Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Five elements of me.

Rania made me do it ;)
No, no, I am just kidding. I really like that she did it =)

So, this is the pyramidoid game (No connection to that pyramidoid shit that if you don't oblige to, your soul will be taken and shit ;P) where you say 5 things about yourself and put the request on 5 other bloggers to make the same. So, you learn things that you didn't know about other people whose blogs you were reading since a long. I really enjoyed writting the things below.

  1. I can't remember anything about my personality before my 18. Maybe I didn't have one. Iirc I was too closed to myself, too afraid, too shy, not into any activity, neither into listening music (When they asked me what music I listen to, I hated that question!), going to cafeterias, cinemas as most people did nor into other things, even though I wanted to get into some of these things but a great force, some kind of a universal shame/anxiety about everything (My OCD explains it for me) kept me from actually being anything. And so only at 18 I've choosen to be a programmer in the demoscene and that defined me then. But my excessive passion and unrealistic dreams killed me and I was the mockery of the scene chasing female scene girls since a long. I have gone through a lot of dissapointments that would put someone into a killing shame. Maybe other things inside the family killed me and didn't let me take things easilly though..
  2. Demoscene was not my biggest focus. Whenever I could feel my struggle in every day life (even though I couldn't know it's roots then) I know that people can't understand me. And suddenly I made up the idea that knowledge would release me. The great idea that I should focus into searching deeper into the truth about my life, myself, my struggle, why people behave like this plus several other similar matters, was craved into my head. That was it! Today, what I call analyzing, philosophizing, meditating (even if these sound a bit dull the way I say them :P) is my central focus in life. More than computers :) And the use is to help people who cannot be understood, to show a different perception of the world problems to the people, to change the way people think and react. Knowledge for justice. I know, my ambition is quite unrealistic and someone would say "Who do you think you are? Nietzsche? Jesus? Duh!!! ;P" but it's just me. And I even had some passionate (and tiring) lonely walks talking about all these things for hours. Ouch! (But I know I have to go on with this and I won't hear any objection from anyone ;PPP)
  3. I need my solitude. I like to take lonely walks at night in the city. And when I do this, I keep talking to myself in various kinds of atmospheres, either dead walking and slow talking, mysterious, feelingful, dreaming, hoping or furious, cursing and fast walking. Too much passion and too much things to analyze to myself so that he finally doesn't doubt about them, too much energy spend but I don't regret the process of it. It's just me! Sometimes a little burst of shame goes through about why am I doing that, but in my reactive nature I wonder why shouldn't I. And I think my shame is just an idea inserted in my mind by society even though it still feels hard. Maybe I wouldn't like to see myself doing that, while outside of my body. I don't know if you can see me at nights. Sometimes I feel like a fool but that's just me..
  4. Yet again, I could write way more about my weird nature in here. It would take me 15 bulletins to talk about each issue separately. But I will do here shortly by telling you that I am simply weird and I struggled with the thought that I am not normal since ever. Only recently I started liking myself and even knowing the reasons behind what I am. One central explanation behind various traits of me is that I am actually suffering from the Pure-O form of OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder). I am strange in so many ways but now I can know the reasons behind this and actually learn to love myself :)
  5. I am 27 and still a virgin. This is the one fact I was quite doubtful about writting here. But I broke because I think it's nothing I should be ashamed for. This is the one I struggled more talking about and I hated the question whether I have a girlfriend. I didn't struggle much by the fact that I don't have a girlfriend but with the thought of what people might think. And I find quite ridiculous what people think about people like me. I am here to fight the stereotypes behind this subject. And maybe find my soulmate too oneday.
Point zero (additional): I really like MILFs and lesbians/bisexuals. These girls are really making me horny. Haha!

So, here it goes over and the advent of beer makes me write about things I know I won't be ashamed of even if I was sober now. Oh, common! I really hate the things humans have put in my head. Shame is just a joke. The idea that I am just revolting by opening out things that aren't so important to be ashamed for if you think about it, gives me a nice reactivity add bonus that makes me horny too and so this is the way I'll finish with this and thing I'll be more free for I have been released more of me here. I like that blogs and internet makes it possible and so I will pass the ball to those special individuals:

George the lonely game developer

Oh, and you five don't be demotivated by my excessive disclosures, you don't need to write so deep personal things but anything you wish. Just look at other examples where things like food preferences, inside hobbies, strange habbits and funny occasions of the past are here. I just went too much through it, hehe ;) Of course you are free to write or not write, I just went through 5 people, for some of them I'd be really wondering to learn somethings about, some others are there to fill the gap so that I can post this. (It's not easy to find people for pyramidoid things)



Optimus said...

