Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Fragments of hope..

Part II

..that someone might understand.

Humans have the habit to make a primary split between two opinions/kinds of people. To see things in black and white, not their shades of grey. So do they tell me when I try to explain to them about what I wrote in my previous article. They claim that I overanalyze things and that I see things as black and white and nothing else (I am surprised by that accusation!). And so do I think about them. Sometimes I say that people don't understand me. Oneday I made up the important change in thought that maybe it's me who doesn't understand them. Thus, I once tried to ask them (and still do) why they tell me all these stuff about life, what's their primary motivation behind their "caring" to preach about, in case I misunderstood their reason. Though, I still can't get a proper answer but only general things, customs of thoughts, predictable quotes. It's like people are robots, motivated by habits/custom opinions and not true deep thought in the essence of reality. Maybe I'll be able to understand humans another day. I am preety confused right now..

And so do I use to see things upon myself too. Sometimes I am prone to habit/custom thoughts too, don't get me wrong. As about splits, a classic one of my view consisted of those people who enjoy their life in the way that most people enjoy it versus the few special ones that differ from the average. Usually I do expect to hear those predefined beliefs about life that I hate from the first kind of people. And they do proove me right most of the times. Sometimes I also get frustrated that even people of my kind like geeks or other deviants, support the words of the first and struggle to match to these views, instead of being theirselves. And in a cold way they preach about the "basic aspects of life that should be universal for all" which makes me sad.

A reverse of the effect would be to see a person from the first kind who enjoys life in the "normal" way however despises strict beliefs about life. Too rare! But it's something that seemed to happen for once and saved my hope for a while. It was most unexpected to hear those words from her. Maybe the fact that she was drunken helped into that, but it's like she was in struggle to explain me her worries, surprisingly for her kind. At that night, I slept so well, with a rising of hope that someone might think diferrent out there, especially the one least expected.

One story: I went out to meet a friend who was having fun in the greek way (buzukia and ouzo) with some people I haven't met before. Outside, it was cold and raining. I was expecting a boring night and at the beginning I didn't have the mood for it, just went out for the sake of it (Struggling to be fitting to the company as usual ;P. Some ouzo did the job preety well though ;).

Among the males there was a girl in our table. An attractive blonde wearing a black dress. She was from Palestine. Not that it does matter much, but it's always interesting to me to speak with people of cultures I haven't met before. It appeared that she was a "regular" girl in terms of living her life in the way most people do, a bit more crazy and exaggerated though, drunken and behaving in the "extreme" side of it. I really can't explain it and can't remember her attitude right now, it only amused me that she had more than one boyfriends at the same table, telling me silly things about her relationships with two people right there.

That girl put the glasses on me. I slept with hope at night..

During the last half hour when I got preety bored, she suddenly started a wild chat with me. Being preety drunken, she brought up her monologue that I purely enjoyed, like she had something in deep that she needed to tell me. I don't remember how it all started, I sortof recall that she laughed when I told her that I am deep into computer programming, but her laughter was in a positive way and she did said that I am just like my friend John that was sitting in the same table. Then she insisted with a nice aura that me and John should get laid with geeky girls who are more closer in our way of life/thought, no matter if I was trying to tell her at the time that it's not necessary for me anymore (Geeky/scene girls was an old passion I abandoned in the past, because of my fears/taboo of what people would say about my case! Was I mistaken by my fears concerning "irregular"?). But she did insisted with a laughter and a possitive attitude! What she later told me surprised me. She was having crazy fun with her life, going out with various boyfriends, enjoying the greek life in the extreme, no matter what everyone said. She complained about most greek women gossiping her about her unsettled life, calling her a "poytana" as she funnily pronounced in broken greek ;). And there were more insightful or funny things she told me, surprisingly unique considering her "kind" (to my prejudice), quite a unique set of personal beliefs that were incompatible to some regular beliefs. Her monologue was so passionate, like she had something to tell me, something of her own, a manifest against the blaming on her "ubernormal" life which is more extreme than "normal" but people don't accept because it still goes over the edge through the unexpected side.

