Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Self-victimization and the value of life.

There is a fear, a bad fear I had since childhood. I thought that some things would never change. Instead of being an optimist and trying to imagine that some negative things about me are possible to change, I had that sarcastic negative view that said "Yeah right! As I am gonna ever change :P".

For example, feeling a bit introverted or shy (Some say being introverted is not bad. In psychology it is a unique personality element, not something to be cured. Some people are extroverted and some are introverted and that's it!) or especially my constant and excessive feeling of anxiety about things which normally don't touch people so much. I get the feeling everyday that this is NEVER gonna change or improve enough. And there is a nasty negative loop in here that started from childhood and the more times it runs the more it preserves the feeling. It's the fact that every day I wake up and live my life, I encounter this element of negativity on me. Everyday I observe it I believe more and more into it. I believe that it is so crystalized that it's not going to change. And everyday I believe the more it is there.

My brain predicts my future actually from everyday experience by observing myself. (Funny thing, it actually reminds what we are currently studying about Bayes theorem with the prior and the posterior probabilities). It's like he observes myself everyday and says, you for another time were shy, failed in the exams, procrastinated as usual, etc, etc.. (and various other cases). What makes you think that you won't fail for another day?

If you live so many years since your childhood with negative experiences then these get into you. Some things make you brain predict the same negativity. In few instances you could break these by showing some positive new results to yourself (mostly in practical things that you can repeat) to making him believe that he needs to change his prediction algorithms and that some things you thought couldn't change, yes they can. It's easier with those cases. But those things go to other more obscure parts. Being shy, being anxious,. for example social anxiety? There is no straight indication that yesterday I was looking shy and today I was looking confident, for example. You have to guess. And if you tend to think "Oh,. nobody likes me, I am too shy, I am not cool for them, etc, etc.." then you keep believing it. And you have none to grade you, to tell you "You got an A in this social thing". You may ask someone or someone might told you to not worry because you are looking fine but then you'd think that maybe he is telling it politely and don't really mean it. And that's in your own judge. Now if you are a person like me you will always keep having this low self-esteem. And even if you try to change, you'd still be disbelieving yourself. It's a change of mood, a change of habit, of an attitude that is needed, from the pessimist to the optimist. You have to fool yourself, you have to live the delusion that you are a great guy or something. Because in order to break the cycle you have to play the opposite role and for too many times. But why am I not doing it?

This is actually another scary point I revisited about myself. It's like sometimes I don't want some of those things to change. It's like that if someday my life changes to the better at most points, I will be as I use to say, a shinny happy. It's like I need this negativity, I need this victimization, it's like an important part of my personality.

I am not sure about this. It's a scary thought and I have to investigate further. Because it might be another one of those eternal habits stuck deep into my brain that won't let me evolve at certain points.

But I want to say that it's not the sole thing. It doesn't mean I am perfect. I didn't just one day woke up and fabricated the idea that I can play victim. There are deeper roots.

Those roots are the things I have lived in the past. What can happen when your life starts like this, being the shy humble guy at school, dreaming in his own world, being bullied daily at school, suffering from those anxiety disorders, being restricted also in the family, trying to escape in someway, trying to get back his lost self-esteem by doing... demos. You don't know what is happening to you, you cry everyday, you are sensitive and the environment is even more hostile towards you. What do you do when there is no positive thought or situations from which you can hang on? You invent one! Self-victimization. Or martyrdom as I used to call it. You are the poor guy, that means you are the good guy, the one that deserves something. Are you poor in any case? Are you the worst in everything? Then you are special, you are something, some people might love you, etc, etc..

This is the root of self-victimization. Those people didn't just invent it oneday to gain attention. I don't know that it doesn't work that way. Maybe my brain asks attention, someone to love me, someone to say something positive about me because I am just poor. But there was a bad past. And there is a negative present and (if not averted) future if all you have in the past was eating shit in your face every day and all these things among your ways of escape forming your personality.

