Lately, if any of you have noticed, I had been trying to reach the quality of BITS. Or would you prefer to change that last word with CRAP? Why have I chosen to do this? For many reasons but mostly I can say it was just mindless and a choice of moment. Or something I wished to try a long time ago. Well, it wasn't the first time (remember an account on pouet with the name predictable?) but this time it was different. I managed to release three demos(?) in three months. And I tried to keep ok with my conscience about that.
The point was actually this. It's similar to when an artist gets frustrated by the art community and decides to release something controversial to the public. It's because I wanted to try to see the other side and not feel bad by releasing the lamest demos ever. To intentionally release some crappy demos in a new joke group and steer the controversy a bit. Especially that one inside my brain, which gets anxious about releasing a good demo. How about doing the opposite, intentionally releasing crap and trying to not care?
I truly envy Solo2 and people like him. He can code enough but somehow there seems to be no evolution. And he doesn't seem to care. He doesn't seem bother as me about making a better demo, he doesn't seem to get sad as me when I feel a demo I just released is mediocre and I didn't managed to do something spectacularly good. He doesn't even seem to react to the massive thumb downs and fuckings from other people there on Pouet. Sometimes I wish I would be like Solo2. To not care. To be creative and do it for myself and not care if it looks and sounds like crap or if it's truly an awesome demo that one I have just finished. At least it seems like he is not caring but what really happens in Solo2's brain? But let's take it as an example that there possibly exist such people. And that this is and cannot be me..
It cannot be me because of evolution. When I have finish the first Otinanum demo I thought I would never do this again. The next demo was a demomaker. I have never done something so lame before, to release a demo with a demomaker and even thumb up myself on pouet. But I said that now I will never create a demo in demomaker again. The third demo was slightly better. I spend two evenings instead of one finish it, more effort, a bit better effects with not so sucky colors and textures. Still it was crapped but I felt like I got better. And then I look back and see. Even as a BITS-lookalike, I felt the need to evolve. Eventually I had seen that the Otinanum joke would come to an end. I was even planning to finish two good/average demos and release them as Otinanum productions to confuse a bit people, who would initially think they would be crap but see they are not bad. But the primary reason was not this, but that even if I tried to mimic BITS, I would eventually need to make something better demo after demo.
And then I wonder. How do people like Solo2 or others not get the same feeling? That frustration, that sadness of your demo not being as good as you planned, the need to evolve and get better, to take more time on your next demo and not release the same crap again and again, is what makes you improve. Maybe that sadness and that frustration is really high on me, more high than others, but that doesn't mean it's so bad for evolution. Just painful. Sometimes I wish I didn't care, but I can't. I have to evolve, I have to stay in the demoscene (although I am seriously thinking of retiring or leaving for a while long) and do my best even if it will be mediocre. Because I can't pretend to do crap. Even as a joke, something burns inside me. I am not talking right now about what other people would think of me, but that me alone couldn't continue with the same crap because it was feeling like a step back in evolution.
A friend told me about an article he read somewhere (and I am still trying to find that), where scientists (neuroscientists? I don't remember) tried to find and categorize the most basic to the core human emotions. And they found that naturally we have something like 1-2 unique possitive emotions and (I don't remember) something like 5-7 unique negative ones! Naturally, we are more prone to depression. Why is that? Because of evolution. If we were constantly happy, we would just sit there and do nothing. It's a lesson for me that maybe my sadness, my frustrations, even my anxiety are means to improve. Then why people mistakenly think I don't improve? Because evolution is slow and they can't clearly see it? Maybe. Although it's as painful as slow for me. Is it relative? Do I think I evolve more slowly than I'd wish because I am more of a perfectionist? Do I get more easily in sorrow with me not be good enough? Wouldn't that have as a result to improve faster? Yet, does it lead to opposite results because of the sorrow and frustration? Or is it just my idea that I evolve slower than I'd like and that other people do? Just look at my life, it's the same pattern and the same sorrow..
At least, what hit me is that I evolve no matter how hard I try to avoid it. BITS can release the same shit (no offense there :) for the hundredth time. Me on the other side, after two-three crappy (even intentionally, without wish for effort) releases, really wished for something better. I couldn't in no way continue the feat Solo2 started years ago. Not because I cared of my image in the scene or something. But because, naturally, after each crappy Otinanum demo I wanted to evolve from crap to not so crap and eventually reach my casual mediocre levels. I wouldn't never be able to release 50 crappy demos in a row without evolving enough. I really can't understand how Solo2 is doing it!
And that's how I decided that I can't continue with this joke. It's not for me. I am for evolving, I am for improving, not staying stationary, not looking at crap I just did and feel ok with that, not stepping back in the ladder of evolution. Even if this evolution will be slow and painful. Although I wonder why does it work like this on me? Other people are living with the same burden of improving and negative yet motivating feelings for the mistakes in their previous works but they don't get in sorrow as me and they even release much better demos. I don't get it..
I will miss Otinanum. The group where I thought I would be able to release every crap I'd wish and stop caring at all. I failed to be BITS.