Thursday, December 13, 2007

Senseless is good.

For yet another time I was challenged by the same question. What makes it more interesting is that it's one of these few times that the person who asks me this question seem to at least understand the technical merit of what am I doing in the demoscene.

Most people might not understand what a demo is. It's the same as a video on youtube for them. But few other people I met who happen to either study informatics or are computer geeks, still wonder why do I spend my coding abilities in a kind of software that is useless? They seem to understand the hard work behind democoding and they even adore what I am capable of, yet they'd wish that I spent my creativity into producing some usefull applications or games or anything else that is more usefull than demos. They find that it's a loss of talent.

Heh! I laugh at this question because I feel that it's like asking Picasso about the meaning of painting. Some people like to say that demomaking is a new kind of digital art. Usually they also argue about what is art and what's not. There are several definitions yet there is a special characteristic of art that also applies to the question above.

Demos are senseless. But that is art! Creating demos not because they have to be usefull but just because you felt like being creative is the same as composing a music song, writting a poem or painting a picture just for the sake of it. Art is done for the sake of itself! It doesn't need to have a meaning in the sense of what regular people call "a meaning".

There is no answer to their question. Because "usefull" is defined in a way that cannot be understood inside a creative community but only makes a sense in everything we do in real life. Though the greatest thing that happened to me after I was challenged to answer this question is that I loved and understood what I was doing in the demoscene in a greater degree. My reflection upon the inability to find a good answer plus the fact that this "uselessness" is a major characteristic of art that completes itself had as a result that I was fullfilled by a feeling of greater sense about demomaking.

And suddenly I was happy by the thought that I was involved in such a creative community instead of rejecting anything that is not supposed to be making any sense in the real world. Senselessness does make a sense! More sense than real life..

Sunday, December 02, 2007

I am here now

In the middle of nowhere. 80 days left.

Friday, November 16, 2007

Back at last.

I was missing for 2 weeks from the internet because of the army. Currently I am in Kilkis which is very close to Thessaloniki and things are very well here but I will live this place soon because it's just a recruitment center. I don't know where I will go next but I don't care much because only 3 months remain. What matters me most is what's coming next, even though I try to avoid thinking of the future.

I am in a much better state concerning how I view things and during the time in the army several good changes occured that I believe they will help me move on with more self-esteem in life. Though it's not what most people think. They beleive that the army environment changes you by making you more "man" or by teaching you to think more in a way that helps you survive in the greek society. Someone also thought that because I didn't tie my army boots the way the army wants then I differ in a negative way, that I need to grow up, that the army has to kill me psychologically in order to get things done and convert me into a "man". Nothing of all these happened.

Instead I was so much fed up, not only with the army, but especially because I had to live together with 20 "normal" guys with the same predictable attitude and views that I fail to argue with, that I decided to just believe in myself and not give a damn. Well it was always like this, it's just that in this annoying environment I really said the self-pitty is over and I will just remain strong mentally against the attacks of the ideas around my world and especially inside myself.

Maybe it was also the time I learned more about OCD, Asperger's and some of their elements said things about myself. It was the time I made some interesting conclusion regarding the way most people think and react, how they socialize and what are their motives in comparison to my own ways and motives. I have even noticed that most people really don't care as much as me while I take things too seriously to be able to live in this world without anxiety. Several of these ideas for some reasons gave me more self-esteem or maybe a different air towards social situations. But it's still not what people would think. People want to change you. They would expect me to look social now. No! They may still see me being ackward or not talking too much in a social situation, they will see no change, but in my view and my liking I have changed because I don't feel too insecure now when I notice that I am still the introverted guy. The fact is that I changed inside me and I am still working on with that change, at least I am more optimistic than ever that I will reach a good point soon. And I need it by the day I'll end with my army duty because bigger challenges are coming in my life.

So, no. I haven't changed even an inch the way they want me to change. I have changed what I feel inside me. For them I am still the same shit. For me, I can bravely and with self-esteem stop listening to them anymore!

There are several other articles I'd like to write now. Maybe soon, maybe later..

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Emotion and logic.

Some people either praise emotion or logic at 100%. They totally despise the opposite side of what they praise. But do they understand that the side they hate is also inside them?

A father desperately cries: "You SHOULD be logical!". Yet, it's the emotion that drives him at the exact time to shout with so much anger to his son for an action/thought that seems "illogical" to his view. He is totally emotional inside yet he speaks about logic. For the son, his father is illogical when he doesn't pay attention to his son's emotions. Yet he preaches about logic. Is "logic" about "doing the only good thing" to them? THEIR good thing of course, not everyone's. THAT good thing is constructed upon their past experiences, memories, emotions and just about everything. So emotion comes again in the play.

Emotion comes from the word motion. A human brain with just logic would be like a senseless zombie. Motivation zero. What about a brain without logic and only emotion? I think logic comes from our great will (will=motivation=emotion) to explain everything around us. I think emotion is a more primitive function in the brain, meaning that it came before logic in the evolution. Yet there is an important connection between the two that makes us what we are. People talk about purely "logical" functions yet in order to be motivated to solve maths or code computer programms someone needs to be motivated. Emotion is the gas and logic the means.

So, it already sounds naive to me when someone overpraises either of them as if they don't use both already. Maybe they are just talking about quantities, like saying that someone needs to be more emotional than logical or the opposite. Yet, the scale either depends on the situation or everyone's needs. I can't be always 100% logical (whatever that means) nor would I blame a girl for being overemotional if it works this way for her.

Yet imagine how emotional are some situations that imply logic. How emotional does someone sound himself who overreacts at you for acting emotionally! What a funny contradiction :)

And yet some place for another contradiction. The question is: Are emotions good? Are they bad? What about logic?

A better question would be: "When are emotions/logic a good or bad idea?"

I guess it still depends on the situation. Yet it also depends on the person imho. You could say that in a specific situation one of the two is the answer. Or even a certain percentage of each. This could still change depending on the person involved. Some parents use specific ways to treat their children, though the same ways could have different results on each individual. It's not that right to say that there is a single method here that works for every child.

Recently, I have spoken the exact words to myself: "Your feelings deceive you.". Sometimes emotions are like an electric chair torture. Something in your past forces you to receive negative feelings when being brought in the situation A. Emotion A says "I don't like situation A. It's bad! Baaddddd!!! You hear me? BAD!" and makes you feel guilty about it. But something inside you tells you that it's not logical to despise situation A. Situation A is good for you and everyone else, so why should you be restricted? But then emotion comes first and even if you have declared a logical idea that says that situation A is good and you shouldn't have negative feelings about it, you still get'em. It's like someone sadistically presses the button to charge your body with electricity each time your mind speaks of situation A! It never stops..

Yet, did your logic saved you here? I said that it's something inside you that helped you make the distinction that you have feelings that deceive you about situation A. "Something inside you". What? Logic? Or.. desire. The desire to be free from emotions that restrict you without any good reason. Something inside "moves" you (desire), let's say the emotion B that tells you "I don't wanna be restricted!!! Use your logic to proove that the situation A is accepted. Please!". Still, the emotion B (the urge to accept situation A despite the emotion A against it) drove you to seek for a logical solution to this problem. Emotion B fired a spark of doubt about the validity of emotion A and logic just served this request.

Now look how complex it gets! Could someone now easilly say that emotion is stupid or logic too strict? Oh come on..

My favorite example on this rant is sex. Isn't it the most logical sounding thing in the world that sex is something natural and there is nothing bad about it? Then why does our emotion order us to feel shy about sex? At that point, another emotion oblidges us to use our logic and think this is stupid! That is emotion B. And this is not where it ends. Diferrent people create a diferrent set of logical arguments for the situation A problem (the sex). Some people try to logicaly explain that emotion A is right, each one following their own logical path. And of course others would follow their logical paths to explain that emotion A is wrong.

Actually,. here is a point where I made a mistake that could lead to a dead end. I'd like to mention this one before closing. It's not the emotion A that is wrong rather than what brought it in the first place. Another way to view this is: "Situation A is right. It doesn't mean that because the emotion A is right then Situation A is wrong. I could logically think that sex is ok and act based on my logic in this matter, no matter if my feelings disagree. It's electricity that sometimes deceive me and sometimes motivate me for the better afterall. That's a different way to think this whole matter..

