Thursday, September 13, 2007
Look at this scheme. It's just another theory trying to make a connection between four different mental disorders that seem to relate somehow. Yet it's interesting and the first thing I find when googling for "OCD autism". Someone told me that many people on the autistic spectrum also show OCD symptoms. It was interesting for me to find out more about it and how things really relate because I believe there must be something else that explains all these cases instead of strict medical categorization. There is a vast variety of people out there and each of these disordered people is unique. Sometimes the medical distinction doesn't match with various cases and this either leads to confusion or invention of new disorders. So, I have a great urge to find out more about all these and where my place is and that's what I am going to discuss here for a while.
In this scheme, OCD is only about the popular side of it, like object sorting, excessive cleaning, etc. There is no place for my kind of Pure-O OCD, the repeative thoughts totally taking place inside my mind without showing any external rituals. What is interesting here is the 3rd column. It seems that my Pure-O OCD matches mostly this column even if not for sure. Another strange thing is that here Asperger's is explained as the struggle of someone to organize his thoughts about everything he senses. Asking someone what is autism or AS in a nutshell, he'd reply that it shows as the inability/difficulty to communicate/socialize because social skills do not come naturally to this kind of people, thus they have to learn them manually. It's nowhere here on this scheme, however someone would easily connect the explanation here (Organizing thoughts, trying to make perfect sense from all things around) to the inability in socialization (Remember my previous post, socializing is not about the truth but foreplay) => (I will explain this later). And then there is Kanner's autism which is just about the other side of autism where the individual is too sensitive to lights, sounds, etc. And also ADHD which I cannot analyze right now but really need to learn more..
What surprised me is how much the 3rd column in the scheme fits me. Please, I don't try to claim that I am autistic or anything here (currently I am only 100% entirely sure about my Pure-O OCD) and you don't need to bring on the argument of imaginary disorders. Let's say that I am just talking in theory and wish to point out some things that I find interesting.
It seems that trying to obsessively explain everything I sense around me by analyzing deeply, constantly talking to myself and writting huge texts where I repeat several of my ideas I don't feel absolutely confident with yet, is happening so excessively that I cannot doubt much about fitting in this category. Even the label "understanding" really speaks to myself about it. I am so obsessive about the perfect truth, the one that defies any doubt, that which speaks really of UNDERSTANDING of what is actually there, hidden by the piles of imaginary ideas that we use to communicate. I really feel that I don't relate by words and their feelings but trying to sense/understand what is there, how I feel about anything, what's the possibility with the rest of the world that I try to understand in order to have a whole answer, which might also be a vain search however it doesn't matter right now. What matters is that something in my nature (or my personality someone would say, doesn't matter for now) compels my mind to really think like this. It's what drives my endless ruminations and big texts.
The Asperger's explanation that my Pure-OCD matches more in this scheme but still not entirely because it does not mention thoughts that are incompatible to the individual's personality but only the struggle to organize thoughts according to your senses in a way that all makes perfect sense. Though, this element seems to be very primary in my case of endless ruminations and at the beginning I thought it's just a side effect of my OCD. But then I find it here as a primary element of Asperger's. Strange.
Now some good questions would be: What is the common thing that connects Asperger's and OCD, how the overanalyzing/thought organizing compulsions relate to Pure-O OCD irrelevant annoying thoughts and how is the social inability also connected to all these?
In an attempt to draw some fast conclusions, I'd start from the thought organizing compulsions and say that it seems to be connected with everything else. I think that this issue relates with my previous blog post concerning my obsession with the truth and how most of the other world (and so socialization too) works in a different way of thinking.
About the ugly thoughts of Pure-O OCD. I am so strict with what is there and how I sense things that I cannot leave the fact alone that a random thought of something I disapprove suddenly past through my mind. Maybe thoughts come randomly and have nothing to do with the personality of the individual but though it really mattered me that I made that ugly thought I am ashamed about or incompatible with. Now imagine someone who even does not care about the contradictions in his everyday beliefs. He would care even less about his random thoughts because nobody can read his mind and so for the people around him he is still a great guy. I mean,. it really matters me to the core about everything I think and whether it's compatible with myself. No matter if I can hide it, it still hurts me inside. For other people, what matters is what you show and not what you really are. Maybe they are not much aware of their true self or do not wish to. In fact I can't know how other people think and feel, but I do know that this obsession of all my thoughts being in order really makes a sense concerning the fact that some random thoughts annoy me. This is another theory of how the 3rd column and Pure-O OCD could be connected.
And what about the social inability? There are several relations here. First of all, remember the previous thread, socialization is incompatible with what is really there but rather works with what shows to be as most people will like to perceive. It's not the truth, it's not actuality, it's just senseless and contradictory. So? What if someone would not care and just try to socialize regardless if it's true or not? What if I try to just be myself regardless the reactions? What makes me struggle is fear and while someone would say it has nothing to do with the inability of autistic people to socialize, I regularly read that some people in the autistic spectrum are living between two worlds and there is an awareness that someone actually is ackward in social situations. I know about such people who ask to themselves "What am I supposed to do now? How do I react in that social situation? What did I do wrong?". Maybe there are some autistic persons who don't ask these questions and are totally lost in their own world but there are others who are aware of their autistic condition. And that creates fear and doubts concerning social situations, which drives them off.
Still, there are a lot of things unsolved, and while I started writting something about thoery of mind and it's contradictions, I discovered that I have to read a lot more first. Also, the post became much bigger than I thought and so I'll stop here.
What I know now is that my excessive way of thinking that causes also those ruminations and big texts is what is described in that table. Regardless if it's named Asperger's or has no connection, it seems to be connected with my OCD.
And yet I must find out more..
p.s. The scheme and categorization is explained in this site