Monday, August 06, 2007

Fed Up!

What's the meaning of writting this?
For whom am I writting it?
Do I think I am some kind of a special dude that everyone has to read about his life?
Doesn't reality tells me that I am just one in a bunch of billions? And this one only in this planet..
Why do we talk about lifes?
Isn't life just an idea? Life as in "having a life", "get a life", etc.
What do I seek? What do we seek? Why people don't like what do I seek? Do I know actually what I seek?
Should there be a purpose?
Why am I said with having a purpose that I can't comply with at the end?
Why am I stuck here?
Isn't purpose just another illusion?
Does the universe has a purpose for us? Nope. It's us who expect things from ourselves!
Why do I take things so seriously?
Why all these questions? And even if they were answered, did they really help me to feel better at this moment? Or change my life for the better?

Hell, why do I talk about life? Why do we use the word "life" in a sense of social success? Why do we find such importance here? In a delusion we have build full of expectations? And if I don't ask for a purpose then how can I live without a purpose?

Ain't I the same stuck and confused then?

Actually I had another question for myself as a challenge. Or it was just an angry statement. All those many years I was living into my fixations. I was indiferrent about real life (real life? Just another imaginary word. So, there is an unreal life too?) but had rather my own life with it's expectations inside the demoscene community and maybe few other personal things too. My fixation was at first, that since I was unsuccesful in so called real life, I would at least become a great programmer or something. I would be the geek who would be neat in a world other than the real world! I had this dream even years before meeting the demoscene, which was just my area of activity for my early expectation from myself. So, instead of trying to be succesful in real life (for which for some reasons I didn't cared much) I would at least be in the demoscene. But I am just the pathetic dude in both and even the mockery (which is another mystery to me since they say I am just an attention-whore and it sometimes seems like this).

My other fixation was talking too much to myself, analyzing everything like hell and seeking for some kind of thing called truth. I could already see that this is vain even though I had no other reason in life than seek. Sometimes I even thought I would become some great special person, that I could dive deeper into facts and find what people can't see (because it felt to me that I really had that ability, especially when noticing that most people respond with predictable quotes/ideas that are just popular memes). So I thought I could give answers to our great questions and solve our problems (Even before solving my own problems? Duh!). How vain I was?

Why me? Is this a reason why half of the people at Pouet hate me? And the rest of the half love me because I am just too pathetic or remind a part of themselves? Did I gave them the idea that I am just someone who's so boastful and everyone needs to listen to my ideas? Why me? Why MY ideas? What's so special in ME that is more special than every other blog-whore in the world? How could I be so stupid?

Hell,. I am even discussing about people who hate me or love me at Pouet! I am obsessed with that..

Sometimes I felt like my deep analysis in several matters could eventually reveal interesting knowledge to me that are not just there to compensate for my vanity, rather than actually helping me understand what's going on with me really. Maybe also giving me some actual knowledge that can be used for the betterment of my life or emotional state, or give me the proper dedication to move on with things, giving me a good reason to get rid of some of my obsession or old bad habits. Anything that would show to have an actual possitive effect (and not something like a placebo effect based on an imaginary idea) on anything in my life, rather than just theories that seem to make a sense or being usable but never actually getting there.

Oh yes, I forgot where I started from. The challenging question! The angry statement!!!

That I was fed up.

Fed up of all these years seeking that something I never found, taking things seriously, being obsessed about either being active on something creative as the demoscene or finding the truth. Especially the later led me into endeless brainwork but even after so many years my life seems to be the same. There are parts I haven't helped myself because I haven't answered, but even to those I have given answers there seems to be no progress. Of course I have a better understanding of things, I have finally some facts(truths?) that finally feel like strict ground to base upon. And I was very happy about that! But now? It's always the same here, my same old habbits that I can never seem to fight, the same attitude, same expectations, my illusions I can't get rid of, but it's not that I think it's wrong to live under a purpose (especially that is too unrealistic for myself), I just don't know what's right and what's wrong anymore and if anything has a meaning. Whether I need to find any truth, to analyze how to move or just move? Do you understanding?

But just doing things doesn't work to. Because I am too tired after all these years and very unmotivated, almost lost any reason to do some things I loved to to do. Did I?

So, what we have here is two life obsessions that nobody will disagree with. To become a great programmer and a great thinker. I had expectations. Too vain..

..and I will start hating anyone who says that my problem is that I should get a life and that finding a girlfriend will solve everything. I just hate it!

People are telling me that life is so simple and I just make it too confusing. I hate this too! Because you were never inside my mind to understand how is the view from up here..

