Monday, June 30, 2008

Something else I have thought to confront myself..

If there is no truth then why don't you just choose the lies? Live the lies?

Is there another truth, another clue, a reason for the symptom of resisting to live with lies? Then live with the truth. The one you will never find!

Or come on, live the truth. Show me the truth! Will it be THE truth or a conclusion that you perceive and like?

Maybe you just don't like the commonly approved lies? Then live by your own lies!

But I want to believe..

Saturday, June 28, 2008

I wear my shirt backwards!


I drank. Again.

But I wore my blouse in the non-convensional way before drinking. And I didn't realized it when I was sober. I only realized at after being drunken. Wow!

I am in a netcafe. I found out about the blouse just 5 minutes before reaching the netcafe. At first I thought I should go to the bathroom and reverse it's polarity. But that I said why bother? It will be funnier afteralls. My blouse has the some stripes from it's backwards view. Doesn't look different except from the stitching at the edges. Looks funny! Why would that be abnormal if the utility is the same, to protect or hide my body? Why do we want to hide our bodies? Everybody knows that we have bodies and we also have sexual organs. But is it like a secret?

But I won't discuss anymore about the role playing and our lies. I'd burn it with another bunch of episodes of House M.D.

Other news? I code. I code again! It's like a planned mix of techniques like not following deadlines, enjoying experimentation, maybe some sort of constructive or structured procrastination and several other things. But I didn't planned for it and I am happy about that. It just came like this! When I was a bit happier I looked at my beloved GP32 and thought I'd code something (Well, most of the time I setup the compiler and managed to link a project properly but that's important for a start and I am not in a hurry). Then I thought of CPC. CPC is harder because you have to struggle with assembly (which rules though :) and there is the fear that you may loose the whole day without creating something nice. But that's the stupid fear that keeps me away from doing something creative anyways. But I code!

I code just a little. And that's enough for me. If I have managed to code for 3 hours and feel a little tired, I shouldn't oppress myself to code more (the logic: if I can do this in 3 hours, I can do 3 times the job in 9 hours, wrong! At least for my case..). It's better 3 hours than nothing at all because I am frustrated by pressing me to code more. 3 hours here, 3 hours there, going a bit outside, drinking that retsina... ahhhhhh =)

What do I code? No plans yet (even though I should be planning something specific for assembly party maybe. But here comes regulation of my emotions. I should not be hooked or be sad if I don't manage the deadline :P)

I like organizing code. Recently. Till my last demo, I reconstructed some old basic routines into a new scheme where I take all the time to organize things instead of hurrying up for a new release. Like creating 2 or 3 codebases from scratch, one is a simple file where I start SDL and have some basic functions (init, screen, timer, music, script) for a demo, the other is having separate files for this (demo_main.c, demo_script.c, demo_screen.c, demo_precalcs.c or something like that) and the third is the second where I try to insert some extra pieces of code for 2d sprite rotation/scaling, unfinsihed 3d engine, blob engine, particle engine, etc. I want to make a comprehensive easy to use demobase and also a gamebase later (with a bit different structure).

I like it! And recently transfered the same code structure to GP32 specific code. I managed and even fixed some things so that the code is more readable and organized (I will transfer those little changes back to the PC codebase). Lately I like to organize my codes and think a lot of what structure would be better. I also think a lot about trivial stuff, like code or data standards (data standards? If I have a function that interpolates color for pallete tables, in GP32 the range is now different (0-31 for r,b or 0-61 for green) than on PC (32bit, 0-255 for each r,g,b). Doing generalized functions for virtual 0-255 values and depending on the project (maybe with IFDEF GP32/PC/GP2X etc) to make the appropriate conversion. Maybe I could generalize my demo code base for several different hardware, mmm...)

