling. Maybe there wasn't any change and this sprouted fear in myself that maybe everything was vain, maybe the transformation I am talking here about would proove to be a simple delusion. I was afraid that this would shattered my only hope for a change that would matter. I knew however that this thought was a trap. Maybe something that I read in the meditation text kept me cautious. It warned of the common mistake to meditate and have expectations about it so that you get dissapointed and you miss the effect of meditation itself because of it. This reminds me a common pitfall in OCD too. You try to avoid awful thoughts and thus you get more anxious about avoiding these thoughts that you think more of these thoughts. It's interesting what parallels I can see in these two worlds.

All I had to do is to not worry even if this all prooved to be a delusion. If I worried then I would make things worse and fullfill a false prophecy. It's a bit twisted because it's hard for me to believe but I had to take this into account because 95% I would be feeling worse when going back to Greece. I would discover that these things don't work and my last hope for feeling different is in vain. However, I shouldn't focus on the idea that I don't feel better, as I said a trap. I should keep some emotional balance as best as I could and not be in sorrow if I fail even into that.

The first days and months where horrible. Having failed in the exams, going back to live with my parents and hear them about all these and what went wrong and all that stuff, having nowhere to go where I can feel well, with the sense of guilt for failing. It wasn't good. But I kept the initiative, I believed in my will for feeling different, my right to never feel worthless again. I think this initiative also needed a bit of arrogance or this is what it is. I always was a submissive person, taking things and not demanding from others. This can be good but has mostly negative effects into you because people demand and criticize you and they make you think this is justified. They make you fill worthless and because you feel worthless you don't dare to think they might be absolutely wrong. I put "absolutely" which I wouldn't in the past (With more "arrogance" I could also replace "might be" with "are" :P) because I have to believe in something, I have to cut the doubt at some places and ASK for what I want. This is not submissive, this is what I demand from my reality now. This is the power of intention

One would say that other things might have changed that make me feel more confident and strong. My own decisions on some things, like finding a good reason to not stay at home most of the day while still being productive in the city, for example I am studying outside in a university library every day ready to kick ass in the exams next year for my almost failed master. Or the fact that I started working out in a stationary bicycle every day (while watching if you mind :)) and this has also improved my energy and maybe my mood too. But all things take part together in the evolution of the self, both the conscious thought, the environmental influences, the life philosophy orientation and the right actions. I'd say it again though, it's one thing that keeps all things in place, because things might not work well everyday and one could be shattered. It's the power of intention, my will to feel well. Never again!

In another chapter I'd like to write how my personal transformation helped me also to view my demoscene hobby in a different and more healthy manner. It really taught me taking it lightly and focusing on the things that I love doing rather than worrying about other minor things that kill the good feeling of it. It saved myself from the disaster of hating the things that I once loved to do and becoming some old guy who doesn't understand what a creative hobby is anymore. In fact, this was easier than the challenges I am still having with real life. It's a damn hobby afterall, not a real life job or a failed master :)

I won't say that things have ended. Things never end. There is not a single oracle of happiness. Everyday is a fight. We are in constant evolution. Tomorrow I could be in sorrow because of some stupid random event and so I have to be there and stay strong. As long as I keep the power of intention strong nothing can scare me. I believe.

p.s. There are so much that I want to tell about how different I feel and what I think about all these that there will be more article into this.

Monday, January 24, 2011

It helps a lot..

If you feel ackward about something in yourself, if you are playing with the question whether you are "normal" or not, if you have this self doubt it helps a lot to search for your case in a search engine and see what comes. You will discover that there are more people with your problem and most of them believe there is no reason to worry. You will also read some good reasons why worrying about these stuff is senseless and it's nonsense to say this thing is not "normal". You might read some funny stories too and take it more lightly. There are even some good community sites where you share your curiosities, like Experience Project.

I am not talking about more "serious" stuff like mental disorders but also things that bother someone while they shouldn't be so important. Like searching for "I talk too much with myself, is it normal?". Or the classic "I am xx years old and I don't have a girl/boyfriend". You see all the people worrying, you see the absurdity, but also you see that you are not alone, you see other people taking it lightly, discussing the absurdity, clearing your fears, joking about it, abolishing your old misconceptions. And you see that many people are hiding it. You imagine that the people who one calls "abnormal" are not a minority but could be anyone of us. It could be 20 or 40 percent or all of them. And you see there is a stupid threshold here, so if I do this I am not normal but if I do a bit less of it I am normal? Who defines this thing? Some kind of popular opinion maybe. Why people worry around the net and how much more are those who might worry for the same issues but never got the chance or the strength to write about it?

I have found the answer to all of these questions and my struggle with normality a year or more ago and I keep focused on this new logic. I don't need to defend myself against these ideas of normality. Trying to defend is like trying to find excuses for being different. But this is like accepting that there is something in "being different" that I have to explain. It's like putting myself in a minority while a lot of people who look and play "normal" are the same thing, people with their own needs and properties. I don't need to defend myself, I just need to stay firm to the idea that I am who I am and that's totally acceptable. I just have to see all these not like a serious case but as a hilarious joke. Because it is!

I do it frequently now. Everything that bothers in myself, I make some spontaneous search in the browser, even out of curiosity and I read funny stuff. Every person is unique and so one discusses the "problem" from his/her own view. There is no more ethics of the absolute good/bad. There is a different way of understanding human problems where each individual's point of view matters. This is not only done to make me stop worrying but it's also a life philosophy. The more I dive into this philosophy, the less I can relate to people who are so fucking absolute about their side like everything else is undeniably wrong, yet I love to imagine that I can accept these people too with their annoying but unique elements. Trying to understand the world and be open with every possibility of a human being is a challenge afterall.

p.s. I was looking at the query about talking to myself because I do this a lot even when people can stare at me. There was a funny suggestion from someone. Why don't we make a party with people who talk to themselves? Can you imagine how that will be?! Hahaha!!!

p.p.s. Little fact I forgot to write. Some people have gone to the funny side. Which is to break social norms intentionally. It's also a coursework in some sociology studies which says to go out and break a social norm of your (dis)like and then notice how people react. Learn this, dear people who struggled like me in the past. You could have a laugh instead :P

p.p.p.s. The fight for individuality continues. The road has taken already. My life is different in the inner side. I finally enjoy being who I am :)
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