7 days left. To finish with the army I mean. This is good news!
There are no bad news. Just a little frustration. One part of myself wants to be active in the scene but another side of me understands it's a little vain especially if I take it too seriously. Well, even if I didn't try to bother much I was disappointed by my unability to finish a twister 256b effect for the CPC (In fact it's an easy effect, but the noise in the netcafe, the long time since I last coded assembly for Z80 and some other psychological aftereffects forced me to quit).
Actually what I am afraid when I start to code something, expecting the usual negative outcome, is that I may loose several hours on a vain democoding project with no end result, also becoming frustrated for the rest of the day while I could also use these hours for relaxing, playing some game, writting this blog or anything. But here is the other side too: Being afraid of a failed productivity I prefer to abandon democoding and instead play some game or surf in the net. For the latter I am sure I will enjoy it more than a failed coding trial for the day, though if the coding suceeds then it's more deserving as a final product of creativity than computer entertainment. I think here is the sharp edge of the story, the two sides of a coin, should I relax and do something else that is less important that creating something, or should I try creating something which although if it doesn't succeed then it would be better I wouldn't have started it at first. But I can't just take either because I want to feel creative but I don't want to be frustrated and loose the rest of the day in something that doesn't sees the light at the end.
Of course if I was coding something else then I would have unreleased code that would be reused. But here, a tiny code intro is code I have to throw away. Maybe the experience of it is what remains. And the experience of thinking about productivity again, these thoughts.
Another bad thing is that each time I am frustrated for yet another time, I start to be afraid ever more of setting a new demoscene project. I mean,. it's like I get more allergic to the appeal of demo competitions, deadlines and the scene or even computers in general. And lately I had many frustrations at least in the 8bit side like for example the Primary Star 2007 invitation I last coded for the C64 but after making bigger plans it ended into something very simple and lame and I didn't spent like 3 days for it but maybe a month (which translates into something like 25 days of lameness and dissatisfaction and only the last days coding something in a haste. Hell, I was also planning a special twister for that one :P). I really plan to code a decent C64 demo with newschool effects but I know it won't be easy anymore. So, I may drive away from the thought of making something on the C64 for a period.
Of course, being in the army does mean that I couldn't get hold of a computer near me to code something. Though, it's not an excuse because there were smaller or bigger periods when I was not inside the army camp but at home (even a 6 months period) though I couldn't kick my ass to be productive (nor do the jokes and challenges sets by others I guess :P) and got even more frustrated. However, this does not happen when I code C projects on the PC or the Gamepark, maybe because it's much easier to code in a compiler than assembler and you can even throw good random stuff on the screen even when I am lazy or unable to concentrate. Today I would gladly praise higher level languages and modern compilers when in the past I was an assembler fan :)
In the army, I also produced 3 hours demo (This one in 3 hours on a PC inside the army camp! Almost half the time spent to not finish a single CPC twister :P) and later during my free 6 months period the Re-re-recycle GP2X demo (even though this one was ugly but fun to make without much frustrations), also Flowz (Vain 1kb code). The C projects were much more fun to code even if still vain (Why release a mediocre demo done in a hurry? Heh,. why release a demo at all??? I think I am loosing it..)
And so, this concludes that I think I am loosing it but maybe I do and maybe I don't :P
I still have plans for 2008, though another plan is that I change the priorities between my demoscene hobby and other activities in my life, so that I don't get sucked(focused) by something that dissatisfy my at the end as usual while forgetting the rest. Just a change of focus. It's not easy but if I see that democoding sucks my life without making me happy, I will change side. This will be hard because one part of myself will still dream of creating something good in the demoscene, I will dwelve further into the new plan though.
It was supposed to be fun. What have I done?