Sunday, June 13, 2010

The tipping point of happiness and a true change.

Months ago I had the strange feeling that nothing really matters, that everything is just an idea to which I was fixated and responded very seriously. In terms of the future of this and some of my other blogs, I felt like there is no point to update them anymore. At least those blogs that were filled with obsessive thoughts and feelings of sorrow and the smell of revenge. Because I suddenly realized that it didn't matter to me and all I could do is just to continue living my own life whatever that is and only evolve in the stuff that seem natural to me. I thought I could see something, the vanity of things, the fact that I am a being with a personality that evolved because of my past and is motivated to fight with the ideas that annoyed me in the past and I felt they are wrong.

This was just the beginning of new realizations. They have taken a less nihilistic path recently and a more holistic approach (Apparently not one of my blogs will die because I can write now based on my changing view of the world). The most amazing thing is that I felt something so strong like a true enlightenment. Of course the first thing I thought is that this enlightenment could be just a temporary one like all my rest infatuations with grant new ideas that fade away or die instantly when hard reality hits my door. No, I'd say this is different and I had the most confidence ever that what I have learned shows truly the right path for my life.

It's not easy to describe what happened to me because it is based on the experience of things under a different view that can't be described with words. I am even unable to find why now and which factor led me to this point. Why couldn't I see it in the past? What worked differently that helped my mind to embrace this new view? Could this still be a temporary fixation from which I will return back? Am I afraid of returning back?

You might have heard a lot of times this phrase before: "I can't describe with words what happened to me because you have to experience it to understand.". This kind of expression might produce multitudes of negative/positive emotions and series of thoughts to anyone of you. Sometimes these words can be attributed to some person claiming that nobody can understand him/her and other times it's when people talk about religious or metaphysical experiences. For some people it could mean forcing them to not try to explain the experience, thus not investigating it, just believing it and this can just piss off people who are highly skeptical or too practical. Others might like this phrase for various reasons I haven't thought well yet. I'd like to explain a bit on this concerning my own experience and what else I learned concerning the inability expressing it with words. No metaphysics included.

The inability is actually a difficulty. I realized that words are just words. They are the same as ideas. A word can mean many different things for each individual. It can hold positive or negative emotions or both. The difficulty comes at expressing the ideas of the new paradigm and not be misunderstood. Which doesn't matter really because I received the great gift during my experience and it stays with me regardless whether I can communicate this or not. And the second important thing is the fact that if I actually start describing the new paradigm concerning my enlightenment it will feel so vague and common that you'd shrug or giggle or think I am just naive. Because the words, phrases or ideas associated with my new view are so common and naive sounding, coming either from things you hear every day or see in the movies but basically they are very much related to ideas very frequently discussed in zen meditation for example. Or, and this may make some of you shrug more, in several "new-age sounding ideas" (don't worry, I am also highly allergic to all those new-age crap :).

What I want to say here is that you were expecting some brand new idea, something that you have never heard before, to be my new paradigm. If something changed inside me in a true sense, shouldn't it be something more extraordinary and unique that naive ideas like "Be yourself", "abolish the bullshit inside your brain", "don't let the ego control you", "find what you really want", etc? Also, aren't these some ideas we were in one or another way discussing in the past? Aren't these things that they were telling you and you didn't listen? Aren't these things that everybody is familiar with and everybody nods his head positively when hearing these? So, what are the news here?

One fact is that while I was hearing these ideas I couldn't feel them the same way as I do now. One extra point for the fact that the enlightenment, the realization of one's self, the way of happiness cannot be just a formula that you tell to another person and he is instantly cured. Because the ideas were always there, you just have to realize it oneday. And it takes time.

Remember that words and ideas stir different emotions to each of us and that an experience can't be described with words without being misunderstood. All those years I know these words and ideas but had confusing ideas about them. At the tipping point of true understanding I somehow experienced all those older ideas and word compared to all my past experiences in life and some realizations in a brand new way. It's like all the confusing puzzle pieces inside my brain suddenly moved to their right positions and all things suddenly made sense. This is my experience. Words and ideas can mean anything depending on someone's individual experiences. The whole relationships between ideas and your life story, the whole puzzle from the past till today, when it all suddenly makes sense it is something that cannot be properly analyzed focusing on it's individual parts but only understood (experienced) as a whole.