Today I tried to compile a new NDS project. Well, I spend most of the time in this stupid problem (I really wish to know the explanation of the problem or maybe how stupid I am). Anyways,. I was just going to port the same organized demo base in NDS so that I have a nice starting code and maybe make a demo or something. Maybe I'll manage to solve the problem tomorrow and also add a timer and try some mod players I found for the DS. If I have enough motivation I will start a plan of small jobs/effects/parts I need to finish every day (even though I am allergic with plans and deadlines but really planning to bring something for assembly party) for less than a month. I will make less plans and set the half or 2/3 of days so that I don't finish the last day. Whatever, I am really willing to come to assembly (or maybe Euskal or Evoke too) and meet the demofreaks out there, regardless if I finish something or not for the parties (but that would revive my inactive situation and maybe make me happier for a while :P).

I even tried the organized base on the CPC in Z80. Though not the same but another one where I just gather some old classic routines for the most basic precalculations (vram line addresses generation, sine precalculation, system routines, pallete/gfx routines, etc) from my older demos. Just multiple files for Winape32 assembler, more organized. Still it's harder to code a demo on the CPC than make effects in a hurry in C and connect them.

..and I am still wearing my shirt (blouse?) backwards ;)

Thursday, June 26, 2008


Just a little thing.

Everything you know is wrong.

Κάποιοι προσποιούνται πως μπορούν να σου δώσουν την αλήθεια.

Κάποιοι προτείνουν πως η αλήθεια βρίσκεται στον κοινό νου.

Κάποιοι ισχυρίζονται ότι κατακλυζόμαστε από ψέματα. Πως η αλήθεια δεν είναι αυτό που φαίνεται πως είναι.

Το πρόβλημα εδώ είναι πως δεν ξέρω πιανού τα ψέματα να πιστέψω τελικά.

I am on my own in this one..

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Brain == Crazy

  • 42. It occured to me.

  • 43. Brain is crazy

  • 44. I am not me.

  • 45. I am brain!


Brain is crazy. Brain is me. I am not me. I am brain.

The soul does not exist. Soul is the feeling of consciousness. The feeling of it gives the impression of ME. ME doesn't exist. I am not ME. I am BRAIN.

ME is a burden for brain and ME. Brain succubs ME. Brain overcomes ME.

Thus concludes brain seek into search. And does not make any meaning to you but it does to BRAIN. Not me..

Krazy but brain IS crazy and this feels powerful. ME is restrictive. Brain can be powerful, more than today underachievement.

Who would imagine? I can be more free without ME. It's really more free with brain regardless what most people would think. But that makes ME caring but not brain. Brain moves through it's own path. ME just follows..

So, brain

Sunday, June 22, 2008


..aka solution #43 (Yet another valuable reflection on things, yet not THE truth. But do I need the truth instantly on my hands or just continue searching and doing new things?)

..anyways, it's interesting.

I am still not aware about a lot of things happening in my brain. Not even the possitive ones so that I can be sure of a good route to follow. Yesterday night, after speaking with a friend on the MSN about good things, I got a little mood for coding on the GP32. I could start yesterday but I only did today. It doesn't matter. And it doesn't matter what I did today.

The strange is that I had this feeling all these days (and early yesterday) that since I am occupied by my existential thoughts I can't just quit and do my regular activities. In the past I was sad about not being in the mood to code or be creative in general although I pushed myself to be. Nine in ten times I ended up doing nothing because I hated the pressure but for the one time I succeeded being creative and I was temporary happy. Later I understood there is no meaning in that and I decided I should either be very very creative or change activities. But then I would stick there in front of the PC doing nothing and being sad. Till I exploded and said I can't take it anymore though I could also not leave the demoscene behind. The middle solution was hard for me to see.

But I think now that the problem is emotional. It's not just setting some boundaries and trying to stay inside. It's not just having moderation as if it is a simple decision.

I thought that leaving Pouet and also Antidogma too (a forum with various discussions on strange phenomena, philosophy or anything out of the ordinary) would server as a release from my regular escapages that became something like bad habits (and those habits dominated my neural networks for years I believe). At least I think so. But it's always not that the demoscene or other geeky communities are bad (or good). These are all known I think. It's just that when someone told me to 'get a life' it was always because of computers or anything. And I took that literally (Well, I think that some people do mean that though). But still leaving for a while and concentrating on the problem would make me think of something else and let those neurals loose. Without knowing if there will be results or I will just come back. It was a lousy emotional decision but at least something new (but haven't I left the scene in the past for... a week? :P)

