Tuesday, September 26, 2006

So little time..

..too much I want to write :(


Maybe I'll just write some of my news in brief here. Netcafe's in Kavala are quite cheap (1E/hour). My first transfer was in an army camp near the city. I serve my duty here as a military mailman. It's more relaxed now, even though there are still some responsibilities I don't always manage well and that make me quite anxious. Whatever, I should be sattisfied with the new position while I am not.

Not with myself. The problem is me. I am not functioning well. I never was.

I've started filling the missing puzzle pieces about what's really going on with me. And that gives me hope. The truth should not be something that I should be ashamed for. All these negative thoughts of a life I couldn't manage because of self-fault were not driving me anywere. Instead they kept the bad things going on, making me more reactive to change, thus alienating me from the rest of the world. I've build a whole inner universe of beliefs because of all these voices in my head, instead of looking for the missing pieces of my puzzle which gave me now some proper explanations and moved the hard feelings away.

I try to remember fragments of my past, searching for alternative answers about who I am via the new data I've gathered. The idea that something more dreadful than the usual psychological explanations might have affected me, seems more true each day that passes. I feel it inside me. It seems that I am more fragile than other people, having lost an important part of my life because of my fear. It's not because of some bad treatment during my childhood, not something that can be as easilly treated by myself. I feel it everday, especially now I've been more self-focused/observant of my reactions/feelings in realtime while thinking about my Pure-O "self-diagnosis".

People are in disbelief about this. Most of them tell me it's just my idea. Sometimes I am in doubt, sometimes in shame, thinking what if I was a douche in all these and I am just trying to get attention (what they blame me for). I hate myself for putting me in that position, instead of believing what is clear to myself. The new data gives me a diferrent perspective on myself. It finally makes sense!

..in 30 minutes I should be back in the camp or get lost :/


Home now:

Life is so strange. Psychedelic. Something unique happened today at home. Some ideas I've read from a book and the fact that I decided to discuss with my mother about my "diagnosis" on OCD today, were the elements which brought me to this point. Though, I am afraid I may be feeling diferrent right this moment. Strange.

..I'd like to write more about this and the basic idea in the book but maybe 'll do so later. Atm, I tell you that I managed to communicate while being outside the box.

This OCD story feels kinda strange to you? The psychiatrist in the army gave me some medicine for it (Zolax). I am curious about the results upon me. Sometimes I doubt about the obvious, but I have to try. It's maybe my last chance to know something atm. I want to see how my mind will be without the anxious thoughts. I want to know. I am in doubt about my OCD story (but OCD makes me doubt) and I want to know. I must!

p.s. Yet another blog without comments and empty posts. Dark Wisdom is the other side of me which might have survived after the change. At first I thought I'd write about my OCD experiences, trying to explain the view from an alternative side but there is more to it. Just wait..

p.p.s. Maybe tomorrow I'll forget why I opened that blog. Till DW takes care..


Anonymous said...

No-one is perfect, no-one is "malfunctioning" (as you wrote). The fact is: everybody is human. :) Take care of you during you army time, just wait, and then I know you'll feel better. Overflow (hmmm... am I a human? ;) )

Pixie said...

Optimus I am glad that you are OK and coping.I think that many answers would come if you would try psychotherapy you have an emotional awareness and you would really improve.Meds are not a solution they can relax you but can not help you cope as the coping mechanisms can be developed by your inner understading and change.This is what you need, to develop coping mechanisms.
Meds can not give you answers.Its not shameful to visit a person that can guide you through this a lot of people go to a psychologist for self-awareness and of course I went for my psychology training.
I am so proud of you not been scared of searching your soul!Missed your writings!

Optimus said...

Meds are not the cure so do they say (although that depends on each personal experience). Although, for once I decided to try (well, actually I didn't discussed the case much with the doctor (Maybe army doctors don't care much, they only want to be sure I don't take a G3A3 and shot people ;P), he just gave me medication. I was very curious to know a diagnosis about OCD. So, since we couldn't discuss it, at least I was happy enough to have the opportunity to experience how the world feels after the effect of medicine. Because I have doubt of my OCD which makes me sad (and doubt is a part of my OCD way of thinking), I really want to see whether the effect is true for a while, while my mind gets free in a way it wasn't before. The way I'll feel might be some sort of permanent answer for me, in case it's true I have OCD. I am curious, I am anxious and I don't care whether it's right or not to take the medicine. And I am still doubting and afraid if nothing happens (Currently it's too early for visible results). I know I am getting obsessed about this OCD but isn't this all about it? :)

Regardless if most people and my parents too, disagree. At least I have talked to my mother about, I've informed the family what I think I always had and didn't told to anyone, she showed some understanding (I never felt so close to my family before, usually we are not in good terms), and promised me to let me go to a doctor and talk about it after the army. Though because it's too far away from know and I am anxious and sad about everything, the idea of having a first experience with the meds motivates me. I'll probably talk with the psychiatrist further in few days but I want to know the effects now..

I just can't wait.

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