Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Memorial

I wanted to write this since a long time ago. Something about an almost friend who left the world exactly 4 years ago. It is about someone I first met only a month before learning the news about his death, a person with whose problems and worries I felt familiar but it was too late to know him more and discuss our concerns since things have happened so fast and unexpectedly. We even exchanged our addresses during the last meeting he organized at his home in Athens and then I decided to exchange CPC demos with him through mailswapping and also learn some news from his side. I sent him a letter first but never got a reply. I only learned the reason later.



Catloc was one of the earliest sceners in the greek CPC scene. He has produced over 30 CPC demos since 1992. What I can remember is his excessive enthousiasm about the CPC and it's demos as well as his instant mood swings concerning the scene and his life. There were times he left the scene for a long period as he felt there was something wrong with it or maybe he couldn't find happines there. Whatever the reason was, everything I know about him comes out from the greek CPC diskmags of that era, years before I even joined the scene. I felt there was something familiar with his and my own worries, especially during the times I was reading his interview and stories about the greek CPC scene in the diskmags.



Catloc felt almost like a friend. What I mean is, I didn't managed to know him very well and befriend from the very first CPC meeting, but I had that familiar feeling even before meeting him when I first read some articles regarding him in the CPC diskmags of the 95-96 era. I specifically remember in one of his interview, while bitter, he begged for something else than computers from the scene (I found the text: What was you relationships with the scene? Computerized.). I didn't took that reply that time as an annoying tease about geeks who need to get a life or something (as my typical reaction would be). But as an ask for something different from his scene friends. He was deep into his own problems and all that he got at that time from the greek CPC scene was at best computers. I remember that CPC sceners went all kiddy and teasing each other at the time (well mostly people like Catloc, JFMC and Sotsoft were teased). At least that's what I remember from the stories I was reading in greek CPC diskmags of the time. Ok, maybe that was just fun, sceners were small and clueless, and I am not here to put any blame (I don't think blame should be put in general anyways). I just wanted to mention what I was seeing on Catloc that period and what he didn't received from the scene..



When I've learned about his death, I made a plan to make a CPC demo dedicated to him. It's practice on the scene sometimes. I wished to code it because of the familiarity I felt with his side of what he was seeking from the scene, with his mood swings, his absence from the scene at times, so much familiarity with my disappointments in the scene at that time, even though we were still different in several aspects. Above is a small part of what I never managed to finish (It was going to be called "A late goodbye" and that's because it was already a delayed project, already 4 years have passed since the time so I am not sure it would make a sense to release this today).

I didn't even learned exactly the causes of his death. It wasn't a suicide. It was something more sad. What I learned is that he died in the psychiatric hospital but I don't know under what cause. And maybe I won't like to find out and just leave it rest.



And yet, during the days I was planning to write this, I've learned about the unfortunate death of another scener. This time he was someone from Germany I met one or two times in a demoparty and communicated through email once. It was Crest, famous for his organizing of demoshows in demoparties and his website with articles about the scene. He was one of the most humble and honest people I have ever met. While I never knew him really, I feel some sympathy about him. He has committed suicide by jumping from a bridge crossing Rhine. You can read some of his thoughts here (written 6 years ago).



RIP.

Friday, August 17, 2007

Da Fakk!!!

Now this is the greatest BBS thread ever produced by Pouet!

Garfield meets the scene.

Some of my favorites!















Oh, look! They made one about me there too :)
I wonder which old text of mine did the maker dig out where I was talking about Castanenda. Never remember to have written much about him somewhere on Pouet or in a blog. Crazy!

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Demoscene Rants

If there is a good way I can change the contents/feeling of this blog is by writting more rants about demoscene, coding or other things that I like in daily life. No, I am not trying to change the mood here under the urgency to avoid my sorrow articles. I really (still) am in a great mood these days for writting such stuff instead of analyzing my other matters. Maybe there is one day (and very soon) I will fell into the same sorrowful condition again and then you may notice more deep articles than fun stuff.