Another scary thing that occurred to me is that sometimes you also stop valuing life. When everyday you live is a hell and all these experiences keep accumulating in your brain and crystalize your personality, who you are that keep things in the same cycle and preserve the condition, then another thing that happens is that you stop caring about your life. The more scary thought is that sometimes when you don't value your life you might not value or understand other people's lives. Making these thoughts, I am glad that the ethics that evolved in my mind are good ones, that it would devastate my ego if I was the one to inflict harm on someone. Because worse things can happen when someone lives through bullying so much that he does not value his life (I think this is very related to what happened at the Columbine incident with those two boys, I am not justifying their acts here of course). Another thing that can happen is suicide (Thankfully it's out of the question in my case too, although the scary thing is that sometimes I think that if an accident would happen to me and I wouldn't be able to prevent it then I wouldn't care about losing my life (I would be more scared of the physical pain)).

Instead I am here and I dedicated my life in ..ehm ..ehm making demos (sign of vanity?) and searching for answers. The primary idea sometimes is that if living a regular life is not worth it then I could at least dedicate my existence into a scientific or artistic pursuit. Another idea could be that living a regular life was full of bullying and social anxiety and things that I was forced to live in a specific way by the unwritten rules concerning normality and so I found that living in a different world and making unique things (like doing demos or just thinking about stuff for endless hours, etc) at least was a bit better and sometimes gave me back my self-esteem. I could speculate many things about it but it's enough. I could have taken a more seriously self-destructing way out of my frustration with life.

One value is for me above all. The need to know, to feel, to understand what is the reality behind things. I am thinking about things every day thoroughly. I am doubting, questioning myself twice, having as a focus the truth behind everything and not seeking for facts just to justify my means. This could normally come in conflict with the self and you may manipulate what you think it's true but this evolves in me and I am not afraid of the truth because in the end it's not going to let you down. There is no truth that denies your self as a human being. There are reasons why you are sad and there are more reasons than what people say and they are inside you. This search for reality is what led me till now to the current thoughts about myself and this is evolving. I think I can make a meaning out of this life by knowing apart from other methods.

You gotta find a meaning in this sad existence. Not everyone is taking the kool-aid. Being not exactly "normal", not following the path everyone tolds you is the "right" one, but dedicating your life to something different, letting the so called "real-life" in a standstill, because some people fucked this part since my childhood and they even demand from me to be like them, I think should be justified. Can you put yourself in the position of those people who were bullied at school for being more different, more sensitive, not like most of you? Or are you living in your shinny happy life where everything looks so nice and simple?

This is what we need. To know more, to justify our existence, to make this suffering worth at the end. To live a meaningful life. Our past life has shaped our personality. There are neurological reasons, there are psychological and environmental and social. All those played a role in what we are and speak about our habits and our view on life. They make some paths difficult. It's up to you to find out and decide what to do with it. Would it be to evolve into a more "normal" being while keeping the positive weird traits? Or would it be to become a hermit or dedicate your life in art or science? Nobody can claim something is more right than the other. I don't think they have the right!

Learn yourself and evolve and then learn yourself again and do the cycle. This is what kept me alive at most..

p.s. This big post originated from hours of writing evolving from this post.

Personal evolution ad infinitum.

While I was returning home, I was thinking about some things never change with me, things that might be either good for me or others which prevent me from evolving or just put barriers in my life. Then I made this new interesting question:

Myself as an ever-changing system, is it evolving or is it converging at a specific kind of personality with specific traits and crystallized habits? Given infinite time, would even the most well preserved habits, attitudes, beliefs change? Or would some things never change no matter how much I try (at least the things I want to change)? If some things are evolving and some things are remaining, then after a very very long time reaching infinity, the definition of infinitum persona would be the true hidden/concealed me? (if there is such a thing).

That's an interesting thought. It's also interesting to think separately about each of my current habits, both my beloved and those I'd like to abolish (but sometimes I don't seem to want), my personality traits, my current ideas about the world and myself and try to extrapolate onto the far future, give it a bit of imagination to go not 50 years from now but 500 or 10000 years or something soooo far (the infinitum concept made a bit more finite) that is given time for myself to evolve at it's final stage and think: Which of those traits do I believe they will be changed, which I think they will remain and why?

It's interesting to see at which points I believe there is hope for evolution towards the better and which I am afraid they won't change. Also which I know or believe they won't change because they are facts of myself that I honor even if others don't like those elements of me.