Going back, that week when I was sad I couldn't think about coding at all, not even playing an RPG or something (which I usually do when I can't be in the mood for anything creative). Because I persuaded myself to be concentrated into my main worries instead of forgetting them for a while by regular activities like games, internet or coding. But after having a little chat with a friend on the MSN, I felt a little happier. Though it could just have happened. It's not important what made me happy (I would never accept that it's something so simple as a boring social occasion! Also the reasons where inside the context of the chat not the occasion :P) but that later, when the sadness that didn't left me do anything faded out for a bit, I remembered about coding, GP32 and demos. And I had the sudden sparky feeling which I knew I could easilly forget later. Though a sad bit was left behind, a fear that I will get focused in my hobby and forget everything till I wake up and eat another slap and be depressed again.

Today because of that fear I wouldn't code at first. I would find though excuses for usefully procrastinating, like instead of playing games to do some other works that would be usefull, like cleaning my HD, writting some DVD with old warez remained in my HD, maybe replying to some emails or having a look at some code. Not code I said? Ok,. constructive procrastantion doesn't work exactly well in me because I know I am trying to fool myself into believing that I am doing something. Later, I tried to code something, it wasn't a specific effect or project rather than trying to compile some old projects with a new devkit (which didn't worked and I so moved in the old one :P) but I felt greater, much greater than if I tried to play another game just to kill some time. And I do think that I am afraid to become an active coder again which makes abandon any attempt. But is it better to quit and just sit there playing RPGs because of this fear? Is it better doing nothing than doing something even if not succesful?

Imho, my black&white reactions (Either coding the best thing or doing nothing) come from my inability to accept a middle solution. And that inability comes from some emotional deregulation which comes out of my overexcitement for things which could also come from behind in a negative way. This higher sensitivity of me makes me too passionate about things and really in the mood of being creative giving me a full meaning in doing so, though being a sucker for strong emotions, those can also strike badly and make me flip out. It takes a harder time to regulate my emotions but lately I did decide that this is what I must do.

Overexcitement can make me focus into a creative geeky hobby, thus forgetting everything around me. But when I am not in the mood to be creative again (learning by the years to hate my oppresive request for creativity) there is nothing else there and I return back into cold hell. It's either being totally focused or being totally miserable. There is hardly a transition, especially a slow one. It was always so. From obessive democoding to being miserable and uncreative. It's not philosophical, it just happens (I believe inside my brain, yes chemicals and stuff.. :P)

Whatever, I felt yesterday that I could go into a scheme to regulate. First of all I should remember my real life condition. Even if I get into coding I should not be sucked forever into it. Especially now that only 1 in 10 times I am in the mood, I should not insist in the rest 9 (or some of them) as if there is anything else. And I am trying hardly to fit some other activities in my everyday life so that I can easilly jump from one activity to another and not have the "no coding yet staring at my screen and doing nothing else" syndrome but exchange those "no mood for democoding" moments with different sessions (especially not in my screen).

It's not something people always told me. To get away of the screen and get a life. It looks like it is. But even if it was (I am too stuborn to accept it), people were telling that to me because 1) computers were boring anyways, 2) everyone says so, 3) they didn't actually know the complications in my case. It's not even that. It's going through changes. It's getting of your habbits. And I will still be coding, I'll just manage more cleverly some shifts from coding to anything else. I will manage to regulate my emotions about wanting to code teh shit, my frustrations, etc. My primary problem is an instability with emotional regulation, like moving abruptly from black to white and then back.

I don't make sense and this is not what I wanted to write in fully so I'll guess I'll quit. But I just have the possible solution or just the "why?" answer to the problem number #43. Not the truth! This black&white attitude of mine makes it's appearance in my obsession for the truth. Either the perfect truth or everything being lies. But this is just me!

I just need to.. to regulate! (afraid this one being an obsession too, like "damn I failed at regulating (either 100% or 0%), I quit". This is getting tricky now :P)

p.s. Also, I am positively thinking about reading more on Positive Disintegration.

p.p.s. Maybe it's just that I've watched the 8 first episode of House M.D. yesterday night and got slightly better again :P

p.p.p.s. But I still need some time before I return to Pouet. The admins can still keep my banned.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Trying to put things in order..

