For some reasons I said that I would move away from my regular posts having to do with my life, the social delusion and anything similar I use to talk about. Maybe as a change, maybe so that I stop pissing and getting pissed by people or because I just wanted to write something about a different new subject (the skepticism/metaphysics issue).
However I had another impulse today. It won't make much sense to write it here I think (it won't change anyone who believes otherwise), maybe I will write some nicer or more clear ideas that gives some good reason of how things are (as if ever need an excuse to continue my own way of life :P) but since there I don't see any meaning in the far road I won't care.
I just want you to know this. I have since a long passed the moment where I stopped bothering so much about not being normal, having no life or how people see that upon me.
I am revived. I don't doubt much. The delusion that I am not normal or social can still make me worry but less. I have also learned to accept the thing that I am and recognize my needs. I have managed to neglect at a good percentage that feeling of me looking weird and that something is wrong about it. I have trained myself to see some important flaws in people who do the preaching to me, criticizing my way of life. And I see now that perhaps I am more normal than the people who claim I should be like all. The whole idea is a farse and I should be more angry for wasting negative emotions by worrying about it.
Random thoughts will follow..
I'd like to speak about "normal" a little more. However I am ashamed of using this word at all. The more I do the more I give power to it's tyranny. Normally if I abolished the word and trying to express myself without using it or any synonyms, it would be the way to present my different understanding of things without making any connection with the old established ideas. A different understanding, a different perception. The same good thing could happen by abandoning the words/meaning of "good" and "bad" or not using the term "hacker" because I think it just confuses things. The main problem here is that if I started writting my thoughts without mentioning these terms most people base their beliefs upon, I wouldn't be able to communicate my ideas to them. There are two ways to go through this. Either try to say what you have to say by using your own way of seeing things, trying to explain that these words are just ideas and there is a different perception. Because most people apparently won't dare to change their beliefs (and I won't blame them because I also won't change the way I see things), just have some fun mocking these meanings in a way that shows that something is going very wrong with our understand of things and the names we give to them enstrengthen our old establish perception of things if they only don't reflect what we want to hear and sounds familiar to us all the time.
In fewer words, it's normal that half of the population enjoys to inhale dirty smoke coming from a burning cylinder or thinks it makes you feel cool. It's normal to be the "cool" dude at a young age, meaning to also be involved in fights, cons or pranks because being the bad guy feels awesome. Yes, it's normal. At least some people would agree that some of these things are bad or unhealthy but it's normal because everyone does it and we got use to their image. From the other side of the story, it's not only abnormal but totally extreme when I engage into lonely walks or talking to myself. It's abnormal when I want to stay alone, it's abnormal to be obsessed with a higher goal that occupy most of my life instead of spending a lot of time outside on the beach. It's totally abnormal to be myself, it's mentally unhealthy to think too much while it would be quite normal to succumb to their will and be just like everyone else but not yourself. How normal is that?
Don't get me wrong. There is something painful here. Even me who have fought against this farse with passion, still have my doubts. You know why is that? Because I was raised in a world where you hear these beliefs around you each day. From your parents, from your friends, from the internet, from the TV. Ask me what looks good and what looks bad: 1) A cool dude, has a life, girlfriend, job, kids. 2) A lifeless geek sitting everyday in front of his computer, chasing a goal he may never reach. I would feel like saying 1st and then deny it! YES. Because the 2nd looks ugly even to me. Do I want to look ugly you'd ask? How can I refute this now???
Thanks to god (or evolution :) I can see things via the light of logic. In fact that's the problem here. Some of my emotions are making me feeling bad about my image, about my ugly way of life. But my logic tells me elsewhere.
In fact my logic tells me (after more than five years of research into how and why I feel so and what kind of a person am I really) that there are mixed feelings in me. Some of them are making me feeling bad about the way I look and live. Maybe this is because I have learned to dislike the image of the lifeless geek as it was negatively portrayed through the media or society. But there are some other feelings which make me stubborn and doesn't let me to simply accept this. This is because I am the ugly geek.
I have come into the conclusion that I can't change what I am. What I mean is that I can't change the internal base of me but I can discover more about my true nature and accept it. Even use it in a way that I don't suffer so much in a society that is not made for me. It's all about the needs. And it's also about what your needs ask you in return. For example, if I really really really loved a girl, one that I should change entirely myself in order to approach her, maybe I would do it. It would be both a really great struggle to either change who I really am or not being engaged to her. Big needs and big gives. If the struggle of change wasn't there, I would have already done it and we wouldn't be discussing it. Although the struggle remains while I don't believe in love..
