Sometimes I wake up and have this strange feeling. That my dedication for the scene is over but somehow I cannot perceive that. What drives me still wanting to code new demos is some kind of habit, an after-effect of that old force with no drive anymore. It feels like being in a zombie condition. Something from the past wants me to code new demos but the initial reasons that motivates me aren't there anymore. I think that my obsession with demomaking was a side effect of puberty at the beginning. Now, after 10 years this force doesn't have any effect anymore. What is left is a habitual desire to do something that still gives me a meaning in my life.
And that is another problem. The void that is left. Maybe another reason I cannot or don't want to understand that my desire for demomaking doesn't work anymore as it did in the past is that if I understand this, then I will find it more reasonable to quit, although I'll have to find something to fill the gap. Not just the creative gap (was I ever doing this activity for pure creativity or is that a lie?) but the one in my early days, maybe the need for recognition (which came in another form than what I had in my mind), maybe making my life feeling important. It wasn't bad, just an after-effect of puberty but now it's ten years after and I have not understood that it's not like those years anymore. It does make a sense why I can't get motivated. Because I am not in puberty anymore and don't need a self-esteem boost anymore.
But I do have a need for making my life worth living, I still need a meaning, I need to wake up and think I have accomplished something today. Yesterday in my great surprise I had that feeling of the past, that I have found something to fill the everlasting gap, something new and better suited for my current age. I had that same feeling which came suddenly as it spontaneously came in the past. I am not going to reveal what it is right now. It's not the obvious one, not a girl, not real life stuff. It might be silly and I just had it yesterday. Time will tell. Although some real life things I did lately (getting a job, renting a home, etc) opened another root in my life that helped me feel I am doing something (even in a different root than demoscene) worthy in my life. Things seem to move on in the positive direction.
And what about the demoscene? I still don't think I will quit so easily. What I am trying to do is to exorcise the ghosts of the past. A way, no matter how silly you may think it is, was to release the most ugly demo ever and try not to care about any negative or even positive comments at all. To do something and try to stare your reaction emotionless (if it is possible). To stop thinking about who thumbs up or down my release, to avoid being distracted and annoyed by what people think of my demos. I am doing this (and imagining this) everyday. What I am trying to do here is to break any preconceptions between myself and the scene. As I said in the nfo file this is a way to release my creativity burden, it really is also the lurking technique of Castaneda! Wat?
Maybe I'll do another demo that doesn't suck or two in the future. I still have to break that curse, creating a demo that I will finally like in terms of code and design, one that will not feel like a half-finished job but something complete in my eyes. It's a good reason for me to not quit the scene yet and try to do something good. It's not having to do with what sceners expect from me or what do I want from sceners. As I said, I have to break those connections, for they have a negative effect on me. It will be purely a test, a bet upon myself, whether I can finally do such a demo or not.
Many things will change. I am almost reaching thirty. I will be watching demos. I will be tempted to make something. But that initial dedication is rotten. I'd like to focus my energy on something else.
See you at Breakpoint.