Sunday, May 11, 2008

Feeling more like writting..

Doh! I started writting this at 4:00 am (I am happy I have such a great mood to write late at night) and turned quite nice but couldn't finish it yesterday because of some wicked power offs (I've just figured that what I should first buy with my money from work is a UPS :P). Who sets the power off at such a late hour? First time it happens to me..

It's just came to my mind. I had a long time to make a nice feelingful walk on the city while listening to some music and thinking about stuff. The usual stuff. About life, the universe and everything. And so I have thought of more things I felt like writting in this blog. "Hey, that could be a nice entry to my blog" thingy thing. Nah,. my blog entries are boring. But I do like them and I do enjoy to read what the hell I was writting. Don't ask why we need to also release these thoughts to the internet if they are supposed to be something like a diary or personal thoughts :P

I will try to be sort this time because it's already 3:30 am even though I don't have to wake up early tomorrow to go to work. Usually when I say that, I get x10 times much longer text than I had originaly wished for..

I had the same feeling again. Concentrating on a thought that feels so great, so clear. Also remembering something from my past. My friend Antitec always asks me if I can remember a single moment in my life that I was really happy. He tries to show me that we haven't lived our lives in full yet, that there is something missing. Now I remembered a moment, one that when it comes makes me happy, about one person. I'd pinpoint this one just like when Don Juan asked something similar to Carlos Castaneda (yeah, I had an obsession with Castaneda in the past :). Hmm,. now I am thinking it, the question that Antitec asks is very similar to that of Don Juan. Though what Don Juan was expecting from Carlos Castaneda was maybe not something that Antitec would (but I don't know since I haven't asked him, I am just assuming). Not an ordinary life milestone was expected, not the day Carlos got his university degree, not the day he was married, not the day he first kissed a girl, not something like that. Something out of the ordinary, something not applying for a regular happy time, something unexpected that changes one life but maybe it cannot be seen as that. The hell I know exactly, but the moment I remember is something anyone would say that it's not a milestone or a special moment or anything important. It indeed wasn't in that sense. My life didn't seem to change the next day. But it is a single moment it makes me feel great when I remember, a moment I wouldn't like to have missed from my memory now I am thinking it. I have (maybe poorly) explained it in an older post (Oh, and it's not just about falling in love with the girl or something, don't go into predictable conclusions).

That girl's attitude (that could also be attributed to alcohol) has something to do with the great feeling I had this night. It's about a thought that I also had in the past but maybe it only gets more clear, more sincere, more lucid as long as time passes. As with other current nice thoughts and feelings which seem to be just an evolution of older ideas that didn't felt quite right back in the vast past till only recently. Anyways,. I just figured out again what's really wrong with the world (and still have only 5 minutes to transmit before the Vogon space fleet arrives :P).

I think that people judge too much. They like to have a personal opinion which is ok because bearing a personality means drawing your own conclusions about the world around you. Sometimes it seems like they wish to treat the "ignorants" of their faults, who are wrong in their lives and have to be led through the one and only right way in life. The one that the judging people are following of course. They seem to like judging or trying to affect anyone else's life even though this could lead in a hassle or hurting someone's feelings or even worse. They just can't shut the fuck up, can't stop breaking someone's balls who is not in need of judgement but understanding and acceptance.

Then I think that this is not the universal secret of why things go bad in the world (as that girl in hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy was about to reveal to the world before that stupid mistake took place :). I think that it is only my own interpretation of why things went wrong in my life. And not only my own but maybe several million other people's. People with similar needs as mine.

I am talking about my personal story here I guess. Though I think it's quite important because I can remember very very few people in my life with a mentality that's quite different than the common judging one most people have. That mentality in these few people is not even pretentious one. I can feel it on themselves. They are genuinely cool not as cool in neat but as in free. While even people who pretend to be free and open minded still draw some lines of what they fear and can't accept. But who wouldn't? Even I do it. Even I do get serious. I guess even me should learn how it's possible for those rare people to be so free. Free as in FREE! An aura of free :)

My personal story is also important because while judging could push a specific kind of people to improve their lives, it had the opposite effect on me and several other individuals with similar emotional needs. Some members in my family where extremely judging towards myself and that really killed my self esteem. Also, I tend to be affected negatively just by remembering what the common opinion of the world has to say about several aspects of my life. At least I used to. It really killed me. But now I am immune after personal considerations about my true nature and how judging or taking the blame just doesn't help me but draws me deeper into shit. The effect that judging has, was so bad on me that it was forcing me to spend years of my life trying to excuse myself about what I am and only get even more sad at the end. Now you know why I get so passionated about defending myself against the common beliefs.

A human quality so rare that it would make an impression on you (so rare that I could safely assume that you don't have it and I don't have it too, but we should definitely study how is it possible to exist on few) but remembering having encountered it in those people gives me a great feeling of hope. And several lessons..

p.s. There is more that I have to say in the future concerning all these. But better submit this one before another power failure occures :P

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