Sunday, June 21, 2009

Eleven years of struggle

I don't remember when this burden have ever started. When the years of innocence had past and common ideas of what is normal were first nested in my brain. Among them came guilt and shame about things that somehow fell off or made me feel uncomfortably. I encountered them, I could feel their infliction, I was aroused by them, shocked and yet I gave them some names and tried to analyze them. I have come to understand that most people have learned to react to these feelings by sanitizing them. This happens by endorsing the belief that if someone feels uneasy about something then that something must be wrong and unacceptable. A way of thinking that I could never follow.

When I see little children I ponder at the moment early before the crystalization of beliefs. They are truly exploring a new world without preconceptions, without mental blocks, without negative feelings. Later I imagine how things will be for them in the future. Most of them will do fine. They somehow manage to survive integration through society and they learn to adore an average way of life and try to resemble the norm. A common thing is that they all learn the hard taboos and unwritten laws at first place, getting to acquire a universal knowledge of what feels uncommon and should be a disgrace. Then there is a small minority which somehow lost track and didn't managed to exactly resemble the norm here, one that is constantly bullied and criticized for being different. Children who were hypersensitive or having a higher consciousness, suffered from anxiety and other mental disorders, bearing a different kind of intelligence or being somewhere there in the autistic spectrum, having problems at home or school, or any other conditions that made their life a harder one than the rest. Especially when they were constantly criticized and bullied for that one reason.

What is normal? Is this world normal? If the majority defines what normal is in current societies and the present days then what can you say about the whole madness in the world? Don't go too far away! In the day when I was constantly bullied at school, my victimizers tried to sanitize their actions. Not only that but they actually managed to believe their lies. They thought it was the right thing to do so that I wake up and become as normal as the rest. I am getting furious the more I think back in the past!

Bullying is normal, not showing your emotions normal, following a 'cool' lifestyle is normal, smoking in my face normal, being average normal. Normal is subjective. Usually a lot of immoral (in my opinion) things today are considered normal. Or they are just passing easily away. Of course normal is not exactly the same in different ages and different places. A very characteristic example is homosexuality. Just observe how open the western societies are with it. To not be misunderstood, I am not against it, but I'll just use it as an example to show the absurd. Someone criticizes me for being nervous and he tells me that I should look 'cool' just like the rest. Someone is against my habit to speak alone to myself or my need for solitariness. Yet they claim they are open-minded and accept gays. Just try to imagine this: Someone is having an affair with the same sex and is fucked up in the ass (again no offense to gays, just an example). It Is Normal and Accepted! I rock nervously my foot on the floor. I make solitary walks? I don't look 'cool'? Abnormal and I shouldn't! How come?

People are dressed like emos or goths these days. A quite weird view really. Generally accepted because it's a known trend. If I surprise people and dress like batman in a day that is not halloween then it will be unexpected and thus abnormal. It's abnormal too that somehow I am uninterested in what clothes I wear or how I look. It was abnormal to speak to myself during solitary walks but now with the invasion of hands-free nobody notices. Alcohol is normal. It's even abnormal to stay sober at parties. People stared me wild for not liking coffee. Among other things, it was abnormal to think too much.

Just pause for a little and try to rethink what is considered normal and what not in modern societies. Things that shouldn't matter that much bother people in comparison to disastrous habits that just pass away as trends or common logic. Compare these to what was accepted in older societies and far away places. You will find many absurdities to realize that normality is a lie.

I recently acquired a better image of the sadness I have gone through since my youth and fell in melancholy. Sometimes I am wondering if it was all worth and if I could have changed something in the past. But now as things happened to be like this, I feel that the best way to give value in my worrying past is by continuing to do what I always did. To examine, analyze, create the big image in order to show what is wrong here and how it has and still is affecting deviant people. In my endless quest to know, only during the recent years I started finding proper answers that could give me the good pieces of the puzzle and a feeling of vindication and fulfillment. The answer was being kept in the personal stories of sensitive people and the blogs of persons fitting somewhere there in the autistic spectrum disorder. I still keep reading various random blogs (they are really numerous and with vast amounts of good proper analysis) and feeling like I am reading exactly my thoughts. A strong empathy is what I feel when reading another personal story of bullying and abuse.

I feel like home.

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