Maybe I went too far and this is more of a story than what I was asked for, though these are still 5 points that could be written more briefly like (to make it easier for you):

1. Before 18 I had no personality. I was a shy and too enclose to itself child. Later, I've found the demoscene and formed some sort of a first form of personality in it.
2. My main focus in life is not computers and demoscene really but seeking for deeper knowledge about myself and my problems and using what I learn for some epical thing called the world domination. Actually to change the way most people think today. I feel like a philosopher that has gone through a lot of struggle in life but I am happy to know it now. Ho!
3. I need to be lonely. People can't understand it. I don't like to stay with several people for a long. I take lonely walks while talking to myself. Solitude rulez!
4. The fact that I suffer from the Pure-O form of OCD (Obsessive compulsive disorder) is a very basic thing that defines who I am and explains everything I have written about myself in all other points here (except from the fact that I like MILFs and lesbs I guess ;))).
5. I am a virgin and too proud to finally have posted this fact here. As if I should be ashamed for that! Everyone at his/her time..

Pixie said...

This is the most daring post I have ever read!I hope that you become daring in your personal life too because there is nothing wrong with who you are.Everyone has strengths and weaknesses and this is what makes us even more beautiful otherwise it would be so boring.I am sure that you will find your soulmate but this time search in real life.I hope that all your dreams come true optimus.You deserve it.THANK YOU FOR SHARING!

nitro2k01 said...

There we go!
Thank you for making me dare do this. I wonder if my paranoia will come true, that a bunch of people will react to my post or ask questions. I guess and hope it will not.

Optimus said...

Pixie, I knew you would be surprised by the facts I was about to lay down in here (Or did you expected it? I know you did! ;).

Just one point I'd like to argue about here. Sorry for getting reactive on some of your words but there is no separation between "real life" and some other kind of life(sic) for me but that's just an illusion that produced confusion in my mind. Maybe this idea DOES work for others but not for me and so I've made up my mind to never think in that aspect anymore because that was only harmful for me.

And I've turned out into the conclusion that either I am hanging around in the net talking with female net personas or meeting some girls in real life should be the same in terms of how do I feel about it's rightfulnes/normality regardless the media used, only accepting the true facts that there are some advantages and disadvantages with either of these cases (E.g. distance, not many choices, openess/closeness). But maybe that's a point for yet another article..

I am sorry if I seem to have gotten angry when I come into specific terms that I consider cliche and an illusion anymore, like "real life", "electronic/virtual dreams" or anything else I can't remember right now. I just get so reactive to things lately that I don't seem to care whether my tone will harm anyone. I am sorry if so :(

Optimus said...

@Nitro2k01: Your article made me really happy/sad/curious/furious/thoughtful/and everything and the title made me laugh too. I have so many things to say and so many things to write and so I won't reply to it today because I have only 2-3 hours before going back to the army camp and I need plenty of time to think. Maybe tomorrow I'll reply to your blog and also there is something about what you say there I'd like to discuss personally. Be sure I will send you an email so that we talk personally about some things that I was lately curious on myself and really need to talk about with you. Even if the email or the reply is a bit late, don't worry, it will come. Soon.. and THANK YOU ^_^

Aasemoon said...

Hey Optimus, haha this was pretty interesting! =) Thanks for passing it, and I just posted the 5 facts.

Pixie said...

I did not mean this by saying "real life" I did not phrase it well.I meant that it would be nice to meet a girl that is not related with the net because I observed that a lot of people here pretend!

Optimus said...

@Pixie: It's my automatic (pablovian I'd say) negative reaction to several ideas or words/questions/suggestions implying them (or maybe I think you were implying something). Would that be an excuse to sound arrogant though? No matter what, I'd like to at least write some more and try to be a bit more honest and clear on what I was into.

