Important changes are happening. I sometimes feel different about things. I am also close to an important point in my life. The external changes are those which are going to happen if I finish with my studies and get a job somewhere in UK (are anywhere outside Greece). But the most important changes I am talking about are inside me.
I have self-esteem. I can produce it. Regardless if it's true or not. I feel more free about everything, I can be sure that I can live my life no matter what this will look like and feel confident about it. I have resolved personal matters and feel stronger about them.
I don't know what is happening. I don't know the reasons for this but there must be many. I came here to study, living alone, enjoying a more free life. At the same time I am more determined about this and more confident about myself. My psychological condition is better to enjoy it this time (remember, I have done it before with Erasmus but I was much younger and in a worse condition). Maybe I relaxed a bit from other things that bothered me, even if at the same time I was too much stressed with my studies. Maybe I was just working it out for years, resolving those matter concerning who I want to be and what people want me to be and all that stuff, and I came to be stronger.
The thing is, this change for example renders senseless some of my blogs. When I feel well with myself and I don't even need to prove it to others, there is no need to write such kind of texts like the ones at The struggle of normality or maybe even Computer Hermit. Even though when I read some of the old posts then I like them. But I feel weird about them. Sometimes I am even thinking I was writing too much about myself and maybe I shouldn't (and usually I was reactive to this idea of hiding one self and pretending to be another thing). So, I guess they will survive, I can't kill them. I only want to say that I have changed so much these days that I sometimes feel I don't need to write in these blogs.
Of course I don't say that I won't return back to my original state after few days or weeks. My latest post in one of these blogs was quite sadden and I was feeling vengeful for those people who fucked up my life as exactly I wrote. I get memories back and I wish I was living again those childhood days with my current state of mind so that I kick their ass. I was in the good mood I describe here days before that post. So, it's not like I won't find any chance to be in that sadden mood that allows me to write those texts. But something is happening and I want to keep the positive side of this mood more dominant.
The personality is what you get when you add all your past experiences, beliefs, things you hate, things you love and the complete idea you have about yourself. At my current age most of these things are crystalized, they are already determined. Yet you keep working on something, you try to challenge your beliefs, you try to improve something in your condition and you definitely have to change something from these crystalized habits.
More than a year ago I wrote those three rules. Rule number one is something that lasts forever. It's so important for me and it has never betrayed me. Quest for truth. To know (oneself, the world). Year by year it proves to be totally worth and it never kills me. Maybe not for others but for my kind of personality I need it. The rest of the rules was something like a joke but there was really a rule number two that I concealed.
I don't remember the 2nd rule. It has to do with the fact that people don't care about the reality, they get their self-esteem by living in their own imaginary world. Nobody cares about the truth. People are actors, it's only important that they play their role that makes them feel confident. They can contradict with what they say and not realize it. I couldn't do that because I am very attached to the truth, the reality that seems to be there, not the things that I would like to believe.
The 2nd rule was about playing their game. Even in a way that it would ridicule the whole concept. It's the ironic feeling one friend said about it. I don't remember how did I expressed that rule. It was about being fed up with myself caring all these years while people just play the game of socialization and godlike self-esteem. Some of these people might come to me and tell me to get a life and criticize myself and when they do this you suddenly thing that they are not playing a game, they are serious about what is there. But they are not. Because later their actions contradict with what they said. Most people will react to this idea right now. Because another role we put to ourselves is to think that we are right and we are talking the facts, we are not playing a role but we are ourselves.
It doesn't matter. The fact is that I implanted those ideas these years and they seem to let me have this self-esteem. Even as a reaction. When something makes me feel bad, I remember that nobody cares even if they seem like this. I remember that the whole thing is a game and the world is lie. But it works. It has played a role too in stop caring and living my life. It doesn't matter if my life is a "successful" one or just sitting in front of my computer writing this and eating junk food. As long as I can be confident about it and even ignore people who blame me. I can even play with them, be vengeful, be accepting, or denying, playing a role that is not me just to get rid of them or piss them off and a hidden ironic me laughing inside (another piece of 2nd part).
I would like to write a post about our fake world in my normality blog. One other day. See I found a motive to write one :)
I am really curious about the external things now. The studies, the job and what lies beneath. While they are not as relevant to me as the internal, failing in one of these could take me down possibly (but I think now that I could manage my life and actually ask and get what I want even if I had to return to Greece). I need to be successful with these because maybe the external environment helps with the internal too. I also love the demoscene too. It's another experience, I may had something with specific people, negative emotions with specific situations in the past, etc. but I miss the creativity. When I feel so well with the 2nd rule then I think this can work out well even inside this community.
To get on with this I have to stop writing these saddened texts to not give the opportunity to people to use them (or when writing these, write them with a purpose, with a different spirit) and show them that you believe in what you do. Or don't even bother to prove it to them since you believe it yourself.
More updates with this later, the game never ends.