Actually, it all depends on our interpretation of emotions. Emotions do exist in any one of us and logic is our means to explain them. When I say that some emotions deceive, maybe it's just the wrong interpretation of them that does so.

I was motivated to write these random thoughts by using logic, purely inspired by my emotions..

Saturday, October 20, 2007

New blogz.

Είχα δεν είχα άνοιξα πάλι καμμένα blogs.

Gates to Delirium (Strangenstein is BACK!!!)
Plasma Fun (reviews of demos, games, doom wads, music, videos and everything else that I like to see on my screen)

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Drunken Delirium 3 Turbo 7

Because someone said bnot my drunken.
I drunken.

Ich waqr des polizei
und das geschetz
zu erscvhetzen


anime are cue

and grls abnime curte

the cure

rabarila dila delroro digoa digaosap tsap tsapa lalalala

nice dronk


You mnew
knoew,,. its fun rwriting
writing what come

now this not like aother

I will write castaneda
Ο Καστανέντα δεν την παλεύει κάστανο. Ούτε καλαμπόκι..



Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Drunken delirium 2 & 1/2

Drink is nice. It still teaches me things. Unlike smoking which I still don't get. I try a bunch but don't get it. That's better for me.

Why do I feel different? I guess because alcohol affects the brain chemistry but that's a common answer. Well, what do I want to listen? Maybe why do I suck so much without alcohol? I guess because my brain chemistry is different. And why it's not the same with others? Maybe because others brain chemistry is different than mine. Simple as that!

Ok,. I am just drunken and I write whatever comes in my mind. And this will be a random post (without even a plan).

When I am drunken, I have a great feeling and urge to call some old friends in my mobile, even those I don't know very well. Why does it only happen when under the influence of alcohol? Why isn't it regular to want to phone friends when I am not drunken, in sober situations? And why still I don't feel that there is some fear, but some indiferrence instead?

It's like I don't care. Other people feel they are lonely, I don't care about loneliness. This feeling neither occures when drunken but a nice feeling that I can phone some friends for no apparent reason occures. But it's not that I need to do that, it just comes. Is it maybe the feeling that I can without a reason? Just for fun?

Actually I phone them and I tell them I am drunken and we talk. Just for no apparent reason..

And yet when I am drunken, I talk with my friends about things that matter me and I feel different about them than when I am sober. Old news.

And then I return back home to swift from one situation to the other. I start listening to the misery in my family, I mean their miserable monologues expressing their anxiety about my life. And I become the same miserable being. Is it true that my parents have affected myself so much? That I hide one deadly serious self and a funny crazy one?

This pisses me off. And the time ends here in the netcafe. I just want to write now more about these shit..

It pisses me off.

Maybe I could just listen to what drink has to say to me. Afteralls I am not really an alcoholic, I don't drink everyday, maybe once a week or once a month, because rare social occasions permit this to me. But when I drink, I do it for that different feeling and the fun and experimentation of it.


p.s. But I am optimistic because I learn more. And I had a nice time today! :)

Monday, September 24, 2007

The boomerang effect.

I am discussing my issues with a shrink and it all comes around the idea that everything should and should not make sense at the same time. No,. this is actually my idea. Together we came into the conclusion that the fact how deadly seriously (or accurately) I take things is the most serious problem here. And I do agree with that. I already know that. I just need something to persuade myself to act different (see one of my previous posts) and while most other people would JUST act without asking, I needed a whole analysis on how everything balances in thin air, a whole justification that it's ok to pretend and not take someone's words and critics too hard but even act like you listen to him or say something pretentious to show you somehow agree yet his logic do not match to your case or even try to disagree as a game but not taken seriously, even let a second mind analyze your discussions and his/your reactions to your little fake game. It's even fun to think it like this, ironic my brother would say. Anyways, this is a game I already started playing especially towards the people who annoy me with their presence (as I can't struggle trying to be honest with them anymore, they won't listen really) and perhaps I will still be honest with true friends. Yet, here I am honest for all of you (because it's a blog of my thoughts that just come in my head) and even more honest by announcing to you that I will become more pretendious and less real in social situations, especially against those cases of people and conditions which normally make me struggle. Oh yes, I will be a shameless actor and it's fun, really fun!

Thus I still have this feeling that things are serious and not serious at the same time. And I am one of the few still being hurt by trying to make a sense out of all these. For most people there is no time for caring but they wouldn't show that. They would pretend they are also caring as I seem I am pretending too. Because I thought that what I see in other people and think I don't have it, I may still show it or may have it too as it's natural. It's natural to care more about yourself and only make the sense or pretend making speaking of sense (logoi?) that matches what makes you feel good, not what is definitelly there. So maybe I am just pretending and don't know it or maybe it seems to the others that I am pretending. But why do I care about what others see upon me. Do they ever tell me? What matters more? What if at that moment feel fine with what I am or what do I pretend? What if everything makes the perfect sense to me and I try to place a sense to every thing, the right and the wrong ones (who could tell what is right or wrong anyways?). Isn't that people do? The difference that I tried to be far too critical, far too precise, concerning my choice of what is right and what is wrong.

And they tell me about grey. Grey is popular. Everyone talks about grey. So I already knew about grey before people telling me. It's a catch up phrase to say that not everything is black and white but there is grey too. But who defines grey? Who defines what's right, wrong, too much, too few, who defines balance?

So balance would be to be not that much serious yet not extremely funny. Funny, I mean unserious, not caring, indifferent, reckless. The other side. People talk about sides and that there needs to be balance. Well, I think this balance (at least concerning my case) is too thin. I know now! For people who take things seriously and ideas accurately, everything must make a perfect sense. The balance is thin. One little step and everything is wrong. And sometimes I see contradictions. For some other people, whatever they like is the balance and everything they dislike should be criticise as extreme. But it's easy for them to not see their inaccuracy and lightly believe and feel everything is alright under their own logic and they even work fine in their case. In their case I would easilly see my blatant mistakes and blame myself. But that's overanalyzing and criticising every side of my life. My shrink says it's like every day in my life I give exams about my life and every way I act/everything I do. It's a very nice and accurate analogy I think.

So, let's return to the contradiction. For me, balance is like two opposite forces dragging me. I even visualised that oneday in my mind (and thought of something I'd like to paint one day in my computer, two angels of opposite philosophies dragging me from both sides and me not being able to decide whom to throw down and where to go. Crazy!). There are many cases where we say that A brings B and B brings A or A and B have their possitive and negative sides and someone need to get the best from both. And that drives people to converge into the popular "Pan Metron Ariston" which for some reasons I dislike, not because I am extreme and they are balanced, but because it's too general and people can use it and think everything is fine with them and yet at the same time using this overrated ancient greek proverb to criticise me for being on the edge.

A brings B and B brings A. Personal example. If I think it too much that I MUST do something, if I am oppresive with myself and fear of negative results, it won't work. I will get anxious and not function properly, thus producing what my anxiety wanted me to avoid. E.g. I should be social, I should be calm, yet by thinking that I SHOULD be calm, I become anxious and am not calm. A dead end. A vicious circle. I think we all know the classical phenomenon. I also call it the boomerang effect. Also we said I should stop being as serious. What happens here is I get anxious about not succeeding in being less serious, so I become more serious about becoming less serious. Crazy!

I become more serious about achieving my goal to become less serious. So I am still more serious. What to do. Ignore becoming less serious. Stop caring about the results. Easy to say but hard to do. In some other cases there is me not trusting myself of letting me go with the flow. I mean,. I have seen another case where I need to do programming work on my computer. But I am lazy and surf the net or play some games instead! Yet I am anxious that for yet another day I won't work on my programming job but instead be seduced to play some nifty new games because it's nicer than coding. So I get serious about my programming job. Yet when I am getting too serious it's a struggle and so starting to work becomes a more struggling idea and it's even more struggling that I will not do that and play games instead. A crazy vicious circle! So one solution is to just let myself do the lazy stuff instead (inet, games, etc), to willingly select to not work for today and relax, because that anxiety about working is what drives me to not work. The anxiety about doing A has the exactly opposite results to not do A. Boomerang. Yet, I have another anxiety there. That if I leave myself to play and do fun stuff for the pretense that I need to relax so that I have more mood to work, maybe the same will happen tomorrow and after tomorrow. Yet another vicious circle! And I float around these things or these things float in my mind and so I am always anxious when I sit down to work on something creative.