Her heart said that that's the way she likes to live no matter what others say. But that person, evolving the "normal" into a new extreme that even regular people started to despise, while at the same time accepting the other side of our geeky extreme and telling me that she just lives her life and accepts our own ways of living too, resulted in such a burst of hope that made my day and gave me new food for thought.

Such a unique and enlightening experience for me, I wish I can have another chat with that girl in the future. Maybe I should let her read this blog now she is sober and tell me what she thinks. (Hello! :)

So there are people out there. From there where you don't expect them. And that's even more hopeful..

p.s. I somehow wished to share you this story for the 2nd part but normally I had more interesting things to share, though I'll stop here for today. So, there will surely be a 3rd, 4th and maybe 5th part, I'll rename the titles into something else too. Gotta close soon now..

Such a nice read :)

Why BASIC is Still Relevant
Why Johny can't code

Also, The Qbasic Nerd (Lol!)
Also (not so relevant but funny), Atari geeks (Ueberlol!1!)

Sunday, December 17, 2006

Beliefs that bother me.

Part I

There is something that's bugging me since my youth. It's a bunch of popular beliefs which I keep hearing everywhere and everytime I talk to people. I call them "ethics of our times". Those are the common beliefs of most people in society. "Truths" that are so well received, so socially approved, so massively accepted that everybody agrees quite easilly with them and nods his head in obvious agreement. Everyone of you is already perfectly aware of these "universal" beliefs. The most common of them revolve around life.

For 10(+/-) years, I was bothered by the idea that I am not "normal". Especially the thought that I don't have a life and that this ain't "good" became rather tiresome. I've struggled trying to give proper excuses to myself about the being I am, as long as trying to defend against the criticism from the others upon my life. Later, it was me who've let these ideas to spawn a demon inside my head, constantly asking me whether I qualify for a life today. Thus, I didn't need people around me anymore to tell me that I have no "life" and that this ain't "natural" and so on. Alone, I'd still have to bother with those beliefs that had evolved later into obsessive thoughts. As I know more about myself now, I truly believe that my obsessive-compulsive nature morphed these thoughts into a chronic obsession.

Cliche quotes I've heard in life:

  • You are a nerd and that's not very good.

  • Why aren't you just like the other people?

  • You should have several interests.

  • You must be balanced.

  • It's not good to be focused.

  • It's not natural to be in such an age and not have any girlfriend.

  • Each person must have one favorite music group and one kind of favorite music to be normal.

  • Wasting your time with computers, RPGs and other time-critical hobbies is not good if it doesn't give any profit. I don't understand why do you spend your time in something as useless!

  • When you grow up, you will be sad that you've wasted your life.

  • Nerds are defined by ten laws. 1) Nerds don't swear, 2) Nerds are good pupils, 3).... You qualify for a nerd according to these rules and that's not good.

  • Girls are the meaning of life. And that's what you are missing! Find that and you will remember my words..

  • Pan Metron Ariston.

I know that you might either disgrace these words or identify yourself in some. I am not reactive about their validity but what makes me wonder is the predictable and soulless way they are expressed by most of the people I've encountered in life. It's like strictly DEFINING life through some laws. And living by that definition because it gives them the feeling that they belong somewhere, that they all agree in a common sense and practice upon that in life. The aura of people's voice that I received while listening to their words, where kinda emotionless, strictly defined, like they are living as they claim and oppress me to live the same way, for the simple reason that everyone lives the same way and this is the way everyone should be. There is no deep and true emotion in living, it's like these people act in life in ways that are considered normal and not because they purely enjoy it. It sounds like the mere feeling of belonginess/completeness of being purely normal, is the motivation in their life. And these people doesn't seem to care about "helping" me as they claim (As if I asked for their advice ;P), but rather concentrate on preaching about what's life and how they have "succeeded" in it while I didn't. It's like they want to fullfill their ego. And later they tell me how miserable I will be if I don't follow their path. But if they constantly scream that I am "miserable" then I'll start believing it!

