Thursday, April 05, 2007

Dilemma.

It seems that I had a reason to go on with this blog. This time, I got amok inside the army camp and starting breaking stuff and running away :P



There are some actions which seem quite appealing but some kind of fear keeps you away from realizing them. Is it the fear of making a new devastating choice? Bringing unpredictable implications in your life? Or is it actually the fear of loosing your already mediocre condition?

In a burst of amok I broke something and ran away shouting that "I did it!" and that "I am free!!!". It was a desperate action as something inside me tried to show up that I can't stand it anymore. Maybe I couldn't say it by words or I just wanted to find a pretense.

I discussed with the doctor and my commandant about taking a rest. I mean, a deferral (αναβολή). They seem to agree. No matter, it's my choice. But I was afraid of that choice. That's because of it's weight. It's not as simple as taking a leave (άδεια). For most people it implies that your life goes further away. Why not finishing the rest (4 months) and get rid of the whole of it? What they do say is one source of my fear even though I believe it's not mine but a social thing. It's like when people told me in the past that by delaying to take my university diploma time is moving on and so another possible job position is lost. Bullshit!

Similarly here. Though it seems that being oppressed in that position because I fear that they are right (What am I going to do when going back to my family? Struggling there for another six months?) is a stupid thing because what matters now is that I don't feel psychologically well inside the army and obsessive thoughts about doing something crazy arise from time to time. Well, that's a mechanism to make me burst out in order to ask for something I can't normally do. I needed a pretense and I found one. Even if in one or two weeks I abandon my idea of taking a deferral, it's planned that I visit the psychiatrist and talk about it. So, I won't forget it and I'll have all the time to think about it..

..but I am thinking it possitive this time. I should take the step that I always fear. I should finally free myself of what keeps me away from taking such important steps instead of leaving everything in a bitter luck. I should define whether I want it and for what reasons and go for it!

Hopefully, the timing for making this choice is suitable for this period as our first game in dotredgames is about to be finished and published and I was bitter I couldn't be at home, ready to work with my friend on the project and everything that comes along. Another reason for wishing to take a six month vacation, since I was missing creativity and the army even forced me to send my laptop back home by postal. Another thing that irritated me even though I haven't been able to work as long as I still had the laptop with me. If I don't get the referral because of getting crazy, I will ask it for professional reasons..

..and still I fear that tomorrow will be another day. I won't feel the same way (I already don't feel as much as this morning now) and I will regret my choice of getting amok in order to find the chance to ask for postponing my army service. But that's the point which keeps me in a mediocre state now. I'll have to forget about how I feel today or will feel tomorrow and insist on this choice. For once in my life. I don't care about delaying my life or something (which life?). I care about myself!

The only problem is that I will have to return back to the family. My parents will not agree with my choice and I'll have to first discuss it with them before leaving. And then, most possible other problems might arise at home because of my decision that I will have a hard time going through. But I know I should go on with this and face up the problem. Even if this means that this will hurt them. I am more determined to get through the whole emotional distraction this will cause me. Instead of letting the fear of hard feeling postpone every hard choice of me. Afteralls, I got amok (pretentious or not), so there was something wrong going on in here and what I get through is not healthy. Other might prefer to finish with their army duty no matter the hard pressure but I am not the same person as them..

..or will I postpone this hard choice?

Time will tell.
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