Though in general I thought it would be a nice idea to write some more of the easier articles (also it's easier for me to write these kind of articles in sorter time and express myself shortly) in the near future.

In fact, at random times thoughts pop out but those thoughts are now something like rants about my favorite demos and things I find interesting about the demoscene. And in several times I said "Wow! It would be nice to write these thoughts/rants of mine as an article in my blog!" (In fact, some of this could be better suited for a diskmag article maybe).

And so I will start this one in hope that I write more of these kind of articles in the future. Today's reason for ranting was Andromeda.



I know Andromeda from the Amiga and still I don't know them really well because I have primarily watched their Nexus 7 demo (Also youtube link) on the A1200 but hardly remember their earlier A500 demos. Maybe I should run WinUAE and refresh my memory on the Amiga scene history a bit. Sorry, no real hardware here yet :)

And yet they come back in the PC scene with Noumenon. Funny enough for me, I see all their releases at Pouet and press the release date button to sort them by year, to only discover that Nexus 7 was their previous release and only release in 1994. Wow! That's 13 years ago!!! It's funny how time goes on and then you realize how many years have past since your early days in the scene. But that's another matter for another article.

So, then what we have here? A rare demo that was far more pleasing than most other PC demos and only achieving this by it's simplicity and cleanness. What do I mean with that? I'll try to make myself clear.



One trend I hated back in the scene after it moved into the 3d accelerated world was the ammount of demos utilising as much as possible the vast fillrate power of the 3d hardware. There was a time that demos were all about several layers of translucent graphics, numerous random polygons somewhere in the corner, a mess of everything where there wasn't a single highlight effect/screen that will stay in your mind for a long, just massive filters randomly thrown onto your screen.

Another cliche is about design and design means whatever someone can make out. And there are rules, unwritten rules. If you can't understand design or have a completely different or twisted taste on demo design (can't see which of the two describes myself more :) then it either gets annoying reading people's comment about how the colors suck or there is no inconsistency or how they find the music too cheesy, or you just decide to follow your roots without caring (After all there is always an audience who likes your own crappy demo styles, even if it's just coder's style without design at all or some pure noise demo nobody can understand).

But let's come back to the filters thing. I think that maybe because too few things on the screen is considered to be an empty (undesigned) screen and many people try to avoid what is not considered a good design by today's trends in the demoscene, they follow the common solution of just packing up as much stuff as they can, add their filters (random objects, blending, feedback/radial blur, noise, glow, focal blur, oh also those lovely but too common anymore grown vine effects, notice how each year shows off a nice new trend that becomes a new cliche in later demos) to fill up the screen so that everyone is pleased. And then you won't have anyone saying that the screens are empty or it's an effect after effect demo. But look at a screenshot of a part I quite like from Noumenon!



A black background! A FUCKIN BLACK BACKGROUND!!!

But it's still so loveable in my eyes! Those radial rays that are nothing like the regular pseudo-radial effect on 3d cards, don't know how they make them look so good (also in other parts in the demo). The greatly animated morphing object that has such a clean shading I had ages to see on a demo since the late DOS days (Also see this. Arrrr,. I am gonna fire DosBox now!!! =). I am wondering why don't they do clean screens with pure shiny objects these days. Maybe it's another cliche that this is like 1996? And the flare! YES THE FLARE!!! I don't know what's so bad about it when people rant there in Pouet. Is it because it's considered an 1998 demo element? It's a fucking simple in the eyes of some screen, yet because the show in the foreground is so good looking, you don't care about filling the whole screens with gazillions of filters and transparencies to make it look professional or hide something that alone doesn't look that much good. And that was the point here in the demo!!! Their simple screens look really nifty alone, so there was no need to put additional stuff in it. The main effects were the highlight alone! Even a simple morphing shiny object with few rays that look spectacularly good alone!!!

