Monday, July 14, 2008

What's the matter with me?

They tell you that things are logical. They say that life is simple and that I am making things hard. Then they tell me to be myself.

I try to be myself and the same people don't like it. Maybe the want me to be myself but not THAT "myself". Ok,. fuck the hypocrites!

There are some things I want to change in myself but I can't. They say that perhaps I am fine the way I am or that I haven't decided what I want yet. All these sound good. Yet I am stuck with a handful of questions.

I was always ruminating in these questions. For various reasons. Some would say that endless discussion about the thing I should do but am not doing is just a way to avoid direct action and give it more and more time. That I should stop analyzing things and just DO IT.

I always opposed to this plan. Act without thinking it too much. If you manage to do it then it works and the problem is solved. Kinda cyclic thought. You can't do it because you don't do it. Just do it and you have solved the problem of not doing things. Yes, but what is the inner reason for this? This way is like treating the symptoms of a disease without discovering the source, which can fire up again in the future. Put a gun in my head and tell me for example to stop eating crap and make a diet. Do that for a month and the leave me at my mercy. Nothing is cured. I will finally be free to continue with my old habit of overeating (which was never cured, only my passion for food was oppresed).

Say about the problem of procrastination. I want to study hard for the exams but I can't (just an example, I am not studying these days). I say that I can't. I am feeling oppresed. I am getting lazy. It's too much for me. But I have to. Someone said to my brother and then he told it to me, that there is a vicious circle which makes you anxious to study. Being anxious to study, studying becomes unbearable. And then you hate it. And so you can't study. And if you can't study while you must, you are oppresed more and you hate it. But if you hate it you won't start studying. And if you don't start studying you won't get past of this block. Classic vicious circle. The solution? To just do it. Logical yes! And it works. I can also observe it in democoding, pretty much overwhelmed with the idea that I want to start democoding but I can't. I feel a great bad pressure even by the idea of starting to do it. But if I forget my feelings for a moment and start it as a robot, later I get used to it and the fact that I have started makes me less overwhelming and I work well. Regardless though that I know this little fact it hasn't helped me because the next day I am too stubborn to even use that little trick. But I have found a different way that is more satisfactory atm..

But this comes back into the "JUST DO IT => SEE? YOU HAVE DONE IT!" cyclic logic that I hate. Someone would argue that the fact that I hate it is the same reason for why I didn't reused the trick every time I feel like procrastinating, I was simply too stuborn to adapt the trick because I wouldn't like to think that the answer is so simple. And maybe they have a point.

Also something else I notice is that most things in psychology (especially in popular psy) is that it is very much based on empirical facts. And how wouldn't it be? Empirical means to proove something based on your senses. Like, hey this worked for me so it must be the solution!. I am ok with that though. The worse thing that I am not ok with is: If this worked for me then it should work for everyone.

Sometimes I think that some psychological beliefs could work like a placebo. If you make someone believe that some action makes him happier then it works for him and he feels better each time he does this. For example, I could tell you that jumping three times on the air while clapping your right hand with your left foot and say foliba, is a great psychological technique to make you feel better then you might do this and maybe it happens that you feel great at the same time and believe it. Then you do it again while believing it works and it maybe does so. After few times this action corresponds with feeling better in your brain and it just works :P

A little exagerated example. I do hate it when they tell me that I should be unhappy because of some things missing from my life (and this works well as a negative placebo, I correspond unhapiness with not having a real life as most people thing of it) and they tell me to try being more social, go to the gym or do other real life activities that they think makes you naturally happy. And they insist. They wonder how can I not like some of the aspects of real life. And they think that maybe I haven't tried to get into them so much. It's like when you say that you don't like coffee and they ask you how can you not like coffee? Have you tasted every flavor of coffee? Twice? At the end, they will put you to drink too much coffee that you will start liking it so much that it gets addictive :P

Maybe I am getting to realistic. Unrealistic they would say..

Although, I am making this very critical question to myself: Even if some of the psychological tricks (and also the real life parts that I am missing) do work well enough as placebos that try deceive ourselves into believing we are well and doing something in our lives, why not just do it and forget my insistence for truth, why not just get the happiness that I want?

Another question that I ask is: Is it maybe that being a realistic miserable being instead of an ignorant happy person, is an important part of my personality that has been sculptured through the years that now I can't change? Am I intentionally stuborn and reactive against the fact that life could be more simple than I think, that I am confusing things without reason, or that I don't want to admit that all those common people I dislike have right and I have wrong?

