Sunday, December 21, 2008


I had those dreams. Dreams of rage. Rage about the things as they are, rage about the past, rage as a relief or a means to shout at people or an excuse to accept things as they are, including me. An emotion that helps me to deny the things as they want it to be and understand me. Not even that. I don't even care if they understand. As if they ever tried to make a sense out of this..

Rage out of desperation. I get criticized. I believe them. And suddenly I realise that nobody really cares. They think they have the rights to make me feel miserable. And they think they are doing it for my good.

Rage about my past. About those young people who thought they had the right to treat me badly. How could they know? Do they know now? They thought they had the right. They still do..

In my dream, I was screaming. "I don't understand it! I don't understand it!". Maybe I don't want to understand it. I deny understanding it. I don't accept it. I had enought with it so I decided oneday to stop listening to it. Rage out of desperation and a hope of change. Will things ever change? Or am I bound to feel the same way?

I wish I went back to the past right now that I know, to react differently. To be straight and strict towards anyone who would like to tease me or harm me. To speak straight towards anyone who tries to criticize me. Because right now I do know better who I and which is my position in a society like this. But I am too hurt. I am wondering if this is the reason why I have lost all my energy.

They can't understand. They don't want to understand. At social situations you don't speak the truth but what people want to hear. There is no attempt to really look deep into the problem rather than present opinions as a show off that you and me are really into the same social circle. It creates a feeling of belonging. You exchange predictable opinions that puts you into a place of social acceptance. I cannot describe. I may be doing it too at times. Except when the truth matters to me. Others may be doing it and not being aware of. Maybe I will be or not be doing it in the future while being aware of the facade. An ironic or pesimistic feeling of how things are. Nobody ever cared about the truth..

I took everything seriously. There are the facts and there is cognitive dissonance. It's when you take every fact in account and you try to solve a puzzle. Things must make a sense. Both the facts about the world around you and the facts about yourself. The problem is that it is unsolvable. Maybe it's an evolutionary advantage to not trying to be one hundred percent perfect about your thoughts, your feelings and the world. Everything contradicts with each other and itself. Although I haven't chosen to think like this. I think it is in my brain. I can't but notice things that doesn't seem right. My mind or emotions can't easilly let discrepancies go.

When they criticized me they seemed serious to me. I was wrong. There are several other reasons to criticize people. Caring about what is really true and right is a rare one. The problem is that I took their criticism seriously. As if they showed a piece of the truth that made me feel awfully. And that truth was predictable, it was "common sense", it was one that everyone kept repeating again and again. It was my compulsive thoughts that lowered my self-esteem. But if it was true and if it was obvious then why are there people like me who are not like most people? Are they too stupid to understand what is right and what is wrong? Or are they stubborn?

For a long time I was lost in these questions. If people move on, if they are sucesful as students and workers, if they are social and not shy like me, have it easy with girls, are always looking cool and are not slow thinkers like me and they do not have the same cognitive problems as me then what am I doing wrong? Am I lazy? Am I stubborn? Am I stupid? Can I accept that? Do I have to feel that bad to change? Why haven't I still changed? If there is really a problem with me that justifies my unsucess then what can I say about people who claim that they were just like me and they tried and changed? Does this mean that I have no excuse? That I am just stupid, stubborn and every negative label the people who criticize me can give me? Why do they keep doing this when all they achieve is to kill more of my missing self-esteem and put me deeper in the ground? Do they believe that I will break and suddenly decide it's time to change my life? It never really happened..

So many years have past. After the initial point when the idea was first implanted in my brain. So many years during which I have evolved into ruminating thoughts concerning what I am and what other people think about me. In fact I kept being tortured by my very own thoughts. My thoughts which were their thoughts. Why? I don't understand it!!!

Out of rage I decided it's time to play the game my way.

I have made a split in three. About the truth and my connection to it.

  • The true facts

  • The facts that you tell to yourself

  • The lies you tell to others

In the past I had a great need of all three making perfect sense together. Which is quite naive. But I really needed for things to make sense. The truth (total objectivity), my feelings (facts compatible with my personality) and the ideas of the world (the social consensus). I always felt dissatisfied as expected. Most people even made me feel they already knew the truth (the obvious, the predictable memes of what is socially accepted and what is not) and that I was the naive and still puzzled. But the third factor is usually motivated by socialization and not the seek for what is really there. I learned that later. I thought people were based on the truth. Even if they thought they did, there were other motives. Not truth itself. Nobody really cared even if they made me think so.

It doesn't make a sense. Out of rage I decided to not care anymore. Seeking for the truth is going on, I can't stop it. It's interesting. It will go on. But I will stop caring about the rest. I managed after all these years to persuade myself to take another root concerning the personal feeling and social way (two and three). I can tell myself the facts I wish to make him feel better. It's not easy, while in slot one I will keep the possibility of the hard truth, but since I will never be sure about that I can speak of something else that myself prefers to think about. If (for example) I lost my job because I felt I was not competent one but nobody told me so, I only assumed they didn't tell me, then I can keep it as a possibility but say to myself that I did my job well and there were other acceptable reasons of why I had to be fired. And number three. Number three, what do I tell to others about that needs a whole paragraph itself. It's the game that we play and I never thought it was so until now.

Number three, the lies I'll tell to the others. Since I wrongly thought people were serious and they care about the truth, since it never occured to me to think that some people might criticize me because it makes them feel better by degrading me or thinking they try to help me just to feel nicer, since I never thought that even people seemingly criticizing me just wanted to say their opinions because that's the way someone socializes and they will of course refer to predictable and socially accepted facts instead of their own opinion, since this is a game where things are going bad for me because I am different and the common sense is incompatible to that, I decided that in number three is where I am gonna care the less. This can mean various things. It means that if someone criticizes me or asks for my opinion on something, I can play games and I can move towards any path. If I am in the mood I can speak of the truth as it is, as I feel it, as I prefer to feel it or I can also agree in a way without believing it in order to avoid the discussion or not become aggresive when I am not in the mood. I can make tricky questions, confuse them, give them examples that show the contradictions of what they tell me. Depends on the person, the mood, the situation, the fun. Since it's meaningless at number three then why not play the game people always did and never told me?

But rage remains. I want to get out and criticize those who criticized me. When people degrade those in need of self-esteem and they claim to be helping them, when they think they have the right as young persons to bully you at school and as grown up persons to criticize you for your incompetent life and when they feel they are doing right then it is the time when I want to get out and shout! There comes the time when I feel the urge to continue searching for the truth, because at the stake of it is where the game is played. The truth, the belief of what is right and what is wrong, and which of these "truths" are more common to the public, thus actions based on them are blindly accepted.

One thing remains. Why am I searching for the truth? Is it the truth itself or some motives? A thing of the past? Rage out of the fact that I don't know. I don't know what to believe. I don't know why am I here and why I am doing all these. I don't even know how to improve things in my life that may indirectly affect this urge. Millions of things in my mind and a blatant search for perfection.

Would just shouting do anything for me? What for? To ask for more later???

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