Also the demo has an oldschool feeling of that era because of it's empty screens with effects and simplicity cramped into the modern hardware with much better visuals and some new effects. And still there is a great music that reminds me of Nexus 7 and some great graphics from Archmage even combined cleverly witht he effects and sync to the show that it was really a pleasant presentation for me. Who says there is no direction here at all? Some comments puzzle me. Also, be sure this is no praise because of the name Andromeda in it, it was really a clean demo with pure simplicity yet great effects in your face without too much overcramped screens, it was a demo I still remember for it's single screens, for it's classic demo sound, for how some graphic images are combined with effects, it's really like 1998 is back but done so much pretty well in modern PCs. I purely enjoyed it!

What's so bad to copy stuff from the past anyways? Why do people care if it's 1998 in some terms when it's so greatly done and is simple fun to watch? As if most of the other demos don't copy the trends that were first invented in the best demos every year? Nah,. I wish more demos of this kind were produced.



Andromeda lives and teaches me simplicity yet awesomeness! :)

p.s. I would also like to mention Archmage's graphics on the C64. Maybe I was a bit exaggerating to give votes of ten in each of his new graphics in cSDB. And not even commenting. Though this is what I specifically felt that day: It wasn't just about excellence here but also originality or doing it your way and not following the trends. I mean,. for some reasons I am bored of most C64 graphics out there showing realistic looking images with people faces that also use a variety/combination of colors that are so common anymore here. The first thing that touched me here was the color combinations that was quite different than the cliche on the C64, that red/orange/blueish combination I rarely remember to have seen in C64 pictures. And then of course the unique pixeling style too. I just felt like I was seeing something different and new on the C64! Maybe not as professional as your typical FLI interlace realistic faces picture, but diferrent. I really like what Archmage does on the C64 now!

p.s. Other demos I can currently remember that doesn't go the fill stuff and use tons of filters on the screen but rather choose the simplistic yet awesome looking way, are the invitations of Keops (1, 2, 3 and also 4) or the evoid droid demo at ASM07 (pure effect screens, with some amazing liquid and clear water scenes!!! Funny enough, this demo looked so good on the video streamer of ASM-TV specifically because most of it's scenes are clear and not filled with too much random fuzz ;)

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Doh!



Also, Crazy Space applet version is out!!! (I participated in that by coding the special demo effects :)

I also had special mood yesterday for coding and continued rewritting my ZeEngine for the GP2X. The PC project where I test and debug things before porting the changes to the GP2X code, now runs at least twice fast than the older version and that's because I have totally rewritten the triangle setup and rasterizer code with a more elegant solution after a suggestion from Nuclear/Mindlapse. Wow!

Now I just have to rewrite the remaining code, create some new structs and organize things here and there and maybe make an easy to use API for all these coders in the GP2X community. At first I plan to fix and optimize as many stuff as I can and even add several new features too, then to release it with an easy to use API in hope it's used by other people. The thought of trying to use the second CPU of the GP2X to improve performance even more is left for far later. I plan a release inside October.

Friday, August 10, 2007

Cats

Today I have decided to change the mood here. And my mood a bit. I won't analyze anything, I will just feel happy so that I forget a sorrow that could be just the imaginary I am unconsciously into. Oops, I just tried to analyze. No shit sherlock, you can't just not analyze but I will not analyze this more nor care since it's just what it is and I'll just post pictures of cats!

I like cats! They are so beatiful. They are one of the few animals they can really make me smile, so cute, so beatiful, so funny, so playful. CATS!!! All your base are belong to us!



Even the stressed cats are so sweet and funny =)

I was in a friend's home and we drank some alcohol and had fun and talked about various things. Though it wasn't the alcohol the reason for this post. I just felt like I will post cats. Maybe I want for the few rare times to escape from sorrow and stop thinking it or taking it seriously because at the end what I think is just imaginary ideas based on an imaginary world. Maybe it's just that there are some "serious" people in my close environment (family) that have a very serious/strict aura when discussing about things and it affects me. But I just started analyzing things that might make me sad while I just have to stop doing this for oneday and just post cats!



