Each time I meet with my friend Antitec and open a discussion about my life, the demoscene, the dreams I haven't fullfilled or those I still want to bring to reality, what follows up is some kind of nihilistic conclusions that I always enjoy to talk about. Even if I don't totally agree, I do enjoy the insights of this discussion. The most remarkable for me is that I have learned to be optimistic and even laugh at our conclusions, I mean laugh at their true strange reality.
Antitec believes that we haven't enjoyed many moments in our lives. He always asks me if I can remember a single moment that I was really happy about, a moment that remains strong in memory. I always laugh at this point. Maybe because I really cannot remember any? And that is supposed to mean something.
Another phenomenon I truly enjoy realizing is the feeling of a missing time between now and the past. Recalling events of the past that feel like they were yesterday. As fellow CPC sceners, we recall the times we first released our latest CPC demos or Ovation the diskmag, wondering how many years have past till then, not being able to realize that it's like 5 years from a step beyond, almost 10 years from Ovation 5 or Bombastic 98. And it feels like it was yesterday. Being back at 98 feeling like the CPC scene is dead anymore and we are still here 10 years after having the same feeling. Except from the demoscene, personally I can't exactly recall the 7 months I spent in Karlsruhe as an Erasmus student. Which was a big event for me and I had a great time (even though I could have lived quite different in my current mentality). I also can't realize the one and a half year of my life having to do with the army. It's like it never happened. But is it so important? Could that mean anything???
As someone said, the past doesn't exist, the present is like a tiny moment that slips away in time, and future has not come yet (it's only revealed to us as a present moment that later slips into the past). It seems that I enjoy the feeling this insight brings back to me. Is it vanity? Is it nihilism? Realization? Definitelly it's something depressive or maybe ironic or just nothing..
The good thing is that I have developed something inside me, a kind of optimism, something like a realization, an acceptance of what I am, that I can perceive this information of missing time, of the one path I have been walking, of the philsophical meaning and our insights that it doesn't affect negatively. It's hard to explain but it really helps me get through the negative feelings regarding what I have gone through and the dream I never managed to live. It really helps me getting through the criticism against my way of life, something that I noticed only recently. It is a realization that didn't come from a single truth that can be expressed in few minutes (nor would it affect people instantly if it was expressed), but being an evolution of all my worries, my ideology, my insights, my bitterness, my realizations and the understanding of my nature and that of the rest of the world, an evolution for all these years since I first realized a focus in life, one taken with such obsession that brought me down for years, only to be reborn into something quite much stronger and in peace with the world around.
It is something that could maybe expressed in words but wouldn't simply help someone seeking for something similar in an instant. No matter how much logically these things could be expressed, no matter setting an emotional tone on these ideas, someone has to live through all these to evolve into something that can make him more optimistic and at peace with himself. And of course these are my words, my beliefs, not anybody's else. It wouldn't work the same for any other person as a universal meaning of life does not exist (or maybe it does but it does not help). Still, these ideas have to evolve through living and it's slow. And it still goes on. I am still evolving.
Literally, there were times when someone told me to get a life, or usually he said it indirectly. I did received an information that was too annoying for me and I couldn't respond. I was forced into endless excuses for my way of life, even alone talking to myself. It was really really bad! But suddenly someone comes and uses these keywords or expressions that would normally kill me. But I am content. I am content with myself and my way of life. And I do accept the world I live into. I do accept that most people would say the same things. About what is normal and what is not. About resembling most people. I do accept my silence. My inability to react. And I am happy that it doesn't touch me. I never tried to stop being affected by it. Maybe I was just fed up for the nth time and the trigger of negative feelings was erased from my brain? I am not sure. I just woke up oneday and it was gone. Actually,. not instantly. It evolved..
This is just one example. The realization of my nature and the worlds nature, that people do want to belong somewhere, that most people are neurotypicals, that sometimes people say things because they are common opinion without meaning it. The realization of what is hard to me because of my different nature. It's like a realization of a whole that brings peace to myself. Does it matter if it's the truth? As if anyone really cares about the truth :P
Though, these negative feelings once breed the passion for finding the truth, one that is more acceptable for me, that really satisfies me (even if I know it might not satisfy most other people), my anger, my wish to change what people believe, even if there is a vanity in these things, a feeling of vanity. Even if so, these feelings and this struggle is what made me wonder about the answers, fighting for something, maybe for the ideas/beliefs, for revealing the other side of the truth. I know I am a little ..high while writting these words and they maybe do not make a sense. But it's all good. While I got rid in a great percentage of these negative feelings, I do respect my whole passion and insistance into finding a more satisfactory truth, it's a beatiful gift and I think it is still here with me even if several things inside myself have changed. Afteralls sometimes I still get bitter with what the world claims, being still hooked onto the initial focus. It keeps me alive.
