Thursday, May 22, 2008

The last moment for today..

Numerous thoughts were collected since my last post. And so, I guess that's the primary reason for the existence of this blog. It just comes like this as my thoughts do. Without worrying if anyone finds this boring or believes there is only one reason for blogs, different than this one. I like how it comes alone as it is. And as it comes and goes through parallel yet not identical issues, it happens once again that I have shifted away from the initial reason when I started. If there was any..

The last moment for today. The usual anxiety. How should I exploit the remaining time at best before I go to sleep and then wake up for yet another long day at work. I had this one even when I was jobless and dozens of hours were spent into doing nothing or just being anxious about doing nothing :P. What about now that maybe 5 or 6 hours remain for the rest of my day?

I toss between creativity or relaxation. Creativity is hard. Maybe during the first month in the work I've noticed I was still kinda active as a coder for the remaining hours in the evening at home. But that was only for the first month. It just doesn't happen anymore. Still my activity when I was jobless wasn't better and I didn't even had an excuse then. Relaxation is easier. Usually it's like playing a computer game, surfing on the net, doing other minor things and maybe watching some movie late at night. It leaves me an empty feeling of having accomplished nothing for today. Yesterday I went for creativity though and ended up at night with a code that I am proud of but a sad feeling that my precious relaxation time is over and I have to go back to sleep. Something I have never felt after finishing a good piece of code instead of being tempted to waste my time in another senseless mission on daggerfall (yes, my brand new top favorite game after doom!). Usually I feel like it's worth the time spent..

Sometimes I may decide to go out for a walk in order to avoid this "creativity vs relaxation" dilemma. Sometimes a friend calls and asks me to meet together. I never say no. Until only recently. Twice. Because of the job and the feeling that there are like 5 hours left for myself or my creative hobbies and was very tired to get dressed and go out. Today I had a great mood to start with some CPC code and then maybe go out for the remaining time but I had to stop my work earlier at the peak of my motivation because my friend phoned too early. Timings are not very good, how much if you have a very tight piece of time for yourself and your hobbies..

And now I am back. And I am wondering what I can do to add a little more meaning to this last moment before going to bed. Gaming? Nope. Some TV series? Maybe. Coding? Too late, these things need hours away. Writting something in this blog. Something that came out of my current state of mind. Even something senseless.

And there it is..

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Feeling more like writting..

Doh! I started writting this at 4:00 am (I am happy I have such a great mood to write late at night) and turned quite nice but couldn't finish it yesterday because of some wicked power offs (I've just figured that what I should first buy with my money from work is a UPS :P). Who sets the power off at such a late hour? First time it happens to me..

It's just came to my mind. I had a long time to make a nice feelingful walk on the city while listening to some music and thinking about stuff. The usual stuff. About life, the universe and everything. And so I have thought of more things I felt like writting in this blog. "Hey, that could be a nice entry to my blog" thingy thing. Nah,. my blog entries are boring. But I do like them and I do enjoy to read what the hell I was writting. Don't ask why we need to also release these thoughts to the internet if they are supposed to be something like a diary or personal thoughts :P

I will try to be sort this time because it's already 3:30 am even though I don't have to wake up early tomorrow to go to work. Usually when I say that, I get x10 times much longer text than I had originaly wished for..

I had the same feeling again. Concentrating on a thought that feels so great, so clear. Also remembering something from my past. My friend Antitec always asks me if I can remember a single moment in my life that I was really happy. He tries to show me that we haven't lived our lives in full yet, that there is something missing. Now I remembered a moment, one that when it comes makes me happy, about one person. I'd pinpoint this one just like when Don Juan asked something similar to Carlos Castaneda (yeah, I had an obsession with Castaneda in the past :). Hmm,. now I am thinking it, the question that Antitec asks is very similar to that of Don Juan. Though what Don Juan was expecting from Carlos Castaneda was maybe not something that Antitec would (but I don't know since I haven't asked him, I am just assuming). Not an ordinary life milestone was expected, not the day Carlos got his university degree, not the day he was married, not the day he first kissed a girl, not something like that. Something out of the ordinary, something not applying for a regular happy time, something unexpected that changes one life but maybe it cannot be seen as that. The hell I know exactly, but the moment I remember is something anyone would say that it's not a milestone or a special moment or anything important. It indeed wasn't in that sense. My life didn't seem to change the next day. But it is a single moment it makes me feel great when I remember, a moment I wouldn't like to have missed from my memory now I am thinking it. I have (maybe poorly) explained it in an older post (Oh, and it's not just about falling in love with the girl or something, don't go into predictable conclusions).

