Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Five elements of me.

Rania made me do it ;)
No, no, I am just kidding. I really like that she did it =)

So, this is the pyramidoid game (No connection to that pyramidoid shit that if you don't oblige to, your soul will be taken and shit ;P) where you say 5 things about yourself and put the request on 5 other bloggers to make the same. So, you learn things that you didn't know about other people whose blogs you were reading since a long. I really enjoyed writting the things below.

  1. I can't remember anything about my personality before my 18. Maybe I didn't have one. Iirc I was too closed to myself, too afraid, too shy, not into any activity, neither into listening music (When they asked me what music I listen to, I hated that question!), going to cafeterias, cinemas as most people did nor into other things, even though I wanted to get into some of these things but a great force, some kind of a universal shame/anxiety about everything (My OCD explains it for me) kept me from actually being anything. And so only at 18 I've choosen to be a programmer in the demoscene and that defined me then. But my excessive passion and unrealistic dreams killed me and I was the mockery of the scene chasing female scene girls since a long. I have gone through a lot of dissapointments that would put someone into a killing shame. Maybe other things inside the family killed me and didn't let me take things easilly though..
  2. Demoscene was not my biggest focus. Whenever I could feel my struggle in every day life (even though I couldn't know it's roots then) I know that people can't understand me. And suddenly I made up the idea that knowledge would release me. The great idea that I should focus into searching deeper into the truth about my life, myself, my struggle, why people behave like this plus several other similar matters, was craved into my head. That was it! Today, what I call analyzing, philosophizing, meditating (even if these sound a bit dull the way I say them :P) is my central focus in life. More than computers :) And the use is to help people who cannot be understood, to show a different perception of the world problems to the people, to change the way people think and react. Knowledge for justice. I know, my ambition is quite unrealistic and someone would say "Who do you think you are? Nietzsche? Jesus? Duh!!! ;P" but it's just me. And I even had some passionate (and tiring) lonely walks talking about all these things for hours. Ouch! (But I know I have to go on with this and I won't hear any objection from anyone ;PPP)
  3. I need my solitude. I like to take lonely walks at night in the city. And when I do this, I keep talking to myself in various kinds of atmospheres, either dead walking and slow talking, mysterious, feelingful, dreaming, hoping or furious, cursing and fast walking. Too much passion and too much things to analyze to myself so that he finally doesn't doubt about them, too much energy spend but I don't regret the process of it. It's just me! Sometimes a little burst of shame goes through about why am I doing that, but in my reactive nature I wonder why shouldn't I. And I think my shame is just an idea inserted in my mind by society even though it still feels hard. Maybe I wouldn't like to see myself doing that, while outside of my body. I don't know if you can see me at nights. Sometimes I feel like a fool but that's just me..
  4. Yet again, I could write way more about my weird nature in here. It would take me 15 bulletins to talk about each issue separately. But I will do here shortly by telling you that I am simply weird and I struggled with the thought that I am not normal since ever. Only recently I started liking myself and even knowing the reasons behind what I am. One central explanation behind various traits of me is that I am actually suffering from the Pure-O form of OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder). I am strange in so many ways but now I can know the reasons behind this and actually learn to love myself :)
  5. I am 27 and still a virgin. This is the one fact I was quite doubtful about writting here. But I broke because I think it's nothing I should be ashamed for. This is the one I struggled more talking about and I hated the question whether I have a girlfriend. I didn't struggle much by the fact that I don't have a girlfriend but with the thought of what people might think. And I find quite ridiculous what people think about people like me. I am here to fight the stereotypes behind this subject. And maybe find my soulmate too oneday.
Point zero (additional): I really like MILFs and lesbians/bisexuals. These girls are really making me horny. Haha!

So, here it goes over and the advent of beer makes me write about things I know I won't be ashamed of even if I was sober now. Oh, common! I really hate the things humans have put in my head. Shame is just a joke. The idea that I am just revolting by opening out things that aren't so important to be ashamed for if you think about it, gives me a nice reactivity add bonus that makes me horny too and so this is the way I'll finish with this and thing I'll be more free for I have been released more of me here. I like that blogs and internet makes it possible and so I will pass the ball to those special individuals:

Aasemoon
Stonesober
George the lonely game developer
Nitro2k01
Jobo

Oh, and you five don't be demotivated by my excessive disclosures, you don't need to write so deep personal things but anything you wish. Just look at other examples where things like food preferences, inside hobbies, strange habbits and funny occasions of the past are here. I just went too much through it, hehe ;) Of course you are free to write or not write, I just went through 5 people, for some of them I'd be really wondering to learn somethings about, some others are there to fill the gap so that I can post this. (It's not easy to find people for pyramidoid things)

Ho!

