And then there was fury!
A puzzle is like a wicked set of pieces that are supposed to make a sense but they don't. And that's because you can't see the full image till you manage to complete it. Sometimes the wrong pieces might mistakenly match together and thus it still doesn't make a complete sense even if it seems as it does at specific points. And then you have to go back and start again from scratch! It only brightens up near the end when only few unsolved pieces remain. And suddenly the myths disappear. To find out that you have been betrayed!
That's how I felt for an instant yesterday! It was right at the peak where everything were revealed to me so swiftly like the pieces of puzzle that suddenly form a clear image in their true positions. Years have past and yet the same ideas were haunting my mind for a period that seems like forever. Now, every myth dissapeared and then there was happiness. And then sadness. And then anger..
During that special moment of glory, everything clears up and then you stay there wondering..
- Was it that simple?
- I always knew it!
- Maybe I was just suspecting it..
- ..but had a hard time beleiving it..
- ..and it was true! I was right!!!
- Why was I in doubt?
The happiness. The end.
The sadness. The years that past. Dwelling into senseless discussions, annoying analysis into real life matters, trying to excuse myself for the mistake I never was. Being bullied by unrespectful beings while listening to their preachings about a problem that was never there!
The irony. That they still won't listen and won't understand no matter if everything I ever need to know are revealed now to me and there is less and even less doubt as long as I remember instances of my past.
The fury. A blend of all these facts and their implications. In a nutshell, I had to learn the whole truth at the 27th year of my life. Because noone could/wanted to tell me the truth. And the real truth was still my big bad misunderstanding of the world and myself, in their opinion. And so they forced me to doubt about it. And I was always right about it but I was never strong enough to beleive it! They hide it from me. I hide it from me.
The hope. The fact that I can convince myself to finally listen and understand me. The dream that I can finally be released from the pain, the doubt, the blame.
I figured out that there are two primary kinds of struggle for deviants. The physical pain that may come out of their possible "disorder" and the social pain that they have to endure because of the constant criticism and unacceptance from society. And sometimes the second one is quite more painful for the individual..
And recently I've figured out that the second one is the only one at some cases.
For example, take in account the description of my pure-O OCD disorder I immensely write about. There is physical pain in that for sure. This is the ugly thoughts that you can't bare (or actually your avoidant behaviour towards them that enpowers them and morphs them into something even more annoying but that's another story). Everyone has them but few have to go through the extreme struggle of fighting with them as long as they fail to ignore or accept them. It's like a demon of the mind making you feel ugly about yourself. This is a kind of pain that targets your inner self and has nothing to do with the world around you. Sometimes the OCD might make you look like a weirdo though. And this can bring implications with your everyday and social life. The second kind of pain. To not be accepted for what you are, to not be understood, to suffer in silence, to hear the preaching of society that something is going wrong with you and this is not because of your OCD. To bare with the idea that your OCD is just an excuse for being lazy. And that's if you ever had the good luck to be diagnosed/informed about your OCD early in your life instead of hearing the same beliefs about real life again and again!
Consider Aspeger's Syndrome/autism for a moment. Being interested to learn more about that condition, I've found that autism is all about people who don't share a brain similar to that of neurotypical people (the "normal" ones). It's not easy to explain that, though it is supposed to mean that something in the biology of their brain makes it hard for them to grasp social skills as most other people do. That fact makes them differ from the rest and that shows in real life. In that aspect I don't think there is any physical pain here (even though I am not sure) but only the greatest struggle of all, the social pain! Autistics won't fit easilly and will have a hard time to understand and get involved into social situations. They are the first target for bullying because they are so weird and different. They will start wondering whether this is just their choice or themselves. But their "disorder" is their deviance from the rest. Will they ever know it or will they wonder whether there is something wrong going on with them?
They do know it. Those who were diagnosed and are aware of it and the fact that there was nothing wrong with them ever. They accept their brain deviance as a part of themselves. They call themselves Aspies.
I thought that the discovery about my OCD was the final piece in my puzzle. I suspected that maybe I was suffering from SAD (Social Anxiety Disorder) because of my OCD that brought me anxiety into social situations. But still, something was missing. I couldn't explain several quirks of me, social or behavioral. Something didn't make enough sense. That was the final big piece I was missing.
"well, us autistics don't naturally learn social skills. We might have to learn them manually and that is what defines us as autistic."
This definition caught my attention. Quite simple and effective. It later made me suspicious. I wished to get more into it. For some reasons it reminded me of something..
A long time I ago I wanted to find the opportunity to talk with an autistic person about my life and ask some questions. Nitro2k01 gave me the opportunity. I've later checked a website he gave me with various articles and stories from autistic people to find out several similarities. More than what we discussed.