In the post that tricks me to go grab a great Falcon emulator I get instead in a funny oneliner where I also read this by the great L.C.F. dude:

I think. We should not think to eat cats, neither fishes...Cats are the real friends of intelligence and fishes are something that can be eaten only when you create one specie. Go try to explain this to the world.
Pigs are the poison created for your crime, exactly. It's something like, injuring me.


I just felt like writting it. Maybe there is also a piece of sorrow here but I would start analyzing it now so just forget it for today and think catz!



I also have a picture of cat in my desktop with a cat with different colored eyes (one yellow and one blue). I am not in the main computer right now so I can't find it right now on the net but I'll upload it later somewhere in this blog.



Ahh,. cats! I can't get enough of them. They look even more cute than girls ;)

p.s. I decided to change the mood in this blog a bit. Not I will not write some analysis on other subjects still interesting to me, though I will avoid being so sorrowful. It's not that I am not in a sad condition these days. It's just that sometimes I overdramatize things. I don't want anyone to think I am just cheating all of you and I have nothing. There is something but under a different view it could become less serious in my mind. I still feel something sad inside me trying to get out while I post cats. I just won't to post something different and definitelly writting this post with images and stuff of things I like is easier that making thorough analysis. Even though I will return to that too but trying to not get the sorrow but just writting my worrying thoughts without much exagerrations.

Monday, August 06, 2007

Fed Up!

What's the meaning of writting this?
For whom am I writting it?
Do I think I am some kind of a special dude that everyone has to read about his life?
Doesn't reality tells me that I am just one in a bunch of billions? And this one only in this planet..
Why do we talk about lifes?
Isn't life just an idea? Life as in "having a life", "get a life", etc.
What do I seek? What do we seek? Why people don't like what do I seek? Do I know actually what I seek?
Should there be a purpose?
Why am I said with having a purpose that I can't comply with at the end?
Why am I stuck here?
Isn't purpose just another illusion?
Does the universe has a purpose for us? Nope. It's us who expect things from ourselves!
Why do I take things so seriously?
Why all these questions? And even if they were answered, did they really help me to feel better at this moment? Or change my life for the better?

Hell, why do I talk about life? Why do we use the word "life" in a sense of social success? Why do we find such importance here? In a delusion we have build full of expectations? And if I don't ask for a purpose then how can I live without a purpose?

Ain't I the same stuck and confused then?

Actually I had another question for myself as a challenge. Or it was just an angry statement. All those many years I was living into my fixations. I was indiferrent about real life (real life? Just another imaginary word. So, there is an unreal life too?) but had rather my own life with it's expectations inside the demoscene community and maybe few other personal things too. My fixation was at first, that since I was unsuccesful in so called real life, I would at least become a great programmer or something. I would be the geek who would be neat in a world other than the real world! I had this dream even years before meeting the demoscene, which was just my area of activity for my early expectation from myself. So, instead of trying to be succesful in real life (for which for some reasons I didn't cared much) I would at least be in the demoscene. But I am just the pathetic dude in both and even the mockery (which is another mystery to me since they say I am just an attention-whore and it sometimes seems like this).

My other fixation was talking too much to myself, analyzing everything like hell and seeking for some kind of thing called truth. I could already see that this is vain even though I had no other reason in life than seek. Sometimes I even thought I would become some great special person, that I could dive deeper into facts and find what people can't see (because it felt to me that I really had that ability, especially when noticing that most people respond with predictable quotes/ideas that are just popular memes). So I thought I could give answers to our great questions and solve our problems (Even before solving my own problems? Duh!). How vain I was?

Why me? Is this a reason why half of the people at Pouet hate me? And the rest of the half love me because I am just too pathetic or remind a part of themselves? Did I gave them the idea that I am just someone who's so boastful and everyone needs to listen to my ideas? Why me? Why MY ideas? What's so special in ME that is more special than every other blog-whore in the world? How could I be so stupid?

