Monday, August 17, 2009

A happy night!

I had a very good time today when I met my friends nuclear and hikiko to discuss about finding a house in London, having also our typical graphics programming discussions and then went to the netcafe to watch the same demo in three screens simultaneously. Somehow I had a rare positive feeling today, maybe it's the fact that we will most probably spent a great time studying together from late September in England.

Maybe it's time to give you my news about this since the time is near and I am in a great mood to speak about it. Me and hikiko applied for an MSc in Computer Graphics, Vision and Imaging at UCL and we are certainly in. Now the only step remaining is to find a good cheap home (university houses might not make it) or anything to have somewhere to stay and the good times start. I hope that nuclear gets his phd offer too and we can stay together. For me it's a positive thing from many views, first of all it will be great to be studying what I like to do in my free time, then it's actually a nice opportunity (or transition way) to stay in England and search for a related job there and I am hoping for many good changes in my life from that point on. I need that transition and I need to see new places and make a new start.

Maybe that happy feeling will fade away tomorrow and for the next three weeks but it's all natural to drop down from a highly positive feeling and when the time comes near it will be all positive for the better again. I can't await for the moment to come, that we settle down in a home and all good things are about to come. Yey!

Saturday, August 08, 2009

The roots of normality.

Ever wondered how and when has the concept of normality arisen? How things came to be the way they are?

Although the concepts of normal and weird, that of the average joe and the eccentric might have existed even in ancient years (I imagine some ancient greek philosopher looking too weird to the common person of his times, I think there are examples of strangeness and reactions to this in history), maybe the first time that it was applied in a political basis in our history is described in the 2nd episode of the documentary "the century of the self".

Anna Freud believed that if children strictly followed the rules of accepted social contract then as they grow up, the conscious mind will be greatly strengthen in the struggle to control the unconscious.

I leave you to discover more in the documentary video.

Thursday, August 06, 2009

Blogs again

I somehow need to organize all these blogs and it's a hard work. Right now I exported most old posts from Kodeus Delirius and imported them to the Otinanism blog. When I started the kodeus delirius blog (gates to delirium) it was just a blog of random stupid posts that had to do with just being crazy and writting funny strange posts. But later I transformed this blog into a news blog about my coding projects (from which I am absent the recent days anyway). It wasn't very nice to have kept the insane old posts with the coding news at the same blog. And since I was used to open various different blog with insanities, I will just keep one (otinanism) and put everything there. At first I thought about deleting it but later I said, let's make it as a blog of garbage posts :P

I also tried to add some links, blog archive, label lists, etc in some of my recent ones. There is work to be done.

There is only one more blog I am thinking about opening.

You might wonder why all these blogs? Isn't it more work to have seven of them? Actually no. The different blogs bear with subjects that would be posts on the primary blog. I am just splitting these subjects in different blog. I was write posts about demoscene, normality, hackers, programming, ufos, news, random thoughts, stupid posts, etc in the same blog for a long. Subjects that don't match with each other and don't fit in the same atmosphere of the blog. I have already used labels too but I needed to separate the posts in different blogs.

But if I separate the subjects then what I will be writting in the main Optimus blog? In the past most of the posts here had to do with the normality/personal struggle subject. These are going to the normality blog. Few of them with the demoscene. Plasmafun is about games/demos/various stuff, recently I am writting a lot of demo reviews there. Kodeus Delirius about my coding projects (although I don't think I am in enough mood to work with this blog). Computer Hermit again with computers but with a different perspective (although I am getting too obsessed with the "hackers" subject there, I am still skeptical why I opened this blog but I like the feeling of it right now). I might open one about UFO and paranormal things and my skepticism. I think the main Optimus blog will remain as a center for things, news, not related exactly.

Nah. It needs a lot of work to put it in a satisfactory way that I like. There are some blogs I am tempted to delete or merge with others. But maybe I shouldn't. Too much work and I can't decide..

Monday, August 03, 2009

The nature of socialization

I went with some friends to a beach bar. My mood was looking quite serious and somebody noticed it. He thought I was sad. Then fact was, my thoughts were racing through my head. They weren't thoughts about personal problems. They were thoughts about subjects I sometimes analyze with great passion and interest, yet not necessarily affecting me. I mean, there wasn't any burden with real life at that time, only positive things ahead. It was just that my brain decided to overload me with various ideas for me to analyze. And I was actually in the moods to do so. I just was in the wrong place and time.

I couldn't have fun. I couldn't take part in the social situations, I couldn't enjoy looking at girls, I couldn't relax. It just wasn't my time. Because trying to do so required at first to defocus, switch off my brain and join another state of mind. I couldn't enjoy the time but I knew it wasn't wrong. I knew that my brain wanted me to grab a subject and analyze it, stay in solidarity and talk to myself, sit in front of my computer and write a programm, sit in a chair and read a book or anything else that didn't fit the particular moment and time.