That girl's attitude (that could also be attributed to alcohol) has something to do with the great feeling I had this night. It's about a thought that I also had in the past but maybe it only gets more clear, more sincere, more lucid as long as time passes. As with other current nice thoughts and feelings which seem to be just an evolution of older ideas that didn't felt quite right back in the vast past till only recently. Anyways,. I just figured out again what's really wrong with the world (and still have only 5 minutes to transmit before the Vogon space fleet arrives :P).

I think that people judge too much. They like to have a personal opinion which is ok because bearing a personality means drawing your own conclusions about the world around you. Sometimes it seems like they wish to treat the "ignorants" of their faults, who are wrong in their lives and have to be led through the one and only right way in life. The one that the judging people are following of course. They seem to like judging or trying to affect anyone else's life even though this could lead in a hassle or hurting someone's feelings or even worse. They just can't shut the fuck up, can't stop breaking someone's balls who is not in need of judgement but understanding and acceptance.

Then I think that this is not the universal secret of why things go bad in the world (as that girl in hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy was about to reveal to the world before that stupid mistake took place :). I think that it is only my own interpretation of why things went wrong in my life. And not only my own but maybe several million other people's. People with similar needs as mine.

I am talking about my personal story here I guess. Though I think it's quite important because I can remember very very few people in my life with a mentality that's quite different than the common judging one most people have. That mentality in these few people is not even pretentious one. I can feel it on themselves. They are genuinely cool not as cool in neat but as in free. While even people who pretend to be free and open minded still draw some lines of what they fear and can't accept. But who wouldn't? Even I do it. Even I do get serious. I guess even me should learn how it's possible for those rare people to be so free. Free as in FREE! An aura of free :)

My personal story is also important because while judging could push a specific kind of people to improve their lives, it had the opposite effect on me and several other individuals with similar emotional needs. Some members in my family where extremely judging towards myself and that really killed my self esteem. Also, I tend to be affected negatively just by remembering what the common opinion of the world has to say about several aspects of my life. At least I used to. It really killed me. But now I am immune after personal considerations about my true nature and how judging or taking the blame just doesn't help me but draws me deeper into shit. The effect that judging has, was so bad on me that it was forcing me to spend years of my life trying to excuse myself about what I am and only get even more sad at the end. Now you know why I get so passionated about defending myself against the common beliefs.

A human quality so rare that it would make an impression on you (so rare that I could safely assume that you don't have it and I don't have it too, but we should definitely study how is it possible to exist on few) but remembering having encountered it in those people gives me a great feeling of hope. And several lessons..

p.s. There is more that I have to say in the future concerning all these. But better submit this one before another power failure occures :P

Saturday, May 10, 2008

I feel like I want to write today..

Blah :P

This explains today's orgy at Gates to Delirium. At least there I am allowed to write everything that comes in my mind, no matter if silly or senseless or stupid. I've also written a little entry at Plasma fun again today. And I am gonna finish this one. I had one or two months to write anything here. I don't care if it's senseless or boring. I just write what comes in my mind. But if it's tooooo silly then it goes to Gates. Maybe I should open a greek blog too oneday. Will I have time to write for that too? It doesn't matter as it's open and ready for action :)

Nothing to do with what is troubling me now but I had yet another time this "funny" feeling. Being far far away (not right now but a moment ago) from a computer and suddenly getting the "that would be a nice entry for my blog" jizz.

Heh,. I use words because of their sounding sense without knowing if they exactly fit there in terms of a meaning/translation. Jizz is a great PC 64k by TBL (like the Stash intro and their Astral Blur demo). Ok for now. I just wanted a word and jizz came into my mind because jizz is the sound of the electrical charge (an electrical charge hit my little neurons of my brain and suddenly gave me the idea that hey, that would be..). This is quite funny. Let me now search the greek-english vocabulary and try to see if it really fit. What I sense as fit and sound without knowing the meaning, does it really fit? (I'd like to write something like a small nonsense text oneday (for delirium blog :) without knowing the full meaning of any word. Would be fun!).

What I said is that.. let me search the online vocabulary.. oh my god it doesn't exist!!! Whatta hell were TBL thinking?!?

Forget that..