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Beliefs that bother me (final part one)


Prologue


In one of my previous articles, I found the chance to express my dislike about a set of popular beliefs. These have to do with what we perceive as "normal" and how should the "right" way of life be. It was a good chance, for since always I wanted to share my feelings and give a proper explanation on this issue. It wasn't bad, even though I knew I didn't got very deep inside the matter as I wished. And it wasn't such a failure as my old struggle, trying to excuse myself about the way I am and also not so messy as my old disagreement on the net with people who suddenly decided to preach me about how life should be. And blogging gave me the opportunity for the first time to spread some thoughts I always worried about, to discover that there are actually some people out there who care and understand.

It was a good start and the little yet incredible support from these people really motivated me to plan for a future set of articles on similar matters or even a different approach to counter towards these beliefs (Or a dark plan far away in the future as I obscurely like to say ;). Such moments make me feel that it's worth fighting for and so I'd like to thank you very much for your support. I remembered my feelings again and then I suddenly decided that maybe it's time to write the 3rd part and get finished of these first series of texts.

The 2nd part was a bit out of subject or not into the point and it just came out as a supplement to my feelings about people who might understand and speak different than predicted (they DO exist!). It was a momentary lapse to decide writting about that story and that girl. Cute but maybe off topic.

With this article, I'll try to get back into the primary point and actually speak on my personal view I finally aquired through years of struggle and disbelief, how ingeniously society and most of the people forced me to doubt about my real self, how this system of beliefs works and grows up and how blatant seem their ideas to finally be in my eyes. And that won't be the last article on the subject rather than the end of the first series (final part one). I don't know what will further come out in the future but I'd like that it will be more structured and deep into the point than these unorganized texts that might want to say something and hopefully they do. And so, the next one may take some time..


The struggle of being different


People always accused me of not resembling 95% of the world. The most usual reasons were that I was less social than the rest, maybe too shy or a loner or simply stuck to myself, being focused on a strange hobby that most people don't understand, while showing no interest to the things most people are into.

Their blame sounded too rational and it always hurted my feelings. For I couldn't understand!

What they actually tried to show me is some kind of logic on why my life sucks and what is wrong with me. That logic used popular axioms on what life is and what is normal, though it seemed quite logical to me at that time (and it's sounding still does). And there was the point of conflict! That logic told me something that couldn't match what my heart says. Indirectly spoken, there was something wrong with myself. It told me that I shouldn't be myself, that it was my big bad mistake. And the biggest struggle was that I couldn't counter it!

What their arguments actually said is that my attitude/personality/way of life that I've "chosen" was a wrong idea. And these preachers were there in order to show me the "right" path based on their experience. In fact, that's actually what I received from them. And my feelings were hurt because I constantly believed that I am the wrong one and that I should be ashamed for that. As if I've actually chosen to be like this? As if I oneday woke up and actually decided to be like that! Because of some not as quite "logical" reasoning as theirs that I misunderstood? And they are here to proove me the right way, oh well ;P

If what they said was logical then why am I that person? Have I chosen it? Did I prefer to be shy and weird instead of normal and boring because I thought it might be more cool? And why am I still that freak? Why can't I be just like them no matter if I try? Why do I differ? This is what I couldn't understand, this is what made me almost more sad than ever..

I know now. And I'd like to try telling you..


A deviant nature

Maybe I was too young to understand at the time. Maybe I was taking things too seriously (which were pointed to me in the same manner though). Maybe I beleived that what I am blamed for is my wrong character (and that's what I was blamed for indeed). Maybe I thought I had to change and be just like most of the people. But I couldn't no matter if I tried. It was a struggle for me to be "normal" and something I was forced to and learned to dislike.

There was a confusion between my thoughts and feelings. Because I wasn't much aware about one single truth. That I am just a different person, not the wrong one who had to be cured!

For some reasons I was more introverted than the average person, being a loner/hermit or the shy guy, overanalyzing matters, thinking it too much, being focused on something creative that would totally absorb me while not being too much attracted to everyday life, I was the guy who has no girlfriend, I was the geek obsessed with his computers, I was the freak and somehow I was ashamed about what I am. Because they made me feel ashamed through these years.

