Friday, July 02, 2010

Dark feelings of the past

I forgot darkness.
I forgot when I took sadness and sorrow and transformed it into something else.
When I wondered why people like to paint their lives black and I could find the answer by looking into myself.

I realized that I forgot darkness.
And staring at it for a glimpse brought back memories.
I forgot self-pitty, self-victimization. The bittersweet feeling of taking your anyways awful days and transforming them into something heroic.

Maybe not. People hated us. We hated shinnyhappies. I am not an emo, a goth or any of those stereotypes. I am a simple human being who in it's worse moments constructs a more positive meaning (martyrdom, heroic, whatever) from all of negativity.

I realized I missed that feeling when I encountered it again. It's not only since I discovered the Zen that I have changed to the better but it must be maybe two years if not one and a half. So long since I last played the game of self-pitty. Of course Zen is the way now for me, I just found the opportunity to reflect back. Some old emails, some old history remembered, some of the old feeling to be absorbed by something I left behind, I even totally forgot I had left it. I just had some bad days and it left me so vulnerable and reminded my number one wish and fear, to not be insignificant, to be loved, to not feel like a failure.

I know that all these are just ideas, that one could feel content with himself, that you are chasing things all the time and never get rest, that you may be building stuff and then something will randomly break things apart, that life is dynamic. It's just the days and a lot of fear about real life in the near future and being exhausted by everything and angry at myself. It's just things that are happening, blows I have taken, things that will change tomorrow. They just happened in such a way that they brought that need for longing in the past affairs.

It felt stupid yet it felt unique, something in the past I was missing. One might look at other people and laugh at them but there is more than one world and we should pay attention to both. Even after finding Zen, I knew it wouldn't (and shouldn't) be the end, I knew there was still an interesting path in front of me, I knew I should try to travel back to my old habits and observe this time, live it, feel it, be it. The darkness and sorrow of the past. The big story I created about me.

It must be a long time since I last posted cryptic and sorrowful posts in this blog. I have moved some stuff in other blogs and all I post here is comics. Things have changed I guess. Now, take a blast from the past :P

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