Real life and a girlfriend are just expectations too, even though the second one would be something entirely new for me and might drive me into new sensations that will divert my focus from the "problems" I am currently talking about. The problems that are just a delusion in a sense. Bring me a new delusion to stay away from the old ones!

It's funny however how much people dislike acts of vain glory. And how everything revolve mostly around "real" life. They don't like the image of a person who had an idea about himself, as if that idea was harmful about them. Even if he is just another one just like them who once had a greater plan in his life. It's funny how people instantly reject the idea of that vain man while I don't see what's so harmful about himself. He might only be harmful towards himself because of his unrealistic expectations. But people react as they are afraid of something..

I know that I will wake up tomorrow and lead the same life. Not that all of my obsessions are fully negative, I'd like to keep the good stuff from them, but it seems like my emotional habbits will kick in yet another day. Maybe it's just a bad day where it seems like the rest, maybe it's my wrong estimation that nothing goes on, maybe progress is there but it's slow and slowly slowly I will manage to change something. To want results now is another wrong expectation. For a while it's nice to clean up some things about myself,.. to myself :P

Somehow even this mixed up with my current feelings, being something wonderful that I could never expect to watch in my life, like a demo someone imagines for hours during his daydreaming but never manage to actually make. Yet reminding me of me daydreaming of great things that I never manage to finish because I am just a lazy bum with other issues to fix :P

Maybe I am just jealous that someone else had this kind of success that I could never reach, and that someone being the one with the act of annoying mockery of what is my life and what kind of a joke I am in the demoscene? How wouldn't the success of someone else that I also seek live me mixed feelings? Why do I feel like am in a long lost battle? Why am I so stupid?!

Everything is inside my head. I am angry because things didn't turned up. I am angry because of expectations. I am angry with myself who thinks I am something special that deserve to get all these. And I wonder how other people manage. Am I just too lazy? Nope, this answer seems like injustice to me. It can't be! I would never anyways now how much easier or not is for people to get what I didn't. I will never know how easier or not it is for them..

It's sad but sometimes I really need to say that to myself! I only hate when other people are telling me the same shit because they never know how difficult it is for me.

But do I know? Have I ever dived into the minds of other people that are not as unsuccesful as me, to see if they also have gone through the same oppresion, if it was the same hard psychologicaly for them and they tried more than me?
Have I prooven that it is indeed harder for me?
But how people manage doing all these stuff?
And if I don't know, how come can they claim they know and criticise me so easilly?
Success? A delusion.
Vanity. Even "real" life success is vain.
Society is vain in that aspect. If I didn't had my own fixations, I would be seeking with despair to be succesful inside society. Wouldn't that be vain too?
Does it have to be something that most people don't like to be vain?

All of us are having expectation and seek for something in life. Everything is just a delusion of what we think of. We build up the expectations. Then why do I struggle either with a purpose or no purpose at all?

Just questions..

..and it never ends


James said...

Wow! Nicely erupted diatribe. To have been tricked into trying to solve an impossible problem once seen does elicit anger. This seems healthy. After all, there is order with out purpose and you have expressed your self in a very ordered and clear fashion. A reader could not help resonating with your perplexity. The anger will subside and you will realize that you may not be the best, but you are darned good.

And you may not be a "deep" thinker, but you think very well in word and deed. You are preparing to do something different and keep doing what you do so well--it will be interesting for the rest of us to see what happens next in your life. Sounds promising.

Optimus said...

Something else I was thinking today about some of these problem is that I am mainly a man of sorrow.

I mean, in another system of seeing things (which is just my theory) there are different ways people react to some things like failure or a negative view of their daily life. The two of them which are negative with each other I see now is anger or sorrow.

I think a reason that after all this struggle in my life I couldn't still change some things or it seems to me like so, is that most of the times I react with sorrow. People who react with anger, sometimes anger is also something like stuborness, like they are saying "No! I am not gonna leave my life this way. I will fight it!!!". I can't explain it. I don't seem to have the balls for change as other friends. And their criticism that this is the problem that I don't fight enough leads me to ever more sorrow. So I don't think their suggestion to just do more with more stuborness works exactly for me. Or maybe it's not the time to feel anger instead of sorrow.

It's like saying in anger "I am not gonna let it this way! I will not wake up tomorrow and see that my life is the same shit!!!" and based in that anger that becomes stuborness (I don't know if the meaning of the word is right, it's to fight it harder) they make changes, new choices in life that I wouldn't dare, etc.