I remember my past. My mother always blamed me for my social quirks. She told me I had to look people at their eyes but I couldn't. I had problems with eye contact. She told me I should talk to people, find something to say, fit there in but I couldn't fit. A very common problem of mine is to remember faces when I met people. Each day I think back in the past and find the same motive, that in some aspects it's maybe the fact that I can't grasp things of real and social life, I was even wondering why some people think the way they think and act the way they do and if it's me who is wrong? I remember the way I was defocused from my world around in school, how my classmates were bullying me because of some difference in myself I couldn't clearly be aware about then. The only thing I was aware is the idea that something was going "wrong" with me and it was only me to blame. But nothing was ever wrong with me. It was just me!
"In some ways, full-blown autism, where the sufferer inhabits his or her own world, would be preferable to Asperger's syndrome, where the sufferer is stuck between two worlds and is not entirely happy in either."
That totally blew my world. The second case is my struggle.
No reason to doubt anymore..
What I am going to hear after that is:
- Another excuse to be lazy.
- It's all in your mind!
- You don't have that, you are being manipulated.
- If you read about some disorders you might think you have that.
- The theory of Tabula Rasa and how my enviroment(parents, etc) made me antisocial.
- It's all because you are a computer addict (Duh ;P)
- Any other pop psychology shit and real life cliche :P
- Anything else I forgot..
I am going to hear these things 99% of the time as much as I was bothered with them in the past. Not even 1% of the time I'll encounter an alternative view about a possible biological reason of what I am. They don't like it because they've either learned and loved the Tabula Rasa theory or the biological explanation sounds too deterministic.
But not knowing what I really am made me even more sad. In my opinion, you are not affected by some kind of "Ok,. I have this, so I won't try harder in life" kind of fatalism if you find out and grasp that you have something deep in your brain that might have a biological aspect. In fact, you suddenly learn who you are and accept your quirks as a part of you instead of blaming yourself for them. And you gain a wider and more true view of yourself instead of always worrying because of the hidden truth that you don't know.
In my opinion, hiding the true biological facts from me because of most people common beliefs was the greatest mistake that was ever made, the fact that kept me away from knowing myself and made me more sad than ever!
To say it in another way, who cares really whether it's named "OCD", "autism", "laziness" or "zeldaphobic syndrome"? "The problem" was always myself and there was never something wrong about that. Society sees it as wrong. I just insist on the biological explanation maybe because when the psychological is mentioned, it implies that "my problem" is something plastic and so I have the duty to change/wipe it. But that duty becomes an offence sometimes, it's rendered into an insult like "You are lazy and never tried in life. Shame on you!". And maybe the "antisocial" problem doesn't really exist if there is no physical pain concerning loneliness. And there isn't on me. My worries were about how asocial I am and how ugly I feel about that in front of society. But I never worried about being asocial alone.
No matter what, it's time to select instead of doubting. It's time to deny giving any excuse to "normal" people about how asocial or weird I am. It's time to stop living between two worlds and accept what I am. "OCD" and "autism" where two interesting trips and gave me really insight of what I am and why did I struggled in both my private and social life, these two together can finally explain most if not any of my quirks and makes me aware that the only thing remains is to truly accept myself and stop being bothered with common social beliefs anymore..
..maybe I'll keep analyzing these things only for personal fun, not in the same ugly way as in the past. Nothing is lost. I will continue writting..
..maybe in another media. Somehow I've decided to stop posting in this blog with this final article. It's the point in my life where everything I ever knew about my life and myself has changed in a sense that I will truly beleive what I wrote here and I will never doubt about these parts again.
Blogging was an adventure motivated by my wish to write some of my inner thoughts, because these stupid things bothered me, to find out about my OCD through some other random blogs discussing it, to let Nitro2k01 inform me, to hear the rest of the people. I started analyzing because of my inner "problems" (Which prooved to never ever exist and they were just the result of how society deceived me). I started writting blogs because I wanted to let my thoughts being heared. Since my youth I was making lonely walks and excessively analyzing, most of the times without reaching into anything else than mainly nihilism (that's because I missmatched the wrong puzzle pieces, e.g. trying to see the psychological aspect of it while ignoring the biological which I overly support now).
My whole trend of overanalyzing things and writting these big texts was because of that. And it has only now being totally solved. It's final!
So, allow me to stop writting in my blog(s) for some months or maybe change the media (A website?) and let this main article here.
..in order to express my fury about the lies that kept me away from the truth about myself this article will stay at face one for a long.
Allow me to express my fury..
Don't worry about this post and my decision to stop blogging for a while. And let me hope for the future. The true end of the first period of my life. The fight will go on though! The fight against the common beliefs, against the one and only side of view. All hail understanding, awarness, freedom and knowledge. To reach the truth and bring justice!