Thursday, May 24, 2007


It was always one of my primary issues. Though I never seemed to make a progress in the understanding and especially practice of it. I am still the lazy one, wishing to be like the restless people who produce loads of shit and never get a sleep for a while. But I am just a dreamer.

I have been reading the biography of Nicola Tesla. It features a lot of his personal stories (among with several very weird things, like his glowing visions he couldn't explain) where he recalls how he was driven by his passions but suddenly he decided to get rid of them. After that moment he could control himself and become totally concentrated on his inventions. Things like being focused all day and sleeping for only 3 hours. He even got rid of any involvement with alcohol, coffee, tea and other drinks that he thought could harm his health. His weight remained the same for 35 years. (Maybe these last two not having to do with dedication, but I will explain later why I am writting all these)

That's wicked.

Tesla is too much for me. Maybe my computer graphics hero, John Carmack? The magic word is "focus". To reach what he has achieved, someone has to be focused on his work. And just do the right thing. And not be distracted. And that for several years. Oh, and starting in his fifteen too maybe. I was having the dream of focus since my eighteen. And the occasions weren't good enough then. Or was I not focused enough?

Maybe something that is twelve times less than these examples? Something for me???

I wanted to be dedicated in a focus. I still am somehow. I am just not times as productive as I'd like to!

It was just a dream. I still like it. But I don't work much on it lately (or since some five years or so). I never did. Was it the fact that I had to fight with my parents about this focus? Who would accept to see me in front of a computer for twelve hours or so? I think that my hero's went through similar problems though. I just wasn't as strong enough. I wasn't focused. I didn't fought for it!

My emotions made me lazy. I couldn't stand it. I couldn't stand my anxiety to achieve that something. And the fact that I had to fight with my parents about it. It was all killing. And so I stopped to take it seriously. Now, when I tend to push myself more, a defense mechanism arises which tries to release me from that focus. I just quit. For the day being..

My passions made me lazy. I talked previously about Tesla and his restricted appetite. Since years I wanted to make a diet, a true one and never stop it. I had a lot of failed attempts where actually I wanted to quit and start eating food. I wanted a good image of my body, but my passion told me that I should eat because I like food. I drink alcohol. Hopefully I am not an alcoholic because I don't really like the taste of it (Though, just right now that I talked about it, I have a great mood for drinking a beer, heh ;). But I like the after effects =). Passions. It's easier to sit in your computer and surf in the net or play games than doing something more creative. That one is hard to get started with but once you do creativity flows in. If I can't control these basic things then how will I be able to make such miracles? I remember this especially when I see myself how absorbed he is on consuming food.

What is the thing that drives my passions and do I really want to be such a hard working robot like my fellow heros? At least I will always admire them.

Now I am thinking about it, if I didn't have that obsessive I could say dream during my eighteen (Suddenly the thought popped in my head, to start becoming a great programmer and show them all. Maybe my lost self-esteem?) that I still seem to want to follow but have set some kind of defense against it's pressure, I would just know nothing about programming except the things I have to learn in university, I wouldn't even start coding my first demo, I wouldn't have the interest to do something creative and all I'd been doing would be playing games, surfing the net, maybe writting this blog and then watching movies, going out with friends, searching for a girlfriend, finding a job, making a family and finally getting my retirement fee. Some of these things have been done in a lesser or almost not existing degree just because of my focus that neither worked as well (I guess, 90% of the time I was dreaming, screaming, being unmotivated and only for a few hours I'd do stuff). At least, just because of the obsession, I have been doing even the 5% of what I'd like. Without it, I wouldn't even be here..

I do like to be such a focused person. Still. Really! To hell with not having a life. I loose something and I gain something else.

My problem is how to control my passions and.. do the thing.

Sometimes, time is being spent on feeling bad, unmoody, or having to fight with some psychological things concerning the use of the computer and how my parents see things. Things that remained from the past. That's why I recently say that I.. just.. have.. to.. do.. things. To not be distracted by the rest of the world..

..or am I just too human? (Tesla looks like an alien in my eyes)

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