How can someone escape from this dead end?

There are two primary solutions I know:

  • Starting is everything. My fear/anxiety of not starting working on something makes the situation so unbearable that works as a boomerang effect and I will never start actually working and as long as I see that I didn't start, I will think that the same thing will happen the next day and will be dissapointed even more that I will be fed up of thinking about working so that I will avoid working. To break this cycle I should shadow these feelings and JUST DO IT! If you don't, the unfinished job will still be there annoying your mind. Just finish the damn thing!

  • Just do exactly the opposite of what your anxiety says (this is similar to the technique for fighting the struggle of OCD compulsions). Is it the anxiety that you won't work on your programming projects but instead being seduced to play some nifty new games on your PC? Just allow yourself to not work and play games for a day or two without caring much. Relax and forget everything! Your problem is not really a problem. When you take it seriously it becomes a problem and your anxiety has the exactly opposite effect of what it's supposed to fight. So just pretend it doesn't matter you and even do the opposite to break the cycle.

The 1st solution reminds me of obsessions followed by compulsions. I must work, I must work, I am not working enough, I am not productive enough, I wasn't good enough. It's what works wrong in extreme doses of anxiety and produces the opposite effects. Sometimes it works for an instant but doesn't kill the cycle of anxiety. If I finish my first computer project, I will start making plans for another one, yet oppresing myself to JUST DO IT for another damn time. The problem is solved only temporarly.

The 2nd solution is something to be taken with patience and self-trust, because your first thought is "But if in that problem I just allow myself to not work and play, then I will do the same thing the next day and the day after tomorrow and after three days I will see I haven't worked and become anxious again and even more anxious than if I had JUST DONE IT!". Something scares you away from this sollution because if it doesn't work, you've just lost another 3 days of productivity.

Personally I have tried both solution. I understand the logic of both. I understand why both sound good and perfect yet both make no sense at the end because of their flaws and my thoughts bouncing from one to the other. Lately, I do some mixed shit, like both having open a compiler (for programming/work) and the net and working for few minutes, switching to browsing the net, switching to playing some game, switching back to working, not the best but sometimes worked. Because I feel I both relaxed and done a small portion of work instead of nothing. Though it feels mixed.

It feels like a dead end in the thing people call balance which is for me a very thin line I have to balance on. I can't find that balance everyone talks about but noone really cares about. Maybe I just shouldn't care too and enjoy the moment no matter if it's right or wrong or grey or anything. And pretend it's the right thing for me if anyone asks me!

I have discovered that I am defined by two personalities. A deadly serious and perfectionist self yet a funny, simply crazy and unorganized fellow. And they usually are in a conflict.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Organizing thoughts.

Look at this scheme. It's just another theory trying to make a connection between four different mental disorders that seem to relate somehow. Yet it's interesting and the first thing I find when googling for "OCD autism". Someone told me that many people on the autistic spectrum also show OCD symptoms. It was interesting for me to find out more about it and how things really relate because I believe there must be something else that explains all these cases instead of strict medical categorization. There is a vast variety of people out there and each of these disordered people is unique. Sometimes the medical distinction doesn't match with various cases and this either leads to confusion or invention of new disorders. So, I have a great urge to find out more about all these and where my place is and that's what I am going to discuss here for a while.

In this scheme, OCD is only about the popular side of it, like object sorting, excessive cleaning, etc. There is no place for my kind of Pure-O OCD, the repeative thoughts totally taking place inside my mind without showing any external rituals. What is interesting here is the 3rd column. It seems that my Pure-O OCD matches mostly this column even if not for sure. Another strange thing is that here Asperger's is explained as the struggle of someone to organize his thoughts about everything he senses. Asking someone what is autism or AS in a nutshell, he'd reply that it shows as the inability/difficulty to communicate/socialize because social skills do not come naturally to this kind of people, thus they have to learn them manually. It's nowhere here on this scheme, however someone would easily connect the explanation here (Organizing thoughts, trying to make perfect sense from all things around) to the inability in socialization (Remember my previous post, socializing is not about the truth but foreplay) => (I will explain this later). And then there is Kanner's autism which is just about the other side of autism where the individual is too sensitive to lights, sounds, etc. And also ADHD which I cannot analyze right now but really need to learn more..

What surprised me is how much the 3rd column in the scheme fits me. Please, I don't try to claim that I am autistic or anything here (currently I am only 100% entirely sure about my Pure-O OCD) and you don't need to bring on the argument of imaginary disorders. Let's say that I am just talking in theory and wish to point out some things that I find interesting.

It seems that trying to obsessively explain everything I sense around me by analyzing deeply, constantly talking to myself and writting huge texts where I repeat several of my ideas I don't feel absolutely confident with yet, is happening so excessively that I cannot doubt much about fitting in this category. Even the label "understanding" really speaks to myself about it. I am so obsessive about the perfect truth, the one that defies any doubt, that which speaks really of UNDERSTANDING of what is actually there, hidden by the piles of imaginary ideas that we use to communicate. I really feel that I don't relate by words and their feelings but trying to sense/understand what is there, how I feel about anything, what's the possibility with the rest of the world that I try to understand in order to have a whole answer, which might also be a vain search however it doesn't matter right now. What matters is that something in my nature (or my personality someone would say, doesn't matter for now) compels my mind to really think like this. It's what drives my endless ruminations and big texts.

The Asperger's explanation that my Pure-OCD matches more in this scheme but still not entirely because it does not mention thoughts that are incompatible to the individual's personality but only the struggle to organize thoughts according to your senses in a way that all makes perfect sense. Though, this element seems to be very primary in my case of endless ruminations and at the beginning I thought it's just a side effect of my OCD. But then I find it here as a primary element of Asperger's. Strange.

Now some good questions would be: What is the common thing that connects Asperger's and OCD, how the overanalyzing/thought organizing compulsions relate to Pure-O OCD irrelevant annoying thoughts and how is the social inability also connected to all these?

In an attempt to draw some fast conclusions, I'd start from the thought organizing compulsions and say that it seems to be connected with everything else. I think that this issue relates with my previous blog post concerning my obsession with the truth and how most of the other world (and so socialization too) works in a different way of thinking.

About the ugly thoughts of Pure-O OCD. I am so strict with what is there and how I sense things that I cannot leave the fact alone that a random thought of something I disapprove suddenly past through my mind. Maybe thoughts come randomly and have nothing to do with the personality of the individual but though it really mattered me that I made that ugly thought I am ashamed about or incompatible with. Now imagine someone who even does not care about the contradictions in his everyday beliefs. He would care even less about his random thoughts because nobody can read his mind and so for the people around him he is still a great guy. I mean,. it really matters me to the core about everything I think and whether it's compatible with myself. No matter if I can hide it, it still hurts me inside. For other people, what matters is what you show and not what you really are. Maybe they are not much aware of their true self or do not wish to. In fact I can't know how other people think and feel, but I do know that this obsession of all my thoughts being in order really makes a sense concerning the fact that some random thoughts annoy me. This is another theory of how the 3rd column and Pure-O OCD could be connected.

And what about the social inability? There are several relations here. First of all, remember the previous thread, socialization is incompatible with what is really there but rather works with what shows to be as most people will like to perceive. It's not the truth, it's not actuality, it's just senseless and contradictory. So? What if someone would not care and just try to socialize regardless if it's true or not? What if I try to just be myself regardless the reactions? What makes me struggle is fear and while someone would say it has nothing to do with the inability of autistic people to socialize, I regularly read that some people in the autistic spectrum are living between two worlds and there is an awareness that someone actually is ackward in social situations. I know about such people who ask to themselves "What am I supposed to do now? How do I react in that social situation? What did I do wrong?". Maybe there are some autistic persons who don't ask these questions and are totally lost in their own world but there are others who are aware of their autistic condition. And that creates fear and doubts concerning social situations, which drives them off.