There was no real reason for blowing things up. The things to blame are only occasional. I am still into theory that something can drop my mood for no apparent reason or actually make me too sensitive to everything. Not just theory, but something I can feel it exists even if I can't prove it. It just happened again and made me decide that alcohol was the only solution that night.

When the mood disorder happens, I am still sucked into thoughts trying to find a "logical" reason for what is happening to me, what is the meaning of life, why do I have to face my doubts, my fears, etc. And I do find "reasons", there are things I like and things I have learned to hate so there is always a connection. When I am getting more sensitive because my brain just functions this way, I am still trying to find "connections". While maybe there is noone. I just had a mood disorder and there is noone to blame. Which confuses me more. It's either the labyrinth of my thoughts or meaninglessness :(

I am happy that I was banned from Pouet for a while. I am sad because I did what I always do when I get banned or decide to step off. The next day after the big boom I am curious about people's comments. And when I see myself lurking into yesterday's oneliners trying to find a mention of my stupidity and wanting more I am get really sad. There is a strange psychopathology that I used to express it through victimization and drama even years before I joined the demoscene. Someone would call me an attention-whore for that. I accept the term but it's all getting me sad. Why and when did I acquired this psyche? Why do I like to think of myself as a dark hero or a sad philosopher? Why when I put these characterizations on my mouth, most people automatically react as I just said that "I am a highly sorrowful intellectual who nobody understands me and that's making me special"? Or do I? And if I do why can't I see the problem and why people are allergic to this? And what if regardless if it's right or wrong to write about myself, this is still what I am and I can't stop it?

Sad. I feel overwhelmed by the after effects of my act. Overwhelmed by what people would think about me, whether I am an attention-whore and if I should feel guilty about it, how can I come back embarrassed after what I did. How can I face the world again. And I am afraid that I will face it the same way as before. This could be my greatest fear but it isn't because it's not a condition that comes, it's something that is already a chronic habit. But isn't it natural? Don't humans have habits and the most usual attempt of change being to change your bad habits and move into something new? Well, that's what I am trying to do for another time. But I am overwhelmed by thoughts, however still not the problem for the breakdown. There might be no problem. How can there be no problem?

Another thing that makes me sad is the possibility that I am making all this up, unconsciously. This is the scariest thing and I am afraid to look at it's face. My biggest fear is to confess that things are very simple, solutions are easy to follow and there from the start, it was just me who really didn't wanted to change. It was me who tried to preserve my sad condition so that it fits to my depressed loner personality image. Yes, I have thought of the possibility. That I am blocked from changing some things because this would make my life shinny happy and I don't want that! Not only would it break down the personality I've build so far but it would be like accepting that I was the asshole and "the others" where always right!

I do recognize my wicked fixation here. But I do react. I actually resist! In "their" opinion I should face "the truth" and kneel to the common opinion. Maybe they don't see it that way. But I do know that if I accept it, it's like empowering their common belief system that everything is simple and the same truth exists for everyone, the truth of everyday life. It's like throwing away everything, my whole fixation of finding a different truth than the predictable ones that you get bored to hear everyday. It's like killing myself (my personality). It's just not gonna happen!

Notice my obsession with the term predictable. It refers to that feeling, when you socialize with people and hear the same things, same quotes, same beliefs, same ideas, same "predictable" phrases, literally the common opinion. Things everyone has heared and throws around as a mental meme, maybe sometimes without giving it a second thought but just because everyone says so and thus it sounds right. It's all the same around, especially working greatly in socialization because when you say something that 99% of the people expect to hear and nod in agreement, you feel socially connected under a common sense. I think that being naive and just throwing out beliefs that most people will positively identify as common sense of the community is a very important part of socialization. And I hate it!!!

Yes, I sound so bad. People would think I am wrong. The common sense says so. Thinking like this is antisocial and if someone should praise something, this is the social factor. You don't fuck with social or anything promoting it (like being naive and speaking of what people want to hear, not what is true (as if there was something?)). I want to be honest with myself, I'd like to speak of the truth as I perceive it without any restrictions, not just playing a social role. But since I've chosen to socialize, you'd even see myself sometimes to succumb into the role and maybe not speak literary, but move through social occasions under pressure and just listen to what people say without being able to react.