I like those hr's. When I joined the internet (hehe,. joined teh internet. Hehe :) I wanted to make a website. I made some huge abominations (I think I almost feel what this word means). Not even the internet archive of the past has them. I learned html and always typed it in the notepad. I still do. But I have ages, years to work on my obselete websites. Too much dedication. Maybe I'll try to find some time for learning PHP and SQL oneday to make some tools for automatic updates. That will be easier.

Ok,. this was irrelevant to the main subject (is there any?). I like to write like this. Where was I?

Oh yes. I will continue with some news. One month have passed since my employment. I received my first salary. It's really nice to go outside and say "Hey, let's buy that even if I don't need it (at least small things atm, like food, magazines, beer, etc.)", it's really nice to be able to pay for things your parents used to pay (medicine, clothes, etc), it's really really nice to treat your friends some food/drinks while they always treated you in the past because of zero pennies. It's really great! Though I have no life. Well,. I don't care much atm. It's just funny that people criticised me: "You're living with your parents (well, I still am but not for very soon), unemployed, doing nothing, just sitting there in front of the computer, etc". They criticised me of having no life but now that I got a job, I have no time to spend for a life. And still I do want to code when I come back home but I am too tired to do so or there is not much time and I have to sleep early. But I like it's irony. It's ok. Funny that now that I have money but no time, the only way to be happy is to be a consumer. And I am doing that one fairly well :)

Something else has occured to me lately. I don't know if it has anything to do with the job or my realizations about the multiverse but it's really really great and it makes me a very unserious person in such a degree that I may piss off the people who care. Care. Care.. care to break my balls!

But it's great! I tended to be the serious person, but not the serious kind who used to criticise the rest of the world. Serious only towards myself. It killed me. Several times in the past I begged for serenity. I expressed it here with short words. Of course it doesn't come when you wish for it, but it may come slowly slowly when you never expect it. Anyways, something great has happened for about 2 weeks or more and I really view myself and the world through another eye. One that does not care but accept also the situation in me and around myself. It only responds with humour (sarcasm, cynicism, etc) but also an expression of a different point of view. This is what I was analyzing yesterday as I walked the way to work and there is where the "jizzy thingy" snapped my brain and said "Hey! I should write that to my blog!!!". Ok, forget that.. a nutshell I was very curious to know what happened to me and what can I find from this. One nice explanation or a phrase to put things in a nutshell is that "My ego became emotionally detached from the world". Maybe it's not the right phrase to explain it, maybe for psychologists or shrinks it has a different meaning (even something telling them that I am a dangerous crazy dude :), but it's a row phrase to explain what I think I see. I still see the world and myself but from a different perspective where I don't (or my ego doesn't) care, or I see myself and it's connection to the world from a non egoistic perspective. Egoistic as in getting too serious, too concerned about my ego and how badly the world around inflicts damage to it. Maybe I was too tired to care all these years and I have set up an emotional detachment mode. Maybe going to the work and having no time for myself while nobody can blame me anymore because I am supposed to have a life while I don't. Maybe something. Maybe I unconsiously have chosen emotional detachment for serenity.

It's not that if you criticise me hard I won't feel bad. But I avoid doing so. I avoid as I have understood that I am living a lie. And that I was worrying about the lies we are struggling to live. Someone told me to not criticised what I haven't lived yet. If I don't become a "normal" person I won't know how it is. For me an excuse because most of them also never became true geeks for a period to know that it isn't so awful as it seems and shouldn't criticise it that hard. But anyways, I made the next step now, what most people think as another important part of our lifes, to have a job and not being lazy, and yet while I do like it because the anxiety has gone, I see in any way that there is no meaning. But if there is no meaning so there is no reason to be worried. Everything is a lie and maybe life is a game. But I have made some of the thoughts in the very past though I don't remember any emotional changes like the recent. Now I can have fun, great fun about my apathy, and just take a rest and enjoy my money as a consumer. I can have no life and be happy about it. Either way..

I say to myself "Live the lie" and I sense serenity. I just say that and do what I am supposed to do. Go to work, come home late, watch some movies in divx, maybe a demo and then sleep. The life at work isn't better. Time just goes by. Maybe I listen to a song in the morning on my MP3 player, have fun going to the work on feet, drinking some crap coffee or red bull, surfing the net and writting bullshit at Pouet in the morning for half an hour before I start working. And then back home. Maybe I'll discuss some funny stuff with my brother. Simple things. I enjoy my life in simple things. In the few hours remaining before the next day. And then when Saturday/Sunday comes, it's not enough. But it's a bit funnier because I can sleep. Maybe I wish I can now code but it doesn't happen. What I said being more productive in the evening after the job was just a short effect. Now it doesn't happen. Maybe it happens next week. I don't care..