Still, there are a lot of things unsolved, and while I started writting something about thoery of mind and it's contradictions, I discovered that I have to read a lot more first. Also, the post became much bigger than I thought and so I'll stop here.

What I know now is that my excessive way of thinking that causes also those ruminations and big texts is what is described in that table. Regardless if it's named Asperger's or has no connection, it seems to be connected with my OCD.

And yet I must find out more..

p.s. The scheme and categorization is explained in this site

Monday, September 10, 2007

Something I've just learned.

Things don't work very well for you when you are too honest. Acting is very beneficial most of the times. Very few things seem to be true in our society. Since the beginning of civilization we've tried to describe everything with words. All our ideas, our perception, our views, our beliefs, our thoughts were build upon each other since the beginning of time. Everything is just a huge pile of imaginary beliefs. We needed some common references in order to be able to communicate.

Socialiazation is based upon this scheme. It's not necessary connected with what really is there. Some of these "imaginary" might actually hold a piece of the truth, however it doesn't seem that anybody really cares about unfolding what is real while socializing. Some of it's functions is to present your beliefs (yourself), try to get along by converging with everyone's opinion (which is sometimes ok however because everyone holds his own truth on things), arguing about things for other reasons than what people think. Someone should not take things too seriously because socialization is not driven by the urge to find what is actually there but what people wish to hear, combining words and ideas to what feelings/effects they have on them, some quotes and beliefs spoken are too general and also differently perceived by each of us, at the end we just wish to feel comfortable among people and have fun. Ideas and beliefs are just that. Not to be taken seriously.

My mistake is that I take things seriously. Everything has to make sense. I have to analyze things harshly, being accurate on what things are supposed to mean (especially those that matter me), being too doubtful, organizing ideas perfectly in my mind. Everything has to make perfect sense. Whenever I meet a popular idea that felt so wrong I become furious. No matter how wrong it may feel to me, since it is popular it is generally accepted for the sake of socialization. Because it's not based on truth rather than the feeling someone agrees with the average person's beliefs so he/she is normal/ok. It's not just about socialization but also about all the ideas that become criticism against my way of life. I took them seriously while I shouldn't. Then why am I puzzled?

You know why? Because there is a big contradiction here. If people spoke to me honestly it could be different. Come and say: "You know, beliefs are imaginary. We don't really mean it. It's all ideas that we once defined in order to help us relate to what we call reality. We just want to show off. I just have to recite a popular belief that sounds true whether or not anybody can prove it or else everyone will think I am not the cool guy. It's a damn game, don't take it seriously!". But sometimes people speak to me in a way that I feel they take these things seriously.

I think people are living between two worlds as much as I do. There is a need to define things and base beliefs upon popular beliefs. But there comes also the need to just be cool and have fun. There are no rules really in sociability rather than the need to feel confident and show off, and being honest or doubtful (which is primary to discover some hidden facts that are shadowed by the accepted beliefs) is not an option. People can contradict in their discussion and not care. When I contradict I can't handle it. I mean, I do too (everyone does), it just kills my self esteem. I can't get away from it. I feel like I need to justify things perfectly or else I am lost. But things are subjective really, they are just ideas/beliefs. Some people though make me believe they are serious and contradict themselves but don't show this last fact openly. There is where I am lost and wonder.

For example, yes I agree that you need to not be so serious in life and take some things lightly. Most people tell me things like "Carpe Diem", etc. To take things lightly in other words. Some of the same people also approach me to criticize my life in a way that hurts. Sometimes they consider even my most innocent yet strange curiosities as a problem. And then I am taking their words seriously because they are presented in a serious way to me! Carpe Diem is lost? If some of my weird habits that make people look strange at me are not much of a harm, then why should I suddenly get sad and think something is wrong with me. Some people who like to play cool and recite "carpe diem" beliefs, are actually the same they make hard critics on me for no apparent reason. At first they agree to the general popular idea that "I should be/accept myself and just take things lightly" while at the same time they feel the strong urge to alert me how bad something is about my life and that "I MUST try in life (as they point that something must be definitely wrong with me). Trying to be the way THEY want?", yet another popular belief they also have to recite.

BE yourself yet TRY. Maybe it's ok for someone to tell me to try. Maybe he doesn't mean it too harshly. However when someone tells me to TRY (and insists telling me that I MUST), I receive the emotion of ALERT about myself, that he suddenly get serious, more serious than I sometimes am concerning my case. He shows me that there is a SERIOUS problem with me that he HAS to tell me because I may not notice it and it's REALLY SERIOUS to discuss it with me or else I will become 40 and stare back at a lost life. Why don't you just tell me: "Hey Optimus! You are a funny character. There is nothing bad with you. No problems. You have no girlfriend, you live with your parents, it must be hard for you but someday things will get better and you shouldn't push yourself too much with that. You are asocial, hooked to your hobbies, sometimes wishing to stay alone but this is just your type not mine or anyone else's. You look weird, it's nothing worse than just funny because it's different. Who fucking cares anyways?". Or something like that anyways and also point out some examples of what kind of lies are making me worry for the wrong reasons. I am anxious because of a bunch of lies that sometimes people take lightly but sometimes they inflict the pain on you by criticizing you based on these beliefs.

My mistake was that I took all these believes seriously. Because people weren't always funny and well being. Because people were playing between two boards, they weren't always serious or always carpe diem. It just depends on their case. So I mostly thought that people really mean it. And if I ask them now they will deny "that they do", yet in another occasion they'll reply exactly the opposite (whatever favors them best at any given time). And sometimes they will be cryptic and wonder around several points, like "I wasn't meaning exactly that, yet I meaned this but you should also this, etc.." because "being nice and just have a time" is a very popular idea while "Getting serious and doing things in life as they MUST be done" is yet another popular belief as opposed to the popular belief that some people are just lazy/not trying enough (Which is yet another myth I'd like to discuss in another blog post). These are all popular beliefs that are frequently exchanged for the sake of socialization while regularly contradicting each other, yet nobody wants to notice.

I'd say we are just schizophrenic. Hey! Don't take it harsh, I don't mean it. It's just an idea. Imaginary remember? (Now you see how much do I contradict :)

Don't get me wrong. I don't say that whatever is imaginary is wrong. I just like to emphasize that whatever we discuss, whatever we believe in, whatever we argue about, whatever disagreement has brought wars and pain, whatever opinion has brought stupid flames on the net, everything I write here, are just beliefs based on beliefs. Even if I try to get away from beliefs, my whole perception on things and the feelings that words bring to me are elements of the past which are based on how we decided to define things back then. It started from the day that the human mind decided to give a name to that object that is called "tree" so that he has a reference for the needs of communication, went on in order to define more abstract things like "justice", "good", "bad", "meaning", "life" and "normal" till we reached today, though everything is based on our own definitions. For the universe things aren't "good" or "bad" or "wrong". They just are.

So it's in our human nature to define or base on previous definitions. It's not right or wrong. All of them are OUR IDEAS about the things. Not the truth (if there is such a thing). Several ideas conflict. Everyone has his own ideas. Several of them converge in what we call common beliefs. Others are too extreme for the most. There are wars, disagreements, pain, sorrow, negative feelings, even those stupid internet conflicts because someone was too furious about your ideas. Crazy! All this pain, all this anxiety, all this stupidity just because of some imaginary thing that we defined. And yet some people tell me to take things lightly yet they argue strongly on some ideas. But it's in our nature. The human mind does it. And sometimes we NEED to have an opinion on things when we socialize with others. People argue about the most abstract things at times like whether the soul exists or what the meaning of life is. Look! I am doing it by writting this blog too. I can't avoid being opinionless. It's not so bad afterall..

With my words, I just want to make people aware of the imaginary of ideas. And yet present the contradictions in these ideas which nobody cared as much as me though because some people are serious about only a portion of the truth which just needs to sound nice and be popular to the people around. He doesn't care about the whole. I was to vain to care. Yet, even if these ideas are imaginary and even one of these ideas also told me to not take things seriously, some people contradict by trying to force their specific beliefs against my way of life. If I ask someone why does he insist with these thoughts, he tells me that he is just trying to help or he is not really harsh at me yet at the same time he changes his mood into forcing me into things because he suddenly is alerted that something is not wrong and I need to be told. Confusing..