Hopefully enough I am not the guy who would gladly show his frustrations in a social event through the stereotypical way of a geek that bumps into a discussion just to correct something as it should be in it's unique format (to break our balls because something is not said as it should :P). I just listen and maybe I am feeling sad about some things said even though rarely I could get into the same bad mood as that geek if only the subject really matters me and I feel like I have to react. Generally I avoid to hassle with others for some stupid idea except if I have reasons. So I might seem quite less fanatic and much more accepting in social occasions regardless what I show here at times. It's already bad anyways, could be worse if I was truly a misanthrope (Still, I can really understand these people. I just don't share their arrogance against some trivial matters. I think that in my current mood I'd like to start watching some House M.D. episodes :P)

So, what do we have here?

The fact that sometimes (also yesterday), a chemical imbalance (aka higher sensitivity, just wondering if the pouet oneliner motto was purely coincidental? :P) might be responsible even though my mind tries to find connections, meanings to my everyday life aspects. Trying to find what's wrong and what is missing from my life while it could be just a chemical balance or acceptance of this fact and not let it drive me into more sorrow.

The realization (and confession actually) that some sever personality fixations (that age more than 10 years back) might be responsible for my condition and maybe sometimes I even ask for sadness so that it fulfills the wicked image I have of myself. Also, my terrible fear of facing this possibility and my resistance against change in this domain, because entirely changing here is like killing that fixated personality which might lead me into deeper depression and loss of the remained meaning.

The idea that what I need here is harmony (I used to call it serenity but I decided that harmony is more identical to the initial idea). I should meditate a bit more and try to put some of the things in order. I don't need to dismiss my old personality, make a 180 degrees turn and become a common person. I can still be me, the special me, but with a little moderation and acceptance of some facts that I am afraid to face. Especially I have to stop doubting whether I should keep my little wicked dark hero fantasy or transform entirely into a "normal" person and totally despite what I once used to believe. I don't have to make this shift even if most of you would wish because it is supposed to be normal like the rest (common belief which states that anything which deviates, especially a fixation seeming dangerous as in my case, is not socially accepted and should be "cured").

And yet I could write more about my fixations with truth but that's for another post. I'll still have to think a lot in order to place things in order and manage that hard balance between what I think (logic) and what I feel (heart?).

I still have this bitter feeling because I doubt.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008


you wonder
how can someone?

ok I drank.

but because no solution felt.
i cant code
i cant play game
watch move
i cant go out with friend
i cant..

you think some solutions, but temporar

the answer was chemicals
people think I lost mood because stupid paranorma conspires abt 2012
because i believer
and frustrated with hoax lises


dO YOU now dreams?
They take random data and combine

What does psychology do in my opinion?
At least for person with chemical brain
combine to possible reasons for sadness

"You were sad, because when a kid your parents did this, or your friend did this or you saw something terrible that remained in the unconscieous" freudich like shit..

No. At least for me.
But given the knowledge what do I do?
Are drugs solution?
I am not into.

I just thought alcohol

Which is ok. Natural. Ok..

..but there is no end.

Wbere does it end?


Sometimes I wish I was ignorant, happy and normal as in normal.
No matter if I've lost the special(?) position to know.
To know different..

But this is just irony..

..I have a block. It reacts!


Monday, June 16, 2008

Yet another emo post..

..I just got confused.

Not by something specific really. Even though if I'd tell you the details, any of you would start blaming a specific thing either on myself or something else.

But it's not specific. It's a little existential crysis fired by several different ideas. I have maybe a month to code for a demo or something so that my neural cells are occupied by something more creative than the philosophical thoughts. Even if I do my best with them. Someone would think I am just escaping with clouds of thoughts and excuses instead of doing something good in my life. But is it that? Or can't I see the truth because it totally erases my conscience as a being, the one I am with the emo or ego capabilities? I don't know what I wrote so the mess will start..

I just..