In the next part I will try to give some brief clues concerning my new view. In the future, I'd like to discuss further some of these parts and I will frequently use the keyword 'zen' or 'zen-like' to describe new posts discussing this view or having to do something with it respectively. Changes in the mood and direction of ideas in other blogs will also happen inspired by my new life view.



Random clues about my new life view



Personality. What is personality? I am not a brain scientist to know what's going on in my brain but I'll speak based on my current gut about it. Take your life from the beginning, starting from your birth till this moment. Evaluate your experiences either good or bad, your influences, your language, the ideas you have encountered, the things that shocked or astonished you, your evolved thoughts and emotions about all these stuff, about the story of your life (which is still running). All these massive networks of neurons that evolved till this point and relate to thoughts, emotions, images, symbols, words, sounds, colors, people, experiences shape your likes and dislikes, things or people that you like or hate, beliefs and preconceptions about yourself and everything in this world and finally creates a complex image of yourself as a conscious entity with a personality and a place in this world. This vast network that evolved through the path of your life is your personality, is how you imagine yourself, what you like or dislike, it is what zen calls ego. It's everything that you have that makes you.

Scary or revealing thought to ponder about. The whole image of yourself is all this accumulation of experiences, influences and just about everything. Imagine now that I somehow change some small even tiny amount of experiences or influences in your past without destroying the whole. Yet, tiny changes in the very past could bring greater changes in the distant future. Imagine, very tiny little changes in the factors that sculpture yourself and you could now be a man with such a different personality THAT YOU WOULD HATE SOOOOOO MUCH YOUR ALTERNATIVE SELF IF YOU MET HIM RIGHT NOW!!!. Excuse me for the capitals but I wanted to magnify this particular part to make you ponder how fragile the idea of the ego is. Your whole personality is just this massive puzzle of life experiences and associated emotions and ideas. I love pondering on this particular idea a lot. It somehow let's me free.

Ego? New-age/zen crap? But why??? Where does it help? I admit I had a lot of influences recently by ideas originally taken from texts having to do with zen and meditation. However, this influence wasn't the sole reason that lead to the change (I write this because some people could think that I was brainwashed and that this is a dangerous path, but I assure you I am still having my senses... evolved :). Several of these ideas were things I had heard from various sources and actually things I was always feeling would be good to follow in my life, it's like things I already knew where the good examples to follow, it just happened that they initially were described in zen philosophy (New-age is just influenced by them and other things). Anyway, one of the influences that brought me here was this article about the ego and also the much smaller one here.

In a sense, is it all about stop taking yourself seriously? Well, something like that, yes. Another set of ideas that everybody might be telling me yet it makes me wonder why I understood it now? (understood as in feeling/experience not ideas/words) But the fact is that people always confused me. Everyone told me that I should be myself, yet everyone came and criticized me about being kinda different in some aspects. You see people speaking about freedom, individuality and all those nice ideas, the zen ideas I described (and quite more I haven't spoken about yet) are everywhere, in movies, in books, in every day conversation and everybody seems to be happy about them and accepting them, yet each one of us comes later and put a barrier, put a restricting thought, maybe because being afraid that too much freedom without consideration can lead to negative results? I don't know. Those ideas are not just spoken, they are not just broadcasted, they are already there. It's like we already have them inside us, it's like universal truths. Somehow you know that if you discuss about them then instantly everyone will like them and truly agree with them. But people's actions will contradict badly. That's why I kept being confusing and had problems truly experiencing the realization of zen ideas. Until now that I realized that people are the best actors. (As a bit of a not so relevant example, how is it that everyone knows and agrees without second consideration that war is bad, yet it still takes a major role in the world? Do we always vote for exactly those leaders who don't nod happily with the free and nice ideas? Or are we contradicting with ourselves at a greater and more abstract scale???)