People contradict. They are not straight and to the point. Whoever would try to seriously study things trying to make some sense of all this contracting chaos,would definitely fail. I did so. How would I be so foolish to think that I would find a true answer inside the imaginary we have created? The answer was that everything is just a game where people try to balance between taking things lightly in life while maintaining some serious beliefs. And because that doesn't make any sense, the way to play the game and succeed is to just be an actor. I doubt if being honest atleast to yourself if not at all would work very well here. You must not think that things contradict, everything is simple and fine and you are great too. Well,. it's nice to think that you are great and not have your second self making you doubt. I think most people are actors and that's why society works in a similar way because it's in their nature. I think that it's also in my nature to overanalyze and take things seriously, it's in my nature to want to organize thoughts and try to make sense out of everything, it was in my nature but that was conflicting with the way of life in our society. Nothing is right or wrong however. Things just are.

This post was based on the ideas I have been discussing with James. I think that since the beginning of forming the idea of everything I have written about the imaginary, thinking about it and our contradictions helped me a bit whenever someone tried to criticise me harshly about things. I have seen that negative emotions are feeling less harsh when I concentrate on the idea while someone tries to inflict sadness on me through his beliefs. Whatever he or everyone says are just ideas. They just never told me that. How would they be able to make me feel sad without a real problem if they were honest about their lies? It's not beneficial for them. Stupid ignorant sneaky bastards! :P

And when they change attitude by telling me that they didn't really mean to be harsh or they just want to help me, in order to surprise and confuse me, I will agree with an ironic grin and just go on with my own "wrong", "stupid", "lazy" and "ugly" way of life, since when nobody really means anything and things need to be taken lightly, the only way is to just don't give a damn fuck to those hypocrites and follow my own imaginary ideas on life :/

Ok,. this went too far! Oh, I have news about you. Things like "hypocrisy" or "egoism" don't really exist. I would like to show you how "hypocritical" or "egoistic" is someone when he calls anyone else these names. That for another post ;)

I don't mean anything eh? All imaginary! We get along well eh? Hahaha!!!



What I have really learned out of all these is something even more funny than the whole stupid illusion itself!

The best thing and true friend in my world is alcohol itself!!111oneone

Because it's the only thing that honestly and clearly told to my brain: "Hey Michael! Wake up!!! Things are imaginary. Everything is a lie ;)"


Wednesday, August 22, 2007


I wanted to write this since a long time ago. Something about an almost friend who left the world exactly 4 years ago. It is about someone I first met only a month before learning the news about his death, a person with whose problems and worries I felt familiar but it was too late to know him more and discuss our concerns since things have happened so fast and unexpectedly. We even exchanged our addresses during the last meeting he organized at his home in Athens and then I decided to exchange CPC demos with him through mailswapping and also learn some news from his side. I sent him a letter first but never got a reply. I only learned the reason later.

Catloc was one of the earliest sceners in the greek CPC scene. He has produced over 30 CPC demos since 1992. What I can remember is his excessive enthousiasm about the CPC and it's demos as well as his instant mood swings concerning the scene and his life. There were times he left the scene for a long period as he felt there was something wrong with it or maybe he couldn't find happines there. Whatever the reason was, everything I know about him comes out from the greek CPC diskmags of that era, years before I even joined the scene. I felt there was something familiar with his and my own worries, especially during the times I was reading his interview and stories about the greek CPC scene in the diskmags.

Catloc felt almost like a friend. What I mean is, I didn't managed to know him very well and befriend from the very first CPC meeting, but I had that familiar feeling even before meeting him when I first read some articles regarding him in the CPC diskmags of the 95-96 era. I specifically remember in one of his interview, while bitter, he begged for something else than computers from the scene (I found the text: What was you relationships with the scene? Computerized.). I didn't took that reply that time as an annoying tease about geeks who need to get a life or something (as my typical reaction would be). But as an ask for something different from his scene friends. He was deep into his own problems and all that he got at that time from the greek CPC scene was at best computers. I remember that CPC sceners went all kiddy and teasing each other at the time (well mostly people like Catloc, JFMC and Sotsoft were teased). At least that's what I remember from the stories I was reading in greek CPC diskmags of the time. Ok, maybe that was just fun, sceners were small and clueless, and I am not here to put any blame (I don't think blame should be put in general anyways). I just wanted to mention what I was seeing on Catloc that period and what he didn't received from the scene..

When I've learned about his death, I made a plan to make a CPC demo dedicated to him. It's practice on the scene sometimes. I wished to code it because of the familiarity I felt with his side of what he was seeking from the scene, with his mood swings, his absence from the scene at times, so much familiarity with my disappointments in the scene at that time, even though we were still different in several aspects. Above is a small part of what I never managed to finish (It was going to be called "A late goodbye" and that's because it was already a delayed project, already 4 years have passed since the time so I am not sure it would make a sense to release this today).

I didn't even learned exactly the causes of his death. It wasn't a suicide. It was something more sad. What I learned is that he died in the psychiatric hospital but I don't know under what cause. And maybe I won't like to find out and just leave it rest.

And yet, during the days I was planning to write this, I've learned about the unfortunate death of another scener. This time he was someone from Germany I met one or two times in a demoparty and communicated through email once. It was Crest, famous for his organizing of demoshows in demoparties and his website with articles about the scene. He was one of the most humble and honest people I have ever met. While I never knew him really, I feel some sympathy about him. He has committed suicide by jumping from a bridge crossing Rhine. You can read some of his thoughts here (written 6 years ago).


Friday, August 17, 2007

Da Fakk!!!

Now this is the greatest BBS thread ever produced by Pouet!

Garfield meets the scene.

Some of my favorites!

Oh, look! They made one about me there too :)
I wonder which old text of mine did the maker dig out where I was talking about Castanenda. Never remember to have written much about him somewhere on Pouet or in a blog. Crazy!

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Demoscene Rants

If there is a good way I can change the contents/feeling of this blog is by writting more rants about demoscene, coding or other things that I like in daily life. No, I am not trying to change the mood here under the urgency to avoid my sorrow articles. I really (still) am in a great mood these days for writting such stuff instead of analyzing my other matters. Maybe there is one day (and very soon) I will fell into the same sorrowful condition again and then you may notice more deep articles than fun stuff.

Though in general I thought it would be a nice idea to write some more of the easier articles (also it's easier for me to write these kind of articles in sorter time and express myself shortly) in the near future.

In fact, at random times thoughts pop out but those thoughts are now something like rants about my favorite demos and things I find interesting about the demoscene. And in several times I said "Wow! It would be nice to write these thoughts/rants of mine as an article in my blog!" (In fact, some of this could be better suited for a diskmag article maybe).

And so I will start this one in hope that I write more of these kind of articles in the future. Today's reason for ranting was Andromeda.

I know Andromeda from the Amiga and still I don't know them really well because I have primarily watched their Nexus 7 demo (Also youtube link) on the A1200 but hardly remember their earlier A500 demos. Maybe I should run WinUAE and refresh my memory on the Amiga scene history a bit. Sorry, no real hardware here yet :)

And yet they come back in the PC scene with Noumenon. Funny enough for me, I see all their releases at Pouet and press the release date button to sort them by year, to only discover that Nexus 7 was their previous release and only release in 1994. Wow! That's 13 years ago!!! It's funny how time goes on and then you realize how many years have past since your early days in the scene. But that's another matter for another article.

So, then what we have here? A rare demo that was far more pleasing than most other PC demos and only achieving this by it's simplicity and cleanness. What do I mean with that? I'll try to make myself clear.

One trend I hated back in the scene after it moved into the 3d accelerated world was the ammount of demos utilising as much as possible the vast fillrate power of the 3d hardware. There was a time that demos were all about several layers of translucent graphics, numerous random polygons somewhere in the corner, a mess of everything where there wasn't a single highlight effect/screen that will stay in your mind for a long, just massive filters randomly thrown onto your screen.