As about the "real life" subject. When you mentioned it, it seemed to me that you imply something. Maybe I focused on writting about the meaning behind word and not what was really the thing that I somehow thought you were implying which was the true reason that triggered my response.

In it, it's like you are making a suggestion (which is not seen but my mind makes it up based on similar opinions I've heard from other people that implied the same) for something you observe. You might have seen that I have some kinda of obsession with being attracted with girls I find in the net. And you might want to tell me that "You know, maybe it's time to get more outside in the real world and hook up with girls around your neighboorhood, not girls on the net that are far away and you won't meet anyways". Most probably this is what you've seen and you wanted to suggest me. And it's not wrong. I just react with the idea, maybe because it's harder for me to be in a real date with a girl, so maybe you think I avoid it and find the internet dating as an excuse for not trying in real life, and you maybe right on that too. Maybe I've reacted in the blend of those ideas..

I like to escape from that idea though and I've decided that as long as I can't do with real life, I will do with what I once loved to do on the net, talking with female net personas but with a more open eye. It's not a quit from real life, rather than "if it doesn't work in real life, I won't oppress myself" and at least try different ways. So I don't separate anymore real life and the net life, because it only brings me these sources of blaming myself about not "trying" in real life. And even if at times, I am 99% on online dating and only, I decided to stop this as something negative and enjoy it whatever it is. I am fed up with this..

Maybe I sound confusing here and don't let you ground for adding something, I am not sure, but that's some kind of decision. I CAN'T search in real life at the moment and I won't get in sorrow about this or think I am doing something wrong. And I won't search in real life soon. I can't.. (and of course, I can't also because of the army but that's another story). Maybe I could explain why I can't in another article oneday..

I also don't beleive in the general idea that people pretend on the internet or you can't know much about the person involved. When I find people on various communities similar to myspace, people seem to be more open and share more than in real life. When I meet people in real life, usually the don't dare to say a lot about themselves. In the net you have some kind of profile with interests and more stuff. Thoughts, beliefs, orientations (you even learn whether the girl is single or not, straight or lesbo (harder for me to ask these directly in real life, gotta get the info from a friend of the girl instead in real life ;)), it's all there. (Maybe only the challenge is missing :). In real life, most girls look like regular girls. Though maybe if I meet the net personas in real life, they will look like regular girls too that did pretend they are something special, in that you will be right.

Anyways, lately I even wondered whether I really want a girlfriend, what do I want from her, what can I share with her, if I can really get over it, so I made some thoughts that might also go for another article. I think I have to go through an entirely different perspective than this dictated by the past opinions I have heard in order to get over this and find what I truly want. It's so confusing now and so I'll stop..

And so I'll go on looking at girls on the net and not try in real life, because I can't and even thing I shouldn't atm. I am final in this..

p.s. Really, oneself of mine wishes to be friendly even if he has to shut up his mouth several times, while my otherself reacts and even enjoys breaking this rule not matter if that would could lead to misunderstanding or losing one's friends. And sometimes I don't seem like caring about the second part. Un/fortunatelly, I even prefer to stay more arrogant lately and to the point even though I don't know where can this lead me but I don't seem to care :(

Pixie said...

I think you are personalizing what I am saying.I did not say that you should not find a girl that you meet here just pointing out my observation that many people in the net try to built a fake persona.From my experience.I was not even aware that you want to try to find a partner from the net exclusively.My apology if I have offended you.I am disappointed with people that I follow through their blogs and that was not directed to you personally.Sometimes there is nothing bad behind someones words.

Optimus said...

@pixie: You are right. Sometimes I take things (words, beliefs, ideas, suggestions, random stuff people say) too personal for my own reasons. Today I feel so great (maybe because things are generally nicer here and especially because I 've learned yesterday that I am a nominee for one of my demo works in the scene awards of 2006, (better read here), weeee!!! :P) and so I more relaxed, my mind is more clear and I think I can say now that it's me who should apologize for my tone yesterday. Sometimes I have my reasons to become stuborn in some cases, sometimes my mood is down, but let's keep it calm here today because today is a good day for me :)

Pixie said...

I am glad :)

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