Everything is just words. Ideas that gets into your head as you grow up. Popular beliefs have such a big influence into your feelings and people react automatically when they encounter them. The most usual reaction is to nod your head in universal agreement. If a belief doesn't affect you, it's natural to show your acceptance on what sounds true. Why someone who is not into our struggle should bother to disagree with something that sounds so natural to him and have his friends stare at him strangely for his obscure objection towards real life ethics? And so, through the process socialization between people who have no reason to care, the most popular ideas about life get spreaded and since everyone says so and you get to hear so, these ideas tend to sound more and more real. Another term for these popular beliefs is memes and ignorance is called the process that creates them. Though it's natural and I wouldn't like to blame them. The life of a big amount of people truly resembles what these beliefs try to tell us and it's all deep in our minds. And so, most of the people in the world really look like our idea of an average normal person. And that makes us think/feel/perceive that this must be the natural way to be :P

Modern life ethics that make me doubt about myself. And my heart tells me what my mind can't comprehent. Ideas. Words. Do they have the same meaning for everyone?

To be introverted is something people criticize. But a good friend told me once that in psychology that word describes a different kind of person. Even himself thought sometimes before that being introverted is not a good thing and it had to be cured by trying to be more social. Though, in psychology people are split in extroverted and introverted personalities and they are all accepted as something natural.

To be focused is another thing that most people criticize. Maybe because it reminds them of a serious looking teacher/scientist/madman (E.g. in movies the mad scientist is a common cliche) who is too focus on his studies that he doesn't look far away himself. And maybe because the younger generations wish to live a life full of joy, girls, happiness, entertainment instead of having to bear with the conservative elderly who are too obsessed about school/studies, blame the youth for their lustful life, being too strict and serious instead of further enjoying their lifes. Maybe my way of life was blatantly blended with theirs. Mmm,. both elder and younger people didn't like me. But is it too bad to be focused, to be like some great scientists, thinkers, philosophers, artists or geeks? Should everyone be the average person? To be focused and choose another path in life than just enjoying it, should be accepted in my opinion as the wish of a unique kind of people that seek for something different than most people do.

This is my nature.


Disorder

The greatest clue about everything that mattered me, was given to me when I started getting more into what people call mental disorders, first by finding out in my surprise that there is a name for something that bothered me since my youth. That bug is what made me more sad than ever. It's too hard to get now into detail about what is called Pure OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) and generally this is a personal thing that I am sure is a part of me and I had my time arguing with friends whether it is my idea or rather just a psychological trait that could easily fade away if I changed my attitude towards life. I won't get into this now. I'd just mention at the moment that OCD is the same thing that makes me anxious in social situations, always blaming myself, totaly lacking of self-esteem, being absorbed by my thoughts and isolated, as it is (I beleive) the one and the same thing that gave me the presents of constant doubt, analytical thinking, my passion and my focus, while also making me more aware about a kind of struggle some people don't want to understand because they didn't possibly went through the same thing as me in the past. It teached me understanding and rendered me to be thoughtful, though these being again a part of the doubting nature of my OCD.

In a nutshell I discovered that there must be a more proper explanation about my social traits and the different nature of me. Not the one that kept me blaming myself about what I've "chosen" to be. As if I did. What I am was always a part of my nature. And people will disagree by saying that if I think like this then I'll postpone any attempt to change. But the matter is: Did I have to actually change?

I now know myself more and it's confronting to be aware that this nature is something that shares both traits and gifts that I should accept. It's in my personal crisis now to figure out how to learn to like myself and take care and use the elements of my nature in my advantage. I can now be me. I know now what I always needed to know..


Epilogue

Just a remark: It's not that everyone who is diferrent should suffer from some kind of disorder. It's just that the search into disorders (either my case or others) teached me that some people are the way they are because it's in their nature and that is neither bad nor should it be changed. Would you make some rational claims why someone shouldn't be gay for example? He hasn't chosen to behave like this! But it's not something bad at the end. It's just the social struggle and criticism that makes the whole thing feel bad. How about asexual people? Yes!!! There are people who don't enjoy sex and their brain biology don't let them feel. Biggest taboo ever for the popular beliefs to say that but it's true! How can you know how these people really feel and how can you claim it's their mistake?! Autistic persons? A friend says to me "well, us autistics don't naturally learn social skills. We might have to learn them manually and that is what defines us as autistic.". And she beleives that this is not a disorder that should be cured. She tells me that they just have a different brain with it's advantages and disadvantages. People suffering from SAD (Social anxiety disorder). Are they just having the attitude of avoiding social situations because they have gone through the wrong path? Hell no!

