This explains today's orgy at Gates to Delirium. At least there I am allowed to write everything that comes in my mind, no matter if silly or senseless or stupid. I've also written a little entry at Plasma fun again today. And I am gonna finish this one. I had one or two months to write anything here. I don't care if it's senseless or boring. I just write what comes in my mind. But if it's tooooo silly then it goes to Gates. Maybe I should open a greek blog too oneday. Will I have time to write for that too? It doesn't matter as it's open and ready for action :)
Nothing to do with what is troubling me now but I had yet another time this "funny" feeling. Being far far away (not right now but a moment ago) from a computer and suddenly getting the "that would be a nice entry for my blog" jizz.
Heh,. I use words because of their sounding sense without knowing if they exactly fit there in terms of a meaning/translation. Jizz is a great PC 64k by TBL (like the Stash intro and their Astral Blur demo). Ok for now. I just wanted a word and jizz came into my mind because jizz is the sound of the electrical charge (an electrical charge hit my little neurons of my brain and suddenly gave me the idea that hey, that would be..). This is quite funny. Let me now search the greek-english vocabulary and try to see if it really fit. What I sense as fit and sound without knowing the meaning, does it really fit? (I'd like to write something like a small nonsense text oneday (for delirium blog :) without knowing the full meaning of any word. Would be fun!).
What I said is that.. let me search the online vocabulary.. oh my god it doesn't exist!!! Whatta hell were TBL thinking?!?
I like those hr's. When I joined the internet (hehe,. joined teh internet. Hehe :) I wanted to make a website. I made some huge abominations (I think I almost feel what this word means). Not even the internet archive of the past has them. I learned html and always typed it in the notepad. I still do. But I have ages, years to work on my obselete websites. Too much dedication. Maybe I'll try to find some time for learning PHP and SQL oneday to make some tools for automatic updates. That will be easier.
Ok,. this was irrelevant to the main subject (is there any?). I like to write like this. Where was I?
Oh yes. I will continue with some news. One month have passed since my employment. I received my first salary. It's really nice to go outside and say "Hey, let's buy that even if I don't need it (at least small things atm, like food, magazines, beer, etc.)", it's really nice to be able to pay for things your parents used to pay (medicine, clothes, etc), it's really really nice to treat your friends some food/drinks while they always treated you in the past because of zero pennies. It's really great! Though I have no life. Well,. I don't care much atm. It's just funny that people criticised me: "You're living with your parents (well, I still am but not for very soon), unemployed, doing nothing, just sitting there in front of the computer, etc". They criticised me of having no life but now that I got a job, I have no time to spend for a life. And still I do want to code when I come back home but I am too tired to do so or there is not much time and I have to sleep early. But I like it's irony. It's ok. Funny that now that I have money but no time, the only way to be happy is to be a consumer. And I am doing that one fairly well :)
Something else has occured to me lately. I don't know if it has anything to do with the job or my realizations about the multiverse but it's really really great and it makes me a very unserious person in such a degree that I may piss off the people who care. Care. Care.. care to break my balls!
But it's great! I tended to be the serious person, but not the serious kind who used to criticise the rest of the world. Serious only towards myself. It killed me. Several times in the past I begged for serenity. I expressed it here with short words. Of course it doesn't come when you wish for it, but it may come slowly slowly when you never expect it. Anyways, something great has happened for about 2 weeks or more and I really view myself and the world through another eye. One that does not care but accept also the situation in me and around myself. It only responds with humour (sarcasm, cynicism, etc) but also an expression of a different point of view. This is what I was analyzing yesterday as I walked the way to work and there is where the "jizzy thingy" snapped my brain and said "Hey! I should write that to my blog!!!". Ok, forget that..
..in a nutshell I was very curious to know what happened to me and what can I find from this. One nice explanation or a phrase to put things in a nutshell is that "My ego became emotionally detached from the world". Maybe it's not the right phrase to explain it, maybe for psychologists or shrinks it has a different meaning (even something telling them that I am a dangerous crazy dude :), but it's a row phrase to explain what I think I see. I still see the world and myself but from a different perspective where I don't (or my ego doesn't) care, or I see myself and it's connection to the world from a non egoistic perspective. Egoistic as in getting too serious, too concerned about my ego and how badly the world around inflicts damage to it. Maybe I was too tired to care all these years and I have set up an emotional detachment mode. Maybe going to the work and having no time for myself while nobody can blame me anymore because I am supposed to have a life while I don't. Maybe something. Maybe I unconsiously have chosen emotional detachment for serenity.
It's not that if you criticise me hard I won't feel bad. But I avoid doing so. I avoid as I have understood that I am living a lie. And that I was worrying about the lies we are struggling to live. Someone told me to not criticised what I haven't lived yet. If I don't become a "normal" person I won't know how it is. For me an excuse because most of them also never became true geeks for a period to know that it isn't so awful as it seems and shouldn't criticise it that hard. But anyways, I made the next step now, what most people think as another important part of our lifes, to have a job and not being lazy, and yet while I do like it because the anxiety has gone, I see in any way that there is no meaning. But if there is no meaning so there is no reason to be worried. Everything is a lie and maybe life is a game. But I have made some of the thoughts in the very past though I don't remember any emotional changes like the recent. Now I can have fun, great fun about my apathy, and just take a rest and enjoy my money as a consumer. I can have no life and be happy about it. Either way..
I say to myself "Live the lie" and I sense serenity. I just say that and do what I am supposed to do. Go to work, come home late, watch some movies in divx, maybe a demo and then sleep. The life at work isn't better. Time just goes by. Maybe I listen to a song in the morning on my MP3 player, have fun going to the work on feet, drinking some crap coffee or red bull, surfing the net and writting bullshit at Pouet in the morning for half an hour before I start working. And then back home. Maybe I'll discuss some funny stuff with my brother. Simple things. I enjoy my life in simple things. In the few hours remaining before the next day. And then when Saturday/Sunday comes, it's not enough. But it's a bit funnier because I can sleep. Maybe I wish I can now code but it doesn't happen. What I said being more productive in the evening after the job was just a short effect. Now it doesn't happen. Maybe it happens next week. I don't care..
And then I say: "The dream is still alive"
..whatever that means.