A simple reflection into the past: I pondered about my life story. All the experiences, good or bad, words and emotions associated with them, that shape my personality. About this blog. All my life I walk alone and talk furiously about those ideas on normality, weird people, individuality, close mindness and all my social fears. I am those ideas. I am those past experiences that shaped my personality, one that likes weird and different people and dislike ideas that sound like someone trying to tell us how to get a life, ideas that define what is normal and what is not and all that stuff. The sole reason I was keeping writing these furious texts and arguing with people (or with myself, trying to defend my beliefs against my doubts) is that all those past life experiences of people bullying me for being different, parents and friends blaming me for not having a life, accumulated into my current ego that likes and dislike things and is furiously filled with anger and a wish for revenge. Change some factors of the past (fragile ego) and I wouldn't be even here writing these stuff. I can think of these things as unimportant and this can be a relief

Explaining more cases and the objects of happiness substitution: The demoscene. Take the ideas in the previous paragraph. Bad childhood, low self-esteem, social anxiety, huge gaps left behind. Maybe it's the feeling that I was a loser in real life. I simply tried to cover this gap by seeking for some success in the demoscene. The demoscene just passed from my path. Another hobby with a community of weird people could come along but what it would do is to again substitute this gap of feeling a loser. It could also be a girl. It doesn't matter of the object though. This is what I have learned now and the realization makes me happy. Some people say that I could save myself by finding a girlfriend. But I believe it's just another case of filling the part that is faulty inside with another substitute. Other objects could be a career, your job, your family, your kids, even trying to be cool, at least when these things work as a substitute for feeling incomplete or having low self-esteem or anything bothering you. Why can't you just be happy by the way you already are? Why can't you just enjoy life and be content with what you have? When is the last time you were really peaceful?

Wouldn't that zen-like indifference be the ultimate defense, the ultimate excuse of not evolving in your life? This is an important part. Keeping a more positive, indifferent, open mind thought about my current condition, about being just a weirdo, a geek, without a girlfriend, with a lot of failures, thinking that all these are just my life story and I should accept things as they are, feeling that things are unimportant and that even the simple things matter, getting deep into that mindset really helped me find some peace for a while and gave a more positive view of my life and my future.

What happened in the past is that I was bombarded by general ideas and beliefs about life, also specifically targeted blaming towards me and then all those things evolving in inner voices that tell me that something is wrong with myself, trying to defend myself, remembering other ideas that say defending is like excusing, being full of negativity with all these internal and external thoughts and sometimes contradicting beliefs I accumulated from my interaction with the world, I got more close to myself, revengeful, angry, sometimes being anti-life (where life is what people consider "having a life", the common lifestyle) or liking weird people and fighting, it's like you get in the war that was created by you and them and never get peace. And you don't change this way, you get deeper into negativity, you move away from real world, you get defensive and in reality you are more influenced and feed your fury by these ideas. You never escape.

In few words, the new mindset that all these ideas, all these thoughts are thin air, the fight, the arguments, they are silly, everything is a lie, things should be taken seriously no matter what is my life path from now on, is a liberating view, one that gives you peace and drives your mind away from the spiral of negativity that both this world and yourself keep preserving. People are afraid as it seems that if they don't remind me that I should get a life then it's not gonna be good, but this is wrong because it is my life and I think every day about it.

I don't believe that zen-like ideas will make anyone so ignorant that he will leave his own life into oblivion. Because the brain is still strong and people have already personalities, they only need to take it easily for a while and live at peace. Taking things so seriously only makes things worse. At least for me. (are you robots?)



This text got soooo big that I don't like it (for another time). I could scrap it but I don't want to. But it doesn't matter. Maybe one day I will also learn to write proper articles. The fact is that there is a true change inside me and I just can't describe it. I feel so free and so happy inside me and this happened since a month ago and still persist at some days when focusing my thoughts into these things. It's not temporary and it lights my path from now on. Oh,. I never thought I would become a shinny-happy person. Usually I am allergic to new-age sounding stuff and shinnyhappiness in general :P

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