Apparently this will feel a bit useless. You don't need to tell me that it's stupid. I am just going to write some endless texts about my confusion with the demoscene and myself. You are going to read it (or maybe not). Later I disappear a bit from the scenery because I need to think or I want to avoid the scene or pouet for a while. Then I return back. Maybe I think I am cured or something. But it's only temporary. Things are going ok till another outburst at pouet, another disappointment or simple bad mood which brings us to the very first point. Writing another post like this, thinking for a while that I've got a clue of the problem and that things are going to change but they won't. The same cycle will follow again and again as it did so many times in the past.
So, I just wonder if after thinking it a lot, and even after reading the comments at pouet in my last thread (I am saying this just to ensure people that I have read their suggestions because some wondered if I was even reading them) did I got a clue about the situation? Not that it would possibly make a difference (just think, first paragraph, the everlasting cycle) but it would be ok for me to write my thoughts in here.
A lot of things have come in my mind since then. Do I like the scene? Do I like making demos? Is it maybe that I don't have anything better to do? Are there some things I like and some things I don't enjoy in the demoscene, a mixed bag of motivators and demotivators? Have I accumulated a lot of negativity with the scene from the past? Do I tend to overdramatize? Is there a possibility that there is no problem, just the one we consider it to be? Whether there is or not, couldn't I just stop worrying and do my best even if I feel that my best is not satisfying enough?
I won't probably get into detail concerning all these questions right now. I'll just speak a bit about something I said in the pouet thread. Something to clear up actually.
I said in this thread that fame is one thing I seek from my engagement in the demoscene. I think I used the wrong word to mean something different. From one point, fame sounds a bit arrogant. It's also not exactly the thing that I wanted. Maybe it's also not the best I'd ask for, to be so well known that you get annoyed by one hundred hundred emails per day :). There is good and bad fame. The good one is because you have achieved something. The bad is the one I am unfortunately closer to (being known as a mockery of the scene).
Actually, if I had a magic spell that would make me instantly famous, this would be meaningless for me. I had always being thinking about this. I wouldn't get the satisfaction I need this way. Just to show you that fame is not exactly what I wish for (It can only be an aftereffect of your achievements and a means to easily transmit your ideas as someone very well pointed). A better word for what I was meaning is "significance". I was wishing to be significant, not famous.
There comes that instant fame without an achievement would feel empty to me. I wake every day and I think which actions would possibly give me some importance in my life. Casual activities like going out with friends, watching a movie or even going to a date (although this would be extraordinary in my case) would not be enough for me. People think that I should just grow up, improve my life, find a stable job, get married with a nice girl, make babies and finally reach the point where I can make a good pension. This is enough for most people. To avoid misunderstandings, I do not despise this way of life. It's just that whenever I try to imagine that I am doing all these and nothing more, I can't accept it that this will be my life only. Without achieving anything important, without any higher significance. Before the demoscene, I had great scientists in my mind as an example.
So, looking back to my past I remember when I first had that idea, to feel a little important through programming. Of course, as a person I always lacked that precious self-esteem and in a sense I thought it would be a great way to gain it through something scientific. Like creating something that very few would have the courage to do. This was two years before I learned about the demoscene. I remember the exact moment when this happened. I also remember that the feeling of being important or doing something of great importance was inside me at a much earlier age.
Somehow this grew up on me and became something like a very serious focus. It also met a lot of hard obstacles in it's way (sometimes I blame my parents for their attempts to drive me away from this without my will and I do wonder whether it would make any difference if they had left me entirely free to express my demoscene dreams or would I still be at the same condition even if they left me alone), a lot of disappointments and basically "stole" a lot of years from my life. Although, I would be the last person to say that something is a waste of time or look back at my path and say it was meaningless, this is still a point I would sometimes like to think about.
So, would this mean that: 1) I had a strong focus in my life on something I considered important, 2) I spent a big part of my life into this, regardless the obstacles, the sorrows, the dissapointment, 3) ????????
Did I got bored? Did I felt like the demoscene doesn't give me anymore what I want? Do I still wish for that significance ten years after or is it just a remaining habit to wake up in the morning and think what to do today that is significant and has something to do with the demoscene? Why don't I just shut up and follow what I always wished for? If not, can't I get that "importance" from other casual activities? Is it enough for me that some friends tells me that I am important to them, what I want to hear, not what the truth is? Can I find a new activity outside the demoscene that has the elements of "important" (something like science or arts) or would I fall again in the same pitfalls that brought me in despair? Can I just quit and have a normal life? Will I ever abandon my dreams? Or will they kill me before I do so?
The three is a big one. The big clue to why and what to do next. I'll think a bit more about it and maybe (or maybe not) post my conclusions another day.