..and the main theme of missing time remains. The very interesting idea of the single road in our lives we only walk once. The things that have affected us. The things that made us what we are now. This reflection makes me dreaming even though it smells of nihilistic flavour for some. I believe that nothing is lost.
Recently I have finished with something I really wished to find time for, since the first time divx and torrents appeared. I don't watch TV. I used to with my family. But I don't. Since 1998. Because I am always focused on my next demoscene project which still needs more motivation, but I am afraid, I am afraid to loose some of my precious demomaking time for just watching TV. Well,. closing the lights and watching my favorite series alone in my PC would be a bit different.
Several years ago I first encountered some TV series I totally fell in love with. It was "the X-Files" and I maybe was 15 when they first showed up on TV. Later, either because the TV channel insisted in showing repeats of the same episodes or cause I discovered the demoscene and forgot everything else, I just stopped somewhere after the 3rd season. And recently I thought that because I can has torrentz and bucketz and divx now, it will be different. It will be great to watch few episodes at night alone in the dark, starting from the very first episode. Being a bit older I would also get grasp the whole conspiracy story, the insights and reflections, the drama and several interesting meanings in various of the episode. And I would watch it till the 9th season, till the end. I think I started 3 months ago and recently when I got sick and had to stay at home, I finished like 4 seasons in a row and all. The feeling was very strange. To get to the end of a wonderful told story.
Some people have developed a strong focus in life. It's something I could call "dangerous". Forgetting everything else about your life and just focusing into one passion. A passion leading to vanity. But I do believe someone has to go through this. And it's worth to walk this way. It really is worth! No matter the income. It's the soul that counts. Would it be more interesting to quit and live a normal and happy life?
Sometimes there is a traumatic event or a realization that changes someone's life from everyday crap to a strong focus that stays for a long time if not forever. Sometimes it just happen, maybe because someone's brains gets bored with normal and seeks for something else, something big. As it seems in the x-files series, it was when aliens abducted fox mulder's sister when she was 8 that changed mulder into what he is now. This big focus into learning the truth or searching for his sister is being mocked in some episodes and people wonder why someone would abandon the little things everyday life has to offer in order to search for a bigger meaning that maybe does not exist or is full of vanity? It's interesting to see whether mulder lives a normal life or goes on with his investigation when he learns a different truth about his sister or gets totally disturbed by the lies and confusion that someone had been breeding for a long. It's interesting to see how would someone react when he learns that all his focus was for nothing. That there is nothing to see, there was never anything or even if there is, nothing can be saved anymore. Even after these realizations though, I believe into the strength of the soul that bread this initial focus. Whether someone should stop the vanity and get a life or continue seeking for a bigger meaning than this, it's in his own decision. I am not here to judge and nobody is. Though I do believe it's worth. It makes me feel alive.
Maybe it's a bit different to seek for aliens because your sister was abducted than focusing into becoming a great demomaker because I couldn't receive any self-esteem from real life. And finally not getting the same in the scene too. I don't see any incident that suddenly changed my life and made me focus into this, just an instanteous obsession with doing something more interesting that few people can dream of. Programming things seeming impossible. Maybe not so romantic as searching for extraterrestrials and without a convincing reason. But it does feel great and even if it left my other side of life sterile, I have gained a lot of stuff from this. Another focus in parallel was to find the truth. The philosophical truth. Of course I know that the truth does not exist as we think of it or maybe it's far away from our perception, but what matters is the soul that motivates me into keep walking through all this strange trip. That went in parallel with my demomaking dreams, like walking alone in the city at night and talking to myself about my vanity or any other ideas that either disturbed me or hooked me in the past. My philosophical search for the truth hooked together with my vanity of not being able to fulfill my demomaking dreams. And even my sadness of the other side of my life or the loss of it. It's an amalgam that concluded into what I am today. A totallity that only recently I am able to perceive in it's whole. And accept it..
..and the walk goes on.