Hell,. I am even discussing about people who hate me or love me at Pouet! I am obsessed with that..



Sometimes I felt like my deep analysis in several matters could eventually reveal interesting knowledge to me that are not just there to compensate for my vanity, rather than actually helping me understand what's going on with me really. Maybe also giving me some actual knowledge that can be used for the betterment of my life or emotional state, or give me the proper dedication to move on with things, giving me a good reason to get rid of some of my obsession or old bad habits. Anything that would show to have an actual possitive effect (and not something like a placebo effect based on an imaginary idea) on anything in my life, rather than just theories that seem to make a sense or being usable but never actually getting there.

Oh yes, I forgot where I started from. The challenging question! The angry statement!!!

That I was fed up.

Fed up of all these years seeking that something I never found, taking things seriously, being obsessed about either being active on something creative as the demoscene or finding the truth. Especially the later led me into endeless brainwork but even after so many years my life seems to be the same. There are parts I haven't helped myself because I haven't answered, but even to those I have given answers there seems to be no progress. Of course I have a better understanding of things, I have finally some facts(truths?) that finally feel like strict ground to base upon. And I was very happy about that! But now? It's always the same here, my same old habbits that I can never seem to fight, the same attitude, same expectations, my illusions I can't get rid of, but it's not that I think it's wrong to live under a purpose (especially that is too unrealistic for myself), I just don't know what's right and what's wrong anymore and if anything has a meaning. Whether I need to find any truth, to analyze how to move or just move? Do you understanding?

But just doing things doesn't work to. Because I am too tired after all these years and very unmotivated, almost lost any reason to do some things I loved to to do. Did I?



So, what we have here is two life obsessions that nobody will disagree with. To become a great programmer and a great thinker. I had expectations. Too vain..

..and I will start hating anyone who says that my problem is that I should get a life and that finding a girlfriend will solve everything. I just hate it!

People are telling me that life is so simple and I just make it too confusing. I hate this too! Because you were never inside my mind to understand how is the view from up here..

Real life and a girlfriend are just expectations too, even though the second one would be something entirely new for me and might drive me into new sensations that will divert my focus from the "problems" I am currently talking about. The problems that are just a delusion in a sense. Bring me a new delusion to stay away from the old ones!

It's funny however how much people dislike acts of vain glory. And how everything revolve mostly around "real" life. They don't like the image of a person who had an idea about himself, as if that idea was harmful about them. Even if he is just another one just like them who once had a greater plan in his life. It's funny how people instantly reject the idea of that vain man while I don't see what's so harmful about himself. He might only be harmful towards himself because of his unrealistic expectations. But people react as they are afraid of something..



I know that I will wake up tomorrow and lead the same life. Not that all of my obsessions are fully negative, I'd like to keep the good stuff from them, but it seems like my emotional habbits will kick in yet another day. Maybe it's just a bad day where it seems like the rest, maybe it's my wrong estimation that nothing goes on, maybe progress is there but it's slow and slowly slowly I will manage to change something. To want results now is another wrong expectation. For a while it's nice to clean up some things about myself,.. to myself :P

Somehow even this mixed up with my current feelings, being something wonderful that I could never expect to watch in my life, like a demo someone imagines for hours during his daydreaming but never manage to actually make. Yet reminding me of me daydreaming of great things that I never manage to finish because I am just a lazy bum with other issues to fix :P

Maybe I am just jealous that someone else had this kind of success that I could never reach, and that someone being the one with the act of annoying mockery of what is my life and what kind of a joke I am in the demoscene? How wouldn't the success of someone else that I also seek live me mixed feelings? Why do I feel like am in a long lost battle? Why am I so stupid?!

Everything is inside my head. I am angry because things didn't turned up. I am angry because of expectations. I am angry with myself who thinks I am something special that deserve to get all these. And I wonder how other people manage. Am I just too lazy? Nope, this answer seems like injustice to me. It can't be! I would never anyways now how much easier or not is for people to get what I didn't. I will never know how easier or not it is for them..



