Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Self-victimization and the value of life.

There is a fear, a bad fear I had since childhood. I thought that some things would never change. Instead of being an optimist and trying to imagine that some negative things about me are possible to change, I had that sarcastic negative view that said "Yeah right! As I am gonna ever change :P".

For example, feeling a bit introverted or shy (Some say being introverted is not bad. In psychology it is a unique personality element, not something to be cured. Some people are extroverted and some are introverted and that's it!) or especially my constant and excessive feeling of anxiety about things which normally don't touch people so much. I get the feeling everyday that this is NEVER gonna change or improve enough. And there is a nasty negative loop in here that started from childhood and the more times it runs the more it preserves the feeling. It's the fact that every day I wake up and live my life, I encounter this element of negativity on me. Everyday I observe it I believe more and more into it. I believe that it is so crystalized that it's not going to change. And everyday I believe the more it is there.

My brain predicts my future actually from everyday experience by observing myself. (Funny thing, it actually reminds what we are currently studying about Bayes theorem with the prior and the posterior probabilities). It's like he observes myself everyday and says, you for another time were shy, failed in the exams, procrastinated as usual, etc, etc.. (and various other cases). What makes you think that you won't fail for another day?

If you live so many years since your childhood with negative experiences then these get into you. Some things make you brain predict the same negativity. In few instances you could break these by showing some positive new results to yourself (mostly in practical things that you can repeat) to making him believe that he needs to change his prediction algorithms and that some things you thought couldn't change, yes they can. It's easier with those cases. But those things go to other more obscure parts. Being shy, being anxious,. for example social anxiety? There is no straight indication that yesterday I was looking shy and today I was looking confident, for example. You have to guess. And if you tend to think "Oh,. nobody likes me, I am too shy, I am not cool for them, etc, etc.." then you keep believing it. And you have none to grade you, to tell you "You got an A in this social thing". You may ask someone or someone might told you to not worry because you are looking fine but then you'd think that maybe he is telling it politely and don't really mean it. And that's in your own judge. Now if you are a person like me you will always keep having this low self-esteem. And even if you try to change, you'd still be disbelieving yourself. It's a change of mood, a change of habit, of an attitude that is needed, from the pessimist to the optimist. You have to fool yourself, you have to live the delusion that you are a great guy or something. Because in order to break the cycle you have to play the opposite role and for too many times. But why am I not doing it?

This is actually another scary point I revisited about myself. It's like sometimes I don't want some of those things to change. It's like that if someday my life changes to the better at most points, I will be as I use to say, a shinny happy. It's like I need this negativity, I need this victimization, it's like an important part of my personality.

I am not sure about this. It's a scary thought and I have to investigate further. Because it might be another one of those eternal habits stuck deep into my brain that won't let me evolve at certain points.

But I want to say that it's not the sole thing. It doesn't mean I am perfect. I didn't just one day woke up and fabricated the idea that I can play victim. There are deeper roots.

Those roots are the things I have lived in the past. What can happen when your life starts like this, being the shy humble guy at school, dreaming in his own world, being bullied daily at school, suffering from those anxiety disorders, being restricted also in the family, trying to escape in someway, trying to get back his lost self-esteem by doing... demos. You don't know what is happening to you, you cry everyday, you are sensitive and the environment is even more hostile towards you. What do you do when there is no positive thought or situations from which you can hang on? You invent one! Self-victimization. Or martyrdom as I used to call it. You are the poor guy, that means you are the good guy, the one that deserves something. Are you poor in any case? Are you the worst in everything? Then you are special, you are something, some people might love you, etc, etc..

This is the root of self-victimization. Those people didn't just invent it oneday to gain attention. I don't know that it doesn't work that way. Maybe my brain asks attention, someone to love me, someone to say something positive about me because I am just poor. But there was a bad past. And there is a negative present and (if not averted) future if all you have in the past was eating shit in your face every day and all these things among your ways of escape forming your personality.

Another scary thing that occurred to me is that sometimes you also stop valuing life. When everyday you live is a hell and all these experiences keep accumulating in your brain and crystalize your personality, who you are that keep things in the same cycle and preserve the condition, then another thing that happens is that you stop caring about your life. The more scary thought is that sometimes when you don't value your life you might not value or understand other people's lives. Making these thoughts, I am glad that the ethics that evolved in my mind are good ones, that it would devastate my ego if I was the one to inflict harm on someone. Because worse things can happen when someone lives through bullying so much that he does not value his life (I think this is very related to what happened at the Columbine incident with those two boys, I am not justifying their acts here of course). Another thing that can happen is suicide (Thankfully it's out of the question in my case too, although the scary thing is that sometimes I think that if an accident would happen to me and I wouldn't be able to prevent it then I wouldn't care about losing my life (I would be more scared of the physical pain)).

Instead I am here and I dedicated my life in ..ehm ..ehm making demos (sign of vanity?) and searching for answers. The primary idea sometimes is that if living a regular life is not worth it then I could at least dedicate my existence into a scientific or artistic pursuit. Another idea could be that living a regular life was full of bullying and social anxiety and things that I was forced to live in a specific way by the unwritten rules concerning normality and so I found that living in a different world and making unique things (like doing demos or just thinking about stuff for endless hours, etc) at least was a bit better and sometimes gave me back my self-esteem. I could speculate many things about it but it's enough. I could have taken a more seriously self-destructing way out of my frustration with life.

One value is for me above all. The need to know, to feel, to understand what is the reality behind things. I am thinking about things every day thoroughly. I am doubting, questioning myself twice, having as a focus the truth behind everything and not seeking for facts just to justify my means. This could normally come in conflict with the self and you may manipulate what you think it's true but this evolves in me and I am not afraid of the truth because in the end it's not going to let you down. There is no truth that denies your self as a human being. There are reasons why you are sad and there are more reasons than what people say and they are inside you. This search for reality is what led me till now to the current thoughts about myself and this is evolving. I think I can make a meaning out of this life by knowing apart from other methods.

You gotta find a meaning in this sad existence. Not everyone is taking the kool-aid. Being not exactly "normal", not following the path everyone tolds you is the "right" one, but dedicating your life to something different, letting the so called "real-life" in a standstill, because some people fucked this part since my childhood and they even demand from me to be like them, I think should be justified. Can you put yourself in the position of those people who were bullied at school for being more different, more sensitive, not like most of you? Or are you living in your shinny happy life where everything looks so nice and simple?

This is what we need. To know more, to justify our existence, to make this suffering worth at the end. To live a meaningful life. Our past life has shaped our personality. There are neurological reasons, there are psychological and environmental and social. All those played a role in what we are and speak about our habits and our view on life. They make some paths difficult. It's up to you to find out and decide what to do with it. Would it be to evolve into a more "normal" being while keeping the positive weird traits? Or would it be to become a hermit or dedicate your life in art or science? Nobody can claim something is more right than the other. I don't think they have the right!

Learn yourself and evolve and then learn yourself again and do the cycle. This is what kept me alive at most..

p.s. This big post originated from hours of writing evolving from this post.

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