And do you know what I lately think about all these so exclusively categorized disorders? It's just another word. If the disorders didn't interfere so badly in the social lives of these individuals, their deviance wouldn't be considered something that has to be categorized. It's the observation of the individual that something is not "right" with him but maybe it's that one which makes him feel different (maybe "disfunctional") to the rest of the world. But it's just a unique kind of personality to me that maybe has to struggle with real social life because of that difference. Not something that has to be cured!

I figured out that there are two primary kinds of struggle for deviants. The physical pain that may come out of their possible "disorder" and the social pain that they have to endure because of the constant criticism and unacceptance from society. And sometimes the second one is quite more painful for the individual..

If you differ, there is a good reason for that. Try to find that in yourself and actually like yourself. It took me more than 10 years and I still struggle at times. But now I know..

Thank you for listening.

Monday, February 05, 2007

Synesthesia

A strange new phenomenon came into my conscience when I reached my bed after the usual army patrol I have to endure for the 64th time, especially the most annoying ones between 3 and 6 o clock a.m. I like to stay there in bed while closing my eyes and listening to some feelingful tunes in my MP3 player. I was so sleepy today in the morning and listening to some of my favorite VNV Nation songs (An ebm/futurepop group I recently met and was instantly converted into their absolute fan!) like Further, Beloved, Kingdom and others. For some strange reasons, I let my conscience to try to pick out and separate the little electronic sounds of it, in a mid-sleepy sense, subconsciounsly concentrating into that activity and then something weird happened that when I became aware of, it felt so psychedelic that I got so focused into trying to figure out what actually happened and couldn't listen to the song anymore. Wow is what I whispered. Twice.

The sounds were separated. As a visual mathematician and insane pattern matcher, I could first feel the curves and shapes and roughness the sounds looked like. Ok for me, till this point (am I weird or not? ;). Then things moved on to a higher level but there I was half sleepy and wasn't aware of the point where things went from shapes to something colorful and how it felt like the separated pieces of sound formed things that really looked to me like green(dark), purple (blueish) and orange (redish). The green was rough and big, the others came on it's surface. It was in 3d space. And it felt to me so natural that those sounds should be matching these colors. And then I wowed and couldn't concentrate on it anymore. I was listening to the song Saviour by VNV Nation at the time and I couldn't listen to music anymore because I had to make a hard pause and actually think of what the hell I was just perceiving!

The way it happened kinda reminds me of lucid dreaming. That one happens to several people and most of them might not be aware of it when it happens. When you suddenly perceive that you are actually dreaming, inside your dream, there is a high possibility that you might wake up out of astonishment or other reasons I am not aware of. But when it (first?) happens, it is such an uninvited surprise and it's like for a tiny second your subconscious is revealed to your awareness and you perceive something that you weren't supposed to feel.

Such feelingful things happens to me when I am half asleep. It has happened to listen to some music (I think it was a ballad from Hammerfall) that my brother put on the CD player, while waking up in the morning, still not reviving full conscience from my last dream, to get such a great feeling during that morning, making this song one of my favorites for a long while I recently heared it again and thought it's not a big deal. It happened that I had such a different perception of things and such relaxed and clear were my thoughts when I woke up at times. And after having nice dreams of special things and then waking up and still being half asleep, that feeling goes along for the rest of the day and makes it up for me. It happened that I got some solutions to some problems while waking up in such a state. And it never felt the same when I was later fully awaken. But the event I describe above was unique and it was my first time to feel such a great thing!


With the title above and the story below, I don't want to claim that I am a synesthetic. Most probably I am not and I think that there are more strange things into those people that feels quite different than my temporary half-sleepy experience. It just happened that what I felt kinda reminded me of what people mean by the term synesthesia and that astonished me so much that I wanted to write about. And I thought it is a good title because I also wanted to find the opportunity to talk further about it. I don't think I have something to do with what those people are living through. Afteralls, being self ironic I later pointed out that green are my army clothes and the mix of dark purple and orange/redish is that of my sleeping bag!!! Hahaha, I fell out on the floor laughing when I understood that fact! ;)

Though, there was really something into it that I lived and liked and maybe I'll try to do that again with more feelingful or psychedelic songs in order to investigate further into that feeling. At least this is something I can more easilly/frequently experiment with, unlike lucid dreaming (Pissed off having to wake up the 16th time after I get aware that I am actually dreaming!!! :P)

Neat! And VNV rulez =)

Synesthesia sounds like one of the most interesting conditions of the human perception to me and I'd like to read more articles about it in the future. Maybe have the opportunity to actually meet/talk with some true synesthetics?

When it happens, I wake up with the most great mood ever. To feel something that cannot be felt..
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