And then I say: "The dream is still alive"

..whatever that means.

Sunday, May 04, 2008

Dreaming on missing time

Each time I meet with my friend Antitec and open a discussion about my life, the demoscene, the dreams I haven't fullfilled or those I still want to bring to reality, what follows up is some kind of nihilistic conclusions that I always enjoy to talk about. Even if I don't totally agree, I do enjoy the insights of this discussion. The most remarkable for me is that I have learned to be optimistic and even laugh at our conclusions, I mean laugh at their true strange reality.

Antitec believes that we haven't enjoyed many moments in our lives. He always asks me if I can remember a single moment that I was really happy about, a moment that remains strong in memory. I always laugh at this point. Maybe because I really cannot remember any? And that is supposed to mean something.

Another phenomenon I truly enjoy realizing is the feeling of a missing time between now and the past. Recalling events of the past that feel like they were yesterday. As fellow CPC sceners, we recall the times we first released our latest CPC demos or Ovation the diskmag, wondering how many years have past till then, not being able to realize that it's like 5 years from a step beyond, almost 10 years from Ovation 5 or Bombastic 98. And it feels like it was yesterday. Being back at 98 feeling like the CPC scene is dead anymore and we are still here 10 years after having the same feeling. Except from the demoscene, personally I can't exactly recall the 7 months I spent in Karlsruhe as an Erasmus student. Which was a big event for me and I had a great time (even though I could have lived quite different in my current mentality). I also can't realize the one and a half year of my life having to do with the army. It's like it never happened. But is it so important? Could that mean anything???

As someone said, the past doesn't exist, the present is like a tiny moment that slips away in time, and future has not come yet (it's only revealed to us as a present moment that later slips into the past). It seems that I enjoy the feeling this insight brings back to me. Is it vanity? Is it nihilism? Realization? Definitelly it's something depressive or maybe ironic or just nothing..

The good thing is that I have developed something inside me, a kind of optimism, something like a realization, an acceptance of what I am, that I can perceive this information of missing time, of the one path I have been walking, of the philsophical meaning and our insights that it doesn't affect negatively. It's hard to explain but it really helps me get through the negative feelings regarding what I have gone through and the dream I never managed to live. It really helps me getting through the criticism against my way of life, something that I noticed only recently. It is a realization that didn't come from a single truth that can be expressed in few minutes (nor would it affect people instantly if it was expressed), but being an evolution of all my worries, my ideology, my insights, my bitterness, my realizations and the understanding of my nature and that of the rest of the world, an evolution for all these years since I first realized a focus in life, one taken with such obsession that brought me down for years, only to be reborn into something quite much stronger and in peace with the world around.

It is something that could maybe expressed in words but wouldn't simply help someone seeking for something similar in an instant. No matter how much logically these things could be expressed, no matter setting an emotional tone on these ideas, someone has to live through all these to evolve into something that can make him more optimistic and at peace with himself. And of course these are my words, my beliefs, not anybody's else. It wouldn't work the same for any other person as a universal meaning of life does not exist (or maybe it does but it does not help). Still, these ideas have to evolve through living and it's slow. And it still goes on. I am still evolving.

Literally, there were times when someone told me to get a life, or usually he said it indirectly. I did received an information that was too annoying for me and I couldn't respond. I was forced into endless excuses for my way of life, even alone talking to myself. It was really really bad! But suddenly someone comes and uses these keywords or expressions that would normally kill me. But I am content. I am content with myself and my way of life. And I do accept the world I live into. I do accept that most people would say the same things. About what is normal and what is not. About resembling most people. I do accept my silence. My inability to react. And I am happy that it doesn't touch me. I never tried to stop being affected by it. Maybe I was just fed up for the nth time and the trigger of negative feelings was erased from my brain? I am not sure. I just woke up oneday and it was gone. Actually,. not instantly. It evolved..

