So long it was. Time to write something..
Several good things happened in my life those two months of absence and I also have several thoughts in my mind to share. Random rants with not much connection to each other.
Each time I walk alone in the city, another interesting idea pops up in my mind. Another matter to talk about. Another subject for a new blog entry. I am preety enthousiastic about it at the time of inspiration, but later when I return back home at my PC I become unmotivated or occupied by another intriguing idea to start writting about the original subject. Only 15% of my recent thoughts for a new blog article have been released. From them, 80% were written without being totally motivated to do so at that time being. Instead that, I was entirely forcing myself to do so. Only a very small percentage of my thoughts were written while I was having the mood. And this one not at it's full extend.
It's ironic enough to have something in my mind one night, deciding to write about it the next day but later being occupied by some other thoughts that I also want to write about. Maybe I could just stick in the first subject and give some priority but the problem is that my mood changes a lot and it's hard to push yourself to write on an inspiring idea while having lost the original inspiration.
So, this post will be a mess of random rants having to do with my news and some fragments of my thoughts that I was deciding to write about each night but abandoned the idea at the very end. Well, even the previous paragraphs are parts of these thoughts :)
For example, one of my thoughts was one of my worries too (as always), whether I should push myself towards being creative or just let it flow. Hey, but we have talked about that one before! Anyways, maybe I'll find the answer alone. Hopefully, after a new release of a long work in the creative community I am engaged into, it feels like I am moving through a new era where I reflect on my past work and even learning from the mistakes I did during the last production. What interests me more in that aspect after so many years in the demoscene, is not much the technical part of it (I am already experienced in that) but mostly two other factors. One is the artistic and the other has to do with project planning.
As a coder in the scene, my work was always an ugly uninspired showcase of my programming experience in graphic algorithms, but recently I started to notice how well chosen colours and good design makes a demo more appealing to me, regardless if there is not much sophisticated code for my taste. In my latest demo, Led Blur, I wrote some functions for making it easier for me to design some color palletes for the effects and more appealing shadings for the 3d objects. I tried to apply some thought on how colors should match instead of ignoring this aspect. Still, it's far from perfect, I understand some mistakes I did, and maybe I should try to observe more carefully the design elements in the most popular demos or even take some ideas from art and fashion in the real world too. That's the aesthetical part that is interesting to me. Maybe because I haven't tried to concentrate on it in the past and I really want to see how can I progress in this aspect. Still, Led Blur is my most satisfying work ever and it even got the 1st place in the top of the month on a well known site of the community. I can be quite happy with that :)
I've just returned from a netcafe to continue this post at home. I don't seem to have much mood or feel connected with what I wrote in the previous lines, how ironic. Well, in the road my mood changed or I made some thoughts about another precious matter. For another blog post..
..so, to go on with this lame post (I already lost it and it's 4 o'clock after midnight. How did the time passed? LOL!) the other aspect is project planning. Maybe how to ensure that I am productive in a short time, how to not miss deadlines, without also making a hurried release. What happens with my motivation and the big question remains whether I should push myself to be creative rather than work on it only when I have any slight burst of motivation. Well, the lame thing is that I want to oppress me finish two demos till the end of July but this will never happen. Afteralls I have just recently finished Led Blur and what happens usually after a long awaited release of my works is that I take some rest. Why wouldn't I like to take a breath for some time before I start something new? Lol, maybe because, the first demo is for a competition which I want to support and the second is requested and I promised to do something. I doubt if I can now so I won't care :P
The way things came, I will exclude some of my thoughts I wanted to write about and just finish with some other important news in my life. Maybe it's not a good idea to mix some of the more important posts. I just don't get it or don't like what I write but let's say that it's mostly a report after two months of silence..
And to finish in a hurry and get to the point, I'll (re)mention the three good things that happened inside two months of absence and then go to sleep.
The first one is the release of Led Blur demo and the nice feeling of recognition I gathered. I have already talked about that one because it just came in my train of thoughts first.
The second one is about real life. After eight years of studying (lameness :), I finally (almost) got my diploma. This tuesday actually, I'll take an oath and receive my diploma. Actually, the good news were a surprise. Because of the student protests, I didn't even knew whether there will be any exams. The mathematics department organized exams in the middle of July and I suddenly had to stop my activities and start reading. It was unexpected! Yet, not only I passed my last two remaining lessons but I even wrote preety good at both lessons (something rare for me, who is crying for reaching the base). I don't know why this happened, it wasn't that I studied more than the previous exams. Maybe the easy subjects in one lesson, maybe luck or good concentration (It took 8 years to understand that I shall be calm on the exams and have a strategy on which subjects to write first and how to prepare. Yep, university teaches you how to pass exams :P). Anyways, now maybe even my parents can be happy :/
The third one is about my inner self. It's the most important of all. And personal. Just right after the post about depression (ironically), I accidentally made a very important discovery for me, about me. It came out after reading a comment in another random blog which made me check wikipedia about a couple of two words. And that out of curiosity, without connecting them with my case yet. Read the next paragraph for it..
Several times in the past, there was a moment where I thought I made an important discovery about myself, that I answered to the question why am I acting like this and why am I feeling that my life sucks. Each time (usually at night) I was extatic about my analysis, till the enthousiasm faded away in the morning. I was never really sure about what is happening with myself. New theories, more doubt. I am a person who can't persuade myself to believe in anything, I use to analyze too much, being too strict on the validity of my observations. This way I would never easilly attribute a mental disorder on myself without being extremely sure about it. This is just to clear up that what follows now is not my imagination or a lust for selfpitiness and attention. I am more sure than ever. I wouldn't ever post such a personal thing here if I wasn't confident about it's validity. In fact, I was shocked when I identified what I read with the suffering that I kept secret since my childhood. To discover that this thing was actually a disorder. How come didn't I seeked help?
The two magic words are Obsessive-Compulsive and the specific case that is identical to my problem is called Pure Obsessional OCD. I really want to stop writting anything more about it right now and come back later with my next blog post dedicated to it. Though, if anyone decides to write something about this matter in a comment, I'll gladly answer if necessary.
And now I'll just say goodnight instead of writting more stuff about it and then erasing as I did three times now. That's how much I want to talk about it! I really have to finish my damn next post soon because I don't let myself to write more about it now. The current post is messed up with other news and random thoughts of mine (stupid post). This precious matter should have it's own dedicated blog post.
And yet, there are more irrelevant thoughts I didn't messed with this post. Blah blah..