A question (or set of questions) used to relieve me from the anxiety of the previous one is: Don't I act and think the way I am? When I started as a child, without any complex or dislike for certain people and certain believes, wasn't I so pure so that I should have most probably chosen the easy way of life and not the complex one of denial and questioning myself about things?. I mean,. my current personality was not just a choice but the result of other variables that made some parts of real life either harder or more boring for me. I am not the way I am because I am 100% stubborn. There is a reason..

I think that things like a great conscience or higher sensitivity led me into 1) more struggle, 2) bigger awareness of what's going around me and in me.

But why not lie to myself for the real life stuff and search for the truth only when I am into philosophical thoughts? I mean, being the real life guy at day and the deep thinker at night? Why can't I compromise? Why am I stuborn to follow ways that may feel like deceiving myself but work well for what I want to achieve in real life? Maybe because if I am highly aware that it's all about placebo then the trick doesn't work? Yes and not only that..

Can I preserve the feeling of how things work and see the whole thing as a game? In fact I am currently playing into this scheme and it works sometimes. I don't have to think about being social all the time, regardless if I am ackward sometimes it is a game afteralls thus I shouldn't be taking into seriously. Even if some people try to criticise you (which make you think that people actually take things seriously and then you forget for a while that it's a game) you should still think that even their criticism is a part of the game. The great concept that people actually lie and everything is a role playing that looks like serious stuff but it isn't has helped me lately a lot into the process of stop taking things too seriously.

Also, I am really eager to find the truth, not just treat the symptoms. I live for the truth. Especially when what I really need to solve now is the puzzle of myself.

Forget people. Let's try me. I had another of these questions (and the initial reason for opening this thread, but the endless writting drove me out of subject) about things I cannot change on myself even if I'd like.

I had a tooth pain today. And I was angry. Angry about myself.

I have given answers that are about 50% satisfactory. Answers about my lack of self esteem, low social life, obsessive focus in hobbies, my anxiety, my sensitivity, etc. But there is another thing in myself, some would say preety bad thing, that I cannot explain. And it matters.

Say about the tooth. I had to wash my teeth for ...months? How am I even not ashamed about writting this one at all? And now they hurt. Of course. And now I try to wash them because they hurt. And also visit the dentist too. I am fine with the dentist and I like the technology that we have to make things fine. But why don't I use another technology called toothpaste for my teeth every day? It's certain that when my teeth are fixed and stop being a pain I will forget everything about mouth hygiene for months again. Maybe it's a bit of a struggle to spend 5 minutes each night to do the job but how much is it to really do this for a few portion of my time to not have this great badass pain in the future? Not speaking yet about taking care of myself or looking good.

The problem is global. I am not motivated to wash myself, get shaved, wear clean clothes, actually taking care of myself. Either for hygiene reasons or good looks. And I think that hygiene is a little motivation for me but not enough. Taking care of myself is more weak. Or maybe I do care about my intelectual self (which has gone bad too though) but not for my physical self. I really need to solve this specific corner of the puzzle of myself!

Sometimes I try to think about the motivation people have to do all these hygiene rituals every fuckin day? I try (I wish I could) to get into their heads. If I ask them, they tell me rational things like "I care for myself", "It's good, everybody does it", etc. But I can still not get it. I don't get something that shows it comes from inside them. I don't get what motivates them so hard to do it or what are their strong emotions. I don't even know if there is also a negative emotion that drives them against doing it and if it is, most probably their possitive motivations come stronger here. It's not a big deal, just few minutes from my day. I think that if there was a button near my bed which I could push and magically take care of my basic hygiene each night, it would be such a small effort that maybe I wouldn't bother with my limited motivation. So fucked up thoughts!

But it happens! I don't care. Then if I don't care why don't I just shut up? Why don't I stay as lazy as this? Because some things matter. They say that if I don't bother to take care of myself (to like myself?) then how should a girl care about me? (in few words: I am doomed) I don't know if this is true but from another point of view, if I don't work with my physical self to gain some self-confidence then how am I going to approach a girl? Also, I care about my future health, like loosing some (a lot of) weight. I really do care about that but I can't :(

There is a little bit of difference between the two. For mouth hygiene there is no strong reason against it. But there isn't any motivation in spending five minutes too. I say this to myself, if the effect and cause were closer, if to not wash my teeth today would result in feeling pain tomorrow (and I could observe the correlation easilly) then I would possibly do it. But when I do the washing ritual and feel like there is no reason (because there will be no difference tomorrow) I just get bored. This isn't the same as with some nasal allergy that tortures me for years, where I can see the difference of taking or not taking a pill (although sometimes I intentionally don't take a pill for a day in hope that my organism learns to fight it alone). I can't think long-term.

