My first two weeks in the army. First week. First three days. Insecurity. Loneliness. Sadness. Guilt. Oppresion. It's all in my head. If I could take it easier as most other people I wouldn't go through all this. Or?
It's natural. When the army starts, logic ends. Not to be taken seriously..
But that was me. A diferrent experience, checking my limits, revealing facts about myself. I've visited the psychologist three times. The first time was the interview, the second was when he asked me to come again for another appointment. I really was in need to visit for the third time. Maybe there will be a fourth time but I don't feel like visiting now. Though, I'd like to grab the chance to reveal more about myself to a psychologist because I almost never did this before in my life.
There are two places where I don't feel insecure in the army. The toilet and the psychologist. Because I can have my privacy and time for myself there :P
Most people could see there is something wrong with me during the first days. Well,. nothing really wrong, it's natural for most people to look afraid/anxious/serious (psaromenoi) the first days of their army duty, though I believe I was in a greater degree than most people there and revived much later.
There are so many things I have to learn or work at each day that I do not wish. And there are officers who will shout at you no matter if you try hard and have finished all your work well (in your opinion). It's the army. I shouldn't take it too seriously.
Sometimes, because I am too anxious, I make many mistakes or just sit there in the corner doing nothing. Sometimes I am pissed off with all these that I don't have any mood to finish what I don't care about. I felt like my emotions and my personality were totally oppressed. The blame hurts me.
It's not that I am afraid of punishment. I knew that those two weeks before swearing, they couldn't touch me. And even after tomorrow when I'll be back, I won't care about receiving a punishment. It's just that I am somehow affected by their blaming. I feel totally incompetent. But did I asked about this?
During the second week I got a bit cooler (ksepsarwsa), engaged more with the people around me, let some of my feelings released and wasn't looking too serious all the time.
Though I started to get bored.
And counting the days is senseless..
I am in Thessaloniki now. I've got the authorization to be free for 3 days at my homeplace as all soldiers do. Real life seemed like a paradise after two weeks of nothingness. I was wondering how could I whine so much about life in the past. The question arises when you really miss something for a long time. I had temporary lost my freedom in the army and everything in real life suddenly looked marvelous!
Though one day before going back, feelings got mixed. Because I've seen the "paradise" now and soon I'll miss it for another 2,3 or 4 weeks again.
Time has passed too fast here. I felt like I didn't exploit my 3 free days too much. I've checked the internet (too much spam to clean up ;P), went out with few friends, drank some beers, eat a lot of dirty food, slept in my bed and enjoyed the luxurious toilet at home :)
I'll take some good things with me in the army. My MP3 player with my favorite music, my Gamepark32 handheld, few books or magazines, a workbook to write algorithms in paper,. I think that's enough atm. More ways to escape, though I will probably miss being creative.
The army still sucks though. Maybe it's better to not focus in that thought. A good escape is to have fun with the other soldiers of my group. There are some funny people here and when they get bored I almost cry out of laughing with their stupid jokes. A good way to escape. My only way the weeks that past. I was even missing that part at first because I was too shy and anxious..
I don't know what else to write. Each time I'll receive the authorization to go home and be free for few days I may post my experiences and thoughts here. The rest of the time I probably won't have access to an internet connection in the army. I'll be totally offline but nevertheless I will be glad to read your comments each time I get back home :)