As I have written twice here in the past, a primary habit of me is to have these long walks/talks trying to analyze everything that matters me or not. Lonely walks in the city, talking with myself (A man in the dark speaking and waving hands in a serious extatic sense, oh just imagine the scenery) or doing the same in my room while spinning around in cycles (like in the cartoons! ;P). A lot of energy seems to be wasted during this practice but it seems like I am still having enough. It's a habit that totally intrigues me and the most important of this is finding the "truth". If there is such a thing. I am actually trying to reorganize my thoughts and I am preety strict on what can be actually considered as true. Everything is subjective. Every individual carries his own "truth".
In the past, feeling like reaching nothing else than this subjectivity after hours of endless discussions, resulted in total frustration. Well, actually most of my questions about this world revolved around myself and my own issues. In fact, what I was seeking for was a deeper knowledge concerning my nature and my place in this world. It's just that several little aspects that I tend to overanalyze, while they don't seem to have much of a connection with my own problem, shared a piece of the truth too or some common characteristics that show off the nature of my connection with the world. I could see patterns..
..but still something was missing. Some recent discoveries I have already mentioned here, already gave me that ground to stand. This article btw is not about something I discovered today. It's about those things that helped me recently reorganize my thoughts and I just had more of these today and decided I was in a great mood to share more. This is just the day to write some more points in a hopefully more organized form than random thoughts.
In fact, today I reconsidered the matter and know (hapilly) now that this time I am still into that furiously analyzing thing but for the first time, I know what I am fighting for. I know what I am doing and what I am seeking. It's a great feeling!
So,. was OCD an answer?
It was just the beginning. Later, I was really into reading as much as I can about autism, Asperger's or anything else inside the autistic spectrum anyways (Still confused about the vast ammount of definitions and what everyone means when using them. Autistic spectrum is all in one and does well with it's name :P). It wasn't as obvious as OCD because the first one was some really wicked teaser I had to bare since my youth while the other one was my own true self. I didn't even thought some of my traits are actually a problem. I just thought I was weird and geeky and that's kinda cool :)
But being focused and interested in things most people won't understand or care about were not the real buggers. Among with a geeky self there came the things usually associated with that which can really harm your social life. At first I thought that my social anxiety was a result of my OCD. Could be..
..but there was something else. In the past, I thought that being a geek, a weirdo, an introverted asocial ugly being is somehow my mistake, a cultular choice, the "wrong" way to go, maybe the way my parents raised me or maybe I just needed to see a psychologist about that. But no! There is something that nobody wanted to tell me as it seems. Something they were hidding from me. Instead they forced me to believe that this is my choice, my attitude in life, my big bad mistake! And I was constantly trying to fight against this thought popping up in my head, forming one part of my endless monologues with half answers that never seemed to satisfy me.
After further investigation into autistic spectrum disorders, reading personal stories and thoughts, visiting websites bearing their own philosophy on the subject and thinking back in my life I somehow got furious and thought I'd have to just start believing in something that seems to be close to my own version of the "truth" and stop doubting about myself.
That this "cultural choice/mistake/attitude/bad upbringing" is actually my nature. And that it's not a trait. In my opinion, it doesn't even need a "cure". Just a change in attitude, actually the way I am thinking it. There was actually never a problem with myself! That's what I mean with "change" ;)
Of course, someone will argue that because my geeky and asocial self matches the image of the average asperger/autistic person, I shouldn't hurry to assume that I also belong in the spectrum. Of course. I was patient and doubtfull about it as I am always when seeking for answers and didn't wanted to blindly believe to an unsure assumption. But something inside me told me that thinking it twice was enough for all those years of sorrow, that I should finally learn and accept what I am without a second doubt and that this answer was finally fitting my beliefs and the way of seeing things. And if this still seems like a belief without the facts, remembering some common traits I never associated with this before, especially my struggle with face recognition or eye contact that was always a major problem of me and got me anxious over social situations, are in fact common traits found on people in the autistic spectrum. Among with other weird things I remember from my past and now I can finally understand by associating it with the facts and stories I read on the net about the matter.
Nevertheless, I decided that it doesn't matter anymore whether I permit myself to call me autistic, aspie or not. What is important here is that the inside look into how several persons of the autistic spectrum look upon their lifes, how do they deal with it and the whole misconception behind it, bare great similarities to the primary issues that occupied my mind during these lonely walks.
What I kept analyzing when talking to myself while struggling to find the truth was all about neurodiversity, theory of mind and other minds, neurotypical world, feeling like an alien, seeing things in a different way, not being understood or being able to understand NTs, misconceptions, lies.
Hell,. I was always there! I just didn't know. And I had to find alone..
I was so glad to find sites and opinions stating the other side of the "truth", that autism/asperger's is actually not a "disorder" but that's one way to see it as it interferes badly with someone's social life. And that's because some people who we call neurotypicals instantly define what is to be a "normal" communication and what does not compute! And they expect you to behave and understand social cues the same way as most because you look similar to them. Even humorous sites point that we can reverse the effect and think that neurotypicals are affected by some kind of disorder with assumed "traits" that are common characteristics found in most of the population. In a world full of autistics, NTs would be considered as the disordered people with the weird reactions and social inability. And what is that thing called "Theory of Mind"? What about theory of other minds? Is there one way of communicating, one way of viewing the world, one way of living?
You know now why I am so happy! Whether I am into the spectrum or not, it's not important, rather than the fact that several of the autistic/asperger people have pointed it out well. They have already started their fight towards the beliefs that bugged me in their websites or the real world. Someone worked for my sake before I ever knew that I was betrayed. I don't feel alone anymore in my fight. I know somebody is listening or maybe it's me who am listening now to these people and can support what they try to say. I never felt so great, from sites I even went to other more interesting ones that don't have directly much to do with autism but present deeply philosophical ideas about the world, ideas that somehow seem to come out of these individual minds and really much my interests too. I have few of these sites in the right bar for a long..
Finally, there is ground to were I can stand! All of my life, my thoughts, my beliefs, my feelings, my worries make sense now. And they are connected with the philosophy of several of these individuals in the autistic spectrm disorder, especially those who don't need a "cure". I am not alone! Someone had been listening before I ever knew that. I am listening..
It became such big that I have to stop it. And that's only half of what I'd like to write. I guess I'll go for a second part in the near future, speaking of my thoughts on OCD and the rest of autistic spectrum plus my worries. Even more interesting stuff than this introduction. Geez, it reminds me my "beliefs that bothers me" series and that feels great! :)
p.s. Walking in the city, tracking my way back home, I kept analyzing (but with the ground now, unlike the past :), and suddenly spoke: "I have one life!". This is actually a phrase they usually tell me because they think that I am a geek who is not living his life. Assuming that I have one life I should live by doing as much in the field of what most people like to do, going out, enjoying life, making a family, etc. Heh! It doesn't ring a bell to me. It only rang when I thought back on my furious plan to find the truth now that I know the ground. I have only one life for this rare opportunity that's worth it but several for doing what everyone does in their lifes which is common and boring. And now I know what I have to fight for too!