I couldn't have fun. I couldn't take part in the social situations, I couldn't enjoy looking at girls, I couldn't relax. It just wasn't my time. Because trying to do so required at first to defocus, switch off my brain and join another state of mind. I couldn't enjoy the time but I knew it wasn't wrong. I knew that my brain wanted me to grab a subject and analyze it, stay in solidarity and talk to myself, sit in front of my computer and write a programm, sit in a chair and read a book or anything else that didn't fit the particular moment and time.
Later I went into the sea. I like the sea. Most people get into the sea for fifteen minutes and then stay out in the beach for hours. I like to be in the sea and go deeper where there are is a distance from people. I like to relax there for hours (of course I know the after effects) and stare at the horizon, floating over the waves, being alone and thinking. Actually talking to myself..
I don't exactly know why I am doing it. Maybe because it's more passionate and gets you focused when you are speaking it loud than thinking it. I always do the same thing in my lonely walks or at home. I try to be careful to do it when people are not around because I feel a bit weird. Some people have asked me why am I doing it? One has speculated that I am doing this because I feel lonely and I don't have anyone to talk and so I should find more friends. I recently found a very interesting explanation that defy this logic and is also based on my insights on the nature of regular socialization.
The big difference is:
- Most people have a primary focus to socialize with other people and only use "objects" as means of socialization (social interest).
- Few of us are passionate and focused on "objects" and want to talk with people who share the same interest about "objects" (actual interest).
Where "object" means hobby, science, philosophy, actual knowledge, understanding and will to get involved into the discussion upon the subject, not short reference of common opinions and ideas that are necessary pleasing to people or just used to present yourself or open a random discussion.
When I am talking to myself, it is because I am of the second kind. Speaking loudly and with passion has to do with my strong focus and interest on the subject. It's not about my need to speak to other people because then I wouldn't need to do this alone since people are everywhere and I could just start a casual talk if I wanted.
The interesting part here is to think of the elements of socialization. Socialization as we know it from the majority (because socialization could be any form of communication, even those weird ones that are not considered particularly "social"). The most common form is the one which I recently called casual socialization. What is there? Predictable talks. Casual chat. Jokes. And when the thing reaches the "object" it's just brief mentions of ideas and opinions just for the sake of socialization. The important here is that there is an easy and relaxing flow of words and ideas just to have a nice casual feeling of being with people and belonging somewhere. The belonging part is why there is a trend to mention well accepted, common, predictable ideas so that everyone else is noding his head and there is a feeling of safety that we are all similar in ideas (belonging) and have a good time. Of course some disagreements arise but then the ideas change from one subject to another and all process is going lightly (not obsessively).
When I join a social situation, I sometimes may get dragged into a certain talk because it happens to speak of a certain matter that interests me. Usually I am just a pure listener but if I manage to get into the discussion I may speak like crazy, not being necessary a fanatic (I may agree with the opinion and there may be no arguments) but sounding like so because I switch into a furious state that surely looks kinda weird, even... not considered "social". Social for them might mean to say something small, not get too focused on subject, like making a dribble and then throwing the ball to another person and not playing with the ball in the corner. There are actually some sceners in Breakpoint who told me that. They thought that I monopolize the discussion because I am an attention seeker. But I think the answer is another one.
I am getting too obsessed with the subject of the discussion that my thoughts are racing and I am getting in a furious state. Just like these blogs. I certainly believe it's a brain difference and it's getting really obvious from my various observations of myself or other people during social situations, it's also obvious from the size and analysis of my texts and my obsessive nature. It can't be like this because of bad personality or psychology. You don't avoid a social way of communicating that works because you are stubborn. It can't be a naive choice to be something that is not me. It is me!
It seems weird. It's because of my focus on the subject that makes the process of socialization entirely different for myself than what others expect. Sometimes I open a subject because I am truly obsessed with it. Someone responds, he just finds my subject useful as a bridge to communicate. But he later changes the subject. I thought he did that because he found the subject boring. But no. This is how the game is played. Later (if we are at a party) he leaves the discussions and moves to other people. I thought he found me boring. I was wrong. He has to go from one person to another one. It's logical. He wants to meet people, as many as he can. I want to find one person who is really obsessed with the same object I am to spend the hours discussing this together. A different kind of mentality.
There is nothing wrong with each of these different mentalities. Some people meet together for the sake of socialization (socialization as an end in itself) while others are in need to communicate their passion about a specific "object". The first group might have to do something with the "object" because it's their job and then forget it, while the second group is involved into the exploration and understanding of the "object" because they are obsessed with it (the "object" as an end in itself).
I think it all has to do with a different nature of the brain. The cases of people in the autistic spectrum who are focused or obsessed with specific hobbies while they don't fit very well socially might be a key to that difference. I am not sure yet if my case has to do anything with it but there seem to be some strong indications that I am not into this condition just because I was lazy or stubborn. At least I am certain that my thoughts are racing through my brain.