Roughly, so odd was the feeling I received over all this criticism in the way it was expressed to me by most people around me. What they don't understand is that I haven't choosen to be like this! I wasn't deviating from the average person because I suddenly made a thought that maybe it's better to be like this. I have another theory about this which I'd try to explain later. What I received is an arrogant attitude, which is like I am a clueless child that doesn't know what's good or not for me, it's like I "decided" to be lonely, unsocial, diferrent, weird, deviant because I suddenly made the "false" thought or because I am lazy, spoiled, wrong and they have to tell me. The way they try to "help" me is like blaming me that I have taken the "wrong" path. How much do I friggin hate it when some "cool" guy approaches me to break my nerves to say in a witty way: "You know guy? You shouldn't be like that, it's not good I tell you. You will be unhappy in your life, what you are doing here is wrong and hey look at those chicks, great eh? What? You don't like them? Hey?!" :PPP

And what they don't understand no matter how many times I told them, is that the same common beliefs/truths and cliche phrases associated with them, spoke by most of the people around me each fuckin day, became such a big oppresive set of spikes in my head that even forced me to be more defensive and enclosed to myself, avoiding people and struggling to be normal not because I enjoyed the common way of life, but because I was fighting with the idea inside my head. I sometimes tried to be social without enjoying but just for the mere feeling that I am "normal" for one day. But it was still a struggle, especially when I "had" to do it. They don't understand the damage they've done to me (and they call that "I am trying to help!"). That's also why I despise "predictable" beliefs which are so easilly spreaded around because they sound so "simple" and "right" and everyone clicks on them (Called also memes. Blame socialization and human nature which needs to have a common point of reference/belongingness), especially when I feel that some of them are so blatantly wrong, though ignorant people tend to believe and preserve them because everyone says so. So, I became quite questionable/sceptical on rumours/beliefs that are easilly accepted by most of the people. I feel that people are such ignorants to listen to me. Even now I know more about myself and the whole issue, trying to give my best to make them understand doesn't work. I receive the same cliche phrases and common beliefs back. They don't even care about why I am actually so diferrent. They care only about watching me becoming as "normal" as them but for what reason? (They also confuse the reasons with the results, I'll explain myself later on that)

My whole personality evolved based on my struggle. I became quite defensive towards what people call "real life" and the spreading of common "truths" that people accept as they are because everyone says so. Most of my personal beliefs are constructed upon my worries on this issue. One of them is that everybody is diferrent/unique and if something makes totally sense for me in life, it doesn't mean that it should work the same way for the rest. Most people don't understand that there are several "facts", several "truths", several "worlds" out there, as many as all of us. Each of them thinks that if a way of life works for him, it's a universal truth that all of us should follow. The quote below speaks ironically about this..

I try my best to be just like I am but everybody wants you to be just like them. (Quote from LCP Memories C64 demo)

While I am more determined about the matter, I still struggle (doubt actually) with some of these beliefs. After so many years! Even though I am closer to knowing and believing in my path now. My wish is to have a free mind and live life as I enjoy not being oppresed by the "ethics of life" of our times (Quest for freedom). Another wish is to get more deeply into this and several other aspects of human nature/sociology and try to understand why all these, and try to let them understand deviant people just like me. To know and use my knowledge for the good of all. (Quest for truth). And then I have a dream. Serenity. Exactly these three cores matter a lot for me and are main parts of my personality. Remember also my previous subject ("A wish"), my Pure-OCD condition, to combine with what I wrote here. They are all connected in my life..

It's too late and I have to stop here. Unfortunatelly I haven't written all of which I wanted to and not as comprehensively or briefly as I wished (I was in a rush), thus I'll continue another time in a next post (Part 2). I'd like to talk there more about the people that I call "deviants", what's the meaning of "diferrent" compared to "social", to make an interesting analysis upon that and what we perceive with these things and then speak of some cases of people which gave me hope that someone might think diferrent (even not a special person but the common Joe, so surprising!). Plus some interesting medical cases that shows off my beliefs.

I had a dream..
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