Another cliche is about design and design means whatever someone can make out. And there are rules, unwritten rules. If you can't understand design or have a completely different or twisted taste on demo design (can't see which of the two describes myself more :) then it either gets annoying reading people's comment about how the colors suck or there is no inconsistency or how they find the music too cheesy, or you just decide to follow your roots without caring (After all there is always an audience who likes your own crappy demo styles, even if it's just coder's style without design at all or some pure noise demo nobody can understand).

But let's come back to the filters thing. I think that maybe because too few things on the screen is considered to be an empty (undesigned) screen and many people try to avoid what is not considered a good design by today's trends in the demoscene, they follow the common solution of just packing up as much stuff as they can, add their filters (random objects, blending, feedback/radial blur, noise, glow, focal blur, oh also those lovely but too common anymore grown vine effects, notice how each year shows off a nice new trend that becomes a new cliche in later demos) to fill up the screen so that everyone is pleased. And then you won't have anyone saying that the screens are empty or it's an effect after effect demo. But look at a screenshot of a part I quite like from Noumenon!

A black background! A FUCKIN BLACK BACKGROUND!!!

But it's still so loveable in my eyes! Those radial rays that are nothing like the regular pseudo-radial effect on 3d cards, don't know how they make them look so good (also in other parts in the demo). The greatly animated morphing object that has such a clean shading I had ages to see on a demo since the late DOS days (Also see this. Arrrr,. I am gonna fire DosBox now!!! =). I am wondering why don't they do clean screens with pure shiny objects these days. Maybe it's another cliche that this is like 1996? And the flare! YES THE FLARE!!! I don't know what's so bad about it when people rant there in Pouet. Is it because it's considered an 1998 demo element? It's a fucking simple in the eyes of some screen, yet because the show in the foreground is so good looking, you don't care about filling the whole screens with gazillions of filters and transparencies to make it look professional or hide something that alone doesn't look that much good. And that was the point here in the demo!!! Their simple screens look really nifty alone, so there was no need to put additional stuff in it. The main effects were the highlight alone! Even a simple morphing shiny object with few rays that look spectacularly good alone!!!

Also the demo has an oldschool feeling of that era because of it's empty screens with effects and simplicity cramped into the modern hardware with much better visuals and some new effects. And still there is a great music that reminds me of Nexus 7 and some great graphics from Archmage even combined cleverly witht he effects and sync to the show that it was really a pleasant presentation for me. Who says there is no direction here at all? Some comments puzzle me. Also, be sure this is no praise because of the name Andromeda in it, it was really a clean demo with pure simplicity yet great effects in your face without too much overcramped screens, it was a demo I still remember for it's single screens, for it's classic demo sound, for how some graphic images are combined with effects, it's really like 1998 is back but done so much pretty well in modern PCs. I purely enjoyed it!

What's so bad to copy stuff from the past anyways? Why do people care if it's 1998 in some terms when it's so greatly done and is simple fun to watch? As if most of the other demos don't copy the trends that were first invented in the best demos every year? Nah,. I wish more demos of this kind were produced.

Andromeda lives and teaches me simplicity yet awesomeness! :)

p.s. I would also like to mention Archmage's graphics on the C64. Maybe I was a bit exaggerating to give votes of ten in each of his new graphics in cSDB. And not even commenting. Though this is what I specifically felt that day: It wasn't just about excellence here but also originality or doing it your way and not following the trends. I mean,. for some reasons I am bored of most C64 graphics out there showing realistic looking images with people faces that also use a variety/combination of colors that are so common anymore here. The first thing that touched me here was the color combinations that was quite different than the cliche on the C64, that red/orange/blueish combination I rarely remember to have seen in C64 pictures. And then of course the unique pixeling style too. I just felt like I was seeing something different and new on the C64! Maybe not as professional as your typical FLI interlace realistic faces picture, but diferrent. I really like what Archmage does on the C64 now!

p.s. Other demos I can currently remember that doesn't go the fill stuff and use tons of filters on the screen but rather choose the simplistic yet awesome looking way, are the invitations of Keops (1, 2, 3 and also 4) or the evoid droid demo at ASM07 (pure effect screens, with some amazing liquid and clear water scenes!!! Funny enough, this demo looked so good on the video streamer of ASM-TV specifically because most of it's scenes are clear and not filled with too much random fuzz ;)

Saturday, August 11, 2007


Also, Crazy Space applet version is out!!! (I participated in that by coding the special demo effects :)

I also had special mood yesterday for coding and continued rewritting my ZeEngine for the GP2X. The PC project where I test and debug things before porting the changes to the GP2X code, now runs at least twice fast than the older version and that's because I have totally rewritten the triangle setup and rasterizer code with a more elegant solution after a suggestion from Nuclear/Mindlapse. Wow!

Now I just have to rewrite the remaining code, create some new structs and organize things here and there and maybe make an easy to use API for all these coders in the GP2X community. At first I plan to fix and optimize as many stuff as I can and even add several new features too, then to release it with an easy to use API in hope it's used by other people. The thought of trying to use the second CPU of the GP2X to improve performance even more is left for far later. I plan a release inside October.

Friday, August 10, 2007


Today I have decided to change the mood here. And my mood a bit. I won't analyze anything, I will just feel happy so that I forget a sorrow that could be just the imaginary I am unconsciously into. Oops, I just tried to analyze. No shit sherlock, you can't just not analyze but I will not analyze this more nor care since it's just what it is and I'll just post pictures of cats!

I like cats! They are so beatiful. They are one of the few animals they can really make me smile, so cute, so beatiful, so funny, so playful. CATS!!! All your base are belong to us!

Even the stressed cats are so sweet and funny =)

I was in a friend's home and we drank some alcohol and had fun and talked about various things. Though it wasn't the alcohol the reason for this post. I just felt like I will post cats. Maybe I want for the few rare times to escape from sorrow and stop thinking it or taking it seriously because at the end what I think is just imaginary ideas based on an imaginary world. Maybe it's just that there are some "serious" people in my close environment (family) that have a very serious/strict aura when discussing about things and it affects me. But I just started analyzing things that might make me sad while I just have to stop doing this for oneday and just post cats!

In the post that tricks me to go grab a great Falcon emulator I get instead in a funny oneliner where I also read this by the great L.C.F. dude:

I think. We should not think to eat cats, neither fishes...Cats are the real friends of intelligence and fishes are something that can be eaten only when you create one specie. Go try to explain this to the world.
Pigs are the poison created for your crime, exactly. It's something like, injuring me.

I just felt like writting it. Maybe there is also a piece of sorrow here but I would start analyzing it now so just forget it for today and think catz!

I also have a picture of cat in my desktop with a cat with different colored eyes (one yellow and one blue). I am not in the main computer right now so I can't find it right now on the net but I'll upload it later somewhere in this blog.

Ahh,. cats! I can't get enough of them. They look even more cute than girls ;)

p.s. I decided to change the mood in this blog a bit. Not I will not write some analysis on other subjects still interesting to me, though I will avoid being so sorrowful. It's not that I am not in a sad condition these days. It's just that sometimes I overdramatize things. I don't want anyone to think I am just cheating all of you and I have nothing. There is something but under a different view it could become less serious in my mind. I still feel something sad inside me trying to get out while I post cats. I just won't to post something different and definitelly writting this post with images and stuff of things I like is easier that making thorough analysis. Even though I will return to that too but trying to not get the sorrow but just writting my worrying thoughts without much exagerrations.

Monday, August 06, 2007

Fed Up!

What's the meaning of writting this?
For whom am I writting it?
Do I think I am some kind of a special dude that everyone has to read about his life?
Doesn't reality tells me that I am just one in a bunch of billions? And this one only in this planet..
Why do we talk about lifes?
Isn't life just an idea? Life as in "having a life", "get a life", etc.
What do I seek? What do we seek? Why people don't like what do I seek? Do I know actually what I seek?
Should there be a purpose?
Why am I said with having a purpose that I can't comply with at the end?
Why am I stuck here?
Isn't purpose just another illusion?
Does the universe has a purpose for us? Nope. It's us who expect things from ourselves!
Why do I take things so seriously?
Why all these questions? And even if they were answered, did they really help me to feel better at this moment? Or change my life for the better?

Hell, why do I talk about life? Why do we use the word "life" in a sense of social success? Why do we find such importance here? In a delusion we have build full of expectations? And if I don't ask for a purpose then how can I live without a purpose?