This is just one example. The realization of my nature and the worlds nature, that people do want to belong somewhere, that most people are neurotypicals, that sometimes people say things because they are common opinion without meaning it. The realization of what is hard to me because of my different nature. It's like a realization of a whole that brings peace to myself. Does it matter if it's the truth? As if anyone really cares about the truth :P

Though, these negative feelings once breed the passion for finding the truth, one that is more acceptable for me, that really satisfies me (even if I know it might not satisfy most other people), my anger, my wish to change what people believe, even if there is a vanity in these things, a feeling of vanity. Even if so, these feelings and this struggle is what made me wonder about the answers, fighting for something, maybe for the ideas/beliefs, for revealing the other side of the truth. I know I am a little ..high while writting these words and they maybe do not make a sense. But it's all good. While I got rid in a great percentage of these negative feelings, I do respect my whole passion and insistance into finding a more satisfactory truth, it's a beatiful gift and I think it is still here with me even if several things inside myself have changed. Afteralls sometimes I still get bitter with what the world claims, being still hooked onto the initial focus. It keeps me alive.

..and the main theme of missing time remains. The very interesting idea of the single road in our lives we only walk once. The things that have affected us. The things that made us what we are now. This reflection makes me dreaming even though it smells of nihilistic flavour for some. I believe that nothing is lost.

Recently I have finished with something I really wished to find time for, since the first time divx and torrents appeared. I don't watch TV. I used to with my family. But I don't. Since 1998. Because I am always focused on my next demoscene project which still needs more motivation, but I am afraid, I am afraid to loose some of my precious demomaking time for just watching TV. Well,. closing the lights and watching my favorite series alone in my PC would be a bit different.

Several years ago I first encountered some TV series I totally fell in love with. It was "the X-Files" and I maybe was 15 when they first showed up on TV. Later, either because the TV channel insisted in showing repeats of the same episodes or cause I discovered the demoscene and forgot everything else, I just stopped somewhere after the 3rd season. And recently I thought that because I can has torrentz and bucketz and divx now, it will be different. It will be great to watch few episodes at night alone in the dark, starting from the very first episode. Being a bit older I would also get grasp the whole conspiracy story, the insights and reflections, the drama and several interesting meanings in various of the episode. And I would watch it till the 9th season, till the end. I think I started 3 months ago and recently when I got sick and had to stay at home, I finished like 4 seasons in a row and all. The feeling was very strange. To get to the end of a wonderful told story.

Some people have developed a strong focus in life. It's something I could call "dangerous". Forgetting everything else about your life and just focusing into one passion. A passion leading to vanity. But I do believe someone has to go through this. And it's worth to walk this way. It really is worth! No matter the income. It's the soul that counts. Would it be more interesting to quit and live a normal and happy life?

Sometimes there is a traumatic event or a realization that changes someone's life from everyday crap to a strong focus that stays for a long time if not forever. Sometimes it just happen, maybe because someone's brains gets bored with normal and seeks for something else, something big. As it seems in the x-files series, it was when aliens abducted fox mulder's sister when she was 8 that changed mulder into what he is now. This big focus into learning the truth or searching for his sister is being mocked in some episodes and people wonder why someone would abandon the little things everyday life has to offer in order to search for a bigger meaning that maybe does not exist or is full of vanity? It's interesting to see whether mulder lives a normal life or goes on with his investigation when he learns a different truth about his sister or gets totally disturbed by the lies and confusion that someone had been breeding for a long. It's interesting to see how would someone react when he learns that all his focus was for nothing. That there is nothing to see, there was never anything or even if there is, nothing can be saved anymore. Even after these realizations though, I believe into the strength of the soul that bread this initial focus. Whether someone should stop the vanity and get a life or continue seeking for a bigger meaning than this, it's in his own decision. I am not here to judge and nobody is. Though I do believe it's worth. It makes me feel alive.

Maybe it's a bit different to seek for aliens because your sister was abducted than focusing into becoming a great demomaker because I couldn't receive any self-esteem from real life. And finally not getting the same in the scene too. I don't see any incident that suddenly changed my life and made me focus into this, just an instanteous obsession with doing something more interesting that few people can dream of. Programming things seeming impossible. Maybe not so romantic as searching for extraterrestrials and without a convincing reason. But it does feel great and even if it left my other side of life sterile, I have gained a lot of stuff from this. Another focus in parallel was to find the truth. The philosophical truth. Of course I know that the truth does not exist as we think of it or maybe it's far away from our perception, but what matters is the soul that motivates me into keep walking through all this strange trip. That went in parallel with my demomaking dreams, like walking alone in the city at night and talking to myself about my vanity or any other ideas that either disturbed me or hooked me in the past. My philosophical search for the truth hooked together with my vanity of not being able to fulfill my demomaking dreams. And even my sadness of the other side of my life or the loss of it. It's an amalgam that concluded into what I am today. A totallity that only recently I am able to perceive in it's whole. And accept it..

..and the walk goes on.
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