Tuesday, September 26, 2006

So little time..

..too much I want to write :(


Maybe I'll just write some of my news in brief here. Netcafe's in Kavala are quite cheap (1E/hour). My first transfer was in an army camp near the city. I serve my duty here as a military mailman. It's more relaxed now, even though there are still some responsibilities I don't always manage well and that make me quite anxious. Whatever, I should be sattisfied with the new position while I am not.

Not with myself. The problem is me. I am not functioning well. I never was.

I've started filling the missing puzzle pieces about what's really going on with me. And that gives me hope. The truth should not be something that I should be ashamed for. All these negative thoughts of a life I couldn't manage because of self-fault were not driving me anywere. Instead they kept the bad things going on, making me more reactive to change, thus alienating me from the rest of the world. I've build a whole inner universe of beliefs because of all these voices in my head, instead of looking for the missing pieces of my puzzle which gave me now some proper explanations and moved the hard feelings away.

I try to remember fragments of my past, searching for alternative answers about who I am via the new data I've gathered. The idea that something more dreadful than the usual psychological explanations might have affected me, seems more true each day that passes. I feel it inside me. It seems that I am more fragile than other people, having lost an important part of my life because of my fear. It's not because of some bad treatment during my childhood, not something that can be as easilly treated by myself. I feel it everday, especially now I've been more self-focused/observant of my reactions/feelings in realtime while thinking about my Pure-O "self-diagnosis".

People are in disbelief about this. Most of them tell me it's just my idea. Sometimes I am in doubt, sometimes in shame, thinking what if I was a douche in all these and I am just trying to get attention (what they blame me for). I hate myself for putting me in that position, instead of believing what is clear to myself. The new data gives me a diferrent perspective on myself. It finally makes sense!

..in 30 minutes I should be back in the camp or get lost :/


Home now:

Life is so strange. Psychedelic. Something unique happened today at home. Some ideas I've read from a book and the fact that I decided to discuss with my mother about my "diagnosis" on OCD today, were the elements which brought me to this point. Though, I am afraid I may be feeling diferrent right this moment. Strange.

..I'd like to write more about this and the basic idea in the book but maybe 'll do so later. Atm, I tell you that I managed to communicate while being outside the box.

This OCD story feels kinda strange to you? The psychiatrist in the army gave me some medicine for it (Zolax). I am curious about the results upon me. Sometimes I doubt about the obvious, but I have to try. It's maybe my last chance to know something atm. I want to see how my mind will be without the anxious thoughts. I want to know. I am in doubt about my OCD story (but OCD makes me doubt) and I want to know. I must!

p.s. Yet another blog without comments and empty posts. Dark Wisdom is the other side of me which might have survived after the change. At first I thought I'd write about my OCD experiences, trying to explain the view from an alternative side but there is more to it. Just wait..

p.p.s. Maybe tomorrow I'll forget why I opened that blog. Till DW takes care..
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