Ain't I the same stuck and confused then?

Actually I had another question for myself as a challenge. Or it was just an angry statement. All those many years I was living into my fixations. I was indiferrent about real life (real life? Just another imaginary word. So, there is an unreal life too?) but had rather my own life with it's expectations inside the demoscene community and maybe few other personal things too. My fixation was at first, that since I was unsuccesful in so called real life, I would at least become a great programmer or something. I would be the geek who would be neat in a world other than the real world! I had this dream even years before meeting the demoscene, which was just my area of activity for my early expectation from myself. So, instead of trying to be succesful in real life (for which for some reasons I didn't cared much) I would at least be in the demoscene. But I am just the pathetic dude in both and even the mockery (which is another mystery to me since they say I am just an attention-whore and it sometimes seems like this).

My other fixation was talking too much to myself, analyzing everything like hell and seeking for some kind of thing called truth. I could already see that this is vain even though I had no other reason in life than seek. Sometimes I even thought I would become some great special person, that I could dive deeper into facts and find what people can't see (because it felt to me that I really had that ability, especially when noticing that most people respond with predictable quotes/ideas that are just popular memes). So I thought I could give answers to our great questions and solve our problems (Even before solving my own problems? Duh!). How vain I was?

Why me? Is this a reason why half of the people at Pouet hate me? And the rest of the half love me because I am just too pathetic or remind a part of themselves? Did I gave them the idea that I am just someone who's so boastful and everyone needs to listen to my ideas? Why me? Why MY ideas? What's so special in ME that is more special than every other blog-whore in the world? How could I be so stupid?

Hell,. I am even discussing about people who hate me or love me at Pouet! I am obsessed with that..

Sometimes I felt like my deep analysis in several matters could eventually reveal interesting knowledge to me that are not just there to compensate for my vanity, rather than actually helping me understand what's going on with me really. Maybe also giving me some actual knowledge that can be used for the betterment of my life or emotional state, or give me the proper dedication to move on with things, giving me a good reason to get rid of some of my obsession or old bad habits. Anything that would show to have an actual possitive effect (and not something like a placebo effect based on an imaginary idea) on anything in my life, rather than just theories that seem to make a sense or being usable but never actually getting there.

Oh yes, I forgot where I started from. The challenging question! The angry statement!!!

That I was fed up.

Fed up of all these years seeking that something I never found, taking things seriously, being obsessed about either being active on something creative as the demoscene or finding the truth. Especially the later led me into endeless brainwork but even after so many years my life seems to be the same. There are parts I haven't helped myself because I haven't answered, but even to those I have given answers there seems to be no progress. Of course I have a better understanding of things, I have finally some facts(truths?) that finally feel like strict ground to base upon. And I was very happy about that! But now? It's always the same here, my same old habbits that I can never seem to fight, the same attitude, same expectations, my illusions I can't get rid of, but it's not that I think it's wrong to live under a purpose (especially that is too unrealistic for myself), I just don't know what's right and what's wrong anymore and if anything has a meaning. Whether I need to find any truth, to analyze how to move or just move? Do you understanding?

But just doing things doesn't work to. Because I am too tired after all these years and very unmotivated, almost lost any reason to do some things I loved to to do. Did I?

So, what we have here is two life obsessions that nobody will disagree with. To become a great programmer and a great thinker. I had expectations. Too vain..

..and I will start hating anyone who says that my problem is that I should get a life and that finding a girlfriend will solve everything. I just hate it!

People are telling me that life is so simple and I just make it too confusing. I hate this too! Because you were never inside my mind to understand how is the view from up here..

Real life and a girlfriend are just expectations too, even though the second one would be something entirely new for me and might drive me into new sensations that will divert my focus from the "problems" I am currently talking about. The problems that are just a delusion in a sense. Bring me a new delusion to stay away from the old ones!

It's funny however how much people dislike acts of vain glory. And how everything revolve mostly around "real" life. They don't like the image of a person who had an idea about himself, as if that idea was harmful about them. Even if he is just another one just like them who once had a greater plan in his life. It's funny how people instantly reject the idea of that vain man while I don't see what's so harmful about himself. He might only be harmful towards himself because of his unrealistic expectations. But people react as they are afraid of something..

I know that I will wake up tomorrow and lead the same life. Not that all of my obsessions are fully negative, I'd like to keep the good stuff from them, but it seems like my emotional habbits will kick in yet another day. Maybe it's just a bad day where it seems like the rest, maybe it's my wrong estimation that nothing goes on, maybe progress is there but it's slow and slowly slowly I will manage to change something. To want results now is another wrong expectation. For a while it's nice to clean up some things about myself,.. to myself :P

Somehow even this mixed up with my current feelings, being something wonderful that I could never expect to watch in my life, like a demo someone imagines for hours during his daydreaming but never manage to actually make. Yet reminding me of me daydreaming of great things that I never manage to finish because I am just a lazy bum with other issues to fix :P

Maybe I am just jealous that someone else had this kind of success that I could never reach, and that someone being the one with the act of annoying mockery of what is my life and what kind of a joke I am in the demoscene? How wouldn't the success of someone else that I also seek live me mixed feelings? Why do I feel like am in a long lost battle? Why am I so stupid?!

Everything is inside my head. I am angry because things didn't turned up. I am angry because of expectations. I am angry with myself who thinks I am something special that deserve to get all these. And I wonder how other people manage. Am I just too lazy? Nope, this answer seems like injustice to me. It can't be! I would never anyways now how much easier or not is for people to get what I didn't. I will never know how easier or not it is for them..

It's sad but sometimes I really need to say that to myself! I only hate when other people are telling me the same shit because they never know how difficult it is for me.

But do I know? Have I ever dived into the minds of other people that are not as unsuccesful as me, to see if they also have gone through the same oppresion, if it was the same hard psychologicaly for them and they tried more than me?
Have I prooven that it is indeed harder for me?
But how people manage doing all these stuff?
And if I don't know, how come can they claim they know and criticise me so easilly?
Success? A delusion.
Vanity. Even "real" life success is vain.
Society is vain in that aspect. If I didn't had my own fixations, I would be seeking with despair to be succesful inside society. Wouldn't that be vain too?
Does it have to be something that most people don't like to be vain?

All of us are having expectation and seek for something in life. Everything is just a delusion of what we think of. We build up the expectations. Then why do I struggle either with a purpose or no purpose at all?

Just questions..

..and it never ends

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Free creativity.

Something I look forward too.

Finally, I got rid of another demoscene project that I started planning for it more than a month ago but ended up in a burden. And after so much time of being anxious and unmotivated to work with it and simply wasting my time thinking but not doing, it ended up into something I am not proud of, also not worth the struggle. Whatever it is, I can remember murphy's saying that projects take up twice the ammount of time and half of the originally planned produced, as my usual expectition on every programming project I work into. So that's almost ok (Well, it's worse than ok in this case but wtf)

Nevertheless it was nice remembering how to code the good old C64 after a year of inactivity (Well, my previous release on the C64 was 3 years from now as I surprisingly discover, but I must have tried to finish some code the previous summer just before going to the friggin army). I had to open the docs to remember once again where the screen or color ram address is and how can I change the modes, actually everything. Still, it's more familiar to me to code on the CPC after a long time of absence (where you just have to remember &C000 and maybe few CRTC registers if you are more into hardware tricks).

So, the release was a Invitation for the Primary Star 2007 demoparty but there is nothing to see there just a text fader (You'll need a real C64 or emulator) and since it was an invitation I had to finish it in time before the date of the event. If that was a planned demo for the competitions of PS2007 I would skip the deadline but now it had to be done. And it pains having to release such a simple thing while I was originally planning to show to the C64 scene that I have evolved since my first.

But then I tried to compensate myself saying that it's an invitation and the main reason of it is to display text that invites you to a demoparty. I also tried to compensate with it by thinking of other mediocre stuff even the leet coders released from time to time.