It's sad but sometimes I really need to say that to myself! I only hate when other people are telling me the same shit because they never know how difficult it is for me.

But do I know? Have I ever dived into the minds of other people that are not as unsuccesful as me, to see if they also have gone through the same oppresion, if it was the same hard psychologicaly for them and they tried more than me?
Have I prooven that it is indeed harder for me?
But how people manage doing all these stuff?
And if I don't know, how come can they claim they know and criticise me so easilly?
Success? A delusion.
Vanity. Even "real" life success is vain.
Society is vain in that aspect. If I didn't had my own fixations, I would be seeking with despair to be succesful inside society. Wouldn't that be vain too?
Does it have to be something that most people don't like to be vain?

All of us are having expectation and seek for something in life. Everything is just a delusion of what we think of. We build up the expectations. Then why do I struggle either with a purpose or no purpose at all?

Just questions..

..and it never ends

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Free creativity.

Something I look forward too.

Finally, I got rid of another demoscene project that I started planning for it more than a month ago but ended up in a burden. And after so much time of being anxious and unmotivated to work with it and simply wasting my time thinking but not doing, it ended up into something I am not proud of, also not worth the struggle. Whatever it is, I can remember murphy's saying that projects take up twice the ammount of time and half of the originally planned produced, as my usual expectition on every programming project I work into. So that's almost ok (Well, it's worse than ok in this case but wtf)

Nevertheless it was nice remembering how to code the good old C64 after a year of inactivity (Well, my previous release on the C64 was 3 years from now as I surprisingly discover, but I must have tried to finish some code the previous summer just before going to the friggin army). I had to open the docs to remember once again where the screen or color ram address is and how can I change the modes, actually everything. Still, it's more familiar to me to code on the CPC after a long time of absence (where you just have to remember &C000 and maybe few CRTC registers if you are more into hardware tricks).

So, the release was a Invitation for the Primary Star 2007 demoparty but there is nothing to see there just a text fader (You'll need a real C64 or emulator) and since it was an invitation I had to finish it in time before the date of the event. If that was a planned demo for the competitions of PS2007 I would skip the deadline but now it had to be done. And it pains having to release such a simple thing while I was originally planning to show to the C64 scene that I have evolved since my first.

But then I tried to compensate myself saying that it's an invitation and the main reason of it is to display text that invites you to a demoparty. I also tried to compensate with it by thinking of other mediocre stuff even the leet coders released from time to time.

Most of all I tried to remember why I didn't have motivation for this one. The original motivation is maybe to combine the writer with a nice idea (My idea was a plasma twisterbar that I had since long in my mind to code but this time revealing the text of the next page as it moved over it. Some unrolled code upon hardware sprites over the char screen of text, moving in a sine matter, I had it in mind, I wrote some compiler code but it remained there :P). But this was the one motivation and the other thing saying to me "I must hurry with the invitation" that is incompatible with this. If I wanted to code an effect I wouldn't have hurried that piece of code for the invitation.

After this I start making thoughts about how things will go with my scene activity from now on. Well, I always have said that and everytime I came back whinning why after so struggle in a demo production it didn't end up as I'd like and I even felt oppressed by my wish to release a demo.

I had two projects to finish this period. First just going on with coding for my job on the second game of our great casual games company (Oh I know, all that shameless promotion and stuff! :) and second to finish the requested invitation. It's hard to see the motivation kicking here because I've found out that when there is a MUST then I get anxious over it and that anxiety acts against me, reducing my mood to actually work and finish these projects.

In fact, I just did an experiment during those days of inactivity. Ignoring those two projects I was forced to work with and chosing to enjoy creativity in another programming project that I do not ask from myself to finish in time but rather get exited working on some idea or project I wished since a long time. I simply was inspired to rewrite from scratch parts of my 3d engine for the GP2X handheld, improve things here and there and optimize stuff, something I wanted since a long to day but the priority project that HAD to be done didn't allow me. So for 3 days I started working on this and generally I have noticed I was more motivated with it and more sattisfied and enjoyed by the not forced creativity here. I even left the project at some early stage to get back to priority work without caring about finishing it soon because simply there was no deadline. Something similar happened when I opened my old 386 and tried optimizing some bits of my fire effect routine I mentioned in an older blog post or experimenting with other things on compilers and assemblers in my 486.


