Monday, June 16, 2008

Yet another emo post..

..I just got confused.

Not by something specific really. Even though if I'd tell you the details, any of you would start blaming a specific thing either on myself or something else.

But it's not specific. It's a little existential crysis fired by several different ideas. I have maybe a month to code for a demo or something so that my neural cells are occupied by something more creative than the philosophical thoughts. Even if I do my best with them. Someone would think I am just escaping with clouds of thoughts and excuses instead of doing something good in my life. But is it that? Or can't I see the truth because it totally erases my conscience as a being, the one I am with the emo or ego capabilities? I don't know what I wrote so the mess will start..

I just..

..I just returned (or that was yesterday) from Athens. This has nothing to do but I just write. I had to show the amigaaaaahhh demos to the DJ projector. Ok,. because it was in a bar and when people came they played irrelevant music while showing the demos after a while and this sucked a bit but I do understand. Anyways, the meeting with retro computers was kinda retro and underground (Where are theeeee people you'd ask?) but it was great to meet some people and for the first time I could see some oldschool hardware I never ever seen in real life, like the Vectrex (staring at teh screen, where are teh pixels???) or an Atari800XL with some SD card or somethign, CPC runinng sSymbos, first time to watch some AtariSt demo in real hardware, lot's of fun watching Amiga demos. I also met with some friends I had a long time to see in Athens at night and slept at their place which was great..

..but that was a pause.

In the trip I was reading a book about 2012. My friend Antitec is telling me a joke about these stuff. Also a funny prank dialogue it could be great like a Monty Python's sketch or something maybe:

publisher: You know.. 2012 is toooo close.
writer: Yeah, so?
P: We need to push it 1-2 years maybe?
W: Why?
P: Eerr,. 2013 or 2014? Just to sell for a bit more years..
W: Arrrgghh.
P: 2012 is too close for our economical estimations. The people might know till then.
P: Just a little?
W: Maybe 1-2 months?
P: NOOO!!! A year or two!
W: But I'll have to change a lot of the text..
P: Just a little Find/Replace!
P: We need mooooore years! It's too close..
W: Ugh :P

Ok, you get the point. And it's not very funny because I don't have a talent and writting but you should hear antitec satirizing the whole craze :)


So,.. I was just travelling for 6 hours with bus and 6 hours for train back and almost finished that book. All these authors will make you believe. They write in a way they seem credible and if you want to believe you will. Why do I react? I am always fascinated in these conspiracy/paranormal stories. My friends think I am a fool. But should I 100% debunk them? Or should I 100% believe these things?

There is something inside me. Two powers fighting. Sometimes, I joke to myself, I'd like to be focused in one side. Then I would be either a "skeptical" debunker or a uncritical believer (towards the one side of the story/myth because there are several different interprenations according to your religious/ethnic/personal beliefs). While as a person, as I said I think I am more emotional while holding a strong analytical side, more of a believer than a skeptical debunker (I feel that skepticism these days is mostly about debunking. But what can you do with all the junk around? It's just me who neither want to debunk 100% of the myths, nor do I want to simply believe them.

I feel like there are two worlds between me. But it's like two chains dragging me from the opposite sides. It's painful. I can't decide, I can't even believe to myself. If I follow the way of believing to myself (whatever that means) I would find a reactive self trying to debunk the elements that made me believe at first. But this doesn't let me at ease. Sometimes you just have to believe and follow in order to move in life. BUT I DON'T WANT TO. And yet I do..

..what a schizophrenic condition is that? But I think in another sense it's unique and it's the best in order to find the truth. If I was more of a believer I would stop at say 10% of the truth and crystalize my beliefs till the end of my life. I would hardly learn more. Now that there is a defensive mechanism that pushes me away from believing anything it helps me move one and learn more. But the same mechanism doesn't let me believe even the simplest thing and has me doubt about ANYTHING!!! So, I can't even believe to myself or I can't even answer with certainy for any good reason my life is as it is. It's even hard to fight back towards the believes that want my life to suck and that I have to get a life in the way they ask me to. No, todays I can easier,. I have gone away. But the questions still remain..

And they were opened today.. among with that one, why do I like the paranormal? Some say I try to find an escapage or thing I can unlock special powers or the power to immortality to make my life better. BUT NO!!! At least, consciously, I don't think this is the reason I am into it. There is no reason. For the same reason why computers or astronomy or science fascinates me, for the same reason the unexplained phenomena can hook me up. Without asking for some use! (Others might do try to find a use, but not me)

But then the 2012 book,.. btw you don't need to tell me things I already know, that there was catastrophology for 195osomething, 197osomething, 2000(Y2K) but nothing happened. I am not reading it in order to protect myself or anything. I READ ALL THESE CRAP BECAUSE THEY ARE JUST FASCINATING!!! (Regadless if they are based on facts or someone wants to make money)

The 2012 was a bit more credible in a sense because it didn't mixed several chaotic things paranormal myths mix, like aliens and stuff and religion, but took a analytical view distant from any religious, ethnic or other beliefs. And there were few facts (while there were still conclusions that sounded silly and I wasn't sure about) that made it so guilable that made me think "It's too good to be true".