Except if their feeling of not having a life is ten times more painful than my feeling. Except if I don't really care so much hard as them about my condition. But I am sad, I just can't find the power to do some things and this understanding of my barriers only leads me to sorrow.

p.s. I had something with both my laptop and my desktop PC was also broken (though I fixed the second somehow) so I also wasn't so frequently in the net and hadn't repied to your emails except from some netcafe. I will do so soon!

Optimus said...

The two of them which are negative (negative = opposite I wanted to say) with each other I see now is anger or sorrow.

Also, could there be a third way somewhere in the middle? But is it when I am calm and not caring, before I return back to the realisation of things I don't like and then become sorrow? Is the neutral point here something that just makes me sleep till I wake up and have the same problems in front of me? Or why should I care if it's all imaginary? Then why am I sad?

lompas said...

Optimus, just to clarify a couple of things:

I *don't* mock your life or your scene career. I'll be the first to applause your new demo, your scene award nomination (I was more pleased by that than by our 5-6 nominations) etc. My respect for you has grown over the past 3 years. You have improved your social skills, it seems, on many fronts.

I have been taunting you and having a laugh no less than I do with other people who seem to take it more lightly. I don't think I overdid it, I don't think I bullied you, but then again different people have different limitations as to what they can take.

If I have offended you I apologise. And that includes the compo (but it was for a laugh, can't you see it?) and my comments for your youtube army dance.

So ok, I hope this is good enough for you.

Optimus said...

Ok, maybe I take things too seriously. Maybe it's good that we clarify things. Maybe I was in a bad mood.

When I wrote this paragraph still something in me told me to delete it because it might produce misunderstandings, but something else resisted inside me maybe because I wanted to reveal how I feel. It's a small part only of the whole blog too that tries to show my anger about how seriously stuck I am in some things, not intended to blame you for this, the text is mostly concentrated on me.

I don't know what to think about this. I wouldn't like by staying serious to make other people worry whether something they said harmed me, but sometimes I can't help it.

In fact I decided to clear up some things too. I really felt sometimes that you had something with me, it seemed I was the favorite person to joke about maybe for various reasons, and it felt to me like you overdid it (that's why I also avoided to go to #demo-gr irc, even though it's not specifically beacuse of you, rather that it seems at the end that I have connected some negative feelings with the scene and specific sceners even though I don't have something against these people), although maybe joking is something that you just like in general and I take it too seriously. I don't think you have something against me and I don't have something against you.

This is just how I feel. I don't know if I should write this, I hope you are not mad at me for all this.

Ok, maybe oneday I'll stop taking things seriously and I am working on it. I'll see..

And sorry for the misunderstanding. I am not sure if it's too clear, but yes I have connected in the past negative feelings with specific things and people in the scene, which I know is something I should disconnect in the future because the scene is not something to be taken seriously.

And to be even more clear, I had negative feelings sometimes about even you and most of the ASD group (Was I feeling too inferior and seeing you as the elite? :P), other greek sceners (there were people I liked and others I disliked just because it felt so) and of course several people at Pouet too (but let's forget it). And to avoid more misunderstandings, this doesn't mean something is bad about yourself or these people, but just my view was negative maybe based on how I felt in the past when interacting with all these sceners.

At each paragraph I stopped, but I said "No! You shall reveal more of your feelings..". I hope I have revealed everything just to be clear. No offense, just how I feel.

Optimus said...

And I hope I didn't produced more misunderstanding at the end.

lompas said...

fair enough optimus. ASD loves you and to prove that, here is my proposal:

would you like to work with me on the next project ? There are certain things I need to do for an October release. You can help with sound, graphics and design. Send me an email for more - you know where you can find me. I'm not joking either.

Optimus said...

Thanks for the offer but I am not sure whether I am willing to work on anything for the scene right now.

First of all I doubt I can do something good enough on graphics, sound or design and if it would be for an ASD demo I would need more dedication so that it's good enough. Secondly I was so overwhelmed by demoscene activity this summer (which was something like being anxious for 1.5 month and only work for 3 days at the end just to finish a crappy C64 invitation. So much time lost and so much frustration) that I have decided to discard all my scene plans I originally made. This was before you made the offer and while this one is appealing, it might bring up new plans on the table and make me anxious again for something I cannot afford contributing in my current condition.

I hope you don't take this no as an offense. Maybe another time I will be in a better situation to work together with you if we wish so. There is no need to prove anything, it's me who take things seriously and you who take things lightly and so I don't think ASD don't like me because they would be deadly seriously then :P

Now I'll need some rest and stay for a while away from things overwhelming me.

lompas said...

The reason for this call is because I genuinely need your advice on some things regarding 8-bit sprite design.

Anyway, it is not a big project and you can join whenever (if) you want. There is still plenty of time (but keep it secret).

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