Sunday, June 22, 2008


..aka solution #43 (Yet another valuable reflection on things, yet not THE truth. But do I need the truth instantly on my hands or just continue searching and doing new things?)

..anyways, it's interesting.

I am still not aware about a lot of things happening in my brain. Not even the possitive ones so that I can be sure of a good route to follow. Yesterday night, after speaking with a friend on the MSN about good things, I got a little mood for coding on the GP32. I could start yesterday but I only did today. It doesn't matter. And it doesn't matter what I did today.

The strange is that I had this feeling all these days (and early yesterday) that since I am occupied by my existential thoughts I can't just quit and do my regular activities. In the past I was sad about not being in the mood to code or be creative in general although I pushed myself to be. Nine in ten times I ended up doing nothing because I hated the pressure but for the one time I succeeded being creative and I was temporary happy. Later I understood there is no meaning in that and I decided I should either be very very creative or change activities. But then I would stick there in front of the PC doing nothing and being sad. Till I exploded and said I can't take it anymore though I could also not leave the demoscene behind. The middle solution was hard for me to see.

But I think now that the problem is emotional. It's not just setting some boundaries and trying to stay inside. It's not just having moderation as if it is a simple decision.

I thought that leaving Pouet and also Antidogma too (a forum with various discussions on strange phenomena, philosophy or anything out of the ordinary) would server as a release from my regular escapages that became something like bad habits (and those habits dominated my neural networks for years I believe). At least I think so. But it's always not that the demoscene or other geeky communities are bad (or good). These are all known I think. It's just that when someone told me to 'get a life' it was always because of computers or anything. And I took that literally (Well, I think that some people do mean that though). But still leaving for a while and concentrating on the problem would make me think of something else and let those neurals loose. Without knowing if there will be results or I will just come back. It was a lousy emotional decision but at least something new (but haven't I left the scene in the past for... a week? :P)

Going back, that week when I was sad I couldn't think about coding at all, not even playing an RPG or something (which I usually do when I can't be in the mood for anything creative). Because I persuaded myself to be concentrated into my main worries instead of forgetting them for a while by regular activities like games, internet or coding. But after having a little chat with a friend on the MSN, I felt a little happier. Though it could just have happened. It's not important what made me happy (I would never accept that it's something so simple as a boring social occasion! Also the reasons where inside the context of the chat not the occasion :P) but that later, when the sadness that didn't left me do anything faded out for a bit, I remembered about coding, GP32 and demos. And I had the sudden sparky feeling which I knew I could easilly forget later. Though a sad bit was left behind, a fear that I will get focused in my hobby and forget everything till I wake up and eat another slap and be depressed again.

Today because of that fear I wouldn't code at first. I would find though excuses for usefully procrastinating, like instead of playing games to do some other works that would be usefull, like cleaning my HD, writting some DVD with old warez remained in my HD, maybe replying to some emails or having a look at some code. Not code I said? Ok,. constructive procrastantion doesn't work exactly well in me because I know I am trying to fool myself into believing that I am doing something. Later, I tried to code something, it wasn't a specific effect or project rather than trying to compile some old projects with a new devkit (which didn't worked and I so moved in the old one :P) but I felt greater, much greater than if I tried to play another game just to kill some time. And I do think that I am afraid to become an active coder again which makes abandon any attempt. But is it better to quit and just sit there playing RPGs because of this fear? Is it better doing nothing than doing something even if not succesful?

Imho, my black&white reactions (Either coding the best thing or doing nothing) come from my inability to accept a middle solution. And that inability comes from some emotional deregulation which comes out of my overexcitement for things which could also come from behind in a negative way. This higher sensitivity of me makes me too passionate about things and really in the mood of being creative giving me a full meaning in doing so, though being a sucker for strong emotions, those can also strike badly and make me flip out. It takes a harder time to regulate my emotions but lately I did decide that this is what I must do.

Overexcitement can make me focus into a creative geeky hobby, thus forgetting everything around me. But when I am not in the mood to be creative again (learning by the years to hate my oppresive request for creativity) there is nothing else there and I return back into cold hell. It's either being totally focused or being totally miserable. There is hardly a transition, especially a slow one. It was always so. From obessive democoding to being miserable and uncreative. It's not philosophical, it just happens (I believe inside my brain, yes chemicals and stuff.. :P)

Whatever, I felt yesterday that I could go into a scheme to regulate. First of all I should remember my real life condition. Even if I get into coding I should not be sucked forever into it. Especially now that only 1 in 10 times I am in the mood, I should not insist in the rest 9 (or some of them) as if there is anything else. And I am trying hardly to fit some other activities in my everyday life so that I can easilly jump from one activity to another and not have the "no coding yet staring at my screen and doing nothing else" syndrome but exchange those "no mood for democoding" moments with different sessions (especially not in my screen).

It's not something people always told me. To get away of the screen and get a life. It looks like it is. But even if it was (I am too stuborn to accept it), people were telling that to me because 1) computers were boring anyways, 2) everyone says so, 3) they didn't actually know the complications in my case. It's not even that. It's going through changes. It's getting of your habbits. And I will still be coding, I'll just manage more cleverly some shifts from coding to anything else. I will manage to regulate my emotions about wanting to code teh shit, my frustrations, etc. My primary problem is an instability with emotional regulation, like moving abruptly from black to white and then back.

I don't make sense and this is not what I wanted to write in fully so I'll guess I'll quit. But I just have the possible solution or just the "why?" answer to the problem number #43. Not the truth! This black&white attitude of mine makes it's appearance in my obsession for the truth. Either the perfect truth or everything being lies. But this is just me!

I just need to.. to regulate! (afraid this one being an obsession too, like "damn I failed at regulating (either 100% or 0%), I quit". This is getting tricky now :P)

p.s. Also, I am positively thinking about reading more on Positive Disintegration.

p.p.s. Maybe it's just that I've watched the 8 first episode of House M.D. yesterday night and got slightly better again :P

p.p.p.s. But I still need some time before I return to Pouet. The admins can still keep my banned.

No comments:

Locations of visitors to this page