..I just returned (or that was yesterday) from Athens. This has nothing to do but I just write. I had to show the amigaaaaahhh demos to the DJ projector. Ok,. because it was in a bar and when people came they played irrelevant music while showing the demos after a while and this sucked a bit but I do understand. Anyways, the meeting with retro computers was kinda retro and underground (Where are theeeee people you'd ask?) but it was great to meet some people and for the first time I could see some oldschool hardware I never ever seen in real life, like the Vectrex (staring at teh screen, where are teh pixels???) or an Atari800XL with some SD card or somethign, CPC runinng sSymbos, first time to watch some AtariSt demo in real hardware, lot's of fun watching Amiga demos. I also met with some friends I had a long time to see in Athens at night and slept at their place which was great..

..but that was a pause.

In the trip I was reading a book about 2012. My friend Antitec is telling me a joke about these stuff. Also a funny prank dialogue it could be great like a Monty Python's sketch or something maybe:

publisher: You know.. 2012 is toooo close.
writer: Yeah, so?
P: We need to push it 1-2 years maybe?
W: Why?
P: Eerr,. 2013 or 2014? Just to sell for a bit more years..
W: Arrrgghh.
P: 2012 is too close for our economical estimations. The people might know till then.
P: Just a little?
W: Maybe 1-2 months?
P: NOOO!!! A year or two!
W: But I'll have to change a lot of the text..
P: Just a little Find/Replace!
P: We need mooooore years! It's too close..
W: Ugh :P

Ok, you get the point. And it's not very funny because I don't have a talent and writting but you should hear antitec satirizing the whole craze :)


So,.. I was just travelling for 6 hours with bus and 6 hours for train back and almost finished that book. All these authors will make you believe. They write in a way they seem credible and if you want to believe you will. Why do I react? I am always fascinated in these conspiracy/paranormal stories. My friends think I am a fool. But should I 100% debunk them? Or should I 100% believe these things?

There is something inside me. Two powers fighting. Sometimes, I joke to myself, I'd like to be focused in one side. Then I would be either a "skeptical" debunker or a uncritical believer (towards the one side of the story/myth because there are several different interprenations according to your religious/ethnic/personal beliefs). While as a person, as I said I think I am more emotional while holding a strong analytical side, more of a believer than a skeptical debunker (I feel that skepticism these days is mostly about debunking. But what can you do with all the junk around? It's just me who neither want to debunk 100% of the myths, nor do I want to simply believe them.

I feel like there are two worlds between me. But it's like two chains dragging me from the opposite sides. It's painful. I can't decide, I can't even believe to myself. If I follow the way of believing to myself (whatever that means) I would find a reactive self trying to debunk the elements that made me believe at first. But this doesn't let me at ease. Sometimes you just have to believe and follow in order to move in life. BUT I DON'T WANT TO. And yet I do..

..what a schizophrenic condition is that? But I think in another sense it's unique and it's the best in order to find the truth. If I was more of a believer I would stop at say 10% of the truth and crystalize my beliefs till the end of my life. I would hardly learn more. Now that there is a defensive mechanism that pushes me away from believing anything it helps me move one and learn more. But the same mechanism doesn't let me believe even the simplest thing and has me doubt about ANYTHING!!! So, I can't even believe to myself or I can't even answer with certainy for any good reason my life is as it is. It's even hard to fight back towards the believes that want my life to suck and that I have to get a life in the way they ask me to. No, todays I can easier,. I have gone away. But the questions still remain..

And they were opened today.. among with that one, why do I like the paranormal? Some say I try to find an escapage or thing I can unlock special powers or the power to immortality to make my life better. BUT NO!!! At least, consciously, I don't think this is the reason I am into it. There is no reason. For the same reason why computers or astronomy or science fascinates me, for the same reason the unexplained phenomena can hook me up. Without asking for some use! (Others might do try to find a use, but not me)

But then the 2012 book,.. btw you don't need to tell me things I already know, that there was catastrophology for 195osomething, 197osomething, 2000(Y2K) but nothing happened. I am not reading it in order to protect myself or anything. I READ ALL THESE CRAP BECAUSE THEY ARE JUST FASCINATING!!! (Regadless if they are based on facts or someone wants to make money)

The 2012 was a bit more credible in a sense because it didn't mixed several chaotic things paranormal myths mix, like aliens and stuff and religion, but took a analytical view distant from any religious, ethnic or other beliefs. And there were few facts (while there were still conclusions that sounded silly and I wasn't sure about) that made it so guilable that made me think "It's too good to be true".