Later I went into the sea. I like the sea. Most people get into the sea for fifteen minutes and then stay out in the beach for hours. I like to be in the sea and go deeper where there are is a distance from people. I like to relax there for hours (of course I know the after effects) and stare at the horizon, floating over the waves, being alone and thinking. Actually talking to myself..

I don't exactly know why I am doing it. Maybe because it's more passionate and gets you focused when you are speaking it loud than thinking it. I always do the same thing in my lonely walks or at home. I try to be careful to do it when people are not around because I feel a bit weird. Some people have asked me why am I doing it? One has speculated that I am doing this because I feel lonely and I don't have anyone to talk and so I should find more friends. I recently found a very interesting explanation that defy this logic and is also based on my insights on the nature of regular socialization.

The big difference is:

  • Most people have a primary focus to socialize with other people and only use "objects" as means of socialization (social interest).

  • Few of us are passionate and focused on "objects" and want to talk with people who share the same interest about "objects" (actual interest).

Where "object" means hobby, science, philosophy, actual knowledge, understanding and will to get involved into the discussion upon the subject, not short reference of common opinions and ideas that are necessary pleasing to people or just used to present yourself or open a random discussion.

When I am talking to myself, it is because I am of the second kind. Speaking loudly and with passion has to do with my strong focus and interest on the subject. It's not about my need to speak to other people because then I wouldn't need to do this alone since people are everywhere and I could just start a casual talk if I wanted.

The interesting part here is to think of the elements of socialization. Socialization as we know it from the majority (because socialization could be any form of communication, even those weird ones that are not considered particularly "social"). The most common form is the one which I recently called casual socialization. What is there? Predictable talks. Casual chat. Jokes. And when the thing reaches the "object" it's just brief mentions of ideas and opinions just for the sake of socialization. The important here is that there is an easy and relaxing flow of words and ideas just to have a nice casual feeling of being with people and belonging somewhere. The belonging part is why there is a trend to mention well accepted, common, predictable ideas so that everyone else is noding his head and there is a feeling of safety that we are all similar in ideas (belonging) and have a good time. Of course some disagreements arise but then the ideas change from one subject to another and all process is going lightly (not obsessively).

When I join a social situation, I sometimes may get dragged into a certain talk because it happens to speak of a certain matter that interests me. Usually I am just a pure listener but if I manage to get into the discussion I may speak like crazy, not being necessary a fanatic (I may agree with the opinion and there may be no arguments) but sounding like so because I switch into a furious state that surely looks kinda weird, even... not considered "social". Social for them might mean to say something small, not get too focused on subject, like making a dribble and then throwing the ball to another person and not playing with the ball in the corner. There are actually some sceners in Breakpoint who told me that. They thought that I monopolize the discussion because I am an attention seeker. But I think the answer is another one.

I am getting too obsessed with the subject of the discussion that my thoughts are racing and I am getting in a furious state. Just like these blogs. I certainly believe it's a brain difference and it's getting really obvious from my various observations of myself or other people during social situations, it's also obvious from the size and analysis of my texts and my obsessive nature. It can't be like this because of bad personality or psychology. You don't avoid a social way of communicating that works because you are stubborn. It can't be a naive choice to be something that is not me. It is me!

It seems weird. It's because of my focus on the subject that makes the process of socialization entirely different for myself than what others expect. Sometimes I open a subject because I am truly obsessed with it. Someone responds, he just finds my subject useful as a bridge to communicate. But he later changes the subject. I thought he did that because he found the subject boring. But no. This is how the game is played. Later (if we are at a party) he leaves the discussions and moves to other people. I thought he found me boring. I was wrong. He has to go from one person to another one. It's logical. He wants to meet people, as many as he can. I want to find one person who is really obsessed with the same object I am to spend the hours discussing this together. A different kind of mentality.

There is nothing wrong with each of these different mentalities. Some people meet together for the sake of socialization (socialization as an end in itself) while others are in need to communicate their passion about a specific "object". The first group might have to do something with the "object" because it's their job and then forget it, while the second group is involved into the exploration and understanding of the "object" because they are obsessed with it (the "object" as an end in itself).

I think it all has to do with a different nature of the brain. The cases of people in the autistic spectrum who are focused or obsessed with specific hobbies while they don't fit very well socially might be a key to that difference. I am not sure yet if my case has to do anything with it but there seem to be some strong indications that I am not into this condition just because I was lazy or stubborn. At least I am certain that my thoughts are racing through my brain.

What's your problem?

It sometimes pisses me off and then I wonder. Why do these people get into trouble to annoy us? Why do they need to tell me with a hectic passion that I am doing something wrong with my life? Why do they get fanatic or angry about me not changing? Why their rants are not simple suggestions but screams that something is very bad with this world and that's us?

I mean, there are a lot of other stupid trends that are considered normal yet they are harmful to the people around and yet most of them wouldn't even react about (e.g. bullying). But things like being different, following your own path or having weird hobbies steer the anger in many. While it's just a quiet life that hardly harms anyone. Of course someone could give me counter-examples but those won't be more harmful than many harmful things that are accepted as common and nobody mentions.