There are things that are habits that go in cycles and back to themselves. It's like you observe a negative trait on yourself and then your brain keeps these data in memory and the more you see a repetition of the same thing the more you believe it and the more you do and the cycle goes on. It's kinda funny or interesting that it reminds me of Bayes theorem with the prior and posterior probabilities that depend one on each other. After so many repetitions there is a convergence that preserves some of those habits or traits so badly that you think they can never change. Could some of these habits somehow change or basically evolve after a vast amount of life time?

At this point I was writing for hours and this evolved in another long series of text that moved far away from the main idea. I actually liked that text and felt it would be a very nice individual post for my other blog about normality. So I transfered it here.

I think this question reminds me another one a friend asks me frequently: Move 10 years forward in time. Can you imagine yourself, how you will look like, what you will be doing in your life? (which reminds me a bit of flash-forward the TV series :P)

It's just more inspiring to think about personal evolution ad infinitum (afteralls after 10 years I may not be too much different at specific points (scary)). And maybe it would be a good exercise try to think more about it. I could speculate many things and maybe learn more about myself and find solutions to habits that doesn't seem to want to be changed (I am a huge procrastinator :P).

I think I have to close this post..

Sunday, March 07, 2010

What is the psychopathology of mr.Bauer?

I was just reading this article

Someone who goes out of their way to help others, even at the expense of their own welfare, is actually more likely to break rules than the average person.

Another thing I ask myself when I watch some characters on TV is what is their D&D alignment?

Is Jack Bauer chaotic good?

How about Aaron? Lawful good? Neutral good? True neutral? I can't decide. What I enjoy in Aaron from 24 is how robotic he is (and his voice shows) considering following the laws and caring about the general good (although sometimes he overcomes these rules just to help Jack or others who think there is a good reason for that). Very funny character.

p.s. Yesterday I downloaded the 1st episode of season 8. It proved to be a porn video file. Suckers!!! :P

Friday, March 05, 2010

Do you have screensavers?

I had this dream today.

I was in a party.
And there were girls.
I had some kind of funny reputation there.
This was some kind of meeting of an internet community.
For the first time.

I wanted to show them something on the NDS.

I tried to find that test I did, my second code on the DS after the plasma, with Jennifer Love Hewitt in the background (from Led Blur) and the water effect where you can do ripples with the touch.

For some reasons I really wanted to show it to them.
I thought they would like it more than showing them a game.

I was fiddling with my DS for half an hour.
As usually with dreams, when you want something to much, something obscure happens.
Maybe in my dreams. What could that mean? In conjunction with something else about me in the real world I am just thinking?

Anyways, what always happen is that strange bugs don't let me do what I want to do, like elevators not going to the 4th but to the 44th (while the building has just five floors) or something slows your movement down when you try to escape from a monster or trying to run something on any device and when that's important amazing bugs are happening and I spent half the time to reach my goal but till then my dream is over and I wake up.

I opened the DS, there was a game booting, I quit, the same game was booting, I reset and open and different games were booting randomly. I couldn't go to the menu to chose my demonstration. Strange things. Then I opened the DS and tried to do something with it's electronics. But then I couldn't put it back.

The girls were curious, is that a camera? one said. Most didn't care.

A cute girl I haven't seen before, maybe see just arrived at the party, came in and asked me:

Do you have screensavers?

"Wow! If you like screensavers, you will love demos!" I replied.

I show her some 2d metaballs. She loved them.
I showed her a 3d version of them. She hated them.

"Wow! You love exclusively 2d!!!"

Then we sat down and listened to some chiptunes. So sweet!!!

I almost tried to get her e-mail but I woke up, so I don't know where she might be :P

From the part of the metaballs it's just imaginary. How could it be real(dream) since I would have never fixed the DS? But maybe I imagined I showed it from my laptop and this didn't got stubborn. I use to do this, waking up after having a dream that end at some point yet thinking about how it would continue.

Other than that I am fine. I lost some weight today. The diet plans are going well. I just need patience.

Now I will go for a walk.

Monday, March 01, 2010


If I fail in life, I make demo.

If I fail in demo, I make nothing.

If I nothing, I free.

Thank you god!
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