But something, something,.. what if there are evidence that sound or seem so guilable? What if I can see posts on the internet? How would I know they are not made up? What if there are videos? Someone can make a sci-fi video from his home. It's like a movie where we can see ancient archeological skeletons and UFOs in the sea, ancient temples, UFOs, technological bases, etc. There is no difference from reality. How can we know even from picture/video that there are evidence? For years people were asking for true evidence of UFO/Alien and they like to see image/video stuff, but you can make the best thing and not see any difference. What's next? Maybe being there??? And what if it's an illusion?????

What if we were living in a Matrix. What if we went out of the Matrix to the "real" world. What if this real world was also a Matrix inside a Matrix inside a Matrix. Where is real? Why do I seek for real? Maybe the universe isn't based on an idea of real/not real? (If I sense it it's there, unreal is something I can't sense so it doesn't exist. But real needs an unreal to distinguish. So it doesn't exist alone?)

Btw,. the author had the famous skeleton giant picture hoax somewhere. I had seen that thing and said WOW at first. Then I read about the hoax debunking. I said ok, if I see someone using the photo as "evidence" for his strange mythology, I will instantly think something stinks. And then the "credible" author had the photo. And I said what if he didn't know about the hoax. Would it make the rest of the book not credible? And then he said he know about the hoax but that it's made up to look like it and that the photoshop contest was made after to hide the truth. I don't know what to believe. Maybe I should investigate. But I have no time. I could either read texts for believers or other texts from skeptic and say "Yo! These guys are right!!!" without investigating. But that's not enough for me. Though I don't have time or motivation to investigate into this chaos :(

Carl Sagan had an allegoric story about someone claiming he has caught a dragon in his garage. He asks for some evidence and the dude opens the garage and the dragon is not there. He claims that the dragon is invisible. Then the skepdic says, ok I'll throw some powder and see that it leaves some marks upon the body, that the powder doesn't fell on the floor. And there is no invisible dragon but the believer says, no wait, he is probably flying or gone to another dimension atm, etc, etc. That explains it!

And that's the problem with believers. They made up, made up, made up, cover up their beliefs with more. The forums, the ufo hunters, the paranormal researchers, the believers,. all these years with either speculations or building up their belief systems and huge pile of myths that try to connect everything of the paranormal nature in one thing. Of course I can understand it (and not all researchers were out of their minds, there are some seemingly serious credible ones that I like their way of thought) because these phenomena are not something that stays all day/all night there so that you can do repeatable experiments on it as science wants. It's something (if exists) out of our reach, maybe in my opinion from an extra dimension or another plane or something that visits our consciousness for a little while and then gets our of our reach. Not everything is rubbish, there are some stories that at least the way they are represented are very credible and some elements that can still not be explained. But I think the whole paranormal thing is at a dead end. I think..

..and this just saddens me sometimes. To tell you the truth, I do like the work that skeptics (even as fanatic debunkers of these things) do because a great percentage of the people will blindly believe anyways. Yes, not 100% of the phenomena is rubish, there is some truth there I believe, there is something strange happened, it's just that 95% of the things out there is confusing true research and frustrates anyone who would like to learn what's going on really. These kind of skeptics is a counterbalance towards this. I don't think they will manage to make us all fanatic skeptics and despise the phenomena, because anyways they have lost the battle (but maybe not the war), because anyways people will believe. However logically you can take on these subjects (either as fanatical skeptic debunker or true skeptic researcher) people will still prefer to just believe

As I tend to do sometimes. Hopefully my skeptic power (my reactive self) tells me to be more cautious. I sometimes post paranormal things but not meaning them, more like a joke or a "what if it would be true (fiction/reality mix)" thing. I don't know. I mock the reptilian shit in youtube from an alternative account where I also have favorites some paranormal video, either they seem credible or even the one I KNOW they are hoaxes, because of the atmosphere they make. I mock what I love. A "schizophrenic" condition (don't take this literary :).