But something, something,.. what if there are evidence that sound or seem so guilable? What if I can see posts on the internet? How would I know they are not made up? What if there are videos? Someone can make a sci-fi video from his home. It's like a movie where we can see ancient archeological skeletons and UFOs in the sea, ancient temples, UFOs, technological bases, etc. There is no difference from reality. How can we know even from picture/video that there are evidence? For years people were asking for true evidence of UFO/Alien and they like to see image/video stuff, but you can make the best thing and not see any difference. What's next? Maybe being there??? And what if it's an illusion?????

What if we were living in a Matrix. What if we went out of the Matrix to the "real" world. What if this real world was also a Matrix inside a Matrix inside a Matrix. Where is real? Why do I seek for real? Maybe the universe isn't based on an idea of real/not real? (If I sense it it's there, unreal is something I can't sense so it doesn't exist. But real needs an unreal to distinguish. So it doesn't exist alone?)

Btw,. the author had the famous skeleton giant picture hoax somewhere. I had seen that thing and said WOW at first. Then I read about the hoax debunking. I said ok, if I see someone using the photo as "evidence" for his strange mythology, I will instantly think something stinks. And then the "credible" author had the photo. And I said what if he didn't know about the hoax. Would it make the rest of the book not credible? And then he said he know about the hoax but that it's made up to look like it and that the photoshop contest was made after to hide the truth. I don't know what to believe. Maybe I should investigate. But I have no time. I could either read texts for believers or other texts from skeptic and say "Yo! These guys are right!!!" without investigating. But that's not enough for me. Though I don't have time or motivation to investigate into this chaos :(

Carl Sagan had an allegoric story about someone claiming he has caught a dragon in his garage. He asks for some evidence and the dude opens the garage and the dragon is not there. He claims that the dragon is invisible. Then the skepdic says, ok I'll throw some powder and see that it leaves some marks upon the body, that the powder doesn't fell on the floor. And there is no invisible dragon but the believer says, no wait, he is probably flying or gone to another dimension atm, etc, etc. That explains it!

And that's the problem with believers. They made up, made up, made up, cover up their beliefs with more. The forums, the ufo hunters, the paranormal researchers, the believers,. all these years with either speculations or building up their belief systems and huge pile of myths that try to connect everything of the paranormal nature in one thing. Of course I can understand it (and not all researchers were out of their minds, there are some seemingly serious credible ones that I like their way of thought) because these phenomena are not something that stays all day/all night there so that you can do repeatable experiments on it as science wants. It's something (if exists) out of our reach, maybe in my opinion from an extra dimension or another plane or something that visits our consciousness for a little while and then gets our of our reach. Not everything is rubbish, there are some stories that at least the way they are represented are very credible and some elements that can still not be explained. But I think the whole paranormal thing is at a dead end. I think..

..and this just saddens me sometimes. To tell you the truth, I do like the work that skeptics (even as fanatic debunkers of these things) do because a great percentage of the people will blindly believe anyways. Yes, not 100% of the phenomena is rubish, there is some truth there I believe, there is something strange happened, it's just that 95% of the things out there is confusing true research and frustrates anyone who would like to learn what's going on really. These kind of skeptics is a counterbalance towards this. I don't think they will manage to make us all fanatic skeptics and despise the phenomena, because anyways they have lost the battle (but maybe not the war), because anyways people will believe. However logically you can take on these subjects (either as fanatical skeptic debunker or true skeptic researcher) people will still prefer to just believe

As I tend to do sometimes. Hopefully my skeptic power (my reactive self) tells me to be more cautious. I sometimes post paranormal things but not meaning them, more like a joke or a "what if it would be true (fiction/reality mix)" thing. I don't know. I mock the reptilian shit in youtube from an alternative account where I also have favorites some paranormal video, either they seem credible or even the one I KNOW they are hoaxes, because of the atmosphere they make. I mock what I love. A "schizophrenic" condition (don't take this literary :).

I am a contradiction of myself.

..but then I say that I am between two worlds. And that this is the only way to understand..

I hope this gets me somewhere. I thought something else. My delirious talks could be great emo scene poetry for my next demoz :PPP


Optimus said...

I think that another problem here is that I am too eager to know. I am not patient enough. Some could go for creativity. Everything in it's time..

p.s. But if I would just stay there and do nothing and wait. Of course if I had the motivation I would. And don't tell me about the middle solution because I don't see there is a clear one. At least for my case..

Optimus said...

I just found out I am not making sense in here :P

Locations of visitors to this page