About my weight (the differences), there is a strong motivation against loosing some. I like food. I really like food! (who wouldn't?) Maybe I am not eating really really much compared to some lucky persons with really good metabolism. But in order to loose weight I have to sacrifice a lot. And for a long period. And I even have to unlearn the fact that food is good. At least I am more motivated to fight it too. It's much worse for my future health. It's more important for my confidence with girls. It will even make me feel lighter. And there is more in the list. But food is such a passion!

Both have the same variable though. They ask for long term trials. The good results come much much later than the initial struggle. In order to work with them and keep going for a long time, you don't have to think of the result, rather than making good hygiene your new habit. I even have to forget the idea that "food is pleasure". But how can I when this is a lie? Funilly enough, a friend tells me it isn't (after a long two year diet). He really believed into it. He didn't tell me "You know,. I had to believe that it isn't in order to kill my old habits but I know that it is, though I don't speak about this so much because it might remind me my old habits again". He just told me that it isn't, strictly, like he believes and always believed it. I find this very strange if not funny? How can someone manipulate himself so hard to not see a fact in order to protect himself? And I am asking myself again, is it my greater awareness that kills me in everything that I do? That doesn't allow me to believe some lies, to deceive myself, so that things just work?

Of course I could help myself with a diet while going to the gym or something. But I do hate the gym and maybe I am afraid to see other people there. Maybe just doing some other exercise could be the same. No need to go to the gym that is so trendy and people also say it makes you happier (but imho in the placebo sense of "makes me happy, makes all happy, I do what people do, everybody does, it works, new habit that deceives ourselves into feeling we are doing something") and I should do it. I don't know. But I should find something, anything. I am only afraid about time. If I can't give 5 minutes to wash my teeth how can I spend an hour per day (or even some days) for this when I don't like it? While also sacrificing more from my food habit? And then trying to take care of my other aspects? I mean,. I can't even take care of 10% of myself, all the new habits would be a mountain of struggle to me!

I am helpless..

Hmm,. for some there is more. When people try to take care of themselves, there are other aspects someone can get better. The importants except from hygiene are sociability and girls. Some have girls as a sport. Me who cannot even reach one would have to look at this people as unreachable. Not that I want to reach their mastery, even a single not great looking girl would do in my current state. I am not seeking for a career here. Hopefully I have learned to not care much about being too social or wishing to be the best fucker. I just try to accumulate the additional struggle someone might have to endure in order to do all these. Not talking about people having it naturally. For some maybe these things are not such a struggle at all. (Don't tell me that we are all the same. If it was so easy as you claim I wouldn't be here to write about. There is a reason, not a choice, that I am missing these things.) But there are people who at least claim they were like me and changed a lot. I wonder if they were entirely like me or if my struggle was 3 times bigger than their struggle which was 2 times bigger than a purer dude getting along with real life easilly.

And then I wonder this. Am I just stubborn? Would I fuck my life, would I deny the good things of life just because of choice? And after so many years would I insist? And after so many people criticised me and told me the same shit, other less arrogant people gave me ideas that although are so predictable now and they don't answer at my big questions at all, after so much interactivity with people, why things don't change for me? At least the things that I would like to..

..and I am thinking. Maybe my laziness is not "normal". Normal in the biological sense. I really really need to search about it. I know that you might react (because everyone likes the purposeful psychological explanation or the rational solution but not the medical one, for various reasons) but what can I do when I have heard every good or bad reasons about my problems here, when I have listened to every rational or psychological answer for like eight years, when I even know everything that you will say to this and yet nothing has changed?

If someone gets arrogant at me and criticises me that all I do is stick my head in my ass (as some asshole wrote in the past) then I would beg to him to give me an answer, an answer to all this, to the puzzle of myself, what's the matter with me? It may seem too absolute but if that answer doesn't satisfy myself, if it doesn't help at all in my special case, if it doesn't even give me a clue I haven't thought before then it is no answer at all. It's all so easy to not be myself and criticise me from that safe position that I am just a lamer who needs to wake up. If you are arrogant and insisting on this position once a time, I am five times more serious against that. Afteralls it's all a matter of myself and I do know better.
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