One thing that is common in me and makes me passive to situations is that I try my best to avoid conflict. There are even acts that annoy me and yet I try to be patient enough and not get into fight. You'd again tell me that the right thing is to become more aggressive to those who deserve it but everyone has a different attitude and there isn't such a thing as a perfect attitude. The interesting though is that there are some people who seem to naturally have a tendency to seek for fights. They want to piss off people, they get ecstatic by bullying, blaming, criticizing people, they do this all day because their self-esteem needs it.

I can't explain it in a different way. Why someone would get angry over my lifestyle when it doesn't affect his own? He wants a target to blame, one to show his superiority by degrading him, under the excuse that he just wants to help. Why an anonymous reader of my blog would come here and blame me as hard as he can claiming that he is waiting for me to change and that I am an asshole literally if I haven't changed yet?

The message they give is that you are a lazy bum, a stubborn asshole, someone who just has it wrong and everyone else around is right. They'd again say that this is how I perceive their message and so in my defense I'd like to answer that the way some of the people are formulating this message only shows arrogance, degradation and leads to further feelings of victimization and alienation of self. Simply, I get more angry on such reactions and have a "fuck the normal world" attitude. Then they alienate me from the rest of the world and I am having an anti-normal distinctive worldview. This is not helping.

Actually the mistake of the message is to consider one way of life as something so bad that it shouldn't exist. I am more towards the idea that there are social savants and social inept people. Some have a primary need to belong and constantly think about people while others have a natural tendency to wish to explore the world. The mistake we (from our side) do is to feel negative about our own image (that doesn't resemble normality) and try desperately to fit in. I am still fighting with it and that's because those self proclaimed messiah's came to me and wanted to preach with anger and fear that something is very wrong with me and that I have to make a rapid 180 degrees change as fast as I can or else I will be sad all my life. Does anyone change to the better (his good, not yours) with accusations and constant fear or does he loose more of his limited self-esteem and develops anti-social attitudes?

You made me sad since childhood. You never helped me at all. If you just didn't opened your mouth then things would be better for me. What's your damn problem anyway?

Sunday, August 02, 2009

No more food!

Right now I am getting pissed off with myself. Of course I couldn't avoid a taverna visit with my friends for another night and this time I was so full of food that it became so hard to digest and I have trouble breathing. Of course this incident doesn't happen frequently (I remember only one more time when I was thirteen and I was paniced when I instantly couldn't breath) but it got me pissed. Not that it might change anything (because tomorrow I will be fine and forget it) but I am making thoughts to stop with the food again.

A little problem now is that there are some trips I am making in Crete because of my new job, the only source of food in the evening is a Taverna and when I sit for three hours there then I am getting bored and eat everything. Even if I order nothing, the first dishes (for all) are coming and since the rest of my colleagues don't eat that much, it's all open to my choice. I was two weeks in Crete and now I am thinking it, I was eating in a Taverna every evening. It's preety fucked up! Of course it's all my fault (and we have discussed it) and the next time maybe I should stay in the hotel or something. It's not atm possible to sit in the table with tons of food we order but nobody eats and not be tempted or prompted to empty the tables.

Most people don't understand the problem. They think that fat people like me are lazy assholes who always find excuses to eat. To say that it's not healthy is not enough. We know it. It's like you are saying the smoker is an asshole because he doesn't understand that smoking kills and that it's a silly thing. Of course he does. I am not a smoker (I am even annoyed by smoking in public places) but I wouldn't say to a smoker that it's wrong that he is smoking because the logic says that it's bad. It is an addiction. There are psychological factors. It's the same with food addiction. You don't blame the fat person. He knows something is wrong. You are not helping him by blaming him for the obvious.

The remaining problem is what am I doing now? I know that my focus is to return to my normal weight. I know that it doesn't make sense to loose and then gain weight at the end because it will only make the process longer. But I continue to loose focus from the main plan. Also another think is that we like food. We maybe have to persuade ourselves that we don't like food. This is the point where meaning is lost. Because food does taste good. And I am not the person who can blindly close his eyes and believe something that is a lie. But maybe that's the only way. You can't start losing weight by continuing eating food. I have to drop my old habits. I am trying for a lot of years. I've discussed it with some work colleague and he told me that he managed to quit smoking but not food. Such a great addiction it is.

Another thing is diets. They need a plan. I can't follow a plan. Also they look quite simplistic. Of course if you don't follow my overeating plan but the plan of every diet by rule, you are going to loose weight and follow a different habit. Till you forget it and return to you own regular habits. Also it's not that with the diet I will be hungry and become nervous. Hunger doesn't bother me much. It is the fact that I am not allowed to eat (and overeat) my favorite foods. There are cases where I am eating even if I am not hungry.

Maybe I can't follow the alternative. To just not eat. And I am searching for a more convenient path which favours my addiction, although this isn't possible. It's complicated. Whatever you say it is. But there must be a solution. I always believed that every problem has a solution if you think it hard enough. But this is getting too complicated and maybe I secretly don't want to stop my habit..
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