When it's experimentation, natural motivation, not a reason of releasing something to the scene, then it's more closer to free creativity

When it's all about deadlines, finishing something in time or generally putting too much value into something and forgetting the fun, then it's forced creativity

Motivation can be something like:

  • 1) "Hey! I'd like to try coding that and see what happens!!!"

  • 2) "I am dreaming of coding this, I can't wait the time to start!"

  • 3) "Damn! The deadline of the demo competition is near and I have to finish a demo for it."

  • 4) "I must code something good, I don't want to show to the scene that I am a lame coder."

  • 5) "If something bothers you, just finish with it instantly instead of whinning for a month or so. That would be a motivation, wouldn't it?"



Several people are telling me the 5th. When my creativity is blocked and while I really wish to be productive my psychology doesn't let me (or something that I got totally wrong here), they tell me "Just do it! If you didn't whine all the time about not being motivated to work you would have probably already get rid of it and stop worrying.". It isn't easy. Also, some people are telling this to me concerning my studies in the past. When I was worrying that I am bored to study but the only way to get rid of my boring studies was to study so that I get my diploma and finish with all the fuzz. So they told me to invent an imaginary (for me) motive that says if you finish your studies sooner you won't have to worry about them. But there are no real motives for me in studying than getting good notes and passing exams (which are no motives for me). And inventing an imaginary motive of just finishing the shit you don't like doesn't work on me.

As we go up from 4th to 1st, we reach more what I call "free creativity". Still though, even the 2nd choice while innocent and seeming pure, can lead eventually to expectations.

For example, I have been doing a 3d engine for fun. Later I thought that "Hey! It's quite good and much better in some aspects than some other engines there in the community that are advertising themselves so hard. So, maybe I could catch up and release a new better version of my engine soon". That's what I plan actually, to release a good version of the GP2X engine before late October. And then what was once upon pure fun of creativity or experimentation, takes a form as something with a strong casue, a solid good programming project I shouldn't be late with it because it's a pitty such a cool piece of software to not be released. And so I invent an imaginary deadline and expect from myself to have grown my little fun project into something big! Which is too big for me or the motivation is lost because now I am focused into the release/success of the software rather the fun I have coding it.

Now I am looking at it, it seems that the order from 1 to 4 and maybe 5 too is a physical process from something pure to something with expectations. And the way a programming project starts and ends sometimes. At first we get motivated by some experimentation in coding (I'd like to try this and see what effect it has on the screen). Then we see that there is something cool here actually and start dreaming of a bigger project based on this algorithm that works. Actually we dream of a cause for our work. The 1st is like playing with lego's, the 2nd is like thinking of stop playing and do something bigger that is supposed to have purpose. The 3rd is trying to present that thing somewhere where other software compete or are presented. And having expectations. The 4th is connecting your personality with a status of how good your work is and what people expect from you. The 5th is getting rid of it that causes so much fuzz and anxiety in your head.

And after the 5th you reevaluate your success/failure, what to do next, if you want to oppress yourself or relax or choose a different direction like not caring about your image in the scene and just releasing any crap you feel like.

So, I have decided to reevaluate (well I have done this a lot of times before without success but this time I know more and I will be more precautious) and maybe only (or mainly) work on programming or other projects that bear the 1st and maybe 2nd point. Also, maybe something else like updating my old website or pixeling/tracking in the scene. Now that would be!

And I have other thoughts of free creativity which will be like writting with a pencil randomly without caring at all, letting it flow. It might work in pixeling, tracking and maybe coding too. But the problem is the expectations, not the art or the scene. Time will tell..
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