For example, being social. I don't need to be social. I don't feel lonely. I am everyday surrounded by people and I hate it. There are occasions of people with social anxiety who although are really in a need of people. They can't handle being lonely. As much as they can't handle being social. They really do want and they really can't! The big need is to not be alone. And the big struggle is to stay social. In my case, it's sometimes a struggle (because of anxiety) and sometimes a burden (because of another need to be ocupied by a greater goal where I need to avoid any distractions) to be social. And there is purely no big need from the other side! I can survive being alone, sometimes I even enjoy being alone and doing things myself. Why bother?
Because they made me bother. Because they made me feel bad about who I am. Because there was never a problem bothering me. But they told me something is wrong with me. I can't be this way! Something must be wrong. I will be sad thay said..
This was the only impulse that motivate me to leave my bigger focus for a night and go out with friends. Really, this! Because if I did, I would think that for a single night I was not a miserable lifeless geek and had a life instead. Some people asked me, am I doing this because I want? Or because I am simply oppressed to do this in order to believe that I am having a life for once? The funny thing is that the same people who understand this, want me to want to be social. Though, naturally I will never want this so badly. But they want to see that on me while it's never gonna happen this or the other way. But they insist that it's all wrong and are eager of the time I will naturally want. Why do I have to need to be social? If I am happy otherwise?
You know what that means? I don't have my own true impulse to be social. I don't need to. Of course when some friends visit the city I live, friends that I have a long time to see, I am really motivated to meet them after all these months. When I want to inform about my news, speak about demos or programming, talk about something not casual but interesting to me, I am motivated. For the purpose. Not for being social. I mean, what means "social" afterall? Am I being social just for being social? For feeling good with myself being social that night? You know what? I am social! I am everyday surrounded by people!!! And I hate it..
This is a joke. I don't need to be social in the way most people mean it. But I am not closed in a cage. I see people even if I don't want to. I see people at home, in my job, outside in the city. Maybe I don't have enough friends but I don't need too many. But I am social. In my own way. And I am normal. I am normal because I try to find who I really am and follow that path. Abnormal would be to pretend being something else, to be like everyone else because that's the false image of "normal".
Not many would understand. Because they can't see things the way I do. And I don't blame them. It's all about needs. They have different needs. They need to avoid being lonely. The need to speak about casual things. They need to feel social, fit in an accepted image, not looking ugly to the rest. I don't say they don't. But they pitty me. They pitty me because what I am is against their image, opposite to their needs of feeling normal or not being lonely. They can't understand that I am alright. They would feel sad in my position. I was feeling sad by doubting myself, by hating what I am because that's what these people taught me to do. I think that the worst that ever happened was that I believed them. I let them play with my emotions. Because they thought I had to be helped. They thought that something was wrong with me and they claimed to know the answer. Bitterness is all I got and a false image of myself, a wrong idea of what my needs are.
I have found out some funny facts. The first fact is that maybe I am more normal than the people who preach about "normal". The second fact is that most life preachers (and the less persuasive of them) are ex-geeks in disguise. They are similar to the dude who recently stopped smoking and just started breaking the balls of the remaining smokers, trying to force them cut their habit too. Really! I have no proof but I can see it. Those are the most annoying cases! The third fact is that a really normal person is too rare. And he is the one who would bother the less. Normal as in free. Content with themselves and accepting of any differing person. And they don't even tell. I have met people who resemble this feeling. It's amazing! They may not be geeks, but "normal" as the image or mixed with geeky elements but not showing, while that image just happens to be their natural thing. Unchanged, unaffected, free. They just are and let things be.
"Normal" is a farse. "Social" is a joke. Everyone has different needs and a different price to pay for them. These two variables define who we are and how we choose to act in our lifes. Nobody has a word to this expect each one of us for him/herself. Not many will understand this right though and some might react, however I can imagine these people as another obstacle, another variable to take in account, as another price to pay for the need to stay me and just move on.
p.s. I am really eager for a new House M.D. episode now. Maybe in a few days and then another week of wait each time. I shouldn't be seing something like 6 episodes per day :P