Friday, November 16, 2007

Back at last.

I was missing for 2 weeks from the internet because of the army. Currently I am in Kilkis which is very close to Thessaloniki and things are very well here but I will live this place soon because it's just a recruitment center. I don't know where I will go next but I don't care much because only 3 months remain. What matters me most is what's coming next, even though I try to avoid thinking of the future.

I am in a much better state concerning how I view things and during the time in the army several good changes occured that I believe they will help me move on with more self-esteem in life. Though it's not what most people think. They beleive that the army environment changes you by making you more "man" or by teaching you to think more in a way that helps you survive in the greek society. Someone also thought that because I didn't tie my army boots the way the army wants then I differ in a negative way, that I need to grow up, that the army has to kill me psychologically in order to get things done and convert me into a "man". Nothing of all these happened.

Instead I was so much fed up, not only with the army, but especially because I had to live together with 20 "normal" guys with the same predictable attitude and views that I fail to argue with, that I decided to just believe in myself and not give a damn. Well it was always like this, it's just that in this annoying environment I really said the self-pitty is over and I will just remain strong mentally against the attacks of the ideas around my world and especially inside myself.

Maybe it was also the time I learned more about OCD, Asperger's and some of their elements said things about myself. It was the time I made some interesting conclusion regarding the way most people think and react, how they socialize and what are their motives in comparison to my own ways and motives. I have even noticed that most people really don't care as much as me while I take things too seriously to be able to live in this world without anxiety. Several of these ideas for some reasons gave me more self-esteem or maybe a different air towards social situations. But it's still not what people would think. People want to change you. They would expect me to look social now. No! They may still see me being ackward or not talking too much in a social situation, they will see no change, but in my view and my liking I have changed because I don't feel too insecure now when I notice that I am still the introverted guy. The fact is that I changed inside me and I am still working on with that change, at least I am more optimistic than ever that I will reach a good point soon. And I need it by the day I'll end with my army duty because bigger challenges are coming in my life.

So, no. I haven't changed even an inch the way they want me to change. I have changed what I feel inside me. For them I am still the same shit. For me, I can bravely and with self-esteem stop listening to them anymore!

There are several other articles I'd like to write now. Maybe soon, maybe later..


Aasemoon said...

Optimus, enjoyed your last paragraph a lot. Stay true to yourself as you have, way to go.

Optimus said...

Thank you!

nitro2k01 said...

My OCD traits tell me aasemoon was actually referring to the next to last paragraph. (So, no. I haven't changed even...)

And I think it's the same for me.

Optimus said...

Yes, that's the paragraph I think she was meaning of course. No wait,. you mean she should say "next to last paragraph?". Of course that's the paragraph I understood. Ok I am just confused but never mind :)

What else to say? I am currently near the borders of Greece with Turkey and in order to login the net I have to travel to a near city, the taxi costs 7 euros (but of course I try to find other people to go together with so that I pay only a small percentage) and then the netcafe costs 2.5 euros per hour. Damn.. I also try to install DevC++ here to code something. Hehe it's like party coding with lot's of noise and smoke and yelling but just bloody gamerz :)

nitro2k01 said...

Coding for €2.5/hour? That gives you a good reason to keep up the speed. :D

Optimus said...

That's what I thought too. However I get no motivation to code currently. I will better watch some demos. (Also I found one that is 1.5euro per hour but still too much expense when I will be out of the army for the rest of the day)

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