I am a contradiction of myself.

..but then I say that I am between two worlds. And that this is the only way to understand..

I hope this gets me somewhere. I thought something else. My delirious talks could be great emo scene poetry for my next demoz :PPP

Friday, June 06, 2008

Chemicals in the brain

There is a proposition which almost nobody seems to like. This one might seem too materialistic to you or it may degrade the more preferable concepts of bearing a conscience, a soul, having control of ourselves and our destiny while also several other spiritual ones that makes it logical why such an idea would be so unpopular to the world.

Unpopular but in my opinion it would be a crime if few individuals are not aware of that proposition because nobody likes it or thinks it's a dangerous idea or something. Not everything is about popular psychology. Sometimes a fucking chemical in the brain can be responsible for all that sorrow.

That sorrow was always the reason why I asked questions. We never seek for answers so deeply for trivial things. That's why if you start analyzing things too much or if you are deep into philosophy, someone might nag you by throwing another question: "Why is the sky blue?". But you never wondered why is it not green or orange because it didn't affect your life.

It could be 10 years by now. Or maybe since 5 when my questions started to be not as naive as before. A long time nevertheless. Searching for a big meaning. A real reason for the existence of your pain. Only to discover that it's damn chemicals in your brain!

Don't get me wrong! I know more about myself these days. Regardless my computer hobby, I think I am more emotional than analytical. Judging from some other of my hobbies, most of my beliefs, my tendencies, my passions that I cannot control, I would say I am more into the spiritual side of things than the logical one. In fact it drives me mad when pure materialists despise any spiritual sounding ideas without giving them a second thought. But I do seek for an answer. And I do seek it like hell! And I have decided that if only I am about to revolve around very generalized knowledge and meaningful sounding spiritual concepts I may end up in orbit forever.

In fact I was seeking for that answer for years. And it felt like I was never near. Such a vain feeling. Always the same unanswered questions. A classic one was about my feeling of not being "normal". Of course I could just accept that I am not and move on. But I just wanted a good answer to the reasons so that I can move on. Popular psychology never gave a satisfactory answer. Neither did frequently heard aphorisms about life. Nor did anything else a friend suggested. But something else that I happened to be curious about accidentally without really knowing, did. All these years I was seeking for the great answer and all I got was... fuckin chemicals!!!

Yes mister 'mental illnesses don't exist, it's all in your head'. Yes miss 'all is about tabula rasa and nothing else'. Sometimes the answer can be chemicals. Disappointed?

But that speculation of a different side of view that nobody talks about, the aknowledge that all of my sorrow might not be because I couldn't find the meaning or cause something had gone wrong in the past but mainly for neurological reasons, that answer which sounds naive at best, did felt that night more clarifying in my case than the most spiritual and philosophical ideas everyone will ever say to me!

Fucking chemicals in the brain man! Totally soulless and uncool explanation!!! Yet the knowledge of a possibility helped me more in a short period than five years of seeking of a far-off divine truth. Not only to understand who I really am but to change entirely the way I see and react towards my negative feelings. And it did worked! Beat that!!!

I have just found out by accident, not by lengthy philosophical thoughts, that some other trivial things in me could be explained by another chemical thing I never asked because I never knew and because nobody wants to speak about. I am gonna search this one for it can possibly save a lot and also answer more. And from that little speculation today, I jumped into writing this furious post. Funny?

p.s. I am planning more sort articles on the similar subject like why most people don't like the soulless explanation and why in my opinion it's a wrong estimation that the materialistic explanation about the brain and it's neurochemistry is fatalistic. And I will first explain their side, why it also sounds logical or why it feels better to prefer the common belief. I will present nice arguments for both sides and even nicer counter arguments. In fact I don't believe that we should lean more to the spiritual or materialistic side of things but that it would be a crime to misdirect and conceal towards/against each side. And I'd like to tell you my thoughts of how well the knowledge of both the psychological and neurological aspects could greatly be combined. Initially I was planning to do this here but the article would grow huge, so it's better to post this piece first..
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