Most of all I tried to remember why I didn't have motivation for this one. The original motivation is maybe to combine the writer with a nice idea (My idea was a plasma twisterbar that I had since long in my mind to code but this time revealing the text of the next page as it moved over it. Some unrolled code upon hardware sprites over the char screen of text, moving in a sine matter, I had it in mind, I wrote some compiler code but it remained there :P). But this was the one motivation and the other thing saying to me "I must hurry with the invitation" that is incompatible with this. If I wanted to code an effect I wouldn't have hurried that piece of code for the invitation.

After this I start making thoughts about how things will go with my scene activity from now on. Well, I always have said that and everytime I came back whinning why after so struggle in a demo production it didn't end up as I'd like and I even felt oppressed by my wish to release a demo.

I had two projects to finish this period. First just going on with coding for my job on the second game of our great casual games company (Oh I know, all that shameless promotion and stuff! :) and second to finish the requested invitation. It's hard to see the motivation kicking here because I've found out that when there is a MUST then I get anxious over it and that anxiety acts against me, reducing my mood to actually work and finish these projects.

In fact, I just did an experiment during those days of inactivity. Ignoring those two projects I was forced to work with and chosing to enjoy creativity in another programming project that I do not ask from myself to finish in time but rather get exited working on some idea or project I wished since a long time. I simply was inspired to rewrite from scratch parts of my 3d engine for the GP2X handheld, improve things here and there and optimize stuff, something I wanted since a long to day but the priority project that HAD to be done didn't allow me. So for 3 days I started working on this and generally I have noticed I was more motivated with it and more sattisfied and enjoyed by the not forced creativity here. I even left the project at some early stage to get back to priority work without caring about finishing it soon because simply there was no deadline. Something similar happened when I opened my old 386 and tried optimizing some bits of my fire effect routine I mentioned in an older blog post or experimenting with other things on compilers and assemblers in my 486.

When it's experimentation, natural motivation, not a reason of releasing something to the scene, then it's more closer to free creativity

When it's all about deadlines, finishing something in time or generally putting too much value into something and forgetting the fun, then it's forced creativity

Motivation can be something like:

  • 1) "Hey! I'd like to try coding that and see what happens!!!"

  • 2) "I am dreaming of coding this, I can't wait the time to start!"

  • 3) "Damn! The deadline of the demo competition is near and I have to finish a demo for it."

  • 4) "I must code something good, I don't want to show to the scene that I am a lame coder."

  • 5) "If something bothers you, just finish with it instantly instead of whinning for a month or so. That would be a motivation, wouldn't it?"

Several people are telling me the 5th. When my creativity is blocked and while I really wish to be productive my psychology doesn't let me (or something that I got totally wrong here), they tell me "Just do it! If you didn't whine all the time about not being motivated to work you would have probably already get rid of it and stop worrying.". It isn't easy. Also, some people are telling this to me concerning my studies in the past. When I was worrying that I am bored to study but the only way to get rid of my boring studies was to study so that I get my diploma and finish with all the fuzz. So they told me to invent an imaginary (for me) motive that says if you finish your studies sooner you won't have to worry about them. But there are no real motives for me in studying than getting good notes and passing exams (which are no motives for me). And inventing an imaginary motive of just finishing the shit you don't like doesn't work on me.

As we go up from 4th to 1st, we reach more what I call "free creativity". Still though, even the 2nd choice while innocent and seeming pure, can lead eventually to expectations.

For example, I have been doing a 3d engine for fun. Later I thought that "Hey! It's quite good and much better in some aspects than some other engines there in the community that are advertising themselves so hard. So, maybe I could catch up and release a new better version of my engine soon". That's what I plan actually, to release a good version of the GP2X engine before late October. And then what was once upon pure fun of creativity or experimentation, takes a form as something with a strong casue, a solid good programming project I shouldn't be late with it because it's a pitty such a cool piece of software to not be released. And so I invent an imaginary deadline and expect from myself to have grown my little fun project into something big! Which is too big for me or the motivation is lost because now I am focused into the release/success of the software rather the fun I have coding it.

Now I am looking at it, it seems that the order from 1 to 4 and maybe 5 too is a physical process from something pure to something with expectations. And the way a programming project starts and ends sometimes. At first we get motivated by some experimentation in coding (I'd like to try this and see what effect it has on the screen). Then we see that there is something cool here actually and start dreaming of a bigger project based on this algorithm that works. Actually we dream of a cause for our work. The 1st is like playing with lego's, the 2nd is like thinking of stop playing and do something bigger that is supposed to have purpose. The 3rd is trying to present that thing somewhere where other software compete or are presented. And having expectations. The 4th is connecting your personality with a status of how good your work is and what people expect from you. The 5th is getting rid of it that causes so much fuzz and anxiety in your head.

And after the 5th you reevaluate your success/failure, what to do next, if you want to oppress yourself or relax or choose a different direction like not caring about your image in the scene and just releasing any crap you feel like.

So, I have decided to reevaluate (well I have done this a lot of times before without success but this time I know more and I will be more precautious) and maybe only (or mainly) work on programming or other projects that bear the 1st and maybe 2nd point. Also, maybe something else like updating my old website or pixeling/tracking in the scene. Now that would be!

And I have other thoughts of free creativity which will be like writting with a pencil randomly without caring at all, letting it flow. It might work in pixeling, tracking and maybe coding too. But the problem is the expectations, not the art or the scene. Time will tell..

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Shuffle game

Hmm,. funny game. Thanks for inviting me Pixie.

If someone says "is this ok" then you say:

Fragile Dreams / Anathema (I don't know what to say here. Maybe that it's not ok. Does not compute ;P)

What would best describe your personality?

Master of Puppets / Metalica (Me? Master? No.. kinda aggresive and then sorrow? Maybe???)

What do you look in a guy/girl?

Only this moment / Royksopp (Nice song for a girl I'd look. But does it say at all what do I seek for?)

How do you feel today?

I don't like Mondays / Tori Amos (Kinda close. My condition is a bit worse than melancholic. And it's two days off :P)

What is your life's purpose?

Disappoint / Assemblage23 (To be disappointed at the end. With my current mood, yes..)

What is your life motto?

Something to believe in / Bon Jovi (Hmm.. does not exactly compute. Only if I make it to. So I am seeking for something to believe that I can never find because I am to strict about the truth or something. And still seeking. But is this a motto?)

What do your friends think of you?

End of Days / VNV Nation (Not the song I'd like to see here)

What do you think of your parents?

Another Day / Dream Theater (It's hard to find a song for my parents. Maybe Nemesis / VNV Nation would describe it best how do I feel about my parents)

What is 2+2

Boadicea / Enya (This would sort of match better my funeral or something (see bellow). Anyways,. with such questions what do you expect? ;)

What do you think of your best friend?

Bachelorette / Bjork (It's hard to make something of it)

What do you think of the person you like?

Until the end of the time / Apoptygma Berzerk (If she is a girl, I guess I'll have to seek for her until the end of the time. This is the only way I could connect it. Oh no, also if I am a misanthrope and can't like anyone too =)

What is your life’s story

Hey God / Bon Jovi (That's everyone's life story I guess)

What do you want to be when you grow up?

Enjoy the unknown / And One (That would be fun!)

What do you think when you see the person you like?

What else is there / Royksopp (Is it the same question as above or not? So,. here is a funny estimation. I will be seeking for that person till the end of the time and when I find him/her, I'd say: Is it only this? What else is there??? Oh,. and the lyrics are too weird anyways :P)

What will they play at your funeral?

So klingt Liebe / And One (I laughed out loud because it's too irrelevant :)

What is your hobby/interest?

Just my imagination / The Cranberries (Wow! That would be a great hobby to have. Or does it define my hobbies? Not much I think.. :P)

What is your biggest fear?

Beautiful day without you / Royksopp (So? I can't think of something really..)

What is your biggest secret?

hyper-ballad / Bjork (No comment)

What do you think of your friends?

They are coming to take me away / Neuroticfish (I laughed here out loud too! Role twisting? They are all KRAZY!!! I am the only sane here =)

Just enqueue as many of your favorite songs you wish in winamp or another player that has the shuffle (random) button and let it play. For each question, move to the next random song and see how well it matches (it doesn't, I assure you ;). I decided to invite few people for this in case they are reading my blog and wish to enjoy this one. Nitro2k01, thom, scott, stone sober and Aasemoon.
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