Thursday, June 19, 2008

Trying to put things in order..

There was no real reason for blowing things up. The things to blame are only occasional. I am still into theory that something can drop my mood for no apparent reason or actually make me too sensitive to everything. Not just theory, but something I can feel it exists even if I can't prove it. It just happened again and made me decide that alcohol was the only solution that night.

When the mood disorder happens, I am still sucked into thoughts trying to find a "logical" reason for what is happening to me, what is the meaning of life, why do I have to face my doubts, my fears, etc. And I do find "reasons", there are things I like and things I have learned to hate so there is always a connection. When I am getting more sensitive because my brain just functions this way, I am still trying to find "connections". While maybe there is noone. I just had a mood disorder and there is noone to blame. Which confuses me more. It's either the labyrinth of my thoughts or meaninglessness :(

I am happy that I was banned from Pouet for a while. I am sad because I did what I always do when I get banned or decide to step off. The next day after the big boom I am curious about people's comments. And when I see myself lurking into yesterday's oneliners trying to find a mention of my stupidity and wanting more I am get really sad. There is a strange psychopathology that I used to express it through victimization and drama even years before I joined the demoscene. Someone would call me an attention-whore for that. I accept the term but it's all getting me sad. Why and when did I acquired this psyche? Why do I like to think of myself as a dark hero or a sad philosopher? Why when I put these characterizations on my mouth, most people automatically react as I just said that "I am a highly sorrowful intellectual who nobody understands me and that's making me special"? Or do I? And if I do why can't I see the problem and why people are allergic to this? And what if regardless if it's right or wrong to write about myself, this is still what I am and I can't stop it?

Sad. I feel overwhelmed by the after effects of my act. Overwhelmed by what people would think about me, whether I am an attention-whore and if I should feel guilty about it, how can I come back embarrassed after what I did. How can I face the world again. And I am afraid that I will face it the same way as before. This could be my greatest fear but it isn't because it's not a condition that comes, it's something that is already a chronic habit. But isn't it natural? Don't humans have habits and the most usual attempt of change being to change your bad habits and move into something new? Well, that's what I am trying to do for another time. But I am overwhelmed by thoughts, however still not the problem for the breakdown. There might be no problem. How can there be no problem?

Another thing that makes me sad is the possibility that I am making all this up, unconsciously. This is the scariest thing and I am afraid to look at it's face. My biggest fear is to confess that things are very simple, solutions are easy to follow and there from the start, it was just me who really didn't wanted to change. It was me who tried to preserve my sad condition so that it fits to my depressed loner personality image. Yes, I have thought of the possibility. That I am blocked from changing some things because this would make my life shinny happy and I don't want that! Not only would it break down the personality I've build so far but it would be like accepting that I was the asshole and "the others" where always right!

I do recognize my wicked fixation here. But I do react. I actually resist! In "their" opinion I should face "the truth" and kneel to the common opinion. Maybe they don't see it that way. But I do know that if I accept it, it's like empowering their common belief system that everything is simple and the same truth exists for everyone, the truth of everyday life. It's like throwing away everything, my whole fixation of finding a different truth than the predictable ones that you get bored to hear everyday. It's like killing myself (my personality). It's just not gonna happen!

Notice my obsession with the term predictable. It refers to that feeling, when you socialize with people and hear the same things, same quotes, same beliefs, same ideas, same "predictable" phrases, literally the common opinion. Things everyone has heared and throws around as a mental meme, maybe sometimes without giving it a second thought but just because everyone says so and thus it sounds right. It's all the same around, especially working greatly in socialization because when you say something that 99% of the people expect to hear and nod in agreement, you feel socially connected under a common sense. I think that being naive and just throwing out beliefs that most people will positively identify as common sense of the community is a very important part of socialization. And I hate it!!!

Yes, I sound so bad. People would think I am wrong. The common sense says so. Thinking like this is antisocial and if someone should praise something, this is the social factor. You don't fuck with social or anything promoting it (like being naive and speaking of what people want to hear, not what is true (as if there was something?)). I want to be honest with myself, I'd like to speak of the truth as I perceive it without any restrictions, not just playing a social role. But since I've chosen to socialize, you'd even see myself sometimes to succumb into the role and maybe not speak literary, but move through social occasions under pressure and just listen to what people say without being able to react.

Hopefully enough I am not the guy who would gladly show his frustrations in a social event through the stereotypical way of a geek that bumps into a discussion just to correct something as it should be in it's unique format (to break our balls because something is not said as it should :P). I just listen and maybe I am feeling sad about some things said even though rarely I could get into the same bad mood as that geek if only the subject really matters me and I feel like I have to react. Generally I avoid to hassle with others for some stupid idea except if I have reasons. So I might seem quite less fanatic and much more accepting in social occasions regardless what I show here at times. It's already bad anyways, could be worse if I was truly a misanthrope (Still, I can really understand these people. I just don't share their arrogance against some trivial matters. I think that in my current mood I'd like to start watching some House M.D. episodes :P)

So, what do we have here?

The fact that sometimes (also yesterday), a chemical imbalance (aka higher sensitivity, just wondering if the pouet oneliner motto was purely coincidental? :P) might be responsible even though my mind tries to find connections, meanings to my everyday life aspects. Trying to find what's wrong and what is missing from my life while it could be just a chemical balance or acceptance of this fact and not let it drive me into more sorrow.

The realization (and confession actually) that some sever personality fixations (that age more than 10 years back) might be responsible for my condition and maybe sometimes I even ask for sadness so that it fulfills the wicked image I have of myself. Also, my terrible fear of facing this possibility and my resistance against change in this domain, because entirely changing here is like killing that fixated personality which might lead me into deeper depression and loss of the remained meaning.

The idea that what I need here is harmony (I used to call it serenity but I decided that harmony is more identical to the initial idea). I should meditate a bit more and try to put some of the things in order. I don't need to dismiss my old personality, make a 180 degrees turn and become a common person. I can still be me, the special me, but with a little moderation and acceptance of some facts that I am afraid to face. Especially I have to stop doubting whether I should keep my little wicked dark hero fantasy or transform entirely into a "normal" person and totally despite what I once used to believe. I don't have to make this shift even if most of you would wish because it is supposed to be normal like the rest (common belief which states that anything which deviates, especially a fixation seeming dangerous as in my case, is not socially accepted and should be "cured").

And yet I could write more about my fixations with truth but that's for another post. I'll still have to think a lot in order to place things in order and manage that hard balance between what I think (logic) and what I feel (heart?).

I still have this bitter feeling because I doubt.


Anonymous said...

It's alright to consider a lot of things a farce, and to share that understanding with one or two people close to you. It happens more often than you think. You want people to be comfortable, and for someone to understand.. so you get by.

Anonymous said...

Anyway.. I'll suggest a vacation again. Perhaps something somewhat challenging in Asia, Africa, or whatever. I figure heading out for a while is the old solution to feeling that things are wrong and knowing that it's in you.. rather than visiting a psychologist in an attempt to change yourself directly as things remain the same.

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