In several occasions, I've been longing to find some free time to have a look back at my past. I am not meaning here to be involved into old forgotten worries but to have a modern look on old things and see how different it feels today. Sometimes I stumble upon things that bring back older memories but what I would like to ask from myself is some good moments to do this intentionally and under the appropriate mood. Still, the unplanned rendezvous with the past happens more often than you think and it's one of these occasions which prompted me to write these thoughts.
At first I was searching for an old post. I haven't found it yet but then I read some old comments from a specific person that wrote several long analytical comments just like me. Then I decided to look back at the older archives in order to collect all these posts from the specific person in a txt file so that I can read it later. In the past there were some things I couldn't understand in their entirety on his comments, so it would be interesting to see what I can understand now that my personal view of myself and the world might have evolved. Well, I haven't collected these texts yet because I was occupied by reading the very first posts in this blog and remembering the past. It's more than 3 years since I have started this blog (I only realized this today).
A common occurring pattern in the very early posts is that of myself crying out about my life or how much I can't enjoy the demoscene and so on. If I told you that it's quite different now you wouldn't believe me. Recent fragments of drama can still be found in my blogs, pouet or whatever. Who knows whether another outburst happens again soon? I have proven to the world that I cannot be trusted on that.
I just felt for a while, as I was reading one of the first posts, that this is not myself. Most possibly because right now I am ok and who knows how good or bad I might feel tomorrow? I have that feeling for a while and it slipped. I could say that the frequency of current drama posts is much less than then and less excessive. I won't stop writting posts with a melancholic or pessimistic feeling because this is what I like to do. But maybe it's the feeling that is changed, one the comes closer to an understanding and acceptance of who I am and my position in the world.
Thoughts that my life is getting worse, that everything is in deep shit, or I have lost hope or that eveyrthing is feeling vain (feelings that I express a lot in many of my old posts) do not circulate currently in my mind a lot. I actually don't believe that. There is a friend of mine with whom we walk in the city at night and speak about things like that. One of our conversation goes like this: "We have fucked up our lifes. We are getting deeper and deeper. Maybe we are growing up. Maybe we have come to understand that things we did in the past are vain. And of course our demomaking hobby (among other things) is coming out of vanity. We have destroyed our lifes.."
Sometimes I laugh because I know that the next time I will meet him out in the city he will tell me exactly the same things word by word. And while in the past I could relate better with these words (which are similar to the feelings in my oldest blog posts) something has changed on me that I don't feel the same at all as my friend. I don't think I have fucked my life (I also don't think the same about him) because I see life as a journey. Well, maybe I did some mistakes, I had some bad moments I could have handled better but if I don't bump into mistakes and frustration how can I learn? I really can't understand people who try to tell you what's right and what's wrong in life so that (as they say) you don't make the same mistakes as they did. But if you don't make a mistake how are you going to understand what did you do wrong in order to not repeat it? By this view, it's meaningless for me to look back and wish I could correct something in my past. It's senseless to regret for something that I was bound to encounter in my journey at the end.
No, I don't feel like in the past. For a long time I try to observe myself, the world and everything else under a more complete vision, one that struggles to accept and understand things as they are and discover the reasons behind it. One that tries to investigate further who I am and how do I fit into this world and what can I do to be more compatible without having to erase my personality. I try to find a balance. I try to learn more.
Knowing is actually the most important part in me. This one hasn't changed in it's core. From the excessive and over-exaggerated past manifestation to the more understanding and accepting function of it at peace. In the past I was even very regularly frustrated for my inability to answer to anything with certainty (that damn skepticism of me :) but now I have accepted that the truth can wait and the quest for it is what matters the most. There are changes, slowly coming, to the better. But the core is there. I always felt that knowing the deeper reasons of our problems, trying to understand how someone feels inside, something that we may not easily see but keep residing in ideologies and afforisms, knowing not like an encyclopedia but like a deep thinker who first tries to "feel", to "see", to "understand" the whole image and later uses logic to put an order and explain it to the world, is a force that I should always count on.
Knowing releases me. In the core I remain the same. Changes are happening slowly slowly (evolution is slow) to improve the core by transforming the elements related to it. People are afraid to know. They tell me to stop thinking. But knowing is a relief no matter if there is a possibility to encounter something that I don't like. At least I will know. And I will enjoy the process.
People hardly change. And those changes are slow because evolution is slow. The common problem here is that when looking one day or a month back you think you have not changed. This is also because the core that defines your personality never changes so you don't see any important changes. And even the changes outside the core are almost never dramatic. That's why people don't seem to change. But when I look back in the past I can see that there are important changes, yet the core will be always the same. People are criticizing someone else who is slightly different than them and expect him to change. In the meantime he might have made important changes in his life and his personal views. Which the most critics won't notice or see as an improvement. But the core, it's the personality, the older groups of neurons that form the illusion of consciousness. You can't wipe that out! You can't expect someone to change in his core, not even in 20 years or ever.
I am changing. But in the core I remaing the same.